Am I obligated to emotionally support my sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

NP, and a 2nd gen Indian from a conservative family.

Honestly, you have no idea what is going to happen with her relationship. Maybe she'll marry the guy, maybe she won't. But either way, you are her SISTER, and you just LOVE her. That means keeping your personal feelings aside in this matter, and letting her make her own choice. You don't have to agree, you just remain respectful.

Let me tell you, I have known MANY in this situation. You know what people do when they are feeling emotionally isolated, by being cut off from friends/family? Make bad choices that aren't clear-thinking. Not saying marrying this Catholic guy is a bad decision at all, but either way you don't want her to become isolated. I've seen people dig in their heels and make some wrong choices (that had nothing to do with their race).

And as for being bigoted - yes, our culture is very bigoted. We are bigoted against others NOT from our ethnicity, but also amongst each other. Punjabis looking down on Gujaratis for being vegetarian. Gujaratis thinking the 'Madrasis' are all dark skinned and ugly. South Indians thinking north Indians are idiots who can't speak English, etc.. Let's face it, there are many of us who are very small minded. Not saying we are more bigoted than any other race, but let's just call a spade a spade.

OP here. Thanks for your input. Its nice to speak with people who know where I am coming from. I agree, our culture is and can be very bigoted but I love my parents and they have sacrificed a lot for us and love us dearly. I also love my sister just as much and wish the best for her. I'm just very thrown aback by her decision. Our parents did not instill major restrictions on us growing up. We were able to assimilate so as long as we still adhered by basic muslim guidelines; fasting during ramadan, dressing modest in front of relatives and elders and not drinking and hooking up with boys.

They did not even impose arranged marriage on us. They encouraged us to be independent women and go get our educations so we were not dependent on any man. They told us that when it came time for marriage they trusted us to make our own decisions so as long as we brought home a good guy who makes a decent living and he is muslim. No matter what, he HAD to be muslim.

Now, given our circle of friends and how many westernized, loosely muslim young men that are around in this area, it is just so surprising to me that my sister would make a beeline for the one guy who would break our parents rules. She wants to drink and party and hook up, Fine. Plenty of loose muslim guys around to do that with but at least when you bring one of them home they would not upset or disrespect my parents.

She could've had the best of BOTH worlds but she is choosing to go with an alternative that is only going to sever her ties with her family and extended network.

Baffling.

[Anonymous]

I'm 13:08. I know it's hard, when you feel like they had so many choices, but at some level, those people did not speak to her at an emotional level - this catholic guy did. But you, as her sister, have to keep an open mind.

We're Hindu, not Muslim, but a lot of same issues apply. A decade ago, my cousin married an Irish Catholic guy; prior to them getting married, my aunt/uncle tried to convince her to not marry the guy for 3 or 4 *years*. She was steadfast, the guy was patient, and eventually my aunt/uncle gave in. Now most of us cousins are married, mainly to other Hindus. Do you know who is the most respectful son-in-law? The one who touches elders' feet automatically, eats dal-chawal with his hands, makes dosas for kids for sunday morning breakfast, takes his kids to bal vihar when his wife is working, and sat through a 3 hour wedding ceremony, shirtless? My Irish catholic cousin-in-law. Sooo respectful. Way more accommodating than my indian husband or any of my brothers/cousins/etc.

So you never know. You have to give him a chance, see what type of person he is - whether he is willing to take on his future wife's family as his own, as my cousin's spouse has. And I know its different between Islam and Hinduism, but my cousins' children are very very Indian, despite only being half-Indian. They speak our regional language, only eat indian food at home, go to the temple weekly.

At any rate, try to trust that she is looking out for her happiness, not trying to hurt your parents or you. And in the end, you may find your new BIL is a really good human being and that is all that matters in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:08. I know it's hard, when you feel like they had so many choices, but at some level, those people did not speak to her at an emotional level - this catholic guy did. But you, as her sister, have to keep an open mind.

