Donor eggs. vs. adoption

[Anonymous]

First, OP, I'm sorry that you're struggling with secondary infertility. We also went through this, so I understand the challenges. We chose to adopt and have no regrets. To us, the biological connection isn't determinative of love. Our daughter is in high school now and our son is in college. We're so blessed to have them both. They're wonderful young people who bring us great joy. They're very close to one another and always have each other's backs. Our daughter looks nothing like my husband and son, and not much like me, but that's so inconsequential. She's ours and we're hers. For us, the decision was not so difficult -- we wanted a family -- and we have one. Whatever you choose, OP, I hope you'll find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very tough call. I would do donor eggs if my last ditch attempt with OE doesn't work. For me (and I am being very candid here since this is an anonymous board), there are 3 factors that make adoption a no go: 1) cost 2) logistics and 3) I am not interested in raising someone else's child after going though 1) and 2).

For DE I would go outside of the US in part to minimize the costs and I would feel better knowing that the child is my husband's, since he is the reason I want to have children to begin with. I would also feel better being able to learn about the donor (education, hobbies, photos).

I admire people who adopt, but I know I am not cut out for that. I realize all this may make me sound like a bit of an ass, but this is honestly how I feel.

OP, I've never met an adoptive parent (and I'm one, too) who, once they and the child came together, felt like they were "raising someone else's child."

PLUS INFINITY!!!!! I COULD NOT FEEL LIKE MY DAUGHTER IS MORE MINE....BECAUSE SHE IS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very tough call. I would do donor eggs if my last ditch attempt with OE doesn't work. For me (and I am being very candid here since this is an anonymous board), there are 3 factors that make adoption a no go: 1) cost 2) logistics and 3) I am not interested in raising someone else's child after going though 1) and 2).

For DE I would go outside of the US in part to minimize the costs and I would feel better knowing that the child is my husband's, since he is the reason I want to have children to begin with. I would also feel better being able to learn about the donor (education, hobbies, photos).

I admire people who adopt, but I know I am not cut out for that. I realize all this may make me sound like a bit of an ass, but this is honestly how I feel.

OP, I've never met an adoptive parent (and I'm one, too) who, once they and the child came together, felt like they were "raising someone else's child."

I understand and appreciate that. But this is a self selected group - people who were open to adoption, wanted to do it, and went trough a rigorous time and resource consuming process. So these are the ones who were really sure of their choice. Those who don't want that choice and are not open to it wouldn't go through with it.

Also, even though it may not apply to your group, but there have been cases when adoptive parents couldn't deal with the child and did regret it and either put their kids for re-adoption/private placement, or sent them to residential facilities for difficult children. These are probably a very small minority, but it's not like it's entirely impossible to ever regret it.

Sadly, parental regret ccan also happen for difficult biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is very difficult and expensive. You can get lucky, or not. It took us 6 years, lots of money and grief. Finally as we gave up it happened. I'd never go through the process again nor would I recommend it at this point. Our child is a joy and meant to be our child so I am glad we did it, no regrets but not a chance even though I would love a second, I'd do it again. The industry is very shady and corrupt.

I got sooooooo(!!!!!!) lucky......was matched in less than 6 months with a healthy newborn......the odds were stacked against me, too, because I am single and was 45 at the time. Once the paperwork and hard decisions were made, it rally was seamless (except for the money, of course.) But I cannot put a price on my daughter---priceless. Boy, did I get lucky!!!!! Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

^^ I just want to add that there may be an advantage in not having your child look like you -- perhaps it makes it easier to accept what must be an elemental lesson of parenting -- your child is not you. Our son looks so much like my husband, and now, as a young man, even sounds like him! But, they're very different people. In some ways, I do think that because we went through the adoption experience with our daughter, we've had to understand and accept that our kids aren't mini-mes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also suggest DE. We thought about both, but DE was more something we could plan for and control some aspects of the process. Adoption is so much a matter of luck and chance. We did DE twice to get our two boys. They have different donors so are (very technically) half-siblings. It has never been a problem for us or them. I can't imagine having a more amazing set of kids.

Just FYI, you are much more likely to have a boy with donor eggs than to have a girl. The odds are 1 to 2 ( 1.9 actually, I think) in favor of boys. I am on my phone now, but can post the scientific explanation later if you are interested.

Interesting! I have a DE girl.

To the OP, I have a boy (generically mine) and a DE girl. My daughter is still a newborn, but I don't feel differently towards her than my son. I carried her for 9 months and went through a lot to have her. She is "mine."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also suggest DE. We thought about both, but DE was more something we could plan for and control some aspects of the process. Adoption is so much a matter of luck and chance. We did DE twice to get our two boys. They have different donors so are (very technically) half-siblings. It has never been a problem for us or them. I can't imagine having a more amazing set of kids.

