Other parent called my kid a slur--how should I respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

OP, a fellow Hispanic here. I would not approach the parent. I'd just stop any involvement with his family and kids.

Life is too short --spend it with people you care about, not with random haters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeesh, that's definitely troubling.

Is the parent an educated professional who knowingly used the term and is just an a hole? Or is it possible the parent uses slang indiscriminately and was just making a big ignorant faux pas in the way that another poster hinted at with "Gee, isn't it cool that Larla has a friend who is a spic!"

If the former, ABORT friendship.

If the later, I'd just wait until I see the friendly mom and say "Hey, I think maybe my daughter heard the word "spic" at your house, which we hear sometimes, but it isn't really nice and we never want her called that, so we'd prefer if people don't say it around her. Cool?"

^^ PP here. Also, highly likely the parent said "hispanic" and your kid heard it wrong. Especially if "hispanic" isn't a super familiar word, the slur is simpler and easier to remember?

Highly likely? Man, some people will contort themselves into a pretzel to avoid seeing racism.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if he DID say Hispanic....wtf?

+10000

Even if he said "I didn't know you were Hispanic." that's not any better than "I didn't know you were a spic." What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would end all playdates. The mother will know why, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She knows her husband is a racist asshat, and she'll assume you also found out in some way.

I wouldn't confront them unless called out. There's no point trying to educate someone who is so hateful. I can imagine him half drunk, slurring, wiping his sweaty brow with the rolled up sleeves of his white button down shirt with ring around the collar. I can think of no circumstance that I'd ever want my kiddo in his presence again. So, not worth confronting!

I would be direct with anyone who asked why we steer clear of that family. I'd shut it all down. When I ran into the parents at pick-up or on the playground, I wouldn't attempt to "educate" them. We teach our children about consequences, then pause and wonder when a parent does something atrocious?!!! It's a vile term. Daddy Asshat doesn't need to be educated about this. He knows, and would hear directly from me why I would be keeping my child from him. Mama Asshat would also be burdened with the consequence. Zero Tolerance.

"We don't keep company with racists." Done.

Shame on him. Look at what he's cost his own child. And you're right, OP, the actual word doesn't matter. You made it clear it was a widely recognizable slur. That's sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if he DID say Hispanic....wtf?

+10000

Even if he said "I didn't know you were Hispanic." that's not any better than "I didn't know you were a spic." What is wrong with you people?

Really? Sure, I think it would be weird for someone to say, "I didn't know you were Hispanic." because, well, who cares. But it is much worse to say, "I didn't know you were a spic." Hispanic is a term to properly identify a race. Spic is a horrible offensive slur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would end all playdates. The mother will know why, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She knows her husband is a racist asshat, and she'll assume you also found out in some way.

I wouldn't confront them unless called out. There's no point trying to educate someone who is so hateful. I can imagine him half drunk, slurring, wiping his sweaty brow with the rolled up sleeves of his white button down shirt with ring around the collar. I can think of no circumstance that I'd ever want my kiddo in his presence again. So, not worth confronting!

I would be direct with anyone who asked why we steer clear of that family. I'd shut it all down. When I ran into the parents at pick-up or on the playground, I wouldn't attempt to "educate" them. We teach our children about consequences, then pause and wonder when a parent does something atrocious?!!! It's a vile term. Daddy Asshat doesn't need to be educated about this. He knows, and would hear directly from me why I would be keeping my child from him. Mama Asshat would also be burdened with the consequence. Zero Tolerance.

"We don't keep company with racists." Done.

Shame on him. Look at what he's cost his own child. And you're right, OP, the actual word doesn't matter. You made it clear it was a widely recognizable slur. That's sufficient.

This is why the country is so divided. Nobody is willing to just discuss stuff with each other. So now this entire family will be accused of racism, the daughter loses a friend (which doesn't hurt the dad, btw, it hurts the daughter), and all that happened was he said Hispanic and the girl misheard as 'spic.

