DH being asked to spend five months in Asia for work. Asking too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I mean, he can ASK for a bonus, but I guarantee there's someone willing to do it without the bonus, which means your DH ends up looking petty and passing up what I'm confident is an opportunity for advancement. The "bonus" comes from him proving he's willing to take one for the team, and being rewarded down the line.

There's always some ninny here who is willing to turn down money out of fear. Yes, he deserves some sort of "hazard pay" for having to abandon his family for six months and 99 pct of companies would understand this and provide this. Taking your "advice" to leave this money on the table out of fear would be incredibly stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Foolish. That is not how it works. They will take all they can get and then replace him with a cheaper h1b worker. No company rewards someone for taking it for the team

Exactly, see my previous post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I mean, he can ASK for a bonus, but I guarantee there's someone willing to do it without the bonus, which means your DH ends up looking petty and passing up what I'm confident is an opportunity for advancement. The "bonus" comes from him proving he's willing to take one for the team, and being rewarded down the line.

There's always some ninny here who is willing to turn down money out of fear. Yes, he deserves some sort of "hazard pay" for having to abandon his family for six months and 99 pct of companies would understand this and provide this. Taking your "advice" to leave this money on the table out of fear would be incredibly stupid.

I don't think it hurts to ask, but I would be very careful about how I frame it. OP's tone is not good.

If OP's husband is interested in the opportunity, he should sit down with his boss and ask about a potential bonus/compensation. But in some posts, it sounds like it has already been communicated to DH that this could mean a promotion. So I'm not clear on whether OP's husband has already had this discussion (and that's when they offered the paid travel back for visits).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only 5 months. Great opportunity. Get family help or babysitters. Travel there with kids instead of coming home at least once.

IME, travel like that leads to more travel like that.

+1 That's actually a good point. But a lot depends on the company/industry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to determine if I am being emotional and dramatic or if in fact this is really asking a lot from his company? He is in an engineering technical role and makes about $150K per year. I feel like this ask should include a substantial bonus or something but so far nothing has been offered other than a return home for one paid week every 4-6 weeks.

What do you think? I want to be a supportive spouse but this is going to be extremely difficult on our family. I work full time as well and also travel about 1-2 days every other week. We have a 2 and 5 year old.

Thanks in advance for objective perspectives.

Paid travel home every month or so is pretty generous.

it would be nice, but as soon as he acclimated to the time zone in China, he'd head home for a week? Then back? That would be really hard.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. They want to take advantage of him.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking he must be thinking about volunteering to do it. I can't imagine a company, that doesn't require this kind of travel upfront, not providing some type of monetary bonus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where in Asia?

It's a split between a few months in Korea, China, and Taiwan.

That's better than Bangkok. He can't get in too much trouble in those places.

Actually, he can. We work overseas and I've seen SO MANY American marriages break up. We're in Eastern Europe, but have colleagues who have done the Asia circuit, and they have tales of an even greater number of broken marriages from China than here. OP, you need to understand that your DH will be a desirable target for beautiful young women who are very, very poor, and in countries in which an American/Western husband is considered an amazing trophy-prize to be won at any costs. Women will throw themselves at him everywhere. I'm sure he's a good guy, but I wouldn't want my DH in one of those places alone. Imagine how easy it is to "slip up" if you are a guy alone for months in a place like that, and young, gorgeous women who would be way out of his league at home thrown themselves at him, over and over, on a daily basis.

Can you go with him?

You do know a man will cheat if he want to regardless of location, right? I've
never understood the mindset of women like you. You really believe just being next to him everyday prevents him from cheating?

Different PP. I kind of think it's somewhere in between. I think some men will always find a way to cheat. Some men won't cheat no matter how easy it would be or how likely they could get away it with it. But there is a third group of men. Those men won't go out of their way to cheat, but if an easy opportunity to do so presents itself (especially if they are not getting needs fulfilled regularly due to either distance, like in this case, or other issues), then they'll go along.

Same with women. In fact, people in general. When it comes to various moral issues, there are some people who have a strong internal sense of not doing wrong, even if they could get away with it. There are some people who will go out of their way to do wrong, no matter what the risks, because they want the pleasure or whatever. And there is that group of people in the middle who usually will do the right thing, but if they have an opportunity to do wrong and know they can get away with it, they'll cave.

