Processing Tough News

[Anonymous]

When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

[Anonymous]

NOT your concern.

[Anonymous]

Yes, myob. As a parent of a former preemie it is the last thing these parents need right now. You sound like you need to analyze and deal with your own feelings and issues with a professional. Please do not bring all that to this couple especially now.

[Anonymous]

I think you should process your feelings further before deciding whether or not to reach out. He knows what you went through and he could reach out to you if he needed support.

You sound like a reasonable person. This would be a good situation to talk through with a therapist. It doesn't have to be a long term therapy. I bet 10 sessions or fewer would be really helpful in this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wouldn't bring up my issues with them, of course. What I meant by support (without giving out too much information) is that they are fundraising and many of our mutual friends are soliciting meals, donations, etc from people we all know, including myself. I wouldn't go near them in the state I am in but I wouldnt mind supporting my friends' fundraising efforts, but I don't know if my name will even make this worse. I have to believe that they are so consumed with what's going on in their lives right now that they don't give a $&@? About me, as it should be.

[Anonymous]

The fact that this is so triggering to you suggests to me that you've got some underlying feelings that were never resolved. I would honestly take your reaction to mean perhaps you should try some therapy to work through what's buried in there for you.

And yes, stay away from him and his family right now.

[Anonymous]

I could be very wrong here, OP, but I keep getting this sense that this situation for you is more about you and not about this couple and their baby. I also sense that you are a good person but I do not believe your motives here are genuine.

[Anonymous]

Yup. Stay away and if he wants to reach out he will. I don't know why you think he would abandon his child. First, that is a parent/child relationship versus romantic - it's a different relationship. I can accept for example, ADHD with my child and know that could be a lifelong commitment but could easily see how I could not marry a spouse with ADHD, especially since most likely my child inherited it from me. Second, he is hopefully sharing any burdens with his wife versus it being the sole person if it was his romantic partner. Third, he has hopefully matured since then.

Are you married with kids yourself? If so, I would think your experiences with first love helped you grow and handle things better with DH and any alternate path in the game of "what if" would mean you aren't with this DH and have the kids you have. If you aren't married with kids I can understand the nostalgia but think you are reaching to rekindle the connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be very wrong here, OP, but I keep getting this sense that this situation for you is more about you and not about this couple and their baby. I also sense that you are a good person but I do not believe your motives here are genuine.

+1.

Your Olympic-sized paragraph is almost entirely about you and your relationship, then you mention this child as a vehicle for discussing you and your feelings.

Do not reach out to them. A woman caring for her premie doesn't want to hear from her husband's ex. From the looks of what you read, you don't want to support her or this child in their time of need. You want to revisit something with your ex. Frankly that's gross.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'm married and very happy with my life. More importantly, I was happy between this old relationship and when I got married. I focused on myself during a time I really needed it and had over a decade of wonderful single and coupled time. There is very genuinely no wish that I was with my ex. There might be a little bit of regret that we cannot have any friendship because I agree with PP that I am better and I am who I am now in part because of him. There's also the awkwardness of having so many mutual friends (our best friends and some that are even extended family of the other) but we are grown ups so I'll deal.

I definitely need help working through my feelings about that and as I admitted, it's complicated. I don't think I have any bad motives here but it seems like I should stay away no matter what so I guess it doesn't matter. I guess I just have to hope that they have plenty of support from people they have less complicated relationships with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be very wrong here, OP, but I keep getting this sense that this situation for you is more about you and not about this couple and their baby. I also sense that you are a good person but I do not believe your motives here are genuine.

+1.

Your Olympic-sized paragraph is almost entirely about you and your relationship, then you mention this child as a vehicle for discussing you and your feelings.

Do not reach out to them. A woman caring for her premie doesn't want to hear from her husband's ex. From the looks of what you read, you don't want to support her or this child in their time of need. You want to revisit something with your ex. Frankly that's gross.

I told you about myself because it's the Internet and how else would you know the situation? Very few people had the experiences I had by 25 yo so excuse me for being used to having to explain it a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

This part of OP's post is quite troubling. Who even thinks this way? Without even knowing this new dad I am certain that he will not abandon his child. The connection to one's own child is not in any way comparable to a college romance. Please leave these people be OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

This part of OP's post is quite troubling. Who even thinks this way? Without even knowing this new dad I am certain that he will not abandon his child. The connection to one's own child is not in any way comparable to a college romance. Please leave these people be OP.

In my twenties=/= college romance. Although if college took you a whole decade that explains why you're not understanding.

[Anonymous]

As the mother of a preemie, leave it alone. Deal with any issues that you have and leave these poor people alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my twenties, my first love and I broke up in part because of issues surrounding a severe injury I suffered and the possibility that it would lead to a permanent disability. It wasn't explicitly that he broke up with me because of it but he was torn between being young and having fun or being a caretaker and I dealt poorly with being massively insecure about it and took a lot of my anger out on him. In time we both healed and learned a lot. I think we were both fine with chaulking it up to life experience. We were friends for a while afterward, but have not had contact in almost 6 years, because his now-wife was uncomfortable with even the casual, sort of tense friendship we maintained (we have lots of mutual friends and even some that are family friends for both of us, so we were a big part of each other's lives and there was no risk of it becoming romantic again). While I was hurt when his wife cut off our relationship, I understand his family is way more important and I have my own family and life so I haven't thought him in a while. Tonight I just found out that his wife just gave birth to their child several months premature, and that child may have the same lifelong issue that was one of the potential issues I was facing. I don't know why this has hit me so hard but I have been crying all night and I don't even know why. I am so sad for their child and for my ex. I wish I could hug them all right now because it must be hard for them. I am sure he will stick by his family (right?) but I also am having a bunch of weird feelings wishing he could have been mature enough to step up when I needed him, and also fear that he will abandon this baby like he did me, etc. I am not normally a vey emotional person so I dont know why I am feeling this way. This is such a weird situation I don't know who to even talk to about it. So few people really understand what I went through during that time in my life and I'm so different now I don't think a lot of people would even believe it. I'm assuming I can't reach out to even offer support, although I do feel a little tug to. I just need to stay away and mind my own business, right?

This part of OP's post is quite troubling. Who even thinks this way? Without even knowing this new dad I am certain that he will not abandon his child. The connection to one's own child is not in any way comparable to a college romance. Please leave these people be OP.

In my twenties=/= college romance. Although if college took you a whole decade that explains why you're not understanding.

A first love relationship isn't in any way comparable to a child. At all. I can say with confidence that the parents will be in it for the long haul with their child. I do wonder what issue you were facing (but then didn't?) that their preemie is. RDS, brain bleed, PDA, ROP? Preemies kind of have their own set of issues that aren't very common in adults.