Processing Tough News

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think he may abandon his child because he didn't want to be tied down by your medical issues in his 20s?

Wow.

OP here. I don't think this at all and I don't know why people keep assuming this. I clearly identified this as a feeling. I am very carefully to distinguish between thoughts and feelings and would appreciate when others do the same. I am sane and do not plan on interfering with their life. What I am trying to deal with is processing this news. I realize it's such an odd situation it's unlikely anyone else has encountered it but I thought it was worth a try.

Because you wrote this...
wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc.

...and people took you at your word.

That is so out of context it is severely distorted. Hardly taking me at my word. After expressing that I don't think he would leave his family, I wrote what you quoted after writing that I can't help but have weird feelings that...[what you quoted].

I recognize these feelings aren't rationale, which is why I myself identified it as weird. Above all, it's none of my business what happens and I know that. Doesn't mean that finding out hasn't been tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be very wrong here, OP, but I keep getting this sense that this situation for you is more about you and not about this couple and their baby. I also sense that you are a good person but I do not believe your motives here are genuine.

+1. MYOB and definitely do NOT get involved in any way.

[Anonymous]

Lots of ice queens here today. I get that you don't have feel sympathy for the OP but do people really not maintain relationships with or even care at all about people who've been important in your life? I agree that OP needs to stay away but this idea that the no one from your past matters ever strikes me as so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really getting what their is for you to process, OP. None of this concerns you.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - I understand what you're saying. I have "feelings" that don't align with my logical thoughts, everyone here does. For example when I was having fertility issues and I found out my ex bf who I dumped years ago and was never right for me, had accidentally gotten pregnant with a new gf, I was devastated. I cried and was angry for like a week.

I logically knew that he wasn't right for me etc, but for some reason I was just totally sad and devastated even though it and he had nothing to do with me.

It is very healthy that you recognize you don't play a role in this and shouldn't try to make one for yourself. For processing, just embrace it - vent to a sympathetic friend that won't judge you for your feels, drink too much, wallow for a week, and then pick yourself back up. I understand why you're having the feelings your having, it doesn't sound like you're losing sight that you shouldn't act on them, sometimes you just have to accept them, embrace them, and come out the other side. You'll be ok and this will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Also to all the PPs saying things like "wow, how could you think you and kid are same". As OP has pointed out, she doesn't think that - she has a feelings around that.

You all have really never felt sad, hurt, like the world was unfair etc over something that has happened to you in comparison to something happening to someone else and been able to recognize that logically it doesn't make sense but you're still a little hurt?! Really?? Never pondered why an immature ex wasn't able to be there in a time of need when you really needed them and they're now able to be different for someone else?? Wondered why your parents did x for you and y for a sibling even though logically it makes sense? We all feel we get the short end of the stick sometime, get off your high horse - OP is having an illogical feeling, she recognizes that, and she's trying to deal with it appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of ice queens here today. I get that you don't have feel sympathy for the OP but do people really not maintain relationships with or even care at all about people who've been important in your life? I agree that OP needs to stay away but this idea that the no one from your past matters ever strikes me as so sad.

Who said that no one from your past matters? Some people matter. Some clearly don't. OP's ex doesn't. He doesn't deserve her head space.

[Anonymous]

If I were his wife and you reached out to my DH after this type of event I'd be upset. I think you should stay away and mind your business. Let them deal with their child and move on with their life. You need to learn to let go of the past.

[Anonymous]

What is the health condition?
You weren't born with it but the baby was? Strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the health condition?
You weren't born with it but the baby was? Strange.

Sometimes the same issues can have different causes. I'm the OP and not giving out any more personal medical info on this board so you'll have to satisfy your curiosity elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with issues in a potential romantic partner and dealing with issues that your own child might have are vastly different things. He had the option of walking away from you but I doubt that he feels that he has that option with his child (not that he would want that option!).

I think you are feeling empathetic towards this guy and you think that you know him. But you don't know him as a father and a husband. I'll bet that he and his wife will love that child beyond words and that, together, they will manage whatever the future might hold for their child.

You sound like a sweet person, Op. But I don't think it's your place to comment on their private situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

While it was horrible and crazy for his wife to cut off your friendship (who *does* that in 2016?!), she's likely in a really tough place right now and it would be the decent thing to stay away.

[Anonymous]

OP if your friends are doing fundraising I think you could make a monetary contribution and that would be appropriate. Without commentary if possible.

I would not deliver a meal to them no but a silent monetary contribution would be find IMO.

They will likely not even know who donated to help them until months from now when they have their heads back above water.

[Anonymous]

Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband think, OP?