Am I obligated to emotionally support my sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is dating a white Catholic guy. My parents and family have no idea. She told me and I blew up at her. I'm so disappointed that she'd take an action that would upset our parents and family. We are a conservative Indian family. Her decision would break my parents hearts. She says I'm a bad sister for not supporting her. I just feel bad for my parents.

P.s I myself have dated white guys in the past and my parents never knew. My sister always supported me.

Seriously, you are a bitch. She's doing EXACTLY what you did. It was okay when you did it, because your parents didn't know. She's doing the same thing, and your parents don't know. Frankly, if she tells them, I have a lot more respect for her. You lied and hid things from your parents, but you expect other people to live their lives based on what your parents would think?

+1 your sister has way more balls than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

So you can't be bigoted? Interesting.

OP here.

I deeply resent being called a "bigot" and the other awful comments thrown my way on this thread. There is a lot more at play here than simply the fact that he's white or christian. There is a MASSIVE culture and lifestyle gap between my family and a regular white western family.

Okay, so my sister gets along with this guy. But do they have similar values? Goals? Outlooks? How will they raise their children? What about the fact that our family doesn't drink or party and his family is made up of loud drinking parties. How will the two families ever socialize when they get together? ETC.

It sets up a couple for a lifelong struggle.

My sister likes to think that she's very different from us. You know, maybe she is. But her dating this guy seriously and stepping out of our culture and traditions and associating with a family that is SO FUNDAMENTALLY different than us just means that we will not be involved in her life.

Your sister is not the first or last person to date across religious, ethnic, cultural or socioeconomic lines. What will her spouse do? They will have to figure it out. It's not your job to decide it can't be resolved.

I grew up in a conservative Indian community here in the US and can't even with people like the OP and her family. Seriously? Your parents moved to this country, they assumed the risk of their children assimilating. Sorry, you are a bigot. I get the cultural differences are something to be concerned about, but that means it's something your sister and her SO have to conciously address in a respectful manner. It doesn't mean that you get to decide that someone isn't worthy of dating your sister because of his skin color or religion.

Snarky me would point out that the families that were most adamant about their kids not dating non-Indians for the most part ended up with their kids marrying non-Indians. And pretty much all of them are on good terms now, once the initial shock wore off. It's amazing how parents come around when they see that their kids have found someone who loves and cares about them. And grandkids, that usually helps.

My brother married a nice Indian girl with the right last name and parents from the right part of India. I married a white dude from the Midwest. We've both navigated the issue of integrating families -- just like all married couples do. It's actually harder marrying another child of immigrants from the same country, since each family assimilates to different degrees.

Anyway, if you were a good sister, you'd support her and run interference with her and your parents, regardless of your dating history. That you dated white guys (but only secretly) makes your lack of support that much more insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

So you can't be bigoted? Interesting.

OP here.

I deeply resent being called a "bigot" and the other awful comments thrown my way on this thread. There is a lot more at play here than simply the fact that he's white or christian. There is a MASSIVE culture and lifestyle gap between my family and a regular white western family.

Okay, so my sister gets along with this guy. But do they have similar values? Goals? Outlooks? How will they raise their children? What about the fact that our family doesn't drink or party and his family is made up of loud drinking parties. How will the two families ever socialize when they get together? ETC.

It sets up a couple for a lifelong struggle.

My sister likes to think that she's very different from us. You know, maybe she is. But her dating this guy seriously and stepping out of our culture and traditions and associating with a family that is SO FUNDAMENTALLY different than us just means that we will not be involved in her life.

Your sister is not the first or last person to date across religious, ethnic, cultural or socioeconomic lines. What will her spouse do? They will have to figure it out. It's not your job to decide it can't be resolved.

I grew up in a conservative Indian community here in the US and can't even with people like the OP and her family. Seriously? Your parents moved to this country, they assumed the risk of their children assimilating. Sorry, you are a bigot. I get the cultural differences are something to be concerned about, but that means it's something your sister and her SO have to conciously address in a respectful manner. It doesn't mean that you get to decide that someone isn't worthy of dating your sister because of his skin color or religion.

