Processing Tough News

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with issues in a potential romantic partner and dealing with issues that your own child might have are vastly different things. He had the option of walking away from you but I doubt that he feels that he has that option with his child (not that he would want that option!).

I think you are feeling empathetic towards this guy and you think that you know him. But you don't know him as a father and a husband. I'll bet that he and his wife will love that child beyond words and that, together, they will manage whatever the future might hold for their child.

You sound like a sweet person, Op. But I don't think it's your place to comment on their private situation.

OP here.You're absolutely right about me thinking I know him but I really don't anymore. At least part of why this is hard is that I remember how painful my injury-- something that I am sure was easier and less relevant to him (because as people have pointed out, the parent child relationship is way more important, and I get that) was to him so it just seems like this must be so unbelievably hard. But I need to give him credit for the growing up he's almost certainly done in the 6 years since we spoke and give his wife credit for her being there and they are a family now so he isn't in the same situation and is barely the same person anymore. I guess there is some hurt in acknowledging that because the whole getting cut off thing stung (not because of romantic regrets but who likes to lose an old friend? You dont make new "lifelong" friends after a certain age).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think, OP?

Think about what? He heard about it when I did from a mutual friend and commented that it was sad. I don't plan to do anything, despite whatever's being assumed on this board, so there's nothing for him to really weigh in on. He knows I was hurt by getting cut off (him and I were married by that time) and he is emotionally supportive but there's not much to say when it's just how it is. I've never made any attempt to do anything about it and haven't thought about it much until I heard this news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!).

Thanks for standing up for me. I agree with you but I don't even know That I said or insisted that I need to do even a small gesture. Our group of friends does seem to assume I'll participate, but I can set boundaries. I guess this situation feels odd because it's the type of weird coincidence where I would help out someone in this situation if it was a complete stranger, but somehow we got to a place where we are worse off than complete strangers. It makes me very sad that I could have that existence with any other person on the planet.*

*Although some of the meanness and stupidity on these boards is challenging the positive view of people I try to maintain.

[Anonymous]

Don't. The last thing he -- or his wife -- need is your unwanted support Or, even worse, if the PP's who think you'll make it all about you are right, you'll just be a burden on them. Now if you're still angry about getting dumped after all these years, see a therapist for YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!).

If it's donating $$$ to something where a wife would have to pore over records to see that it's OP donating, then yeah, donate $50 or whatever.

If it's a meal delivery, that involves contact doesn't it?

Also consider your husband's feelings, do you want to be making him watch the kids while you're off doing Great Things for your ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't. The last thing he -- or his wife -- need is your unwanted support Or, even worse, if the PP's who think you'll make it all about you are right, you'll just be a burden on them. Now if you're still angry about getting dumped after all these years, see a therapist for YOU.

Don't think I said who dumped who but if I did, you l missed it!

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone. You're not a part of his life anymore. The End.

[Anonymous]

Disengage OP - the more you protest, the more obsessive you sound about this guy. You don't "have to give him credit" for anything; he's not part of your life, you're not part of his. It stinks that he's dealing with a difficult situation with his new baby, but you really need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!).

Thanks for standing up for me. I agree with you but I don't even know That I said or insisted that I need to do even a small gesture. Our group of friends does seem to assume I'll participate, but I can set boundaries. I guess this situation feels odd because it's the type of weird coincidence where I would help out someone in this situation if it was a complete stranger, but somehow we got to a place where we are worse off than complete strangers. It makes me very sad that I could have that existence with any other person on the planet.*

*Although some of the meanness and stupidity on these boards is challenging the positive view of people I try to maintain.

I think going the anonymous route works best for everyone. That's what I'd do. You're a nice person, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

While it was horrible and crazy for his wife to cut off your friendship (who *does* that in 2016?!), she's likely in a really tough place right now and it would be the decent thing to stay away.

I don't at all think it was "horrible and crazy" for his wife to cut off a friendship. You don't have kids with him. You weren't even married to him. Let's be serious, there are very few truly platonic friendships between a man and a woman these days and "friendship" is often how affairs begin. And it certainly seems like you're still carrying a torch for this guy, so the wife's instincts appear spot-on. It is disrespectful to the current spouse to be carrying on an intimate friendship with an ex. So please, let go of him and realize he has moved on with his life. You need to, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

While it was horrible and crazy for his wife to cut off your friendship (who *does* that in 2016?!), she's likely in a really tough place right now and it would be the decent thing to stay away.

I don't at all think it was "horrible and crazy" for his wife to cut off a friendship. You don't have kids with him. You weren't even married to him. Let's be serious, there are very few truly platonic friendships between a man and a woman these days and "friendship" is often how affairs begin. And it certainly seems like you're still carrying a torch for this guy, so the wife's instincts appear spot-on. It is disrespectful to the current spouse to be carrying on an intimate friendship with an ex. So please, let go of him and realize he has moved on with his life. You need to, too.

Lol! Yes--it is very intimate to want to be able to peaceable sit across and 10 people father down at a table of a gathering of shared friends from him so our friends can have everyone in attendance to celebrate important birthdays and whatnot. Very high risk we would get it on at the table.

[Anonymous]

OMG. OP, you just don't get it. Trust the collective here and leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

If you do anything, make a monetary donation on their fundraising page with no commentary, etc. Ideally, do it anonymously. But I'd probably just stay away. The wife doesn't want ex's in the picture for whatever reason so who knows, she might even be upset that people are sharing this information with you.

It is weird when someone who used to be important to you has something big happen in their life and you're not a part of it anymore but that's life. My ex's mother died very unexpectedly and I was devastated by that news particularly as I had recently lost a parent as well and felt I really could empathize with what he was going through more than a lot of our peers. But it's just not my place to be his support system and it was more appropriate for me to leave it alone and allow the people who are part of his life now to lift him up.

[Anonymous]

His wife didn't cut off your relationship.... He did. Leave them alone. Move on.