We're Hindu, not Muslim, but a lot of same issues apply. A decade ago, my cousin married an Irish Catholic guy; prior to them getting married, my aunt/uncle tried to convince her to not marry the guy for 3 or 4 *years*. She was steadfast, the guy was patient, and eventually my aunt/uncle gave in. Now most of us cousins are married, mainly to other Hindus. Do you know who is the most respectful son-in-law? The one who touches elders' feet automatically, eats dal-chawal with his hands, makes dosas for kids for sunday morning breakfast, takes his kids to bal vihar when his wife is working, and sat through a 3 hour wedding ceremony, shirtless? My Irish catholic cousin-in-law. Sooo respectful. Way more accommodating than my indian husband or any of my brothers/cousins/etc.

So you never know. You have to give him a chance, see what type of person he is - whether he is willing to take on his future wife's family as his own, as my cousin's spouse has. And I know its different between Islam and Hinduism, but my cousins' children are very very Indian, despite only being half-Indian. They speak our regional language, only eat indian food at home, go to the temple weekly.

At any rate, try to trust that she is looking out for her happiness, not trying to hurt your parents or you. And in the end, you may find your new BIL is a really good human being and that is all that matters in the end.

Wow. its soo nice to hear your story. It sounds very similar to us! I have not met this guy yet. I have stalked him on Facebook and he appears to be very obnoxious. He and his friend group seem like typical upper class Bros who wear plaid shirts and pink shorts and party all the time. They don't even seem to have any minority friends in their group. So...I'm confused about what my sister sees in him, based on his facebook, anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:08. I know it's hard, when you feel like they had so many choices, but at some level, those people did not speak to her at an emotional level - this catholic guy did. But you, as her sister, have to keep an open mind.

We're Hindu, not Muslim, but a lot of same issues apply. A decade ago, my cousin married an Irish Catholic guy; prior to them getting married, my aunt/uncle tried to convince her to not marry the guy for 3 or 4 *years*. She was steadfast, the guy was patient, and eventually my aunt/uncle gave in. Now most of us cousins are married, mainly to other Hindus. Do you know who is the most respectful son-in-law? The one who touches elders' feet automatically, eats dal-chawal with his hands, makes dosas for kids for sunday morning breakfast, takes his kids to bal vihar when his wife is working, and sat through a 3 hour wedding ceremony, shirtless? My Irish catholic cousin-in-law. Sooo respectful. Way more accommodating than my indian husband or any of my brothers/cousins/etc.

So you never know. You have to give him a chance, see what type of person he is - whether he is willing to take on his future wife's family as his own, as my cousin's spouse has. And I know its different between Islam and Hinduism, but my cousins' children are very very Indian, despite only being half-Indian. They speak our regional language, only eat indian food at home, go to the temple weekly.

At any rate, try to trust that she is looking out for her happiness, not trying to hurt your parents or you. And in the end, you may find your new BIL is a really good human being and that is all that matters in the end.

Wow. its soo nice to hear your story. It sounds very similar to us! I have not met this guy yet. I have stalked him on Facebook and he appears to be very obnoxious. He and his friend group seem like typical upper class Bros who wear plaid shirts and pink shorts and party all the time. They don't even seem to have any minority friends in their group. So...I'm confused about what my sister sees in him, based on his facebook, anyhow.

And, I know what he sees in my sister. My sister is incredibly beautiful and is a social butterfly. He seems like the most dorky one among his group of Bros and cannot believe his lucky stars that a hot girl is giving him attention.

[Anonymous]

OP, did the white guy you were dating dump you? You sound very bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:08. I know it's hard, when you feel like they had so many choices, but at some level, those people did not speak to her at an emotional level - this catholic guy did. But you, as her sister, have to keep an open mind.

