Donor eggs. vs. adoption

[Anonymous]

I could easily see it going the other way...that the DE child feels like some sort of science project whereas an adopted child feels grateful. But agree it's hard to predict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could easily see it going the other way...that the DE child feels like some sort of science project whereas an adopted child feels grateful. But agree it's hard to predict.

12:48 here. A good friend of mine - an open-minded, well-meaning friend - said something similar about "a science project" when I was trying to decide whether to do DE. It's understandable because it can be hard to wrap your mind around the process. I initially had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Having multiple miscarriages made it easy for me to focus. I wanted the baby, and I made an intellectual and emotional leap, not to mention a leap of faith.

Look. There are probably quite a few kids in the DC area who were born with the use of donor egg or donor sperm. There are also quite a few kids who were adopted. Next time you're at a playground, take a look. Can you guess which kid goes with which parent? Does any kid look like a science project? They're just kids. Once the child is here and gets to be 4, 5, 6, 10, 12 years old - who is focusing on how he or she got here? If you're the parent, you're focusing on how to get the kids to the bus stop, make sure they've done their homework, drive them to sports practice, invite their friends over, plan birthday parties, plan vacations, etc. It's easy to focus on the process of conception when you're in this situation, but I think it's very unusual to be thinking about it on a daily basis once the baby is here and once some time has passed.

I'm not trying to convince anyone, by the way. It's a very big decision - whether to pursue DE, adoption, or to remain child-free or a parent of an only child, in the case of secondary infertility. All are good options.

If you do decide to go with DE, there are excellent books out there written for small children. It's not that hard to explain, even to a small child. I like "Mommy Was Your Tummy Big?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a mom with two daughters - one OE and one DE. I agree with the poster who said it seems that you are not in a place to do either DE or adoption. I'll give you my perspective on DE.

My DE daughter - DD2 - is still quite young, so she hasn't hit the age at which it would even occur to her to wonder if I'm her "real mother". We're very close, so I hope that thought would never enter her mind. DD1 looks very much like me and DD2 doesn't at all - she sort of looks like DH, but really she's a combo of DH and our donor, who doesn't look a thing like me. DD1 knows about the fact that we used DE to have DD2, and it's just not an issue at all. The girls adore each other, and DH and I are close to our two girls. No one has used the donor issue to try to drive a wedge between any of us.

We have not told any of our extended family about using DE. None of the grandparents knows, nor aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. We occasionally get comments from our family wondering who DD2 looks like. It bothers me when it happens, I'll be honest, since I don't want DD2 to feel different. No one has harped on it, and we don't get these comments often, so it hasn't been too much of an issue. We answer nonchalantly "she looks like herself" and then we move on to "how did Larla's soccer game go?"

I started the DE process not 100% sure I wanted to do DE, but I knew I would love any child who came to us. I was glad to get to carry another baby and to have child who shared genetics with DD1 and DH. I'm so thrilled we did DE and that I didn't waste another minute. YMMV though, and it sounds as though if you're really thinking about adoption or DE that you should sort your feelings out with a therapist who specializes in these issues.

On OBs and medical literature: I don't think doctors are always great about reading and understanding the literature. I also think that OBs aren't great about understanding RE research and vice versa. There is a small amount of evidence that moms through DE can be more prone to PIH due to an immune response. As for unhealthy babies? I'd need to see the citation on that. There are DE kids with issues, but I wonder how much of that is beyond what would normally be expected. I also wonder how much of that is due to the fact that a lot of people transfer more than one embryo and end up with twins.

OP here. Thank you for sharing your story. I can really relate to a lot of what you said. I am interested to find out why you decided not to tell the grandparents. If we do DE, we will tell my parents (because they would realize that the DE child doesn't look like me/them), but not my husband's parents, since the DE child would be genetically related to them. My daughter looks exactly like me and my parents, so I feel like I would want to tell my parents, but no other family.

Also, can I ask what your infertility diagnosis was that led you to DE? For me, it's unexplained infertility, but I've already spent over a year trying with my own eggs and feel like it's time to move on to something else that has a better chance of success. How old were you when you decided to start the DE process?

How did your pregnancy go? I'm worried about a DE pregnancy and pre-eclampsia. I had no complications with my first pregnancy (other than severe morning sickness) but really worry about pre-eclampsia.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid-40's with pre-existing High Blood Pressure who did DE. So I was high, high risk for preeclampsia. I was high risk enough that I didn't go to an OB, I went straight to a MFM doctor. I didn't get preeclampsia.

