Donor eggs. vs. adoption

[Anonymous]

I have my read through all the posts, but I have one OE child from IVF. Working on number 2 with DE. I just thought donor egg would be mentally easier. I have heard so many adoptions fall through. I am sure I will love both kids equally.

My OE child has special needs. I love her more than anything. We knew early on their were problems.

You could adopt or use donor eggs and have healthy infants and then discover special needs.

[Anonymous]

There really isn't any risk from the fertility drugs you use in DE. Since they are suppressing your cycle not stimulating you to produce eggs, you don't take the heavy duty fertility drugs. The donor takes them instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There really isn't any risk from the fertility drugs you use in DE. Since they are suppressing your cycle not stimulating you to produce eggs, you don't take the heavy duty fertility drugs. The donor takes them instead.

OP here. Yes, that is true but there is risk from the estrogen and progesterone of blood clots. Also, IVF and DE pregnancies have more complications than natural pregnancies. My OB who is a high risk OB told me that statistically, natural pregnancies have fewer complications and also fewer birth defects than IVF/DE pregnancies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

You can do gender selection.

OP here. The clinic I have chosen for DE does not do gender selection.

Well, then you either don't do gender selection, or you switch clinics. I get the feeling the gender is your main issue with donor eggs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There really isn't any risk from the fertility drugs you use in DE. Since they are suppressing your cycle not stimulating you to produce eggs, you don't take the heavy duty fertility drugs. The donor takes them instead.

OP here. Yes, that is true but there is risk from the estrogen and progesterone of blood clots. Also, IVF and DE pregnancies have more complications than natural pregnancies. My OB who is a high risk OB told me that statistically, natural pregnancies have fewer complications and also fewer birth defects than IVF/DE pregnancies.

I going to change my advice and say that you sound like a better candidate for adoption than DE. The increased risks in pregnancy and for birth defects are very minuscule statistically. There are a few birth defects that are higher with IVF, but, again, the increase is very small and the overall risk is tiny. If these kinds of numbers are deterring you, you probably have reservations about IVF and DE that you are not fully aware of.

Adoption has its own challenges, but it sounds like the risks with adoption might be ones that you are more comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

You could also do donor egg with a surrogate...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.

You can do gender selection.

OP here. The clinic I have chosen for DE does not do gender selection.

Well, then you either don't do gender selection, or you switch clinics. I get the feeling the gender is your main issue with donor eggs.

OP here. I'm not going to do gender selection at all because I don't want to do PGS testing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could also do donor egg with a surrogate...?

OP here. I have a biological child so I know I can carry a pregnancy with no problem. My pregnancy had no issues/complications other than prolonged morning sickness, which I don't really see as a complication. I don't see why I would need a surrogate. That is just adding in way more complication and isn't necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that in terms of pregnancy, I have no interest in going through pregnancy again just to go through pregnancy. I felt awful every day of my pregnancy due to morning sickness that lasted the entire pregnancy, but other than that I had an uneventful pregnancy and delivery.

PP here, I was just responding to this. As an alternative to adoption (if you don't want to go through another pregnancy) you could consider surrogacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was told I have a very low chance of ever getting pregnant with my own eggs due to decreased ovarian reserve.

I am dealing with secondary infertility and have a biological child already (who I got pregnant with easily). However, my fertility has declined precipitiously since having my daughter and now I have few normal eggs left/very few eggs left with a less than 5% chance of ever getting pregnant with my own eggs (have been trying for a year and a half already). Since we've been TTC for over a year already and I'm 40 I have decided we need to move on.

So my options are donor eggs vs. adoption. We can afford to do one or the other.

How would/did you decide on one of these paths? Thanks!

Have you done IVF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a very tough call. I would do donor eggs if my last ditch attempt with OE doesn't work. For me (and I am being very candid here since this is an anonymous board), there are 3 factors that make adoption a no go: 1) cost 2) logistics and 3) I am not interested in raising someone else's child after going though 1) and 2).

For DE I would go outside of the US in part to minimize the costs and I would feel better knowing that the child is my husband's, since he is the reason I want to have children to begin with. I would also feel better being able to learn about the donor (education, hobbies, photos).

I admire people who adopt, but I know I am not cut out for that. I realize all this may make me sound like a bit of an ass, but this is honestly how I feel.

But do you think it's weird that it's his not yours? Like they'll have a bond you don't share? At least with adoption it's an equal footing (neither of yours)?

