Reply to Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic

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[quote=Anonymous]OP again here. I am venting now. You all have no idea how stressful this has been on our family.

We are big happy close family. We enjoy holidays together, special trips, Sunday dinners, summers at our family home.

Everyone was thrilled when BIL was getting remarried. It was obvious her boys were pretty set in their ways. Still everyone did everything they could to accommodate them. My two boys are very close in age to them and they did everything to make them feel welcome. Eventually they were so miserable my DH praised them for their effort but told them enough was enough.

Seriously every family get together with them is nothing but stress. Arguments, tantrums and tears. It is so awkward and uncomfortable.

I am at a rock and a hard place here. I cannot do an adults only party. I've been planning this big birthday for about a year for my dad. I've found friends he hasn't seen in years and invited them. There will be two acoustic performances and I would be horrified for the bands/artists to hear these boys screaming/laughing whatever in the background. Each grandchild is doing something special. A poem, a song, a dance. We have a "movie" of his life. His favorite sit down meal.

If I invited all of them - I have no doubt the boys would have ruined it and my SIL has no qualms about crying and arguing with her husband in front of others.

If I invited none of them - she would have wondered why and eventually the same drama of exclusion would have happened.

So compromised and hoped for once my SIL would get it and admit that maybe just maybe her boys cannot behave and something needs to change.

I get that this is DCUM and all but calling me an asshole and dreadful is really unfair. Think if you were in this situation. I have done everything I can here. 
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