We're Hindu, not Muslim, but a lot of same issues apply. A decade ago, my cousin married an Irish Catholic guy; prior to them getting married, my aunt/uncle tried to convince her to not marry the guy for 3 or 4 *years*. She was steadfast, the guy was patient, and eventually my aunt/uncle gave in. Now most of us cousins are married, mainly to other Hindus. Do you know who is the most respectful son-in-law? The one who touches elders' feet automatically, eats dal-chawal with his hands, makes dosas for kids for sunday morning breakfast, takes his kids to bal vihar when his wife is working, and sat through a 3 hour wedding ceremony, shirtless? My Irish catholic cousin-in-law. Sooo respectful. Way more accommodating than my indian husband or any of my brothers/cousins/etc.

So you never know. You have to give him a chance, see what type of person he is - whether he is willing to take on his future wife's family as his own, as my cousin's spouse has. And I know its different between Islam and Hinduism, but my cousins' children are very very Indian, despite only being half-Indian. They speak our regional language, only eat indian food at home, go to the temple weekly.

At any rate, try to trust that she is looking out for her happiness, not trying to hurt your parents or you. And in the end, you may find your new BIL is a really good human being and that is all that matters in the end.

Wow. its soo nice to hear your story. It sounds very similar to us! I have not met this guy yet. I have stalked him on Facebook and he appears to be very obnoxious. He and his friend group seem like typical upper class Bros who wear plaid shirts and pink shorts and party all the time. They don't even seem to have any minority friends in their group. So...I'm confused about what my sister sees in him, based on his facebook, anyhow.

And, I know what he sees in my sister. My sister is incredibly beautiful and is a social butterfly. He seems like the most dorky one among his group of Bros and cannot believe his lucky stars that a hot girl is giving him attention.

Op you're disgusting. How can you claim to be Muslim and be so cruel?

[Anonymous]

Why is it ok for your sister to be with some half ass Muslim? Doesn't make sense. You go on and on about your culture and religion but you don't seem genuine yourself.

[Anonymous]

Yuk.

OP: why bother being religious? It clearly did not make you a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it ok for your sister to be with some half ass Muslim? Doesn't make sense. You go on and on about your culture and religion but you don't seem genuine yourself.

Because even a half-ass Muslim is familiar and comfortable with the culture and customs. You don't have to explain to him why you do and don't do certain things. There is a shared expectation of how things ought to be done, a shared understanding of why things should be the way they should be, a shared vision of home life, a shared view on how children ought to be raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:08. I know it's hard, when you feel like they had so many choices, but at some level, those people did not speak to her at an emotional level - this catholic guy did. But you, as her sister, have to keep an open mind.

We're Hindu, not Muslim, but a lot of same issues apply. A decade ago, my cousin married an Irish Catholic guy; prior to them getting married, my aunt/uncle tried to convince her to not marry the guy for 3 or 4 *years*. She was steadfast, the guy was patient, and eventually my aunt/uncle gave in. Now most of us cousins are married, mainly to other Hindus. Do you know who is the most respectful son-in-law? The one who touches elders' feet automatically, eats dal-chawal with his hands, makes dosas for kids for sunday morning breakfast, takes his kids to bal vihar when his wife is working, and sat through a 3 hour wedding ceremony, shirtless? My Irish catholic cousin-in-law. Sooo respectful. Way more accommodating than my indian husband or any of my brothers/cousins/etc.

So you never know. You have to give him a chance, see what type of person he is - whether he is willing to take on his future wife's family as his own, as my cousin's spouse has. And I know its different between Islam and Hinduism, but my cousins' children are very very Indian, despite only being half-Indian. They speak our regional language, only eat indian food at home, go to the temple weekly.

At any rate, try to trust that she is looking out for her happiness, not trying to hurt your parents or you. And in the end, you may find your new BIL is a really good human being and that is all that matters in the end.

I understand what you're trying to say, but him being a good person really doesn't make things right for a Muslim family. Marrying a non-Muslim man is scripturally wrong, and all his good qualities would not make this marriage valid; her sister, in fact, cannot even have a Muslim marriage. For a family it's a very hurtful, shameful thing, and a deep sense of failure. The family will receive a lot of backlash and criticism in a Muslim community for this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:08. I know it's hard, when you feel like they had so many choices, but at some level, those people did not speak to her at an emotional level - this catholic guy did. But you, as her sister, have to keep an open mind.