Only OP knows where her husband falls. And even then, maybe she doesn't know because he's never had the opportunity before.

But either way, I don't think location matters. The issue isn't where he goes. It's that he'll be away in another country for an extended period of time, so if he is at all tempted, it will be easy for him to cheat and get away with it.

And yes, there are people who normally wouldn't cheat but may do so if presented with such an easy opportunity.

Ordinarily I would agree. But I lived for years in one of those outposts where the very young beautiful women are looking for American husbands. And I saw a LOT of marriages break up there. A shocking number of them.

It doesn't sound like this is one of OP's concerns, so this particular thread is probably not really very helpful, that said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am into week 4 of my DH being gone on a business trip; I work, we have a 6yo and a 3yo, and a similar HHI. It started rather suddenly, he could not decline (without losing his job), and we don't know how long it will last (at least 2 more months, but possibly longer). He's only in northern MD, and gets to come home a day every week or two, but that doesn't help much with the day to day scheduling.

It is very hard--much more so than I think I was prepared for. Our whole life, and routine, is based around two parents, and to have that rug pulled out from under you is eye opening. I have a full time job, with a 3 day/week commute of 1.5hrs each way (WFH the other two days), and have had to cut my hours almost in half to manage dropoffs, pickups, etc. (Very lucky I have an understanding employer.) I also have family in the area, who have been invaluable, but it's just not the same. It's relentless, and little things I never thought of before really make life harder. If I don't get my grocery shopping done on my lunch break, I can't just do it after bedtime like I used to, because I can't leave the kids alone in the house. I'm "on" ALL weekend--no more trading off mornings and afternoons, birthday parties are suddenly harder to navigate (decline? ask if I can bring other child? hire a sitter?), to do ANYTHING without the kids I have to line up a sitter, either leaning more on my family or paying money for one.

It's also been really hard on the kids--DS (6/K) is acting out in school and constantly asking when Daddy will be home, and DD (3) is extra clingy and throwing tantrums. They miss him SO MUCH, even though he's been able to come home twice already! He made it home for DS's birthday dinner, but missed the party the next day. He and I both will miss DD's birthday (I had a previously scheduled and unmissable biz trip). And of course DH hates being away from them just as much.

I think the *only* reason we've been able to tolerate it is because DH is earning a TON of overtime. I really don't know how we'd manage otherwise--recognize that you may either need to shorten your own hours (less pay or night make up work meaning even less time for yourself) or hire more help, and if your DH isn't bringing in more money while he's away, the trip will effectively be a pay cut.

I'm not saying don't do it, just trying to point out some of the issues we are facing. No extra money would probably be a dealbreaker for me, unless I worked 10min from home and already did all the dropoffs/pickups (and thus wouldn't need as much day-to-day help). Although, knowing when it will end is a huge plus in your favor--not even knowing how much longer we have to do this is the worst part.

Good luck.

100% agree. OP: this is THE most important post of the thread. Please know that it will be a tremendous toll on you and your children at home. Yes, it will be hard for your husband, but depending on the personality of your kids, it will them being in crisis the entire time and you are person who has to deal with it, and it is absolutely. exhausting. Resentment will grow even in a strong marriage. (And a proactive plea to ignore the "kids are resilient" bs advice, especially if you have an emotional kid who doesn't deal well with transitions. Of course they can cope, but at what cost?) If he absolutely has to do it to keep his job, then you'll have to make it work. Otherwise, pass. If it harms his career that much where he is (which I doubt) then he looks for a new job in the next couple of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to determine if I am being emotional and dramatic or if in fact this is really asking a lot from his company? He is in an engineering technical role and makes about $150K per year. I feel like this ask should include a substantial bonus or something but so far nothing has been offered other than a return home for one paid week every 4-6 weeks.

What do you think? I want to be a supportive spouse but this is going to be extremely difficult on our family. I work full time as well and also travel about 1-2 days every other week. We have a 2 and 5 year old.

Thanks in advance for objective perspectives.

