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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Please - leave them all alone. Husband included - no little checking in texts of Facebook posts/messages.
Just concentrate on your own life. Let them have theirs. You have no place in it.

Relationship? ! Consider counseling.[/quote]

Y'all are nuts. OP has said like five times she has no intention of contacting them or starting a relationship. She is debating whether its appropriate to sign up for a meal delivery or participate in fundraising!

It's not totally abnormal to have a weird rush of feelings when something happens to an old flame. It would be weird to turn into a stalker and show up in the NICU but OP isn't doing that! Jeez, she's just getting her feelings out and wondering if she can extend even a small gesture of solidarity (NOT through contact!). [/quote]

Thanks for standing up for me. I agree with you but I don't even know That I said or insisted that I need to do even a small gesture. [b]Our group of friends does seem to assume I'll participate, but I can set boundaries.[/b] I guess this situation feels odd because it's the type of weird coincidence where I would help out someone in this situation if it was a complete stranger, but somehow we got to a place where we are worse off than complete strangers. It makes me very sad that I could have that existence with any other person on the planet.*

*Although some of the meanness and stupidity on these boards is challenging the positive view of people I try to maintain.[/quote]

PP here.  I think I get it.  It sounds like it is a combination of still being in the same friend group as an ex where the wife doesn't want him to keep being friends with the you combined with the medical issue itself bringing back his unwillingness/immaturity to make changes for you.  I think you are absolutely correct to set boundaries with the group of friends so you are NOT spearheading any efforts and you are absolutely correct that you could more so help out a stranger than someone you used to know.  But the thing about help is each person may need something different.  There are people that need space when they are going thru something and constantly pressuring/being in their space is not helping and not what they need.  There may be someone else that feels abandoned if you aren't checking in etc.  In this case you actually may be helping by not getting really involved unless they come to you because you know the friendship with you is a sore point with the wife. I agree that coping with the loss of friendship is tough especially if you still hear about that person via mutual friends. I haven't had to deal with that so I don't have specific advice there.

One thing about venting on DCUM, it can sometimes help sort out your feelings.  I'll never forget when I was venting about a situation about a family member 9 out of 10 people thought I was crazy being bothered but the 10th person suggested maybe I was hurt and dissapointed because I had expectations in that relationship and I'm so thankful for that insight.  Once I realized it was having expectations that were not going to ever happen, I mourned what could have been, moved on to be thankful of the more positive family relationships and not dwell on that one. [/quote]

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