We're Hindu, not Muslim, but a lot of same issues apply. A decade ago, my cousin married an Irish Catholic guy; prior to them getting married, my aunt/uncle tried to convince her to not marry the guy for 3 or 4 *years*. She was steadfast, the guy was patient, and eventually my aunt/uncle gave in. Now most of us cousins are married, mainly to other Hindus. Do you know who is the most respectful son-in-law? The one who touches elders' feet automatically, eats dal-chawal with his hands, makes dosas for kids for sunday morning breakfast, takes his kids to bal vihar when his wife is working, and sat through a 3 hour wedding ceremony, shirtless? My Irish catholic cousin-in-law. Sooo respectful. Way more accommodating than my indian husband or any of my brothers/cousins/etc.

So you never know. You have to give him a chance, see what type of person he is - whether he is willing to take on his future wife's family as his own, as my cousin's spouse has. And I know its different between Islam and Hinduism, but my cousins' children are very very Indian, despite only being half-Indian. They speak our regional language, only eat indian food at home, go to the temple weekly.

At any rate, try to trust that she is looking out for her happiness, not trying to hurt your parents or you. And in the end, you may find your new BIL is a really good human being and that is all that matters in the end.

I understand what you're trying to say, but him being a good person really doesn't make things right for a Muslim family. Marrying a non-Muslim man is scripturally wrong, and all his good qualities would not make this marriage valid; her sister, in fact, cannot even have a Muslim marriage. For a family it's a very hurtful, shameful thing, and a deep sense of failure. The family will receive a lot of backlash and criticism in a Muslim community for this sort of thing.

Is that true in all Muslim communities - not being able to have a Muslim marriage if you marry a non Muslim? Does it apply only when the groom is non-muslim? Arent Indian Muslims less conservative than their Arab counterparts? We know several Hindu-Muslim marriages, and yeah, the parents were upset but they came around...but they did have a marriage ceremony, albeit in hotels not mosques....

[Anonymous]

PP, Muslim men are allowed to marry Christian and Jewish women, a rule that I suspect in India was bent to include Hindu women as well. Muslim women are limited only to Muslim men. This prohibition is supported by the Quranic scripture and practice. It is unthinkable for a somewhat religious Muslim families to marry their daughter to a non-Muslim man, no matter how nice. It's the very last restriction to go when families assimilate. A Muslim woman wishing to marry a non-Muslim won't find an imam to officiate a wedding. The location of the ceremony doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:08. I know it's hard, when you feel like they had so many choices, but at some level, those people did not speak to her at an emotional level - this catholic guy did. But you, as her sister, have to keep an open mind.

We're Hindu, not Muslim, but a lot of same issues apply. A decade ago, my cousin married an Irish Catholic guy; prior to them getting married, my aunt/uncle tried to convince her to not marry the guy for 3 or 4 *years*. She was steadfast, the guy was patient, and eventually my aunt/uncle gave in. Now most of us cousins are married, mainly to other Hindus. Do you know who is the most respectful son-in-law? The one who touches elders' feet automatically, eats dal-chawal with his hands, makes dosas for kids for sunday morning breakfast, takes his kids to bal vihar when his wife is working, and sat through a 3 hour wedding ceremony, shirtless? My Irish catholic cousin-in-law. Sooo respectful. Way more accommodating than my indian husband or any of my brothers/cousins/etc.

So you never know. You have to give him a chance, see what type of person he is - whether he is willing to take on his future wife's family as his own, as my cousin's spouse has. And I know its different between Islam and Hinduism, but my cousins' children are very very Indian, despite only being half-Indian. They speak our regional language, only eat indian food at home, go to the temple weekly.

At any rate, try to trust that she is looking out for her happiness, not trying to hurt your parents or you. And in the end, you may find your new BIL is a really good human being and that is all that matters in the end.