[Anonymous]

You have to say something just in case there's more to the story, especially if you're like PP and plan to tell other parents about it. You're positive it was the dad? Not an uncle, neighbor, grandpa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would not allow you child to go over there anymore. period. And if they ask why, I would tell them. That's a terrible thing to say, and if the mother just stood by and allowed her DH to get away with it, they're both guilty, gross, and racists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would end all playdates. The mother will know why, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She knows her husband is a racist asshat, and she'll assume you also found out in some way.

I wouldn't confront them unless called out. There's no point trying to educate someone who is so hateful. I can imagine him half drunk, slurring, wiping his sweaty brow with the rolled up sleeves of his white button down shirt with ring around the collar. I can think of no circumstance that I'd ever want my kiddo in his presence again. So, not worth confronting!

I would be direct with anyone who asked why we steer clear of that family. I'd shut it all down. When I ran into the parents at pick-up or on the playground, I wouldn't attempt to "educate" them. We teach our children about consequences, then pause and wonder when a parent does something atrocious?!!! It's a vile term. Daddy Asshat doesn't need to be educated about this. He knows, and would hear directly from me why I would be keeping my child from him. Mama Asshat would also be burdened with the consequence. Zero Tolerance.

"We don't keep company with racists." Done.

Shame on him. Look at what he's cost his own child. And you're right, OP, the actual word doesn't matter. You made it clear it was a widely recognizable slur. That's sufficient.

This is why the country is so divided. Nobody is willing to just discuss stuff with each other. So now this entire family will be accused of racism, the daughter loses a friend (which doesn't hurt the dad, btw, it hurts the daughter), and all that happened was he said Hispanic and the girl misheard as 'spic.

And you know that because you are a nigel with superpowers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would end all playdates. The mother will know why, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She knows her husband is a racist asshat, and she'll assume you also found out in some way.

I wouldn't confront them unless called out. There's no point trying to educate someone who is so hateful. I can imagine him half drunk, slurring, wiping his sweaty brow with the rolled up sleeves of his white button down shirt with ring around the collar. I can think of no circumstance that I'd ever want my kiddo in his presence again. So, not worth confronting!

I would be direct with anyone who asked why we steer clear of that family. I'd shut it all down. When I ran into the parents at pick-up or on the playground, I wouldn't attempt to "educate" them. We teach our children about consequences, then pause and wonder when a parent does something atrocious?!!! It's a vile term. Daddy Asshat doesn't need to be educated about this. He knows, and would hear directly from me why I would be keeping my child from him. Mama Asshat would also be burdened with the consequence. Zero Tolerance.

"We don't keep company with racists." Done.

Shame on him. Look at what he's cost his own child. And you're right, OP, the actual word doesn't matter. You made it clear it was a widely recognizable slur. That's sufficient.

This is why the country is so divided. Nobody is willing to just discuss stuff with each other. So now this entire family will be accused of racism, the daughter loses a friend (which doesn't hurt the dad, btw, it hurts the daughter), and all that happened was he said Hispanic and the girl misheard as 'spic.

And you know that because you are a nigel with superpowers

OMG I can't believe you just called me that. You are vile, horrible and don't deserve to be in this world. This may be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. My kids are NEVER coming to your house. NEVER. You filthy, horrible, racist pig. Calling me the n word. I can't believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to say something just in case there's more to the story, especially if you're like PP and plan to tell other parents about it. You're positive it was the dad? Not an uncle, neighbor, grandpa?

Why are so many people on this board so desperate to "prove" that a total stranger to them wasn't racist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not give the actual word because it doesn't matter, and I was hoping you would just trust me that it was offensive and not "oh, he was just being folksy and cute." According to my child, she met the dad, who said "I didn't know you were a spic." I'm not asking for a debate about whether or not people who use that word are racists, I'm asking for advice about whether or not to approach a parent used a known offensive term to my child.

I would end all playdates. The mother will know why, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She knows her husband is a racist asshat, and she'll assume you also found out in some way.

I wouldn't confront them unless called out. There's no point trying to educate someone who is so hateful. I can imagine him half drunk, slurring, wiping his sweaty brow with the rolled up sleeves of his white button down shirt with ring around the collar. I can think of no circumstance that I'd ever want my kiddo in his presence again. So, not worth confronting!

