Processing Tough News

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His wife didn't cut off your relationship.... He did. Leave them alone. Move on.

This is what I was thinking too.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to say I think this news is causing you to relive the trauma you went through with your injury and his reaction to it. Almost like PTSD. I've been through a life-changing health event too and the people who are supposed to love and support us sometimes don't, especially in hard times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!).

Thanks for standing up for me. I agree with you but I don't even know That I said or insisted that I need to do even a small gesture. Our group of friends does seem to assume I'll participate, but I can set boundaries. I guess this situation feels odd because it's the type of weird coincidence where I would help out someone in this situation if it was a complete stranger, but somehow we got to a place where we are worse off than complete strangers. It makes me very sad that I could have that existence with any other person on the planet.*

*Although some of the meanness and stupidity on these boards is challenging the positive view of people I try to maintain.

PP here. I think I get it. It sounds like it is a combination of still being in the same friend group as an ex where the wife doesn't want him to keep being friends with the you combined with the medical issue itself bringing back his unwillingness/immaturity to make changes for you. I think you are absolutely correct to set boundaries with the group of friends so you are NOT spearheading any efforts and you are absolutely correct that you could more so help out a stranger than someone you used to know. But the thing about help is each person may need something different. There are people that need space when they are going thru something and constantly pressuring/being in their space is not helping and not what they need. There may be someone else that feels abandoned if you aren't checking in etc. In this case you actually may be helping by not getting really involved unless they come to you because you know the friendship with you is a sore point with the wife. I agree that coping with the loss of friendship is tough especially if you still hear about that person via mutual friends. I haven't had to deal with that so I don't have specific advice there.

One thing about venting on DCUM, it can sometimes help sort out your feelings. I'll never forget when I was venting about a situation about a family member 9 out of 10 people thought I was crazy being bothered but the 10th person suggested maybe I was hurt and dissapointed because I had expectations in that relationship and I'm so thankful for that insight. Once I realized it was having expectations that were not going to ever happen, I mourned what could have been, moved on to be thankful of the more positive family relationships and not dwell on that one.

[Anonymous]

I get what you are saying OP. I think you should reach out to him and offer support if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!).

Thanks for standing up for me. I agree with you but I don't even know That I said or insisted that I need to do even a small gesture. Our group of friends does seem to assume I'll participate, but I can set boundaries. I guess this situation feels odd because it's the type of weird coincidence where I would help out someone in this situation if it was a complete stranger, but somehow we got to a place where we are worse off than complete strangers. It makes me very sad that I could have that existence with any other person on the planet.*

*Although some of the meanness and stupidity on these boards is challenging the positive view of people I try to maintain.

NP who doesn't understand why everyone is jumping all over you OP. Don't let them get in your head.

[Anonymous]

OP - ignore the mean DCUM harpies. Many of them sound insecure in their marriages/relationships.

I get where you're coming from, but I too think that this isn't the right time to reach out. Presumably he can reach out to you if/when he wants to, in the meantime maybe you can take your own experience and look for a way to grow from it. Maybe you can lead fundraising or public awareness efforts for the cause, journal your experiences, make an anonymous donation to their gofundme or whatever, or find someone on the interwebs who does have a child with that condition and is looking for help and support, and reach out to them.

Best of luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!).

Thanks for standing up for me. I agree with you but I don't even know That I said or insisted that I need to do even a small gesture. Our group of friends does seem to assume I'll participate, but I can set boundaries. I guess this situation feels odd because it's the type of weird coincidence where I would help out someone in this situation if it was a complete stranger, but somehow we got to a place where we are worse off than complete strangers. It makes me very sad that I could have that existence with any other person on the planet.*

*Although some of the meanness and stupidity on these boards is challenging the positive view of people I try to maintain.

NP who doesn't understand why everyone is jumping all over you OP. Don't let them get in your head.

Because we sense a faux level of concern for a preemie when really it is all about the OP. She should leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it was horrible and crazy for his wife to cut off your friendship (who *does* that in 2016?!), she's likely in a really tough place right now and it would be the decent thing to stay away.