Snarky me would point out that the families that were most adamant about their kids not dating non-Indians for the most part ended up with their kids marrying non-Indians. And pretty much all of them are on good terms now, once the initial shock wore off. It's amazing how parents come around when they see that their kids have found someone who loves and cares about them. And grandkids, that usually helps.

My brother married a nice Indian girl with the right last name and parents from the right part of India. I married a white dude from the Midwest. We've both navigated the issue of integrating families -- just like all married couples do. It's actually harder marrying another child of immigrants from the same country, since each family assimilates to different degrees.

Anyway, if you were a good sister, you'd support her and run interference with her and your parents, regardless of your dating history. That you dated white guys (but only secretly) makes your lack of support that much more insulting.

PP now that I think through, I don't think Indian families have that much of an issue marrying their daughters of to a Non-indian man. There are way too many examples of successful marriages and happy ILs, that I see. They would balk at the thought of getting a DIL from a diff. culture though. That's because women have the role of peace keepers/relationship builders in the family and that does require a deeper understanding and tolerance of family dynamics. That aside, I think every Indian parent dreads losing their culture, language, customs and traditions. Keep up with that and they're happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP now that I think through, I don't think Indian families have that much of an issue marrying their daughters of to a Non-indian man. There are way too many examples of successful marriages and happy ILs, that I see. They would balk at the thought of getting a DIL from a diff. culture though. That's because women have the role of peace keepers/relationship builders in the family and that does require a deeper understanding and tolerance of family dynamics. That aside, I think every Indian parent dreads losing their culture, language, customs and traditions. Keep up with that and they're happy.

PP you quoted -- that's probably true (although not relevant to OP's situation). But I also think that American born/raised Indian girls behave more like the Americans they are, rather than ideal Indian DILs and that can raise issues with Indian-born parents-in-law, with the added bitterness of the parents thinking that she should 'know' better because she's Indian.

[Anonymous]

I'll just take OP at her word that she is from one of those very traditional families where this would be seen a a serious offense. I haven't had to live it myself, but there are people in my family and from my culture who have had to deal with being ostracized for this very reason.

OP, if supporting someone feels like an obligation, yours is not the "support" they need. It is not your place to determine if your sister and her partner have enough in common for the relationship to last--that's their job. Your job, insofar as any of this is any of your business, is simply to listen to your sister when she wants to talk about her relationship (assuming she hasn't already gotten sick of your judgment and clammed up completely), and listen to your parents when they vent about your sister's choice.

Listen, not judge, comment, denigrate, pile on, bitch & moan, or any of the other behaviours that it sounds like you've probably been engaging in or gearing up for.

YOU and your parents can choose to make socializing a massively uncomfortable affair or you can take a stab at being gracious and allow your sister to be happy. Cultures mingle all of the time. Problems only arise when people are more focused on being divisive than on finding common ground.

And yeah, keeping your own equal opportunity dating history a secret from your parents does not make you less of a hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll just take OP at her word that she is from one of those very traditional families where this would be seen a a serious offense. I haven't had to live it myself, but there are people in my family and from my culture who have had to deal with being ostracized for this very reason.

OP, if supporting someone feels like an obligation, yours is not the "support" they need. It is not your place to determine if your sister and her partner have enough in common for the relationship to last--that's their job. Your job, insofar as any of this is any of your business, is simply to listen to your sister when she wants to talk about her relationship (assuming she hasn't already gotten sick of your judgment and clammed up completely), and listen to your parents when they vent about your sister's choice.

Listen, not judge, comment, denigrate, pile on, bitch & moan, or any of the other behaviours that it sounds like you've probably been engaging in or gearing up for.

YOU and your parents can choose to make socializing a massively uncomfortable affair or you can take a stab at being gracious and allow your sister to be happy. Cultures mingle all of the time. Problems only arise when people are more focused on being divisive than on finding common ground.

And yeah, keeping your own equal opportunity dating history a secret from your parents does not make you less of a hypocrite.

Oh please.

