S/o SAHMs - why do so many men want one?

[Anonymous]

I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:once you are in your 30s and out of the workforce for 5-8 years, your career is generally over. There are exceptional outliers, but most job markets have plenty of labor supply

Really? Is this true?

No. This is scared women trying to make themselves feel better, or smug, or superior. There are tons of moms who went back to work- gasp- on this very board. They tell their stories all the time.

+1
My wife was one of these. She found a job. If you're a good interviewer and can bring something to the table you'll be fine. Plus, most people realize why you took time off and respect that. When I look at candidates for a position I know I do

+2 I call BS also. I SAHM for nine years and went back to work after a week of looking. Yes, its an anecdote, but DC has a lot of jobs and if you stay current with your network you have a great shot. One of my BFs has stayed at home for almost ten years and she went back to work a few months ago after about a month of looking. So, stop with the scare tactics already. Much hiring relies on personal connections, not abstract notions like "labor supply" -- so stay friendly with former colleagues and bosses. Chances are they will be happy to help you out.

Absolutely no one I know in the workforce judged me for having been a SAHM. I have to come to an anonymous forum for that.

My neighbor has an Ivy undergrad and law degree but after 10+ years at home can't get more than volunteer work in the field. So perhaps the field matters quite a bit.

Or the type of job you're looking for. I'm sure you could find an average job fairly easily. But a cush high paying job ? I think that has to be much harder.

PP who SAHM and then got a job quickly -- I agree. Especially with law firms. I guess I was lucky to be in the lowly writing/editing world.[/quote
PP who was asking about option for wide to stay home sounded like they needed the money for long term goals. Freelance editing to fund a shoe habit is definitely possible; a career with benefits 401k and substantial salary different story. Look at it as employer: what skills in recent experience relate to the job vs competitors with recent training out of college. Coupled with precedent of leaving the workforce entirely for years, it's a gamble many employers are reluctant to make. But for freelance low paid jobs, one off projects, sure.

You are so obnoxious.

I returned to the writing/editing world as a normal employee with benefits and a 401k and I don't have a shoe habit.

I'll never make what a lawyer makes, but guess what? I was never going to, whether I SAHM or not. You know, the world of women consists of more than high-powered career women. In fact, those women are the minority, the VAST minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

+1

Similar story here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

Let me understand, your DH didn't want you to stay home because he thought it was selfish of him to ask, but when you asked him to 'pitch in' (when BOTH of you were working) to raise his kids, and he essentially said 'don't bother me', he didn't consider that selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:once you are in your 30s and out of the workforce for 5-8 years, your career is generally over. There are exceptional outliers, but most job markets have plenty of labor supply

Really? Is this true?

No. This is scared women trying to make themselves feel better, or smug, or superior. There are tons of moms who went back to work- gasp- on this very board. They tell their stories all the time.

+1
My wife was one of these. She found a job. If you're a good interviewer and can bring something to the table you'll be fine. Plus, most people realize why you took time off and respect that. When I look at candidates for a position I know I do

+2 I call BS also. I SAHM for nine years and went back to work after a week of looking. Yes, its an anecdote, but DC has a lot of jobs and if you stay current with your network you have a great shot. One of my BFs has stayed at home for almost ten years and she went back to work a few months ago after about a month of looking. So, stop with the scare tactics already. Much hiring relies on personal connections, not abstract notions like "labor supply" -- so stay friendly with former colleagues and bosses. Chances are they will be happy to help you out.

Absolutely no one I know in the workforce judged me for having been a SAHM. I have to come to an anonymous forum for that.

My neighbor has an Ivy undergrad and law degree but after 10+ years at home can't get more than volunteer work in the field. So perhaps the field matters quite a bit.

Or the type of job you're looking for. I'm sure you could find an average job fairly easily. But a cush high paying job ? I think that has to be much harder.

PP who SAHM and then got a job quickly -- I agree. Especially with law firms. I guess I was lucky to be in the lowly writing/editing world.[/quote
PP who was asking about option for wide to stay home sounded like they needed the money for long term goals. Freelance editing to fund a shoe habit is definitely possible; a career with benefits 401k and substantial salary different story. Look at it as employer: what skills in recent experience relate to the job vs competitors with recent training out of college. Coupled with precedent of leaving the workforce entirely for years, it's a gamble many employers are reluctant to make. But for freelance low paid jobs, one off projects, sure.