I checked my blood pressure every day, sometimes twice a day. After 20 weeks I checked my morning urine for proteins.

I think making sure I got enough electrolytes really helped. Drinking plain water can wash away all your sodium, magnesium and potassium. So I put powdered coconut water in my drinks and used Magnesium Oil spray at night.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to chime in here and agree with PPs that you are not ready for adoption/DE...but I'm saying this from a place of sympathy. I have a DD from IVF with OE. We were fortunate that one of the frozen embryos took so that I am now pregnant again with her petri-dish twin, but I was very certain that I could not do DE or adoption if it didn't despite very much wanting a second child.

My concerns were not the same as yours, but some run along the same lines of having difficulty wrapping my head around a child who was not genetically related to me etc. Adopting a child or even half a child (which is one way to look at DE) is not something to enter lightly. One of my best friends has an older sister who is adopted, and there were issues that she continued to struggle with even in high school. My DD's nanny is currently in the midst of the foster-to-adopt process. I know from being close to people who have been/are going though the process that it's not something I am likely to be able to square myself to emotionally. I don't think that makes me a bad person, just honest about who I am.

Counseling may help you overcome these misgivings, but I'm offering the perspective that there is nothing wrong/bad/unusual about you if you are unable to do so. Adoption takes a very specific kind of emotional fortitude.

[Anonymous]

+1 I agree 100% with PP above. I was so relieved when I finally admitted to myself that adoption was not for me and let go of the guilt.

[Anonymous]

I definitely am wondering some about the cause for some of OP's doubts about using donor eggs or adopting. For example, the concern about genetic defects in IVF babies and the concern about preeclampsia.

But that aside, I'm surprised that nobody has mentioned embryo adoption. According to my understanding, this can be very affordable. In addition,it's possible to adopt embryos from young couples with very high success rates. I also don't know why you would be concerned about PGS testing, To me it would be the best way that of assuring a healthy pregnancy. I think it would cost a lot less than either IVF or adoption and would probably be the fastest way to a second child. You wouldn't need to go through all the hormones used to stimulate egg production. I've gone through in FET myself and it was a pretty simple process. FET cycles have higher rates of pregnancy then fresh cycles at many clinicsbecause only the best embryos are frozen. Depending on the process you go through you might also have an opportunity to select embryos from a couple whose other children look like your own.

But regardless of what you decide to do I definitely would suggest you talk over your concerns with the therapist. It's not that your concerns are valid but I think talking with the therapist will help you think through them and determine what options are the best for you.

[Anonymous]

^Sorry I meant to say it's not that your concerns aren't valid

[Anonymous]

OP, it doesn't sound like either Donor Eggs or adoption is right for you if you are keeping secrets and really want a child who looks like you.

Adoption is very complex. For some it is simple, ours is not. Many birthparents now want an open adoption, anywhere from yearly letters to visits depending on what is negotiated. The child most likely look like you. If you keep the adoption a secret and don't handle it right for that child, you can really screw up a child.

[Anonymous]

OP, 12:48 again. We decided not to tell grandparents or extended family because a number of them are very conservative and rigid in their views. Some in the extended family are opposed to IVF in any form. This decision to have a child via DE is DH's and mine, and I didn't want any of the family to think they had input on whether or not we went this route. We are absolutely "tell" to our children - we believe that is very important. If our child tells family or friends, that is totally fine. We will deal with that situation when it happens, and our child will know we have her back.

To a PP who asks about secrecy: there is evidence supporting the benefits of telling the child about his or her origins. There is no literature supporting the benefits of telling the entire world, including judgmental relatives and nosy neighbors.

I never had a formal diagnosis but I was in my early 40s. My numbers were great, but age trumps everything. The pregnancy went very smoothly after some queasiness in the first trimester. I was overweight but had no blood pressure issues. The delivery went well, recovery was great, and DD is in perfect health. There are of course no guarantees with anything, but since you're asking about my experience, it was very good.

I want to comment on your concerns about whether a child will look like you. These are very normal concerns to have. I agree with 00:07 that if you find you can't do this, it's totally okay. I was worried about having a child who didn't look like me. What helped me process my feelings was going to donor egg boards - I recommend the network54 boards - and reading what people wrote, and seeing if any of it resonated with me. There are moms who report their kids don't look like them and moms who report their kids DO look like them, and you can't necessarily predict which way it will go. We passed on a donor who looked a lot like me because she didn't feel like a fit for other reasons. The donor we chose was proven multiple times, and she had a great family health history.

