Reply to Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic

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[quote=Anonymous]NP here.  I didn't read the original thread and am only joining this thread now.

OP, you did what you thought was right for the greater good of your original family.  However, to achieve that goal, you did in fact offend your SIL and put your BIL in the position that he had to make a stand to support his new wife.  While you did what was in the best interest of the majority, you did something offensive.  Unfortunately, here you as the instigator, do have to bear the brunt of your SIL's anger because you offended her.  As you can see from the support you're getting, many do agree with your position, but that doesn't make it right, just that it may have been the best option you had at the time.  Again, unfortunately, you do have to bear the consequences.

However, an alternative is to have you and your father and your brother sit down with BIL and SIL, adults only, kids not included.  Apologize for offending her.  Then have a frank discussion that while you as a family are supportive of BIL and his marriage and that you want to include them when possible, that the children's behavior has made it virtually impossible to have a conflict free event such as this birthday.  They, the family can be included at other family events when the children's disruptive behavior will not completely disrupt the celebration.  If they, the new parents, want to take responsibility for the two children and to ensure that they are not disruptive at the event, the entire family can be included.  But that responsiblility means that they have to monitor their children and if they are having tantrums, throwing things, being abusive (to anyone) or otherwise disruptive that it is their responsibility as parents to take those children out of the room or event and calm them down someway, somehow.    If they feel that they are not up to that responsibility, then the boys should stay home.  If they feel they can handle that responsibility, then they can bring the entire family.

Then leave it up to them to make the choice to either accept the responsibility or exclude the children.  The reason that you offended them, was, in part, because you took the choice away from them to handle the problem situation.  You unilaterally (from their perspective) made the choice to exclude the boys rather than identifying the issue and soliciting their help in solving the problem.  You had the best of intentions and had the best interests of the majority in mind, but you did it in a way that gave the offending family no options.[/quote]

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