You are so obnoxious.

I returned to the writing/editing world as a normal employee with benefits and a 401k and I don't have a shoe habit.

I'll never make what a lawyer makes, but guess what? I was never going to, whether I SAHM or not. You know, the world of women consists of more than high-powered career women. In fact, those women are the minority, the VAST minority.

You are missing the point. Women staying home and fooling themselves that it doesn't impact their career is part of why we had that ghastly article in the times about how women entering a field cause wages to drop. It we championed more part time professional jobs, and husbands that 'pitched' in, women and men could have interesting rewarding careers and be home with their kids. Instead of pushing for part time, women just drop out, and then come back with stale skills and a propensity to drop out again when they realize what a hassle it is -- and then employers use that experience as internal justification to ding all women. Men and women should be pushing for a better more family orientated deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

Let me understand, your DH didn't want you to stay home because he thought it was selfish of him to ask, but when you asked him to 'pitch in' (when BOTH of you were working) to raise his kids, and he essentially said 'don't bother me', he didn't consider that selfish?

Is it really that difficult for you to understand simple things? My husband could not pitch in with what needed to be done at our household with two kids, because of his work schedule. It was manageable when we had one child. By the time second child came, my DH was also making a huge salary and thus had more responsibilities at work. Usually, a huge salary corresponds to more time at the office.

We had the money available (thanks largely to his income) to be able to outsource all childcare and household chores, however, our children were not getting enough time with us and were being raised by other people for longer periods of time in a day, than we were happy with.

So, this is my story. It might not be your story, but based on your comment, I can imagine that your story is a petty and bitchy one, so don't bother writing it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

Let me understand, your DH didn't want you to stay home because he thought it was selfish of him to ask, but when you asked him to 'pitch in' (when BOTH of you were working) to raise his kids, and he essentially said 'don't bother me', he didn't consider that selfish?

Is it really that difficult for you to understand simple things? My husband could not pitch in with what needed to be done at our household with two kids, because of his work schedule. It was manageable when we had one child. By the time second child came, my DH was also making a huge salary and thus had more responsibilities at work. Usually, a huge salary corresponds to more time at the office.

We had the money available (thanks largely to his income) to be able to outsource all childcare and household chores, however, our children were not getting enough time with us and were being raised by other people for longer periods of time in a day, than we were happy with.

So, this is my story. It might not be your story, but based on your comment, I can imagine that your story is a petty and bitchy one, so don't bother writing it here.

I see, he bought a 'I can be an absent dad' card. When you are both working, their should be equity based on mutual respect not who makes more. And this is why you ended up at home, because he didn't respect your career or your time. And you bought it. Or moreover, he bought it from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

Let me understand, your DH didn't want you to stay home because he thought it was selfish of him to ask, but when you asked him to 'pitch in' (when BOTH of you were working) to raise his kids, and he essentially said 'don't bother me', he didn't consider that selfish?

Is it really that difficult for you to understand simple things? My husband could not pitch in with what needed to be done at our household with two kids, because of his work schedule. It was manageable when we had one child. By the time second child came, my DH was also making a huge salary and thus had more responsibilities at work. Usually, a huge salary corresponds to more time at the office.

We had the money available (thanks largely to his income) to be able to outsource all childcare and household chores, however, our children were not getting enough time with us and were being raised by other people for longer periods of time in a day, than we were happy with.

So, this is my story. It might not be your story, but based on your comment, I can imagine that your story is a petty and bitchy one, so don't bother writing it here.

I see, he bought a 'I can be an absent dad' card. When you are both working, their should be equity based on mutual respect not who makes more. And this is why you ended up at home, because he didn't respect your career or your time. And you bought it. Or moreover, he bought it from you.

