DH being asked to spend five months in Asia for work. Asking too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about 7 months in to DH being out of state for 9 months. I'm a sahm, so slightly different scenario, but my kids are a similar age, 3 and 5. Not gonna lie, it's harder than I anticipated. Do you a resource for childcare for when you travel, or can you request no travel for the time that he's gone?

I am in a national sales role so stopping travel entirely for me isn't really possible but I could limit it more. I have a lot of control directly over this in terms of scheduling.

I'm not sure that sort of travel with very young children seems desirable.

How can you travel if he is gone? What is your backup care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? Do you work? Do you have family/help?

What a fitting demonstration this nitwit is of the caliber of advice available on DCUM.

As for the actual issue: it stinks but you can't turn things like this down unless you are mommy track. A man who turns it down will be permanently labeled. I suggest you support DH completely, don't complain to him while he's away (recognizing it's hard on his end too) and hope that this translates into more down the road. Be a ride or die b*tch, as the kids say.

My husband turned down this kind of thing repeatedly when we had young children. There's no way in hell he would ever have done that. No way.
Then again he has a phd so more control over his work life. Years later he still has a great job.

This stinks. Five months away? Your young kids will change so much in that time.and to the lady who said go and military people do this all the time - he's not military. They should have some single young people that agree to go for extended periods of time. People with young kids should go for a week maybe that's it. Maybe a week out of a month max. What a shit of a company!!!

I hope he looks for a new job soon. One with no business in Asia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By comparison my DH will be deployed next year for 6 months with no choice although he's a reservist and no travel home and no bonus to speak of and I will have a just barely one year old. I think it'll be hard with two kids but I'd let him do it. Make sure to schedule all the travel home in advance and you take off for some of those weeks too and make it special family time.

But this guy is not in the military....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where in Asia?

It's a split between a few months in Korea, China, and Taiwan.

That's better than Bangkok. He can't get in too much trouble in those places.

Actually, he can. We work overseas and I've seen SO MANY American marriages break up. We're in Eastern Europe, but have colleagues who have done the Asia circuit, and they have tales of an even greater number of broken marriages from China than here. OP, you need to understand that your DH will be a desirable target for beautiful young women who are very, very poor, and in countries in which an American/Western husband is considered an amazing trophy-prize to be won at any costs. Women will throw themselves at him everywhere. I'm sure he's a good guy, but I wouldn't want my DH in one of those places alone. Imagine how easy it is to "slip up" if you are a guy alone for months in a place like that, and young, gorgeous women who would be way out of his league at home thrown themselves at him, over and over, on a daily basis.

Can you go with him?

This.

She has her own job!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP Here,

Very interesting how the responses here are basically a split of 1) no way, and 2) go for it and don't ask for anything extra, with just a few 3) encouraging we ask for more money in some form.

To address some of the questions:

-I do work and travel but my parents are nearby and help out when we are both unavailable which does already happen
-I do think this is supposed to be considered an opportunity that will create advancement for him after. This project will be followed by a domestic long term project which will mean little or no travel after for at least 3 years
-DH has mixed feelings, he is very concerned about how it will impact our kids, especially our 5 yr DD
-The cheating thing doesn't concern me. We have been married 15 years, since right after college and I completely trust him and we have a great marriage
-His company is American but global obviously

So far the thread has me leaning towards encouraging him to go and perhaps getting more help at home probably in the form of cleaning and maybe a few days help with kids. My parents are very willing to help and have said this is something they would be very supportive of.

I guess initially I just thought it was odd that they would ask something like this, which was never part of the job when he took it (only limited domestic travel or maybe a 2 weeks trip oversees) and not offer something substantial. As for special skill, he sort of does have this going on as he has significant technical experience and they are looking to increase that expertise in advance of a very high profile domestic project following it. He's essentially going there to get hands on experience to leverage on the project back here after.

I do agree that this sort of thing could be great for his resume but I also think it could lead to lucrative but similar opportunities in the future. I have pretty limited interest in being an ex-Pat, especially in Asia.

I also think it's interesting as one PP said that a mom would never consider or likely even be asked to do anything like this.

I do appreciate all the feedback. I will likely encourage him to go and maybe try to ask for them to consider in the stipend that we have new expenses at home as a result of this that will need to be covered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here,

Very interesting how the responses here are basically a split of 1) no way, and 2) go for it and don't ask for anything extra, with just a few 3) encouraging we ask for more money in some form.

To address some of the questions:

-I do work and travel but my parents are nearby and help out when we are both unavailable which does already happen
-I do think this is supposed to be considered an opportunity that will create advancement for him after. This project will be followed by a domestic long term project which will mean little or no travel after for at least 3 years
-DH has mixed feelings, he is very concerned about how it will impact our kids, especially our 5 yr DD
-The cheating thing doesn't concern me. We have been married 15 years, since right after college and I completely trust him and we have a great marriage
-His company is American but global obviously

So far the thread has me leaning towards encouraging him to go and perhaps getting more help at home probably in the form of cleaning and maybe a few days help with kids. My parents are very willing to help and have said this is something they would be very supportive of.