I am so sick of these hypocrisy accusations. There are worse things!!!

So, If I go jump off a cliff and then tell my sister to NOT do it, does that mean I'm being evil? If I smoke and tell my sister to NOT smoke, am I being mean?

MY personal actions should have no bearing on the validity of my argument. That is not the point of this.

In order to stay a family unit the members have to make an effort to care for and consider everyone else's feelings. It is NOT cool of my sister to off on her own and assimilate into her boyfriend's family and establish a relationship with them all the while saying a big FUCK YOU to her parents and family.

Consider her actions in any other context and they would be appalling. I really can't support or take her side on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll just take OP at her word that she is from one of those very traditional families where this would be seen a a serious offense. I haven't had to live it myself, but there are people in my family and from my culture who have had to deal with being ostracized for this very reason.

OP, if supporting someone feels like an obligation, yours is not the "support" they need. It is not your place to determine if your sister and her partner have enough in common for the relationship to last--that's their job. Your job, insofar as any of this is any of your business, is simply to listen to your sister when she wants to talk about her relationship (assuming she hasn't already gotten sick of your judgment and clammed up completely), and listen to your parents when they vent about your sister's choice.

Listen, not judge, comment, denigrate, pile on, bitch & moan, or any of the other behaviours that it sounds like you've probably been engaging in or gearing up for.

YOU and your parents can choose to make socializing a massively uncomfortable affair or you can take a stab at being gracious and allow your sister to be happy. Cultures mingle all of the time. Problems only arise when people are more focused on being divisive than on finding common ground.

And yeah, keeping your own equal opportunity dating history a secret from your parents does not make you less of a hypocrite.

Oh please.

I am so sick of these hypocrisy accusations. There are worse things!!!

So, If I go jump off a cliff and then tell my sister to NOT do it, does that mean I'm being evil? If I smoke and tell my sister to NOT smoke, am I being mean?

MY personal actions should have no bearing on the validity of my argument. That is not the point of this.

In order to stay a family unit the members have to make an effort to care for and consider everyone else's feelings. It is NOT cool of my sister to off on her own and assimilate into her boyfriend's family and establish a relationship with them all the while saying a big FUCK YOU to her parents and family.

Consider her actions in any other context and they would be appalling. I really can't support or take her side on this.

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps your family's culture and religion are too repressive for your sister? Is she not a human soul, with free will, living in a country where she can choose her own faith?
I was forced to grow up as a Jehovah's Witness as a child. No holidays, very repressed, forced to preach door to door. I didn't agree with the idea of shunning friends and family just because they might choose to leave the faith. So I was shunned and lost my family at age 16, just because I wanted spiritual freedom.
Think about your ideals and how none of you, none of you at all have the right to demand any family member to marry in the faith or be in your religion. This is a caging of free human spirit and is very wrong.

[Anonymous]

If you smoke and then judge and harass and attack your sister and gossip about her behind her back for smoking, then yes, you are a hypocrite. An yes, it is something to be condemned.

Part of the problem seems to be that whereas you are interpreting your sister's relationship as being a massive FUCK YOU to the family, your sister is probably just seeing her relationship as...a relationship. She's not off hatching jihadist plots, she's just in love. Or like. Or lust. Or whatever she is perfectly entitled to feel and explore as an INDEPENDENT HUMAN BEING.

If you were really that concerned about the family unit, you wouldn't need to ask a bunch of strangers whether or not you are obliged to support your sister.

I won't try to invalidate your family's position because I know how powerful culture and tradition are, but if your sister's biggest crime here is loving someone who isn't from your culture...yeah I do think you need to get over it. It's attitudes like yours that will cause and deepen the rift, not your sister's relationship.

I hope that despite your parents' possible reaction you are able to be the kind of sister she needs.

[Anonymous]

Op sounds like she's JEALOUS because she didn't have the balls to do this herself. You sound bitter and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand people who immigrate to a country with a multitude of races, ethnicities, cultures, ideals, religions, etc and then behave like this when future generations open their hearts and their minds to new ideas and new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

So you can't be bigoted? Interesting.