OMG. You are so right and insightful. Oh dear, what should I do now? Should I stop having sex with him because of this? Or maybe stop going to the gym? Yes, I think that would serve him right - a fat and asexual wife. Thank you for your wisdom. If he still does not change his ways, maybe I should divorce him and go back to work. It will be great for the faux-female lib movement I want to be a part of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

+1

Similar story here!

+2, same story, except I didn't go back after first kid - my work only had 3 months mat leave and there was no option for family to watch kids. Now both are in school and it still doesn't make sense for me to go back. The calculation is different when DH makes money where my additional income becomes irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

Let me understand, your DH didn't want you to stay home because he thought it was selfish of him to ask, but when you asked him to 'pitch in' (when BOTH of you were working) to raise his kids, and he essentially said 'don't bother me', he didn't consider that selfish?

Is it really that difficult for you to understand simple things? My husband could not pitch in with what needed to be done at our household with two kids, because of his work schedule. It was manageable when we had one child. By the time second child came, my DH was also making a huge salary and thus had more responsibilities at work. Usually, a huge salary corresponds to more time at the office.

We had the money available (thanks largely to his income) to be able to outsource all childcare and household chores, however, our children were not getting enough time with us and were being raised by other people for longer periods of time in a day, than we were happy with.

So, this is my story. It might not be your story, but based on your comment, I can imagine that your story is a petty and bitchy one, so don't bother writing it here.

I see, he bought a 'I can be an absent dad' card. When you are both working, their should be equity based on mutual respect not who makes more. And this is why you ended up at home, because he didn't respect your career or your time. And you bought it. Or moreover, he bought it from you.

OMG. You are so right and insightful. Oh dear, what should I do now? Should I stop having sex with him because of this? Or maybe stop going to the gym? Yes, I think that would serve him right - a fat and asexual wife. Thank you for your wisdom. If he still does not change his ways, maybe I should divorce him and go back to work. It will be great for the faux-female lib movement I want to be a part of.

Why are you talking about gym and sex? I just asked if you felt he valued your career ambitions as much as his own. Did you work at the gym or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always knew I wanted to have a career. I met DH in college and he was 100% in my corner. After marriage and working for a number of years, we had DC1. I took a break and went back to work after 3 years. When DC2 was born, the logistics whupped our asses. DH was making a lot more than I was so there was really no need for my salary, and the fact that I wanted to pitch in helping around the house did not work well with his schedule. DH's solution was "Please get whatever help is needed to help manage the house and the kids, because I do not have the time". Since I had the finances available, I outsourced everything that I could. Until I realized that there was a limit to what could be outsourced, and that this was not the life I wanted for my kids and my family.

I still have outside help, but now I am a SAHM. My DH is beyond grateful that I am with the kids. He did not start off as wanting a SAHM because he thought it was selfish, but now, he is very relieved that he has one.

If I really insist that I want to go back to work, he will try and help me as much as he can, but he and I know that it will not be enough. He did not want a SAHM, but our family needed one.

Seems like your story, particularly the large salary differential which makes his job more important to keep than yours, is really about the 3 years you took off after DC#1. It seems less likely there'd be a big income disparity otherwise. I do think it impacts future career options when you take a long-ish break from paid work.

Frankly, I think families should do whatever they think is best for them. But I don't think your family "needed" a SAHM. If you really wanted to continue to pursue your career, you could have. You made a reasonable and valid choice to stay at home in order the have the family life you want...but that's different than implying there is no other way your family could function.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I enjoyed SAHM and DH resented me for it. I ended up back at work.

[Anonymous]

My son wants this for his wife. I think he saw how stressful it was for our family to have me at work all the time. He doesn't want his kids raised at daycare, like he was, although he is always very grateful for the things I provided (I was widowed.) I'm happy that he and his wife can make that choice, although they will live lean on one salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was mentioned in the thread below that plenty of men still want a SAHM wife even though times have changed ostensibly. People say the right PC things about feminism but don't seem to really mean it when it comes to their own family life.

Guys, what's up with that?

No one wants one anymore. This thread is a joke. It's a privilege (and a curse to SAHM) but no man wants one (ie he'll take it on if the wife earned little enough and childcare outspent her poor career choices making it more economically beneficial to stay home. ) beta women