There are so many responses here that keep telling you "you can do it!!!" Fuck that. Don't do it. You didn't sign up to be a single mom while you're married, and your husband has 0 responsibility for your kids for 5 freakin' months! Are you kidding me?

I know there are military spouses that have it worse - much worse. But OP did not marry into the service. And even military deployments get bonuses.

You are not being dramatic. You are reacting to having your partner taken away from you for 1/2 a year, and society judging you for not being OK with it. You have a career, and so does he. Let him take the career hit this time. Your gender has you taking the hit the rest of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about 7 months in to DH being out of state for 9 months. I'm a sahm, so slightly different scenario, but my kids are a similar age, 3 and 5. Not gonna lie, it's harder than I anticipated. Do you a resource for childcare for when you travel, or can you request no travel for the time that he's gone?

I am in a national sales role so stopping travel entirely for me isn't really possible but I could limit it more. I have a lot of control directly over this in terms of scheduling.

I'm not sure that sort of travel with very young children seems desirable.

I do agree with you about that point. It would not appeal to me to drag a 2yo on international flights and all over asia. That is not "fun travel."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I mean, he can ASK for a bonus, but I guarantee there's someone willing to do it without the bonus, which means your DH ends up looking petty and passing up what I'm confident is an opportunity for advancement. The "bonus" comes from him proving he's willing to take one for the team, and being rewarded down the line.

There's always some ninny here who is willing to turn down money out of fear. Yes, he deserves some sort of "hazard pay" for having to abandon his family for six months and 99 pct of companies would understand this and provide this. Taking your "advice" to leave this money on the table out of fear would be incredibly stupid.

Really? Hazard pay is when you are somewhere with danger. Leaving your wife behind inside the beltway does not qualify.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't mind. I still have access to his salary. I'd hire babysitter or house cleaner to help out more than usual.

Sure I'd miss him, but this is also the time I can show the kids how invaluable I am in their life, how I can be independent and resourceful. Time to show the kids what being adult is all about. Just because daddy is not here, doesn't mean I can't handle things around the house.

OP, you are going to be fine. You have families nearby. Hire cleaners and babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work for a Japanese company, and only a very select few ever get asked to work in Japan for any amount of time. In our company, it is considered a big honor.

Now, in a Chinese company, you will end up with a big advantage over other employees because of the networking there. Same thing in Taiwan.

If the company is Korean, forget it. Those guys work you to death, especially if you are a non-Korean, and you'll never get ahead.

We lived in Japan for a year. I didn't want to go but he basically threatened that he would divorce me, so I pretended to go for it. After a year I came home and filed divorce. He's still over there, had to travel a lot and today single and unhappy. I remarried, had another child and am happy. Can't put a price on that. Glad I left just before the Hanshin earthquake. Our house over looked Awji island - epicenter. I laugh when i hear all this nonsense because once you have children you've made that choice to stay as a family unit. We never agreed to move to a foreign country before we married.

You're idea of getting ahead is skewed imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to determine if I am being emotional and dramatic or if in fact this is really asking a lot from his company? He is in an engineering technical role and makes about $150K per year. I feel like this ask should include a substantial bonus or something but so far nothing has been offered other than a return home for one paid week every 4-6 weeks.

What do you think? I want to be a supportive spouse but this is going to be extremely difficult on our family. I work full time as well and also travel about 1-2 days every other week. We have a 2 and 5 year old.

Thanks in advance for objective perspectives.

There are so many responses here that keep telling you "you can do it!!!" Fuck that. Don't do it. You didn't sign up to be a single mom while you're married, and your husband has 0 responsibility for your kids for 5 freakin' months! Are you kidding me?

I know there are military spouses that have it worse - much worse. But OP did not marry into the service. And even military deployments get bonuses.

You are not being dramatic. You are reacting to having your partner taken away from you for 1/2 a year, and society judging you for not being OK with it. You have a career, and so does he. Let him take the career hit this time. Your gender has you taking the hit the rest of the time.

I agree that OP did not marry into the military---but I feel that in saying "military deployments get bonuses" you should clarify that the "bonus" (family separation allowance) is only $250/month. Not exactly a windfall.