OP here.

I deeply resent being called a "bigot" and the other awful comments thrown my way on this thread. There is a lot more at play here than simply the fact that he's white or christian. There is a MASSIVE culture and lifestyle gap between my family and a regular white western family.

Okay, so my sister gets along with this guy. But do they have similar values? Goals? Outlooks? How will they raise their children? What about the fact that our family doesn't drink or party and his family is made up of loud drinking parties. How will the two families ever socialize when they get together? ETC.

It sets up a couple for a lifelong struggle.

My sister likes to think that she's very different from us. You know, maybe she is. But her dating this guy seriously and stepping out of our culture and traditions and associating with a family that is SO FUNDAMENTALLY different than us just means that we will not be involved in her life.

Your sister is not the first or last person to date across religious, ethnic, cultural or socioeconomic lines. What will her spouse do? They will have to figure it out. It's not your job to decide it can't be resolved.

I grew up in a conservative Indian community here in the US and can't even with people like the OP and her family. Seriously? Your parents moved to this country, they assumed the risk of their children assimilating. Sorry, you are a bigot. I get the cultural differences are something to be concerned about, but that means it's something your sister and her SO have to conciously address in a respectful manner. It doesn't mean that you get to decide that someone isn't worthy of dating your sister because of his skin color or religion.

Snarky me would point out that the families that were most adamant about their kids not dating non-Indians for the most part ended up with their kids marrying non-Indians. And pretty much all of them are on good terms now, once the initial shock wore off. It's amazing how parents come around when they see that their kids have found someone who loves and cares about them. And grandkids, that usually helps.

My brother married a nice Indian girl with the right last name and parents from the right part of India. I married a white dude from the Midwest. We've both navigated the issue of integrating families -- just like all married couples do. It's actually harder marrying another child of immigrants from the same country, since each family assimilates to different degrees.

Anyway, if you were a good sister, you'd support her and run interference with her and your parents, regardless of your dating history. That you dated white guys (but only secretly) makes your lack of support that much more insulting.

PP now that I think through, I don't think Indian families have that much of an issue marrying their daughters of to a Non-indian man. There are way too many examples of successful marriages and happy ILs, that I see. They would balk at the thought of getting a DIL from a diff. culture though. That's because women have the role of peace keepers/relationship builders in the family and that does require a deeper understanding and tolerance of family dynamics. That aside, I think every Indian parent dreads losing their culture, language, customs and traditions. Keep up with that and they're happy.

This may be true for Hindu Indians but absolutely not true for Muslim Indians. For Muslim families with any degree of religiosity, the idea of their daughter marrying a non-Muslim man is deeply wrong, and unsupportable on its face.

[Anonymous]

WOW. So, If I smoke and tell my sister not to smoke, I'm a bitch?If I jump into a well, my sister should follow?

Just because I didn't make the best decision does not mean what I have to say is of no value. I bring up important valid points. If she chooses to go ahead and marry into this family, she shouldn't expect to keep close to her own as she will have hurt too many people and burnt too many bridges. This, at 24, seems like a perfectly fine option for her. I just think she'll regret it later.

You have repeatedly compared SMOKING and such - things that harm or even kill you - to DATING A WHITE GUY.

Get a grip. God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

So you can't be bigoted? Interesting.

OP here.

I deeply resent being called a "bigot" and the other awful comments thrown my way on this thread. There is a lot more at play here than simply the fact that he's white or christian. There is a MASSIVE culture and lifestyle gap between my family and a regular white western family.

Okay, so my sister gets along with this guy. But do they have similar values? Goals? Outlooks? How will they raise their children? What about the fact that our family doesn't drink or party and his family is made up of loud drinking parties. How will the two families ever socialize when they get together? ETC.

It sets up a couple for a lifelong struggle.

My sister likes to think that she's very different from us. You know, maybe she is. But her dating this guy seriously and stepping out of our culture and traditions and associating with a family that is SO FUNDAMENTALLY different than us just means that we will not be involved in her life.

