DH being asked to spend five months in Asia for work. Asking too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to determine if I am being emotional and dramatic or if in fact this is really asking a lot from his company? He is in an engineering technical role and makes about $150K per year. I feel like this ask should include a substantial bonus or something but so far nothing has been offered other than a return home for one paid week every 4-6 weeks.

What do you think? I want to be a supportive spouse but this is going to be extremely difficult on our family. I work full time as well and also travel about 1-2 days every other week. We have a 2 and 5 year old.

Thanks in advance for objective perspectives.

There are so many responses here that keep telling you "you can do it!!!" Fuck that. Don't do it. You didn't sign up to be a single mom while you're married, and your husband has 0 responsibility for your kids for 5 freakin' months! Are you kidding me?

I know there are military spouses that have it worse - much worse. But OP did not marry into the service. And even military deployments get bonuses.

You are not being dramatic. You are reacting to having your partner taken away from you for 1/2 a year, and society judging you for not being OK with it. You have a career, and so does he. Let him take the career hit this time. Your gender has you taking the hit the rest of the time.

I agree that OP did not marry into the military---but I feel that in saying "military deployments get bonuses" you should clarify that the "bonus" (family separation allowance) is only $250/month. Not exactly a windfall.

You are right, I only meant to suggest that while the military essentially owns their service people (you go where they tell you, crappy pay, and insane hours), even they grant a bonus for extended periods of time away.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised so many people are telling the OP to suck it up. Unless your DH works for an international firm where stuff like this is the norm and that was clear when he applied for the job, I think this is horrible. I think your DH should try to get out of it and seek out another opportunity. This is too long for DH to be away from his wife and kids. Yes I realize people do it, but people also survive all kinds of crappy things - that doesn't mean that companies should just expect people to put up with it!! It would maybe be different if DH made tons of money or was expecting a crazy huge bonus (the kind that could pay for college) out of this, but it sounds like any kind of career advancement is far from guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

We are in month 10 of a 12 month TDY separation. Not military. My DH is a Fed. It certainly hasn't been easy. But he gets one trip home a month plus all of his expenses are covered and the government provides us lawn service, security system, a cleaning service.....

It's certainly doesn't make up for a year of separation, but it has eased the burden on me. I will add that before my DH was a Fed, he was military. It's likely easier on me because I've done it many times before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it. They want to take advantage of him.

Huh? Take advantage of him? No, they want to employ him. If he wants out, no doubt there is an exit door with someone else knocking on it, willing to do some honest work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it. They want to take advantage of him.

Huh? Take advantage of him? No, they want to employ him. If he wants out, no doubt there is an exit door with someone else knocking on it, willing to do some honest work.

He doesn't LIVE in freaking Asia. If he wanted to be employed in Asia I assume he'd apply for jobs in Asia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in month 10 of a 12 month TDY separation. Not military. My DH is a Fed. It certainly hasn't been easy. But he gets one trip home a month plus all of his expenses are covered and the government provides us lawn service, security system, a cleaning service.....

It's certainly doesn't make up for a year of separation, but it has eased the burden on me. I will add that before my DH was a Fed, he was military. It's likely easier on me because I've done it many times before.

Fed here. I have never heard of any agency offering these extras. Where does he work? How did you swing those? Lawn care, security, flights home? Wow. Are these standard for feds or for his agency?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here,

Very interesting how the responses here are basically a split of 1) no way, and 2) go for it and don't ask for anything extra, with just a few 3) encouraging we ask for more money in some form.

To address some of the questions:

-I do work and travel but my parents are nearby and help out when we are both unavailable which does already happen
-I do think this is supposed to be considered an opportunity that will create advancement for him after. This project will be followed by a domestic long term project which will mean little or no travel after for at least 3 years
-DH has mixed feelings, he is very concerned about how it will impact our kids, especially our 5 yr DD
-The cheating thing doesn't concern me. We have been married 15 years, since right after college and I completely trust him and we have a great marriage
-His company is American but global obviously

So far the thread has me leaning towards encouraging him to go and perhaps getting more help at home probably in the form of cleaning and maybe a few days help with kids. My parents are very willing to help and have said this is something they would be very supportive of.