Smart women who can see crazy ex-girlfriends like this one who needs to mind her own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

While it was horrible and crazy for his wife to cut off your friendship (who *does* that in 2016?!), she's likely in a really tough place right now and it would be the decent thing to stay away.

I don't at all think it was "horrible and crazy" for his wife to cut off a friendship. You don't have kids with him. You weren't even married to him. Let's be serious, there are very few truly platonic friendships between a man and a woman these days and "friendship" is often how affairs begin. And it certainly seems like you're still carrying a torch for this guy, so the wife's instincts appear spot-on. It is disrespectful to the current spouse to be carrying on an intimate friendship with an ex. So please, let go of him and realize he has moved on with his life. You need to, too.

Lol! Yes--it is very intimate to want to be able to peaceable sit across and 10 people father down at a table of a gathering of shared friends from him so our friends can have everyone in attendance to celebrate important birthdays and whatnot. Very high risk we would get it on at the table.

OP, I happen to agree with you. It was a shitty thing to cut you off completely given how much common friends and history you share. But it's irrelevant at this stage. What's relevant is your attention to the people who clearly don't deserve it. I say tell your friends directly that you have little desire to help people who didn't think of you enough to have as a casual acquaintance. Nobody in their right mind will judge you for that.

[Anonymous]

If i were the wife's best friend or sister I'd be barricading the door to protect her from your intrusion.

They have other friends. They don't need you. They closed the door on you once and now they're vulnerable. There are two possibilities here: you're a self-centered vulture or you're too clueless to understand that your presence would do more harm than good.

If you need to see yourself as the latter to feel better, great. But there is no reason on god 's green earth for you not to respect this woman's boundary when she is at her most stressed out. If you think disrespecting her boundaries will somehow help him you are wrong. He doesn't need to worry about his wife's feelings about one more thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If i were the wife's best friend or sister I'd be barricading the door to protect her from your intrusion.

Then you're a paranoid psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be very wrong here, OP, but I keep getting this sense that this situation for you is more about you and not about this couple and their baby. I also sense that you are a good person but I do not believe your motives here are genuine.

+1.

Your Olympic-sized paragraph is almost entirely about you and your relationship, then you mention this child as a vehicle for discussing you and your feelings.

Do not reach out to them. A woman caring for her premie doesn't want to hear from her husband's ex. From the looks of what you read, you don't want to support her or this child in their time of need. You want to revisit something with your ex. Frankly that's gross.

+2

Sorry, OP. Just leave them alone.

Also, it's not reasonable to worry that he might abondon his child. As others have mentioned, this is about you and your feelings of abandonment. Do not butt in and try to be "helpful."

[Shineshelly]

Hi there, I think it's lovely that you have so much empathy for your friend. When we go through difficulties with others, it seems like it binds us to one another in a special kind of way. I would encourage you to refrain from reaching out if it has caused tension and poses a risk to your friend and his wife's marriage and/or to yours. Not too sound preachy, but if I were you, I would just pray for him and his family and let that be enough. It is too hard to say what your presence during an already very difficult time might do to further exacerbate their situation. Consider outside counsel if you are feeling the need to examine the toll your illness took on you. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If i were the wife's best friend or sister I'd be barricading the door to protect her from your intrusion.

Then you're a paranoid psycho.

+ a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If i were the wife's best friend or sister I'd be barricading the door to protect her from your intrusion.

Then you're a paranoid psycho.

+ a million

Anyone who cares about the wife should be running interference between OP and her household. The husband's ex has no business coming around when the woman is going through what she is. This couple kicked OP out of their lives. If the husband -- OP's ex -- had wanted to hang onto the friendship or needed OP then he would not have let her go. These people have enough problems and OP would be one more.

OP, seek help. You seem to lack any sense of boundaries. He doesn't want you. She doesn't want you. The fact that he's not leaving his baby by the side of the road doesn't mean you and he need to revisit how he dealt with your illness.

Leave them alone. If they couldn't live without the one extra casserole or one extra card you bring to the table they wouldn't have decided to cut you out.