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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm a mom with two daughters - one OE and one DE.  I agree with the poster who said it seems that you are not in a place to do either DE or adoption.  I'll give you my perspective on DE.

My DE daughter - DD2 - is still quite young, so she hasn't hit the age at which it would even occur to her to wonder if I'm her "real mother".  We're very close, so I hope that thought would never enter her mind.  DD1 looks very much like me and DD2 doesn't at all - she sort of looks like DH, but really she's a combo of DH and our donor, who doesn't look a thing like me.  DD1 knows about the fact that we used DE to have DD2, and it's just not an issue at all.  The girls adore each other, and DH and I are close to our two girls.  No one has used the donor issue to try to drive a wedge between any of us.

We have not told any of our extended family about using DE.  None of the grandparents knows, nor aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.  We occasionally get comments from our family wondering who DD2 looks like.  It bothers me when it happens, I'll be honest, since I don't want DD2 to feel different.  No one has harped on it, and we don't get these comments often, so it hasn't been too much of an issue.  We answer nonchalantly "she looks like herself" and then we move on to "how did Larla's soccer game go?"

I started the DE process not 100% sure I wanted to do DE, but I knew I would love any child who came to us.  I was glad to get to carry another baby and to have child who shared genetics with DD1 and DH.  I'm so thrilled we did DE and that I didn't waste another minute.  YMMV though, and it sounds as though if you're really thinking about adoption or DE that you should sort your feelings out with a therapist who specializes in these issues.

On OBs and medical literature:  I don't think doctors are always great about reading and understanding the literature.  I also think that OBs aren't great about understanding RE research and vice versa.  There is a small amount of evidence that moms through DE can be more prone to PIH due to an immune response.  As for unhealthy babies?  I'd need to see the citation on that.  There are DE kids with issues, but I wonder how much of that is beyond what would normally be expected.  I also wonder how much of that is due to the fact that a lot of people transfer more than one embryo and end up with twins.[/quote]

OP here.  Thank you for sharing your story.  I can really relate to a lot of what you said.  I am interested to find out why you decided not to tell the grandparents.  If we do DE, we will tell my parents (because they would realize that the DE child doesn't look like me/them), but not my husband's parents, since the DE child would be genetically related to them.  My daughter looks exactly like me and my parents, so I feel like I would want to tell my parents, but no other family.

Also, can I ask what your infertility diagnosis was that led you to DE?  For me, it's unexplained infertility, but I've already spent over a year trying with my own eggs and feel like it's time to move on to something else that has a better chance of success.  How old were you when you decided to start the DE process?

How did your pregnancy go?  I'm worried about a DE pregnancy and pre-eclampsia.  I had no complications with my first pregnancy (other than severe morning sickness) but really worry about pre-eclampsia.[/quote]

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