S/o SAHMs - why do so many men want one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people actually think SS will still be around? That's silly.

It should be! I'm paying into it with every paycheck!

What I don't understand though is how spouses can get it even if they never worked. Neither of my grandmas ever worked but they both receive it (and not survivor benefits, I mean they get their own).

Social Security, like the income tax system, was set up at a time when SAHM were the norm. I've been married to DH for more than 10 years so when he retires, he gets his full benefits plus I get 1/2 of his benefit. If he dies before me then, I then get his full benefit as a survivor benefit. If we divorce, because we've been married more than 10 years, I still get the benefits. This is the one area, where I'm not really at a disadvantage by SAH (furthermore, no one ever talks of cutting spousal or survivors benefits). In fact, the spousal Social Security benefits are tilted to benefit the wealthy because they are the only ones likely to have a long-time SAH spouse anymore.

The tax system too, really makes it hard for me to go back to work. We are in the highest tax bracket (income this year will be above $467k). So if I go back to work I get a fed tax of 39%, plus my payroll taxes, plus the highest level of MD taxes. We do the math, and a part-time job in particular, just doesn't seem worth it.

[Anonymous]

As a man, I find this to be a sad glimpse into the typical mommy wars.

The key to life is to block out what other's think you should do and do what works for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people really get the impression that lots of men want SAH wives? Or working wives? I think often it's a combination of circumstances and the wife's wishes.

Yes, there are people who say "My husband would NEVER want to be married to someone who doesn't work" or "My husband LOVES that I stay at home" but I always wonder what those people are boasting about, since life changes so much and the whole point of marriage is to stick together through thick and thin. Just because someone works doesn't mean they're ambitious, and just because someone stays at home doesn't mean they're doing your laundry and cooking...

Ideally, I want a spouse who is happy and satisfied and has a full and rich life, and I don't want to have to worry about finances. I want my kids to be cared for and to feel secure and loved.

WOH, SAH...those labels are not predictors of any of the above. And many people, when they get married, have no true idea of what life is going to be like with children, where they're going to be in their careers, and what is going to work for their family.

+1.

As a biglaw partner, I rarely hear my male partner's express a strong desire one way or the other (and most are married to SAHM, at least when kids are young). What they usually hope for is wife being happy. "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" are true words. I know there are some men out there that apparently have strong preferences. Most men aim to marry pretty, fun women who are a good intellectual match without any real attachment to their wife's job, let alone what they will theoretically do when a baby comes. And even if they had an idea of SAH/WOH, to paraphrase - the best laid battle plans never survive first contact with the enemy - the enemy being the first baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? I'm a WOHM, and I want one.

Anyone want to come join our marriage? Two physician couple, four adorable kids. We need someone to do all of the cooking, meal planning, laundry, cleaning, and money management, be active in the school community and with the teachers, decorate the house and celebrate holidays, purchase all Christmas presents, plan vacations and parties, sign the older kids up for activities and drive them there and back, each the little ones during the day and play age appropriate activities, do minor repairs, and hire out and manage all yardwork.

Two physician couple? There are a number of local household staffing agencies who would love to find you someone to do all this ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was mentioned in the thread below that plenty of men still want a SAHM wife even though times have changed ostensibly. People say the right PC things about feminism but don't seem to really mean it when it comes to their own family life.

Guys, what's up with that?

I've been a stay at home for 20 years, and I love it. I did a little daycare for awhile and had another home with rental income. I always protected myself financially and knew I would be fine that way. I would never want a career or work a job I couldn't stand. Each to their own, that's my view as long as you're happy. People that put down SAHM are usually unhappy themselves and jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man, I find this to be a sad glimpse into the typical mommy wars.

The key to life is to block out what other's think you should do and do what works for you and your family.

I agree with you 100% (and I'm a woman, BTW). What works for my family may not work for your family and vice versa. Who the hell cares? I don't understand the constant interest in whether parents WOH or SAH. Are people really that insecure about their life choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man, I find this to be a sad glimpse into the typical mommy wars.

The key to life is to block out what other's think you should do and do what works for you and your family.

I agree with you 100% (and I'm a woman, BTW). What works for my family may not work for your family and vice versa. Who the hell cares? I don't understand the constant interest in whether parents WOH or SAH. Are people really that insecure about their life choices?

Yes sadly some are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? I'm a WOHM, and I want one.

Anyone want to come join our marriage? Two physician couple, four adorable kids. We need someone to do all of the cooking, meal planning, laundry, cleaning, and money management, be active in the school community and with the teachers, decorate the house and celebrate holidays, purchase all Christmas presents, plan vacations and parties, sign the older kids up for activities and drive them there and back, each the little ones during the day and play age appropriate activities, do minor repairs, and hire out and manage all yardwork.

Two physician couple? There are a number of local household staffing agencies who would love to find you someone to do all this ...

But you have to pay that person. Many people are very resistant to paying someone to do "little" things, even when they add up to big things in the aggregate.

Unfortunately, there's also too much a tendency for the person who's very resistant to paying being a husband who says he would never want a wife who was a SAHM but also expects his working wife to do all of these things. I'm not saying that's the case for pp's marriage, but read DCUM for a few days (or look anywhere else in the real world) and you'll see a strong trend.

[Anonymous]

My DH valued having a SAHM for our kids. Thankfully, we talked about it before we got married and were in agreement.

