Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't get to control other people's reaction to you. Just because you feel like you were right to exclude them doesn't mean your SIL has to agree, or that your BIL has to take your side against his wife. If you feel you were right in your decision and it's worth that fall out, then that's that. Move on and stop angsting over it.

Doesn't sound like this situation is that simple.

I think it was chickenshit of the SIL to agree and then cause drama and manipulate the situation. She is being spiteful and ruining it for everyone. Including the what, three other children involved here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's adults-only or ALL kids. Those are your options.

Literally any etiquette book, expert or advice columnist would tell you this.

Right. If you were in this situation you would exclude a 75 year old man's grandchildren or allow two boys who aren't even related to ruin the event.

Sure you would, Miss Post.

How limited is your thinking? Have an adults only, elegant affair. Then have a casual, family only party so that face could be saved if they act up.

That's just one idea off the top of my head. It's called being resourceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THEN JUST THROW AN ADULTS ONLY PARTY FFS

OP shouldn't have to exclude her father's grandchildren because these little animals can't behave. Are you serious?

I'm a PP. They're not his grandchildren. They're not related by blood to that family. The 'animals' belong to other people.

Right, but if OP threw an adults only party she would have to exclude his grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP you Are dreadful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't get to control other people's reaction to you. Just because you feel like you were right to exclude them doesn't mean your SIL has to agree, or that your BIL has to take your side against his wife. If you feel you were right in your decision and it's worth that fall out, then that's that. Move on and stop angsting over it.

Accept the consequences of your actions, OP.

Actually these are the consequences of a mother who has raised unruly rude bullies. OP did nothing wrong here, in fact she went above and beyond. I would have been done with the fart in church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.

I am not sure why I have to "own my behavior". I was thinking of the comfort of my 75 year old father. He has already had to pull these boys aside for farting in church and belching/being nasty at other times. I was advised in the other thread to NOT invite them. Instead of going the easy for me route and just not putting them on the invite I tried to talk to my SIL.

Have you asked your father how he feels? It's his party. Would he rather invite the boys, or deal with ongoing family strife? My guess is he'd rather have the boys there. Your BIL knows his step sons are hellions, and you just need to trust that he'll do his best (and ask his wife to double down) to keep them in line at the party.

Where is the party being held? Can they hang out in another room once they start getting antsy? Another idea is to ask an unbiased third party to keep an eye out for any prolonged outrageous behavior, and designate that person to be the one to discretely ask the mom to please keep the kids in line or take them to another room or home (somebody BIL and SIL either don't know well, or have never met). Maybe somebody from the catering company, even...somebody who appears to be acting on behalf of the venue. And be fair. Do not get on their case for anything you'd otherwise tolerate in other children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's adults-only or ALL kids. Those are your options.

Literally any etiquette book, expert or advice columnist would tell you this.

Right. If you were in this situation you would exclude a 75 year old man's grandchildren or allow two boys who aren't even related to ruin the event.

Sure you would, Miss Post.

How limited is your thinking? Have an adults only, elegant affair. Then have a casual, family only party so that face could be saved if they act up.

That's just one idea off the top of my head. It's called being resourceful.

So OP has to throw two parties for her own father, because this woman cannot control her own children.

It sounds like OP is throwing a very special event, with performances and presentations from the grandchildren. So she should scrap that because you don't think she is being resourceful all to accommodate two children that have been so poorly raised by their mother that they cannot function around others.

Again. Right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. This is your dad's party (not your FIL's party) and the kids are your husband's brother's stepchildren? Why would anyone be offended that your husband's brother's wife's kids weren't invited to your father's party?

I'm as confused as you. As I have said before, my SIL gets very upset and cries to her DH when anyone dares to say something to her boys about their behavior OR when people exclude them (because of their behavior).

It was either not invite them and hope she has a shred of self awareness and is graceful about it. Or invite them and have a very special event for my elderly father ruined.

I'm an asshole right?

Yes you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you Are dreadful.

Wow. OP is dreadful but the SIL and the two terrorists are awesome.

That says a lot about you that you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's adults-only or ALL kids. Those are your options.

Literally any etiquette book, expert or advice columnist would tell you this.

Right. If you were in this situation you would exclude a 75 year old man's grandchildren or allow two boys who aren't even related to ruin the event.

Sure you would, Miss Post.

How limited is your thinking? Have an adults only, elegant affair. Then have a casual, family only party so that face could be saved if they act up.

That's just one idea off the top of my head. It's called being resourceful.

No. Two events are not necessary. The celebration that OP has arranged is enough. Her dad is very close to his grand kids and would be heartbroken if they were not present.

Having a second, family only party just to save face would be enabling. And that's what is wrong with the SIL and her unruly boys now, too much enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.

I am not sure why I have to "own my behavior". I was thinking of the comfort of my 75 year old father. He has already had to pull these boys aside for farting in church and belching/being nasty at other times. I was advised in the other thread to NOT invite them. Instead of going the easy for me route and just not putting them on the invite I tried to talk to my SIL.

Have you asked your father how he feels? It's his party. Would he rather invite the boys, or deal with ongoing family strife? My guess is he'd rather have the boys there. Your BIL knows his step sons are hellions, and you just need to trust that he'll do his best (and ask his wife to double down) to keep them in line at the party.

Where is the party being held? Can they hang out in another room once they start getting antsy? Another idea is to ask an unbiased third party to keep an eye out for any prolonged outrageous behavior, and designate that person to be the one to discretely ask the mom to please keep the kids in line or take them to another room or home (somebody BIL and SIL either don't know well, or have never met). Maybe somebody from the catering company, even...somebody who appears to be acting on behalf of the venue. And be fair. Do not get on their case for anything you'd otherwise tolerate in other children.

My father was in total agreement with my decision. After the summer from hell we all just went through he doesn't want them back at our vacation home either.

Its being held at our club. As I said in my OP, I did say I was fine with them there if she made sure they didn't disrupt the evening and she agreed they would not enjoy themselves and should not attend.

[Anonymous]

Wait...this is for your father, but the problematic family is your husband's brother's family? That makes no sense. Just invite your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. This is your dad's party (not your FIL's party) and the kids are your husband's brother's stepchildren? Why would anyone be offended that your husband's brother's wife's kids weren't invited to your father's party?

I'm as confused as you. As I have said before, my SIL gets very upset and cries to her DH when anyone dares to say something to her boys about their behavior OR when people exclude them (because of their behavior).

It was either not invite them and hope she has a shred of self awareness and is graceful about it. Or invite them and have a very special event for my elderly father ruined.

I'm an asshole right?

Yes you are.

How cute.

So OP bends over backwards to make nice in a stressful situation. To accommodate these unruly boys and worry about her nieces being bullied and her fathers birthday being ruined.

SIL says one thing to OPs face and stirs up drama with her own DH, throws a fit that her horrible children might be excluded because they cannot behave.

And you think OP is the asshole here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you did your best. Your family has tried to parent these boys and has failed. Now it's time for their actual parent, your SIL, to step up to the plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait...this is for your father, but the problematic family is your husband's brother's family? That makes no sense. Just invite your family.

OP???