If you do DE, you have to choose what qualities in a donor matter to you. You will see on fertility boards that some people will say "the perfect donor is the one who gets you pregnant," and my own perspective is that when you feel this statement resonates with you, you will know you're completely on board with DE. I think in focusing on appearances, you may be grieving the loss of the genetic connection. That's totally okay. The question is whether moving on to have a baby or adopt a child without a genetic connection is the right choice for you. Have you considered remaining a parent of an only child? You should read the General Parenting board - a lot of people are one and done and thrilled about it. There are a lot of positives in stopping at one child.

I do recommend sorting through all of this with a therapist who specializes in ART issues. There is nothing wrong with anything you're asking, but I think that after a certain point a therapist will be more helpful to you and your specific situation than feedback on this board. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks PP for sharing more of your story and perspectives. I am finding it very helpful!

To answer one of your questions, no we really do want a second child and having an only child is not an option at all for us. I am an only child, and I absolutely hated growing up as an only child, but I dislike it more as an adult. I have always felt/continue to feel all alone in the world, growing up with no siblings and having no extended family now. My parents are retired, moved far away, and are not involved much at all in my life or my daughter's life unfortunately--this is their choice. They are far more interested in spending their retirement watching TV in a far away place than being involved (and they're not that old). We don't have any local family, so I feel that makes it even more important to have a second child, to give my daughter more family. My husband's family also lives far away and we are not close with them at all. Also we really want a second child, our family does not feel complete to either my husband or I. Raising an only child is not the path I want to be on, since I had such a miserable experience being an only child myself. Granted, my parents did a lot of things wrong in raising an only child, such as not making much effort to build relationships for me with my many cousins (all of whom lived far away) but still, being an only child is not an experience I want my daughter to have.

Did you do fresh or frozen donor eggs? I'm mainly considering fresh as they have a higher success rate. How long did you try with your own eggs? Did you do IVF? I guess I feel that my chances of success with IVF are so dismal that it's not worth even trying.

I guess I'm leaning more toward donor eggs than adoption at this point, but I still have a lot of worries/fears about the process and the pregnancy. I consulted with a maternal fetal medicine doctor about donor egg pregnancies and he told me they have a greater complication risk than natural pregnancies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks PP for sharing more of your story and perspectives. I am finding it very helpful!

To answer one of your questions, no we really do want a second child and having an only child is not an option at all for us. I am an only child, and I absolutely hated growing up as an only child, but I dislike it more as an adult. I have always felt/continue to feel all alone in the world, growing up with no siblings and having no extended family now. My parents are retired, moved far away, and are not involved much at all in my life or my daughter's life unfortunately--this is their choice. They are far more interested in spending their retirement watching TV in a far away place than being involved (and they're not that old). We don't have any local family, so I feel that makes it even more important to have a second child, to give my daughter more family. My husband's family also lives far away and we are not close with them at all. Also we really want a second child, our family does not feel complete to either my husband or I. Raising an only child is not the path I want to be on, since I had such a miserable experience being an only child myself. Granted, my parents did a lot of things wrong in raising an only child, such as not making much effort to build relationships for me with my many cousins (all of whom lived far away) but still, being an only child is not an experience I want my daughter to have.

Did you do fresh or frozen donor eggs? I'm mainly considering fresh as they have a higher success rate. How long did you try with your own eggs? Did you do IVF? I guess I feel that my chances of success with IVF are so dismal that it's not worth even trying.

I guess I'm leaning more toward donor eggs than adoption at this point, but I still have a lot of worries/fears about the process and the pregnancy. I consulted with a maternal fetal medicine doctor about donor egg pregnancies and he told me they have a greater complication risk than natural pregnancies.


eeek...don't have a second child only for the benefit of your first. I believe this is an extra slippery road when the first is yours biologically and the second is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks PP for sharing more of your story and perspectives. I am finding it very helpful!