[Anonymous]

Are you with SG? They have a DE shared risk program. we did it and it gave us peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After a lot of thought, I've come up with a pro/con list that I'd like to have some feedback on. Here's the list, pros and cons for us of donor egg vs. adoption.

Donor egg pros

1) I would know the medical history/background of the child since the father would be my husband and I would get some medical info/background on the egg donor, so that is comforting.
2) Husband would be the biological father and he has great genes
3) The ability to choose the donor makes me feel like I have some control over the process
4) Short wait time--can start ASAP
5) High success rates of pregnancy relative to IUI or IVF
6) Egg would be from young donor so more likely to be healthy eggs and husband's sperm is excellent so probably would be a healthy baby
7) Could possibly find a donor from our ethnic background

Donor egg cons

1) Requires taking fertility drugs for me, which makes me very uneasy
2) Requires going through pregnancy (my first and only pregnancy wasn't great in the sense that I had significant morning sickness the entire time and wasn't able to gain much weight during the pregnancy due to constant nausea). Other than that no complications, but I did not enjoy pregnancy at all and felt horrible every single day of the pregnancy. Now that I have a toddler it would be hard to go through that again and take care of my toddler (I'm a SAHM).
3) Very expensive, and if I don't get pregnant that money is just gone.
4) Since I have one biological child already, I worry that the DE child will feel that I'm not his/her real mother or would feel that our daughter isn't his/her real sister. I worry about the DE feeling "different." Also would worry about this more if DE child is same gender as own egg child.
5) I feel like the donor egg concept is a challenging thing for a child to understand--seems very complicated to explain versus adoption, which seems much easier to understand.

Adoption pros
1) Easier to explain to the child than DE, and I feel like adoption is more common/more out in the open so the adopted child could meet other kids (classmates, etc.) who were also adopted. For instance, I have a few mom friends who have adopted children, but I think donor egg is less commonly shared.
2) Wouldn't have any risk to my health from fertility drugs (I have an extensive family history of reproductive cancers, including ovarian, which makes me worried about taking fertility drugs).
3) Wouldn't have to go through pregnancy (a plus in my mind)
4) Could specify a preference for gender


Adoption cons

1) Takes a long time, could be years, before we are matched
2) Very expensive, with no guarantee of a successful adoption
3) The adoption process seems really complicated.
3) May have to deal with the birth mother's use of drugs/alcohol during pregnancy
4) Wouldn't have much or possibly any family history
5) More likely to get matched with a child who has special needs, which would be difficult for us to deal with both financially and due to lack of support network
6) I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the concept of an open adoption.
7) I worry that the child would feel "different" in our family because of the fact that we have a biological daughter already, and the fact that our daughter looks exactly like me.

OP, have you gone to any adoption agency info sessions, by any chance? That could perhaps give you an opty. to take a closer look at the adoption possibility and may crystallize for you, either: "I am thinking we could possibly do this," OR, the opposite, "I am feeling more and more like this is not for me at all!" Anyway, all agencies have free, no obligation at all (no one will call you or hound you, etc. -- think about it: they do not WANT a child to go to someone who is not really into this process! That would help NOBODY!) info sessions. The agency I am most familiar with is The Barker Adoption Foundation and they have these sessions monthly but there are certainly MANY others as well. Just look it up or ask around. In the info sessions, they address --and answer questions about -- issues such as money, wait times, open adoption vs not, foreign vs intl, special needs vs not, Etc. Just a thought that this could help tease out your true proclivities on DE versus adoption, if you yourself can't quite nail them down yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very tough call. I would do donor eggs if my last ditch attempt with OE doesn't work. For me (and I am being very candid here since this is an anonymous board), there are 3 factors that make adoption a no go: 1) cost 2) logistics and 3) I am not interested in raising someone else's child after going though 1) and 2).

For DE I would go outside of the US in part to minimize the costs and I would feel better knowing that the child is my husband's, since he is the reason I want to have children to begin with. I would also feel better being able to learn about the donor (education, hobbies, photos).

I admire people who adopt, but I know I am not cut out for that. I realize all this may make me sound like a bit of an ass, but this is honestly how I feel.

But do you think it's weird that it's his not yours? Like they'll have a bond you don't share? At least with adoption it's an equal footing (neither of yours)?

Not the op, but yes, this aspect feels weird to me personally.

[Anonymous]

Is OP the same person posting all the questions about how painful and risky an HSG is? And the same person who, months ago, did a series of posts about lacking a social network?