Just FYI, you are much more likely to have a boy with donor eggs than to have a girl. The odds are 1 to 2 ( 1.9 actually, I think) in favor of boys. I am on my phone now, but can post the scientific explanation later if you are interested.

Interesting! I have a DE girl.

To the OP, I have a boy (generically mine) and a DE girl. My daughter is still a newborn, but I don't feel differently towards her than my son. I carried her for 9 months and went through a lot to have her. She is "mine."

Sorry, lol... Genetically mine!

[Anonymous]

It is now thought that some of the moms genetics is passed thru while pregnant. Something to think about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm an adoptee myself, plus a mom to adopted and bio kids. My situation is a little different in that we had MFI, so it would've been donor sperm, not egg, that we were looking at.

We chose to adopt for several reasons (none may be relevant for you, but I'll just throw them out there anyway): 1. Being adopted myself, I didn't feel the need to have a genetic connection with my child. 2. I did not want to put my body through IVF only to have it fail, and to possibly have to do it numerous times in order to get our money back. 3. We chose international adoption from the same country I was adopted from and the adoption process was established and pretty much certain to come away as a family at the end.

I will say for us, the process was easy, quick, and the same price as a shared risk IVF program (and also much less intrusive). I understand completely that it's not like that for many prospective adoptive families, nor is IVF a walk in the park for everyone either.

Shortly after we adopted, I very unexpectedly got pregnant. My children look a lot alike to the point where they're asked several times a week if they're twins. My daughter and I look alike as well. Again, I realize this is not universal for all adoptive families. I will say that my love for my children is the same.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

Adoption can take some time so if you want your kids to be close in age I'd go for donor eggs.

[Anonymous]

We chose adoption because once we realized that our child would not be a combination of the two of us together, the importance of a biological link went out the window for us. So we felt no draw towards donor egg. I know this will not apply to everyone else, but I also felt like it would be a bit silly to go to such extremes to "create" a child when all signs were pointing towards: "You cannot have a biological child" and "There are so many other children out there in the world who need parents." We had a straight-forward adoption process with China both times. We were drawn to China b/c you can specify the gender (and I wanted girls) (surprisingly, it is a longer wait actually for girls b/c a lot of adoptive parents want girls, so if you specify "boy" or "open to either," your wait will be quicker.) We researched and carefully selected the special needs we were open to. Our girls have been such a blessing to us. I cannot imagine loving them anymore if they were biologically related to us. As one other poster said, the fact that they look different is a good reminder to us that each child, whether they are biological or adopted, will be their own person and they are not extensions of ourselves. You do not have to be a "saint" or a martyr to be an adoptive parent. You are just a normal person who feels drawn to this and you love the child you are given. I think there is a natural, biological tendency for all humans to grow in love for any dependent creature given to them for care, honestly! I cannot explain it but our love grows more and more each and every day! PS Even for my husband, who initially WAs in the "I can't love someone else's child" camp! He now shakes his head and is like, "I have no idea what I was thinking." HAHA.

[Anonymous]

We went for donor egg. We were older (I 43 and DH 48). We did not like the intrusiveness, the length of time and the uncertainty of the adoption process. We really wanted a newborn and new at our ages, that could be difficult. We already had a daughter using my eggs but wanted a second child. Within a year of deciding to go the DE route, I had given birth to our DE child. If we had been younger, we probably would have pursued adoption because we think there is a such an important need to filled.

[Anonymous]

The likelihood of getting a boy from DE is fascinating. Oddly, I was thinking of my future child as a girl through my own egg cycles but during this DE cycle, I have been thinking of the child as a boy. I know that means nothing, but it might be accurate! Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

OP, I feel similarly. I am faced with secondary infertility and I also feel weird about the prospect of having one child with my egg and one without. I had not thought about whether that difference lessens if the second kid if a different sex than the first. I think I am a person who tends to feel guilty and am overly-sensitive, and I would feel bad about possible inequalities (would my genes be better or worse than a donors?) What is my kid suffers with obesity and the donor kid doesn't? What if the donor kid gets childhood diabetes and mine doesn't? I think I would always unreasonably blame myself for having given my two kids different baselines, which I know is out of my control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

OP, I feel similarly. I am faced with secondary infertility and I also feel weird about the prospect of having one child with my egg and one without. I had not thought about whether that difference lessens if the second kid if a different sex than the first. I think I am a person who tends to feel guilty and am overly-sensitive, and I would feel bad about possible inequalities (would my genes be better or worse than a donors?) What is my kid suffers with obesity and the donor kid doesn't? What if the donor kid gets childhood diabetes and mine doesn't? I think I would always unreasonably blame myself for having given my two kids different baselines, which I know is out of my control.

NP here. I feel this way, too. I am still trying with my OE, but I'm on my 5th fresh cycle trying for #2, so I may be facing this...