I understand what you're trying to say, but him being a good person really doesn't make things right for a Muslim family. Marrying a non-Muslim man is scripturally wrong, and all his good qualities would not make this marriage valid; her sister, in fact, cannot even have a Muslim marriage. For a family it's a very hurtful, shameful thing, and a deep sense of failure. The family will receive a lot of backlash and criticism in a Muslim community for this sort of thing.

Maybe he will convert? I did it for my husband and his family was very supportive. It's disgusting how racist you come across on here. Being "Muslim" clearly did not make you a good person. Why did you think would happen by posting on here? Do you think DCUM is full of Indian Muslims?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is southeast Asian (not Indian, but same type of culture) and his family didn't support us being together (I'm white). So guess what? He no longer speaks to them, after his mother called me some untranslatable version of "cunt" for no reason other than that I am white. In fact her first reaction was "why does she have to be WHITE?!?!"

You can't pick who you love. And people who are made to choose, will. It makes me sad, but I stay out of it as best I can.

Yup. If you make your sister choose between her partner and you, and she chooses her partner, don't be surprised.

I am Indian myself and I don't understand this absurd logic. Do you and your parents only want a relationship with your sister if she marries someone you approve of? If so, you didn't love her to begin with, and you are only trying to control her. Let her go. My sibling and I both had intercultural/interreligious marriages. My mom told me that her initial feeling both times was negative but she quickly overcame (as in, I never knew about her negative feelings) and my parents have done nothing but support my marriage. As a result they have a great relationship with their son in law and their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not bigotry like you all think. Culture and family dynamics are quite different when it comes to Indian families.

So you can't be bigoted? Interesting.

OP here.

I deeply resent being called a "bigot" and the other awful comments thrown my way on this thread. There is a lot more at play here than simply the fact that he's white or christian. There is a MASSIVE culture and lifestyle gap between my family and a regular white western family.

Okay, so my sister gets along with this guy. But do they have similar values? Goals? Outlooks? How will they raise their children? What about the fact that our family doesn't drink or party and his family is made up of loud drinking parties. How will the two families ever socialize when they get together? ETC.

It sets up a couple for a lifelong struggle.

My sister likes to think that she's very different from us. You know, maybe she is. But her dating this guy seriously and stepping out of our culture and traditions and associating with a family that is SO FUNDAMENTALLY different than us just means that we will not be involved in her life.

Ok OP, so you are racist, xenophobic and a bigot against other religions. Paint it any color you like, but that's what you are describing.

Actually, the OP is right. Lots of couples marry but then spend their marriage dealing with in-law conflicts due to cultural differences, etc. because they naievely thought that they could blend their families.

OP here. Also, don't get me wrong, my sister is very "westernized". She went to American middle and high schools AND went to college here. Her friendgroup has always consisted of westernized "brown" girls from the Arab world and Iran.

I always expected her to date other westernized muslims, sure. I think so did our parents. I just never imagined she'd step so far outside of what she knows. Right now she says that this is her decision and she knows what she is doing and she will deal with the fallout and the consequences of her choice.

And she's right. All of this is on her. But along with the life long cultural-religious conflict between the two families, what if she wakes up at 35 and decides she wants to go to the Mosque. Other people will ostracize her and any children she has. People change and I dunno...it just seems like such an extreme struggle to set yourself up to. She's young and non religious and has a lot in common with this guy. What happens when its Ramadan and she wants to pray or fast? What will he think?

I just think a lot more thought is required of this situation.

Yeah, I have Muslim friends from India and Pakistan who entered into interreligious/interracial marriages. I am a desi in an interreligious marriage myself. Many of our friends are in intercultural/interreligious marriages. Loving families do not react like this.

Don't pretend that your family's narrow mindedness is widely acceptable. If people in your mosque would ostracize her and her children, it's not a mosque she'll likely want to come home to, anyway. She'll find another community. The only way for her and her family to fit in is if you make room for her, which you clearly are not interested in doing.