I would be direct with anyone who asked why we steer clear of that family. I'd shut it all down. When I ran into the parents at pick-up or on the playground, I wouldn't attempt to "educate" them. We teach our children about consequences, then pause and wonder when a parent does something atrocious?!!! It's a vile term. Daddy Asshat doesn't need to be educated about this. He knows, and would hear directly from me why I would be keeping my child from him. Mama Asshat would also be burdened with the consequence. Zero Tolerance.

"We don't keep company with racists." Done.

Shame on him. Look at what he's cost his own child. And you're right, OP, the actual word doesn't matter. You made it clear it was a widely recognizable slur. That's sufficient.

This is why the country is so divided. Nobody is willing to just discuss stuff with each other. So now this entire family will be accused of racism, the daughter loses a friend (which doesn't hurt the dad, btw, it hurts the daughter), and all that happened was he said Hispanic and the girl misheard as 'spic.

And you know that because you are a nigel with superpowers

OMG I can't believe you just called me that. You are vile, horrible and don't deserve to be in this world. This may be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. My kids are NEVER coming to your house. NEVER. You filthy, horrible, racist pig. Calling me the n word. I can't believe it.

Oink oink

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to say something just in case there's more to the story, especially if you're like PP and plan to tell other parents about it. You're positive it was the dad? Not an uncle, neighbor, grandpa?

Why are so many people on this board so desperate to "prove" that a total stranger to them wasn't racist?

It just seems likely that he said Hispanic and not 'spic, and I like to caution against wielding the pitchforks when it may not have happened the way the 5 year said. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt until I know. If OP has more interaction with the guy she may get her answer. I think we are way to quick to judge and dismiss people. Maybe he's racist. Maybe he's not. I would probably let it go myself, and would try to get to know the parents a little better before letting my kid over there for a play date. I would not cut off the kids friendship, though. You can meet at the park or have the friend over to your own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to say something just in case there's more to the story, especially if you're like PP and plan to tell other parents about it. You're positive it was the dad? Not an uncle, neighbor, grandpa?

Why are so many people on this board so desperate to "prove" that a total stranger to them wasn't racist?

Probably because it would be horrific to say something to a child like "Oh my goodness, I had no idea you were this panda-ish" to a child wearing a top with a panda on it (far reach example here, but you get where I'm coming from) then have that child be confused because it's an odd thing to say, report it to mom as "spic," then have the whole school talking about how you are a racist. I could see something like that happening to me, as could lot of other posters. I bet that's why. Same thing with the real estate agent who closed the house early; I'm not an agent but I would be way more likely to abruptly and socially awkwardly close up something early and be rude than I would be racist, and these things get misinterpreted. YES, people are also racist. But assuming that third-handedly before approaching directly to clarify or understand isn't always best...or accurate.

Sometimes you need to be direct and confront, particularly when going solely off of the word of 5 year old. Even if that 5 year old is trustworthy, her age and understanding of life and vocabulary makes her an unreliable reporter. I do agree that this is worth a follow-up and speculation though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to say something just in case there's more to the story, especially if you're like PP and plan to tell other parents about it. You're positive it was the dad? Not an uncle, neighbor, grandpa?

Why are so many people on this board so desperate to "prove" that a total stranger to them wasn't racist?

Probably because it would be horrific to say something to a child like "Oh my goodness, I had no idea you were this panda-ish" to a child wearing a top with a panda on it (far reach example here, but you get where I'm coming from) then have that child be confused because it's an odd thing to say, report it to mom as "spic," then have the whole school talking about how you are a racist. I could see something like that happening to me, as could lot of other posters. I bet that's why. Same thing with the real estate agent who closed the house early; I'm not an agent but I would be way more likely to abruptly and socially awkwardly close up something early and be rude than I would be racist, and these things get misinterpreted. YES, people are also racist. But assuming that third-handedly before approaching directly to clarify or understand isn't always best...or accurate.

Sometimes you need to be direct and confront, particularly when going solely off of the word of 5 year old. Even if that 5 year old is trustworthy, her age and understanding of life and vocabulary makes her an unreliable reporter. I do agree that this is worth a follow-up and speculation though.

Exactly. It's like burning the house down because you saw a spider.