I guess initially I just thought it was odd that they would ask something like this, which was never part of the job when he took it (only limited domestic travel or maybe a 2 weeks trip oversees) and not offer something substantial. As for special skill, he sort of does have this going on as he has significant technical experience and they are looking to increase that expertise in advance of a very high profile domestic project following it. He's essentially going there to get hands on experience to leverage on the project back here after.

I do agree that this sort of thing could be great for his resume but I also think it could lead to lucrative but similar opportunities in the future. I have pretty limited interest in being an ex-Pat, especially in Asia.

I also think it's interesting as one PP said that a mom would never consider or likely even be asked to do anything like this.

I do appreciate all the feedback. I will likely encourage him to go and maybe try to ask for them to consider in the stipend that we have new expenses at home as a result of this that will need to be covered.

One additional point I left out, DH is considering asking if the five months is truly necessary? He feels he can get what he needs out of this in less time, maybe 2-3 months and is considering suggesting this and maybe compromising. He is desirable for this specifically but we are not naive and know there are others who could likely do this if he says no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here,

Very interesting how the responses here are basically a split of 1) no way, and 2) go for it and don't ask for anything extra, with just a few 3) encouraging we ask for more money in some form.

To address some of the questions:

-I do work and travel but my parents are nearby and help out when we are both unavailable which does already happen
-I do think this is supposed to be considered an opportunity that will create advancement for him after. This project will be followed by a domestic long term project which will mean little or no travel after for at least 3 years
-DH has mixed feelings, he is very concerned about how it will impact our kids, especially our 5 yr DD
-The cheating thing doesn't concern me. We have been married 15 years, since right after college and I completely trust him and we have a great marriage
-His company is American but global obviously

So far the thread has me leaning towards encouraging him to go and perhaps getting more help at home probably in the form of cleaning and maybe a few days help with kids. My parents are very willing to help and have said this is something they would be very supportive of.

I guess initially I just thought it was odd that they would ask something like this, which was never part of the job when he took it (only limited domestic travel or maybe a 2 weeks trip oversees) and not offer something substantial. As for special skill, he sort of does have this going on as he has significant technical experience and they are looking to increase that expertise in advance of a very high profile domestic project following it. He's essentially going there to get hands on experience to leverage on the project back here after.

I do agree that this sort of thing could be great for his resume but I also think it could lead to lucrative but similar opportunities in the future. I have pretty limited interest in being an ex-Pat, especially in Asia.

I also think it's interesting as one PP said that a mom would never consider or likely even be asked to do anything like this.

I do appreciate all the feedback. I will likely encourage him to go and maybe try to ask for them to consider in the stipend that we have new expenses at home as a result of this that will need to be covered.

OP, you sound like a thoughtful, clear-headed person with excellent judgment and instincts. You and your husband know what you value and are weighing this challenge/opportunity with the right considerations in mind. Clearly, you will be fine whatever you do.

Whenever I ask for advice on DCUM, I get some unseful perspectives that I hadn't considered - but I take all the advice with a giant grain of salt, since no one knows my situation better than I. It sounds like you're doing that and I think that you'll reach a decision that makes the most sense for you and your family.

Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There has to be some additional compensation for housing, plus a per diem for food and transport. How much is that?

You're only looking at the negatives, OP. Look at the positives. Could you go visit him and give your children an international experience?

"give your children an international experience"??

The kids are 2 and 5 - what are they going to get out of an international experience other than sitting on airplanes watching cartoons? You really think a 2 yo and a 5 yo are going to gain some great insights? I think you have taken too many regional studies courses at your SLAC.

A couple of weeks on the beach in Thailand would be a lovely experience. They can do it when dh gets time off. Op, sometimes you can say no to such opportunities and there would be no immediate negative consequence, but it may be something that others take note off and can come back in form of missed promotion (e.g. for lack of this experience) or future such opportunities, etc. you dh knows best what are the career ramifications of accepting or refusing this opportunity. The thing about these things is that they sometimes open other doors and opportunities.

It is tough to be on your own, but you can find help especially if your parents are around and ready to help. Can you move in with them for the time being? Can your mom be more hands on help? Can you hire someone part time for 5 months to help you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One additional point I left out, DH is considering asking if the five months is truly necessary? He feels he can get what he needs out of this in less time, maybe 2-3 months and is considering suggesting this and maybe compromising. He is desirable for this specifically but we are not naive and know there are others who could likely do this if he says no.

This sounds like a good way for your DH to start negotiations with his boss/company. In the discussion he could possibly also bring up some of his top concerns about being overseas for 5 months. Then perhaps they would agree to less time or more money (as a way to offset the additional childcare/household costs of him being gone).

