Reply to DH being asked to spend five months in Asia for work. Asking too much?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am into week 4 of my DH being gone on a business trip; I work, we have a 6yo and a 3yo, and a similar HHI.  It started rather suddenly, he could not decline (without losing his job), and we don't know how long it will last (at least 2 more months, but possibly longer).  He's only in northern MD, and gets to come home a day every week or two, but that doesn't help much with the day to day scheduling.

It is very hard--much more so than I think I was prepared for.  Our whole life, and routine, is based around two parents, and to have that rug pulled out from under you is eye opening.  I have a full time job, with a 3 day/week commute of 1.5hrs each way (WFH the other two days), and have had to cut my hours almost in half to manage dropoffs, pickups, etc.  (Very lucky I have an understanding employer.) I also have family in the area, who have been invaluable, but it's just not the same.  It's relentless, and little things I never thought of before really make life harder.  If I don't get my grocery shopping done on my lunch break, I can't just do it after bedtime like I used to, because I can't leave the kids alone in the house.  I'm "on" ALL weekend--no more trading off mornings and afternoons, birthday parties are suddenly harder to navigate (decline? ask if I can bring other child? hire a sitter?), to do ANYTHING without the kids I have to line up a sitter, either leaning more on my family or paying money for one.

It's also been really hard on the kids--DS (6/K) is acting out in school and constantly asking when Daddy will be home, and DD (3) is extra clingy and throwing tantrums.  They miss him SO MUCH, even though he's been able to come home twice already!  He made it home for DS's birthday dinner, but missed the party the next day.  He and I both will miss DD's birthday (I had a previously scheduled and unmissable biz trip).  And of course DH hates being away from them just as much.

I think the *only* reason we've been able to tolerate it is because DH is earning a TON of overtime.  I really don't know how we'd manage otherwise--recognize that you may either need to shorten your own hours (less pay or night make up work meaning even less time for yourself) or hire more help, and if your DH isn't bringing in more money while he's away, the trip will effectively be a pay cut.

I'm not saying don't do it, just trying to point out some of the issues we are facing.  No extra money would probably be a dealbreaker for me, unless I worked 10min from home and already did all the dropoffs/pickups (and thus wouldn't need as much day-to-day help).  Although, knowing when it will end is a huge plus in your favor--not even knowing how much longer we have to do this is the worst part.

Good luck.[/quote]

100% agree. OP: this is THE most important post of the thread. Please know that it will be a tremendous toll on you and your children at home. Yes, it will be hard for your husband, but depending on the personality of your kids, it will them being in crisis the entire time and you are  person who has to deal with it, and it is absolutely. exhausting. Resentment will grow even in a strong marriage. (And a proactive plea to ignore the "kids  are resilient" bs advice, especially if you have an emotional kid who doesn't deal well with transitions. Of course they can cope, but at what cost?)  If he absolutely has to do it to keep his job, then you'll have to make it work. Otherwise, pass. If it harms his career that much where he is (which I doubt) then he looks for a new job in the next couple of years. 
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