WWYD in this situation? New husband wants a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your agreement going in was no fertility treatment, and that's what I'd stick with. If you had no children or a strong desire for another my answer might be different. If you ended up with a special needs child would you still be glad you spent all that money for something you didn't really really want in the first place?

We did agree and he's trying to be fair and honor that but I know this is really bothering him and he'd like to try at least once. I know it makes it worse that the problem comes from "his side" of the equation. I think he feels that it's kind of like rubbing salt in the wound. I wish we could table this for a year or two and reassess then but time is not really on our side here. We've only been married 6 months. I really don't know what to do. My gut says not to do it but I don't want to ruin my marriage over this, you know? And I don't want to deny him something he wants so badly. I feel guilty, like he should have looked for a twenty something girl to have babies with instead of a divorced woman with three children already, kwim? I think he really thought we'd be able to have one baby together and that he'd be satisfied with that.

It sounds like this is a deal-breaker. Do you want to keep this marriage or not? Do you care more about the marriage than you care about the pain and hassle of going through IVF? You have to choose. Try IVF and have the baby or cut him loose.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is tough, and I fully understand why you're reluctant to go ahead with the treatments, but I think that if you love your husband you should at least try to do this for him. In your case, I would try this for a relatively short amount of time, to minimize the risk to you.
If you would rather spend 15K on YOUR kids than give him a chance of having his own biological child, you may not love him enough. Maybe it's best to release him and give him a chance to find another partner in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i would look at your budget and have a serious conversation before you go down this path. Depending on my finances, I would agree to do it but have an agreement beforehand that we would not spend more than $x and more than x months before giving up. I think since you agreed to try going into the marriage, and it's very important to him, I would make some additional effort - but definitely not pull out all the stops. I think it will be better for your marriage to try for at least a bit.

She already did try for a bit, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i would look at your budget and have a serious conversation before you go down this path. Depending on my finances, I would agree to do it but have an agreement beforehand that we would not spend more than $x and more than x months before giving up. I think since you agreed to try going into the marriage, and it's very important to him, I would make some additional effort - but definitely not pull out all the stops. I think it will be better for your marriage to try for at least a bit.

She already did try for a bit, though.

[Anonymous]

Can any guidance be taken from your marriage vows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones in your body is such a bullshit excuse. I went through two cycles, it's not bad if you want the end result. Sounds like you don't want the baby so you're making hormones a big deal. Plus 15,000 for your kids is not critical because it's only 5k per child. That will buy them what, one or two courses?

I thought it was wonderful that we lived in an age with this IVF medical help.
He sounds great but you're not willing to suck up one IVF cycle? Tell him one cycle and leave it to fate.

Np here. It is not an excuse - I did ivf and developed breast cancer 2.5 yrs later. As did an acquiantance of mine. I am not sating the treatment were the direct cause of my getting cancer, but I am certain the hormones I took contributed - as apparently does conventional medicine since I was asked a host of questions about fertility treatments by each onco I saw. I hope my story is not common but neither is it unique.

Did you mean that the cancer was discovered 2.5 years later?

I know that sounds pedantic, but cancer typically starts very small and localized and goes unnoticed for years before it reaches a point where it is detectable. Maybe the treatment accelerated the growth, but the cause is usually just genetic.

Everyone has cancer cells in their body. What PP is saying is that the oncologists at least have a hunch that the massive doses fertility drugs caused her body not to be able to fight off the cancer cells when they started growing uncontrollably.

[Anonymous]

it'll probably work, so I'd do it if you want one.

I think you should have really talked this thru more before marriage. I think he wants one.

This could lead to resentment.

What if you divorce. Now you have 4 kids to work out. I just don't know if I could've married a man without kids if I already had them and sort of knew I was done.

[Anonymous]

Is he attached to having a child that is biologically his or simply to having a child that is yours as a couple? If he's not hung up on having a child that is biologically his, what about sperm donation? That would be a considerably less expensive route and avoid the hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is tough, and I fully understand why you're reluctant to go ahead with the treatments, but I think that if you love your husband you should at least try to do this for him. In your case, I would try this for a relatively short amount of time, to minimize the risk to you.
If you would rather spend 15K on YOUR kids than give him a chance of having his own biological child, you may not love him enough. Maybe it's best to release him and give him a chance to find another partner in life.

+1. Husbands and wives should be in the business of supporting each others' dreams. If you don't feel the impulse to do this for him when it comes to something as fundamental as having a biological child, you may not love him enough to be a good life partner to him. Denying him this may create a pain and resentment that will eventually erode your marriage anyway.

[Anonymous]

It's 3 months into the marriage. You have backed yourself into a corner with your age and having to try now now now,
but I still suggest giving it 6 months of reflection and talking about it, especially since you have 3 kids you are most likely helping with this major transition, in addition to the daily difficulties of being teenagers

[Anonymous]

This is a tough situation. I don't blame you for not wanting to go through with IVF and I don't blame him for wanting kids of his own.

Maybe you could go with a surrogate mother?

The problem is that I can see him getting a chip on his shoulder causing him to be less engaged in the relationship and with the kids.

If you don't go through with IVF (and I don't blame you for not wanting to) you need to be realistic about how this will affect him emotionally. He is almost certainly going to feel resentment and grief and you need to address that and make sure that he is supported without dismissing his (valid) feelings but also not letting them fester into a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough situation. I don't blame you for not wanting to go through with IVF and I don't blame him for wanting kids of his own.

Maybe you could go with a surrogate mother?

The problem is that I can see him getting a chip on his shoulder causing him to be less engaged in the relationship and with the kids.

If you don't go through with IVF (and I don't blame you for not wanting to) you need to be realistic about how this will affect him emotionally. He is almost certainly going to feel resentment and grief and you need to address that and make sure that he is supported without dismissing his (valid) feelings but also not letting them fester into a problem.

How is a using a surrogate going to help? If the husband wants a biological child with the OP, she will still have to undergo IVF to create their embryo. If the husband is OK with using donor eggs and surrogate it will cost in excess of $100,000.

[Anonymous]

IVF is cheaper than adoption of surrogacy. If I were OP I'd probably do it. Although I don't think I would have opened that door in the first place.

But I wouldn't loose a great husband/step parent over this.

[Anonymous]

Answer honestly if the shoe was in the other foot. If you had no children of your own and you married a guy with 3 school aged children and involved mother and he agreed that you guys would try to have at least one child together but no extradinary measures, what would you want him to do if you had a condition that required extra measures to get pregnant? Would you want him to say, sorry, that doesn't meet the terms of the agreement? Oh, and you broke up with your ex because he didn't want to have kids?If you can honestly say that you would want stick with the agreement and not want to pursue IVF in that scenario than I think it is fair that you are treating him the way you would want to be treated. If you can honestly say you would be upset if he wasn't willing to even try to fulfill your dream of being a mother, than don't do that to him.

[Anonymous]

Hello OP, I don't think you should go through with the IVF.

Your DH is not your children's "uncle" but their stepdad.

I have a friend who has only one grandparent left in her children's lives. And that is her stepmom.

It sounds to me like you have some issues in how you, your DH, and your children see each other's roles as a family unit. Money seems to factor in to the role of your ex-DH. Yes he is their biological father, but your DH may one day be their sole provider or caretaker. Maybe if he felt more as a stepdad instead of an "uncle" he wouldn't feel this desire to have his own biological child.