[Anonymous]

Well, I think the top issues are (1) is it even possible for you to continue in your job with DH gone? If you have to travel so often, how is this going to work? Do you have nearby grandparents who are willing, and able, to step in? (2) Was your husband offered this opportunity or was he instructed that he's going? ie - does he risk losing his job if he says no can do?

With the way you've presented this, it sounds like a nonstarter, but if that means DH's losing his job, then maybe that's a nonstarter too. You're in a bind. I'd start calling up relatives and seeing if I can piece together enough support to make it possible - assuming this is necessary, or just good for advancement, for DH's career.

[Anonymous]

I am into week 4 of my DH being gone on a business trip; I work, we have a 6yo and a 3yo, and a similar HHI. It started rather suddenly, he could not decline (without losing his job), and we don't know how long it will last (at least 2 more months, but possibly longer). He's only in northern MD, and gets to come home a day every week or two, but that doesn't help much with the day to day scheduling.

It is very hard--much more so than I think I was prepared for. Our whole life, and routine, is based around two parents, and to have that rug pulled out from under you is eye opening. I have a full time job, with a 3 day/week commute of 1.5hrs each way (WFH the other two days), and have had to cut my hours almost in half to manage dropoffs, pickups, etc. (Very lucky I have an understanding employer.) I also have family in the area, who have been invaluable, but it's just not the same. It's relentless, and little things I never thought of before really make life harder. If I don't get my grocery shopping done on my lunch break, I can't just do it after bedtime like I used to, because I can't leave the kids alone in the house. I'm "on" ALL weekend--no more trading off mornings and afternoons, birthday parties are suddenly harder to navigate (decline? ask if I can bring other child? hire a sitter?), to do ANYTHING without the kids I have to line up a sitter, either leaning more on my family or paying money for one.

It's also been really hard on the kids--DS (6/K) is acting out in school and constantly asking when Daddy will be home, and DD (3) is extra clingy and throwing tantrums. They miss him SO MUCH, even though he's been able to come home twice already! He made it home for DS's birthday dinner, but missed the party the next day. He and I both will miss DD's birthday (I had a previously scheduled and unmissable biz trip). And of course DH hates being away from them just as much.

I think the *only* reason we've been able to tolerate it is because DH is earning a TON of overtime. I really don't know how we'd manage otherwise--recognize that you may either need to shorten your own hours (less pay or night make up work meaning even less time for yourself) or hire more help, and if your DH isn't bringing in more money while he's away, the trip will effectively be a pay cut.

I'm not saying don't do it, just trying to point out some of the issues we are facing. No extra money would probably be a dealbreaker for me, unless I worked 10min from home and already did all the dropoffs/pickups (and thus wouldn't need as much day-to-day help). Although, knowing when it will end is a huge plus in your favor--not even knowing how much longer we have to do this is the worst part.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to determine if I am being emotional and dramatic or if in fact this is really asking a lot from his company? He is in an engineering technical role and makes about $150K per year. I feel like this ask should include a substantial bonus or something but so far nothing has been offered other than a return home for one paid week every 4-6 weeks.

What do you think? I want to be a supportive spouse but this is going to be extremely difficult on our family. I work full time as well and also travel about 1-2 days every other week. We have a 2 and 5 year old.

Thanks in advance for objective perspectives.

Paid travel home every month or so is pretty generous.

Not really, I think its pretty standard. Every consultant I know who travels "full time" gets their weekends home travel paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to determine if I am being emotional and dramatic or if in fact this is really asking a lot from his company? He is in an engineering technical role and makes about $150K per year. I feel like this ask should include a substantial bonus or something but so far nothing has been offered other than a return home for one paid week every 4-6 weeks.

What do you think? I want to be a supportive spouse but this is going to be extremely difficult on our family. I work full time as well and also travel about 1-2 days every other week. We have a 2 and 5 year old.

Thanks in advance for objective perspectives.

That's crazy. He wants to do this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By comparison my DH will be deployed next year for 6 months with no choice although he's a reservist and no travel home and no bonus to speak of and I will have a just barely one year old. I think it'll be hard with two kids but I'd let him do it. Make sure to schedule all the travel home in advance and you take off for some of those weeks too and make it special family time.

But this guy is not in the military....

And he probably gets paid a lot more (than military) too..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There has to be some additional compensation for housing, plus a per diem for food and transport. How much is that?

You're only looking at the negatives, OP. Look at the positives. Could you go visit him and give your children an international experience?

They will of course cover all of his housing, travel, and meals. We could possibly visit but I am not really that interested in this as my kids are very young to appreciate an international experience and both DH and I have been to Asia various times. Not trying to be negative, but this feels like a big ask without much upside.

Does a special bonus sound realistic to ask for?

I mean, he can ASK for a bonus, but I guarantee there's someone willing to do it without the bonus, which means your DH ends up looking petty and passing up what I'm confident is an opportunity for advancement. The "bonus" comes from him proving he's willing to take one for the team, and being rewarded down the line.

Foolish. That is not how it works. They will take all they can get and then replace him with a cheaper h1b worker. No company rewards someone for taking it for the team