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[quote=Anonymous]OP, 12:48 again.  We decided not to tell grandparents or extended family because a number of them are very conservative and rigid in their views.  Some in the extended family are opposed to IVF in any form.  This decision to have a child via DE is DH's and mine, and I didn't want any of the family to think they had input on whether or not we went this route.  We are absolutely "tell" to our children - we believe that is very important.  If our child tells family or friends, that is totally fine.  We will deal with that situation when it happens, and our child will know we have her back.

To a PP who asks about secrecy:  there is evidence supporting the benefits of telling the child about his or her origins.  There is no literature supporting the benefits of telling the entire world, including judgmental relatives and nosy neighbors.

I never had a formal diagnosis but I was in my early 40s.  My numbers were great, but age trumps everything.  The pregnancy went very smoothly after some queasiness in the first trimester.  I was overweight but had no blood pressure issues.  The delivery went well, recovery was great, and DD is in perfect health.  There are of course no guarantees with anything, but since you're asking about my experience, it was very good.

I want to comment on your concerns about whether a child will look like you.  These are very normal concerns to have.  I agree with 00:07 that if you find you can't do this, it's totally okay.  I was worried about having a child who didn't look like me.  What helped me process my feelings was going to donor egg boards - I recommend the network54 boards - and reading what people wrote, and seeing if any of it resonated with me.  There are moms who report their kids don't look like them and moms who report their kids DO look like them, and you can't necessarily predict which way it will go.  We passed on a donor who looked a lot like me because she didn't feel like a fit for other reasons.  The donor we chose was proven multiple times, and she had a great family health history.

If you do DE, you have to choose what qualities in a donor matter to you.  You will see on fertility boards that some people will say "the perfect donor is the one who gets you pregnant," and my own perspective is that when you feel this statement resonates with you, you will know you're completely on board with DE.  I think in focusing on appearances, you may be grieving the loss of the genetic connection.  That's totally okay.  The question is whether moving on to have a baby or adopt a child without a genetic connection is the right choice for you.  Have you considered remaining a parent of an only child?  You should read the General Parenting board - a lot of people are one and done and thrilled about it.  There are a lot of positives in stopping at one child.

I do recommend sorting through all of this with a therapist who specializes in ART issues.  There is nothing wrong with anything you're asking, but I think that after a certain point a therapist will be more helpful to you and your specific situation than feedback on this board.  Best of luck to you![/quote]

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