DH being asked to spend five months in Asia for work. Asking too much?

[Anonymous]

If I were him, I'd ask for a bonus. It can not hurt to ask, right?

[Anonymous]

I manage multiple programs and sales staff in these countries for a US defense contractor. If someone asked me for a bonus to do this, I would just go to the next person. No way that would ever be considered. The max we could work out would be the trips home, and business class tickets. Be careful trying to negotiate this. Also, this likely is considered a good assignment with a lot of potential, so it will have a big impact on his career if he turns it down.

Five months is nothing, but say this as a former military officer married to same.

--mother of two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were him, I'd ask for a bonus. It can not hurt to ask, right?

Yes it can. It can make you look like a prima donna, and cause them to reconsider immediately. It's unwise unless you think there is a VERY good chance they can and will do this.

It's very industry dependent. More info would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not a bonus, but would ask for a substantial stipend specifically to cover additional child care costs.

What company in what industry would pay that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to determine if I am being emotional and dramatic or if in fact this is really asking a lot from his company? He is in an engineering technical role and makes about $150K per year. I feel like this ask should include a substantial bonus or something but so far nothing has been offered other than a return home for one paid week every 4-6 weeks.

What do you think? I want to be a supportive spouse but this is going to be extremely difficult on our family. I work full time as well and also travel about 1-2 days every other week. We have a 2 and 5 year old.

Thanks in advance for objective perspectives.

Engineering is NOT a good profession to support a family with.
Everyone - become a lawyer!

[Anonymous]

People jump at the chance at these assignments so there is no reason for the company to give him anything extra. Unless he has a unique skill, then he can negotiate. Otherwise why don't they just pick someone who wants to go and expand career opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Where in Asia?

It's a split between a few months in Korea, China, and Taiwan.

That's better than Bangkok. He can't get in too much trouble in those places.

Actually, he can. We work overseas and I've seen SO MANY American marriages break up. We're in Eastern Europe, but have colleagues who have done the Asia circuit, and they have tales of an even greater number of broken marriages from China than here. OP, you need to understand that your DH will be a desirable target for beautiful young women who are very, very poor, and in countries in which an American/Western husband is considered an amazing trophy-prize to be won at any costs. Women will throw themselves at him everywhere. I'm sure he's a good guy, but I wouldn't want my DH in one of those places alone. Imagine how easy it is to "slip up" if you are a guy alone for months in a place like that, and young, gorgeous women who would be way out of his league at home thrown themselves at him, over and over, on a daily basis.

Can you go with him?

You do know a man will cheat if he want to regardless of location, right? I've
never understood the mindset of women like you. You really believe just being next to him everyday prevents him from cheating?

You obviously know nothing about cheating. And you should be thankful for that. It doesn't happen like the movies. Almost everyone is capable of being a cheater. Don't put yourself in temptation's way. Above advice is solid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where in Asia?

It's a split between a few months in Korea, China, and Taiwan.

That's better than Bangkok. He can't get in too much trouble in those places.

Actually, he can. We work overseas and I've seen SO MANY American marriages break up. We're in Eastern Europe, but have colleagues who have done the Asia circuit, and they have tales of an even greater number of broken marriages from China than here. OP, you need to understand that your DH will be a desirable target for beautiful young women who are very, very poor, and in countries in which an American/Western husband is considered an amazing trophy-prize to be won at any costs. Women will throw themselves at him everywhere. I'm sure he's a good guy, but I wouldn't want my DH in one of those places alone. Imagine how easy it is to "slip up" if you are a guy alone for months in a place like that, and young, gorgeous women who would be way out of his league at home thrown themselves at him, over and over, on a daily basis.

Can you go with him?

You do know a man will cheat if he want to regardless of location, right? I've
never understood the mindset of women like you. You really believe just being next to him everyday prevents him from cheating?

Um, no. My point is that many, many men who do not intend to cheat end up getting carried away and doing something they hadn't intended or anticipated when put in a situation in which there is opportunity they had never anticipated or imagined.

I'm gonna echo this. My aunt used to work in Korea and she had some crazy tales about married American men over there. If we both couldn't go then no I wouldn't want him going period. It's almost like he's dumping you with two kids while he's off traveling the world. I would not agree for my DH to do this at all.

[Anonymous]

How would people be responding if a mom or a two and five year olds were proposing to go to Asia for five months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? Do you work? Do you have family/help?

What a fitting demonstration this nitwit is of the caliber of advice available on DCUM.

As for the actual issue: it stinks but you can't turn things like this down unless you are mommy track. A man who turns it down will be permanently labeled. I suggest you support DH completely, don't complain to him while he's away (recognizing it's hard on his end too) and hope that this translates into more down the road. Be a ride or die b*tch, as the kids say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? Do you work? Do you have family/help?

What a fitting demonstration this nitwit is of the caliber of advice available on DCUM.

As for the actual issue: it stinks but you can't turn things like this down unless you are mommy track. A man who turns it down will be permanently labeled. I suggest you support DH completely, don't complain to him while he's away (recognizing it's hard on his end too) and hope that this translates into more down the road. Be a ride or die b*tch, as the kids say.

This. He either needs to go or needs to find a new job. I have a feeling turning down an opportunity like this will be looked down upon and he won't get a second chance.

[Anonymous]

I would do it. Bonus or not. It's only 5 months and the potential added value is there. Yes, there may be costs of additional childcare and some degree of inconvenience, but that should be looked at as a family investment rather than a cost. Will this bolster DH's resume at his current company? Might this lead to a permanent expat position? Will it make him more attractive to other companies? Will it have a material impact on future earnings or career path? You need to answer questions like that to really evaluate this possibility.

That said, you also need to figure out whether or not he is being groomed to be a patsy. While this may appear to be a great opportunity, will his company then see him as willing to do this repeatedly. When these needs come up will he be the one they go to . . . Asia might be ok, but what happens when they need 5 months in Almaty? What if he says "no" then? Will that be a career killer?

Also, look at the tax situation. I don't know whether the country he is in will tax his earnings while there (there are greedy countries out there), but there needs to be a written indemnity to make sure that you are "made whole" and subject only to taxation in the US.

Finally, only you can assess the risk he will cheat. You married him and you know his character and moral fiber. Don't listen to the "all men" crap. Some will and some will not. In my experience, most do not.

Signed -

Multiple Time Expat (Not Govt or Mil)

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you could use an au pair. If you can swing it financially this would make the travel very doable. If he's getting some kind of per diem but could live a bit more cheaply abroad, then it could perhaps cover an au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only 5 months. Great opportunity. Get family help or babysitters. Travel there with kids instead of coming home at least once.

IME, travel like that leads to more travel like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you could use an au pair. If you can swing it financially this would make the travel very doable. If he's getting some kind of per diem but could live a bit more cheaply abroad, then it could perhaps cover an au pair.

That would work only if they kept the current daycare too. Au pairs are limited to 45 hours max per week.