Your sister is not the first or last person to date across religious, ethnic, cultural or socioeconomic lines. What will her spouse do? They will have to figure it out. It's not your job to decide it can't be resolved.

I grew up in a conservative Indian community here in the US and can't even with people like the OP and her family. Seriously? Your parents moved to this country, they assumed the risk of their children assimilating. Sorry, you are a bigot. I get the cultural differences are something to be concerned about, but that means it's something your sister and her SO have to conciously address in a respectful manner. It doesn't mean that you get to decide that someone isn't worthy of dating your sister because of his skin color or religion.

Snarky me would point out that the families that were most adamant about their kids not dating non-Indians for the most part ended up with their kids marrying non-Indians. And pretty much all of them are on good terms now, once the initial shock wore off. It's amazing how parents come around when they see that their kids have found someone who loves and cares about them. And grandkids, that usually helps.

My brother married a nice Indian girl with the right last name and parents from the right part of India. I married a white dude from the Midwest. We've both navigated the issue of integrating families -- just like all married couples do. It's actually harder marrying another child of immigrants from the same country, since each family assimilates to different degrees.

Anyway, if you were a good sister, you'd support her and run interference with her and your parents, regardless of your dating history. That you dated white guys (but only secretly) makes your lack of support that much more insulting.

PP now that I think through, I don't think Indian families have that much of an issue marrying their daughters of to a Non-indian man. There are way too many examples of successful marriages and happy ILs, that I see. They would balk at the thought of getting a DIL from a diff. culture though. That's because women have the role of peace keepers/relationship builders in the family and that does require a deeper understanding and tolerance of family dynamics. That aside, I think every Indian parent dreads losing their culture, language, customs and traditions. Keep up with that and they're happy.

This may be true for Hindu Indians but absolutely not true for Muslim Indians. For Muslim families with any degree of religiosity, the idea of their daughter marrying a non-Muslim man is deeply wrong, and unsupportable on its face.

+1. Its the worst thing that can happen to a Muslim family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

NP, and a 2nd gen Indian from a conservative family.

Honestly, you have no idea what is going to happen with her relationship. Maybe she'll marry the guy, maybe she won't. But either way, you are her SISTER, and you just LOVE her. That means keeping your personal feelings aside in this matter, and letting her make her own choice. You don't have to agree, you just remain respectful.

Let me tell you, I have known MANY in this situation. You know what people do when they are feeling emotionally isolated, by being cut off from friends/family? Make bad choices that aren't clear-thinking. Not saying marrying this Catholic guy is a bad decision at all, but either way you don't want her to become isolated. I've seen people dig in their heels and make some wrong choices (that had nothing to do with their race).

And as for being bigoted - yes, our culture is very bigoted. We are bigoted against others NOT from our ethnicity, but also amongst each other. Punjabis looking down on Gujaratis for being vegetarian. Gujaratis thinking the 'Madrasis' are all dark skinned and ugly. South Indians thinking north Indians are idiots who can't speak English, etc.. Let's face it, there are many of us who are very small minded. Not saying we are more bigoted than any other race, but let's just call a spade a spade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

So you can't be bigoted? Interesting.

OP here.

I deeply resent being called a "bigot" and the other awful comments thrown my way on this thread. There is a lot more at play here than simply the fact that he's white or christian. There is a MASSIVE culture and lifestyle gap between my family and a regular white western family.

Okay, so my sister gets along with this guy. But do they have similar values? Goals? Outlooks? How will they raise their children? What about the fact that our family doesn't drink or party and his family is made up of loud drinking parties. How will the two families ever socialize when they get together? ETC.

It sets up a couple for a lifelong struggle.

My sister likes to think that she's very different from us. You know, maybe she is. But her dating this guy seriously and stepping out of our culture and traditions and associating with a family that is SO FUNDAMENTALLY different than us just means that we will not be involved in her life.

NP. OP, I get where you are coming from, but I just think this attitude is going to be equally sad for YOU. She is your sister, maybe your only sibling? She's most likely going to be on this earth for longer than your parents. Try to be understanding, and YOU try to find common ground if you can. Speaking as someone without a sister and wish I had.