He has never had to worry about getting a call about a sick kid. Last minute travel is never a problem. He doesn't have to juggle his schedule to fit in doctors or dental appointments. Snow days are not stressful here- they are cause for celebration! Our house is always clean. Dinner is almost always homemade and ready when he walks in. I had everything done and the kids bathed and in pajamas so that we could eat dinner as family and relax in the evenings. We've never had to scramble to make last minute child care decisions. I've never sent a child to daycare or school sick. Family vacations are easy because we only need to work around his schedule.

All those things make life easier for all of us - my DH, me, and our kids. But above everything else, we were willing to do absolutely anything to avoid daycare or a nanny. We both felt very strongly about this and would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to a lower COL area before resorting to daycare.

We all have different values. Leaving our children in the care of someone other than a parent for 40+ hours a week in those first few years was not something either of us was comfortable with. No amount of extra income would have been worth it.

I went back to work when our kids were older. I am so glad I was home in those earlier years. We've been married close to 30 years. It's amazing what that kind of perpective does. Money was tight in those early years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? I'm a WOHM, and I want one.

Anyone want to come join our marriage? Two physician couple, four adorable kids. We need someone to do all of the cooking, meal planning, laundry, cleaning, and money management, be active in the school community and with the teachers, decorate the house and celebrate holidays, purchase all Christmas presents, plan vacations and parties, sign the older kids up for activities and drive them there and back, each the little ones during the day and play age appropriate activities, do minor repairs, and hire out and manage all yardwork.

Two physician couple? There are a number of local household staffing agencies who would love to find you someone to do all this ...

But you have to pay that person. Many people are very resistant to paying someone to do "little" things, even when they add up to big things in the aggregate.

Unfortunately, there's also too much a tendency for the person who's very resistant to paying being a husband who says he would never want a wife who was a SAHM but also expects his working wife to do all of these things. I'm not saying that's the case for pp's marriage, but read DCUM for a few days (or look anywhere else in the real world) and you'll see a strong trend.

Yes. The expectation is that you work and do all of the little things required to maintain a household. It's almost always the woman handling things at school, doctors appointments, birthday parties etc. my husband gets annoyed when I even bother talking to him about these things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH valued having a SAHM for our kids. Thankfully, we talked about it before we got married and were in agreement.

He has never had to worry about getting a call about a sick kid. Last minute travel is never a problem. He doesn't have to juggle his schedule to fit in doctors or dental appointments. Snow days are not stressful here- they are cause for celebration! Our house is always clean. Dinner is almost always homemade and ready when he walks in. I had everything done and the kids bathed and in pajamas so that we could eat dinner as family and relax in the evenings. We've never had to scramble to make last minute child care decisions. I've never sent a child to daycare or school sick. Family vacations are easy because we only need to work around his schedule.

All those things make life easier for all of us - my DH, me, and our kids. But above everything else, we were willing to do absolutely anything to avoid daycare or a nanny. We both felt very strongly about this and would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to a lower COL area before resorting to daycare.

We all have different values. Leaving our children in the care of someone other than a parent for 40+ hours a week in those first few years was not something either of us was comfortable with. No amount of extra income would have been worth it.

I went back to work when our kids were older. I am so glad I was home in those earlier years. We've been married close to 30 years. It's amazing what that kind of perpective does. Money was tight in those early years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Your house is always clean and dinner was almost always homemade and ready when your DH walks in?
I'm a SAHM- I frankly don't believe you that your house is/was 'Always' clean.

[Anonymous]

I cannot speak for anyone else, just for our family. My husband has his own business and travels 2 weeks out of every month, works hard and works late. He always tries to make it home for dinner so we can eat together and always does the dishes, but then has to go to our home office to make calls for an hour or two. Because I stay home, there is always dinner ready, a clean house and no laundry to do so we can all spend some time each night as a family. Even if it is between calls, he goes and helps our kids do their homework. Because I can stay home (and I am thankful I can), our weekends are all family. We go to the movies, hikes, playgrounds, ice skating, museums. We are always out and about. He really wants to make up on the weekends the time he cannot give the kids during the week or when he is gone for travel (about half the year!). I would like a part time, I get bored sometimes at home. But then I would have to do the chores during the precious times we spend together. I was thinking of going back to school online, a class at a time, maybe study graphic design that way I could freelance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this thread a joke? Why would a man want to come home to a home cooked meal, a peaceful house, a relaxed spouse and all the bills, chores and other household things taken care of?

What person, man or woman, wouldn't want that?

SAHM are too frazzled to do all of that and take care of their kids.

I can pay the bills at lunch, we have flexible schedules so we cook most nights, the house is nice an clean since nobody was trashing it all day.

This is funny. Your house is clean b/c you don't let your kids inside!

Thanks for the parenting tip.

[Anonymous]

I SAH and yes, the house is clean and meals are ready. I think certain women (like me) who are highly self motivated and organized make excellent SAH wives because we treat it like a job and make sure shit gets done.

[Anonymous]

Well I SAHM and it rocks.

I am also in the arts, which is not very remunerative, but I can pursue my passion while I SAHM.

We are a very chill household. I have plenty in my 401k, our house is worth 1.5 million and no signs of divorce, but if the worst happened I would roll with it.

I cannot fathom outsourcing all my home and childcare needs to others. The PP with the au pair and housekeeper-- her lifestyle seems alien and cold to me. We like to keep it super simple. I like being a room parent, being able to chaperone, volunteer at the school and in the community, help out with aging parents (they all love in this area and all have medical issues).