To answer one of your questions, no we really do want a second child and having an only child is not an option at all for us. I am an only child, and I absolutely hated growing up as an only child, but I dislike it more as an adult. I have always felt/continue to feel all alone in the world, growing up with no siblings and having no extended family now. My parents are retired, moved far away, and are not involved much at all in my life or my daughter's life unfortunately--this is their choice. They are far more interested in spending their retirement watching TV in a far away place than being involved (and they're not that old). We don't have any local family, so I feel that makes it even more important to have a second child, to give my daughter more family. My husband's family also lives far away and we are not close with them at all. Also we really want a second child, our family does not feel complete to either my husband or I. Raising an only child is not the path I want to be on, since I had such a miserable experience being an only child myself. Granted, my parents did a lot of things wrong in raising an only child, such as not making much effort to build relationships for me with my many cousins (all of whom lived far away) but still, being an only child is not an experience I want my daughter to have.

Did you do fresh or frozen donor eggs? I'm mainly considering fresh as they have a higher success rate. How long did you try with your own eggs? Did you do IVF? I guess I feel that my chances of success with IVF are so dismal that it's not worth even trying.

I guess I'm leaning more toward donor eggs than adoption at this point, but I still have a lot of worries/fears about the process and the pregnancy. I consulted with a maternal fetal medicine doctor about donor egg pregnancies and he told me they have a greater complication risk than natural pregnancies.

eeek...don't have a second child only for the benefit of your first. I believe this is an extra slippery road when the first is yours biologically and the second is not.



eeek...don't have a second child only for the benefit of your first. I believe this is an extra slippery road when the first is yours biologically and the second is not.

[Anonymous]

Hi, two time adoptive Mom here. There is a bit of an age gap between the kids, and I wasn't familiar with DCUM at the time of my first adoption a few years ago. Honestly until reading this forum, I never realized how many people used DE. I thought it was a very, very rare choice, now I see it is actually pretty common. For me with the first adoption, it just seemed totally alien to me, plus my husband and I wanted to be equally related to our child. I should say both our adoptions were international so the children were waiting, don't look like us, and are non special needs. We used a reputable agency and had good experiences with both adoptions. That said, adoption is expensive, intrusive, and very public. We had such a good experience with our first adoption, that there was no question we would pursue the process again for our second. I felt pretty strongly that a 'no" from my body after trying for 4+ years was a sign to look in another direction, although if I was starting out right now maybe I would feel differently. One thing I hope is that the prevalence of DE doesn't dissuade people from adopting. It is really a wonderful, transformational experience, and you and your child are bonded for life. Should we meet the birth parents some day (and I hope we will) I just see it as (hopefully) a bonus for our children. Good luck with your decision!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks PP for sharing more of your story and perspectives. I am finding it very helpful!

To answer one of your questions, no we really do want a second child and having an only child is not an option at all for us. I am an only child, and I absolutely hated growing up as an only child, but I dislike it more as an adult. I have always felt/continue to feel all alone in the world, growing up with no siblings and having no extended family now. My parents are retired, moved far away, and are not involved much at all in my life or my daughter's life unfortunately--this is their choice. They are far more interested in spending their retirement watching TV in a far away place than being involved (and they're not that old). We don't have any local family, so I feel that makes it even more important to have a second child, to give my daughter more family. My husband's family also lives far away and we are not close with them at all. Also we really want a second child, our family does not feel complete to either my husband or I. Raising an only child is not the path I want to be on, since I had such a miserable experience being an only child myself. Granted, my parents did a lot of things wrong in raising an only child, such as not making much effort to build relationships for me with my many cousins (all of whom lived far away) but still, being an only child is not an experience I want my daughter to have.

Did you do fresh or frozen donor eggs? I'm mainly considering fresh as they have a higher success rate. How long did you try with your own eggs? Did you do IVF? I guess I feel that my chances of success with IVF are so dismal that it's not worth even trying.

I guess I'm leaning more toward donor eggs than adoption at this point, but I still have a lot of worries/fears about the process and the pregnancy. I consulted with a maternal fetal medicine doctor about donor egg pregnancies and he told me they have a greater complication risk than natural pregnancies.

There is no guarantee that a sibling would have been close to you. It's easy to dream up an idealized family but things are not always picture book perfect. My cousin is married to a woman whose parents passed away, and she has a brother who has been estranged from the family for many years, including from her. The estranged brother has family and kids, but she never met them in her life, he refuses any reapproachment and contact. So there, a sibling is not a panacea from feeling like an orphan.

Another point that's important to make: ANY pregnancy resulting from IVF has higher likelihood of complications. The literature suggests that the risk is still not large, AND that it's correlation, not causation. As in: people who already have health issues affecting their fertility also may have issues carrying a pregnancy resulting from ART.