I guess initially I just thought it was odd that they would ask something like this, which was never part of the job when he took it (only limited domestic travel or maybe a 2 weeks trip oversees) and not offer something substantial. As for special skill, he sort of does have this going on as he has significant technical experience and they are looking to increase that expertise in advance of a very high profile domestic project following it. He's essentially going there to get hands on experience to leverage on the project back here after.

I do agree that this sort of thing could be great for his resume but I also think it could lead to lucrative but similar opportunities in the future. I have pretty limited interest in being an ex-Pat, especially in Asia.

I also think it's interesting as one PP said that a mom would never consider or likely even be asked to do anything like this.

I do appreciate all the feedback. I will likely encourage him to go and maybe try to ask for them to consider in the stipend that we have new expenses at home as a result of this that will need to be covered.

One additional point I left out, DH is considering asking if the five months is truly necessary? He feels he can get what he needs out of this in less time, maybe 2-3 months and is considering suggesting this and maybe compromising. He is desirable for this specifically but we are not naive and know there are others who could likely do this if he says no.

If someone else could go, let them? Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never do that. Especially for no extra money. I would have DH quit, worse case scenario.
Our lives are here, no job will take DH away from the kids and from me for five months.
Are people that desperate for jobs that they would do this?

DH gave up plenty of opportunity for advancement due to the fact that I won't move, oh well. He can still advance, it's just slower,

Agree.


Way to prioritize work over family OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Agree.


Way to prioritize work over family OP.

Absolutely. There's always a few hand-wringing ninnies on this board who believe all employees should simply be grateful for having a job and they should never stand up for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in month 10 of a 12 month TDY separation. Not military. My DH is a Fed. It certainly hasn't been easy. But he gets one trip home a month plus all of his expenses are covered and the government provides us lawn service, security system, a cleaning service.....

It's certainly doesn't make up for a year of separation, but it has eased the burden on me. I will add that before my DH was a Fed, he was military. It's likely easier on me because I've done it many times before.

Fed here. I have never heard of any agency offering these extras. Where does he work? How did you swing those? Lawn care, security, flights home? Wow. Are these standard for feds or for his agency?

Standard for TDY assignments in his agency.

[Anonymous]

Wow I'm in a ten week TDY overseas (am a fed) and I get nothing extra. Just OT pay if worked and per diem. No monthly trips home, security, lawn care, etc. Love to know what agency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in month 10 of a 12 month TDY separation. Not military. My DH is a Fed. It certainly hasn't been easy. But he gets one trip home a month plus all of his expenses are covered and the government provides us lawn service, security system, a cleaning service.....

It's certainly doesn't make up for a year of separation, but it has eased the burden on me. I will add that before my DH was a Fed, he was military. It's likely easier on me because I've done it many times before.

Fed here. I have never heard of any agency offering these extras. Where does he work? How did you swing those? Lawn care, security, flights home? Wow. Are these standard for feds or for his agency?

Sounds like a TDY scam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in month 10 of a 12 month TDY separation. Not military. My DH is a Fed. It certainly hasn't been easy. But he gets one trip home a month plus all of his expenses are covered and the government provides us lawn service, security system, a cleaning service.....

It's certainly doesn't make up for a year of separation, but it has eased the burden on me. I will add that before my DH was a Fed, he was military. It's likely easier on me because I've done it many times before.

Fed here. I have never heard of any agency offering these extras. Where does he work? How did you swing those? Lawn care, security, flights home? Wow. Are these standard for feds or for his agency?

Sounds like a TDY scam.

Nope. Standard for my Agency, too. It's rare so we probably work for the same place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in month 10 of a 12 month TDY separation. Not military. My DH is a Fed. It certainly hasn't been easy. But he gets one trip home a month plus all of his expenses are covered and the government provides us lawn service, security system, a cleaning service.....

It's certainly doesn't make up for a year of separation, but it has eased the burden on me. I will add that before my DH was a Fed, he was military. It's likely easier on me because I've done it many times before.

Fed here. I have never heard of any agency offering these extras. Where does he work? How did you swing those? Lawn care, security, flights home? Wow. Are these standard for feds or for his agency?

Sounds like a TDY scam.

Nope. Standard for my Agency, too. It's rare so we probably work for the same place.

I honestly thought all federal agencies offered those TDY benefits. My DH has done several longer TDY assignments and we've always been given those things. We have to submit itemized paperwork along with receipts. Not sure how you could "scam". It's very straightforward. There is a list of covered expenses.