WWYD in this situation? New husband wants a baby

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess you can tell from my posts that I am very happy and thankful for what we have and don't really feel the need to change anything. But I know he does which is where my indecision comes in.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, that is a hard one. In your case, I might try the IVF once. Yes, I think with natural cycle you probably wouldn't need as many hormones. And it might be cheaper.

We were unexplained secondary infertile and did 3 rounds if iui for around $3k at givf (in the end, we wound up pregnant without help, but Sperm count wasn't an issue for us, although low morphology was). Some of the places offer deals like that-I think shady grove has a shared risk pool or something where you pay in a chunk of money for a several IVF attempts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, so tough. It would depend for me on how badly DH wanted a child. I would consider reneging on the agreement just because I know how important my kids are to me.

Saying that, kids made my marriage a lot more challenging and we fought more, especially when the kids were little and really needy and no one was getting enough sleep. It sounds to me like you already have a lot of potentially challenging dynamics with 3 kids of your own, a new marriage and your new DH finding his place with your kids.

Was he a bachelor before? How is he settling into a more of a family lifestyle?

Yes this is his first marriage. He was previously in a very long relationship with a woman who ultimately decided she didn't want kids, which is why they never married and eventually split up. He is *such* a good stepdad to my children. He is truly wonderful with them. He is caring and willing to do pick up/drop offs, make dinner, braid hair, help with homework, etc. etc. but he never over steps with them. He is very respectful of the fact that they have their own father. He's kind of like a really good, involved uncle. They live with us half of the week (Sunday through Wednesday).

That's wonderful, OP. It sounds like you got a good one. I think the question is whether or not your DH can be at peace without having (or trying to have) a child of his own. Depending on how he feels that would have a great deal of impact on my decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that is a hard one. In your case, I might try the IVF once. Yes, I think with natural cycle you probably wouldn't need as many hormones. And it might be cheaper.

We were unexplained secondary infertile and did 3 rounds if iui for around $3k at givf (in the end, we wound up pregnant without help, but Sperm count wasn't an issue for us, although low morphology was). Some of the places offer deals like that-I think shady grove has a shared risk pool or something where you pay in a chunk of money for a several IVF attempts.

OP is too old for the shared risk programs if she will be using her own eggs. There are other discount packages offered at Shady Grive but it is still very expensive paying out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that is a hard one. In your case, I might try the IVF once. Yes, I think with natural cycle you probably wouldn't need as many hormones. And it might be cheaper.

We were unexplained secondary infertile and did 3 rounds if iui for around $3k at givf (in the end, we wound up pregnant without help, but Sperm count wasn't an issue for us, although low morphology was). Some of the places offer deals like that-I think shady grove has a shared risk pool or something where you pay in a chunk of money for a several IVF attempts.

OP is too old for the shared risk programs if she will be using her own eggs. There are other discount packages offered at Shady Grive but it is still very expensive paying out of pocket.

Good to know. I never personally explored IVF, I was just mentioning some places have discounted programs for multiple attempts. And that I think natural cycle is cheaper that full IVF.

[Anonymous]

How old is your husband?

[Anonymous]

Whatever you decide, just be honest with him.

I was in the opposite situation. First marriage for me. Much older husband had three young adults.

My husband agreed to have children. But secretly, he was ambivalent. Although I was very honest with him, he was in denial, loved the idea of having a much younger wife but grossly underestimated how important raising a family was for me. He stalled, threw up roadblocks, did not cooperate, reneged on a promise to do IVF until it was no longer feasible.. He thought maybe I would outgrow it and his adult kids were so awesome, it would be enough for me. He was wrong. It destroyed us. And now it is too late for me.

It is such a cruel thing to do to someone you love.

Make your decision quickly and let him know so he can decide to stay or go depending on how important this is to him.

[Anonymous]

No.

I wouldn't do it. And, I wouldn't allow anyone to make me feel bad about it.

I have had my children. I'm done. Any upcoming partner will know that my womb is closed for business.

Talk it through, OP. I don't see what else you can do. How much did you discuss this prior to marriage? It seems like you both were resolute in your shared decision not to engage any fertility treatments from the onset. This is a huge issue; one that I would not budge an inch on. What has you re-examining your decision?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I know a guy who married his hot young second wife and said he'd think about it-he'd even had the big v and told her maybe he'd reverse it.

As far as I know, no kids yet...and she's not getting younger.

Although in her case, he showers her with fancy gifts and takes her on expensive trips all the time. Having money can certainly mask the problem for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you decide, just be honest with him.

I was in the opposite situation. First marriage for me. Much older husband had three young adults.

My husband agreed to have children. But secretly, he was ambivalent. Although I was very honest with him, he was in denial, loved the idea of having a much younger wife but grossly underestimated how important raising a family was for me. He stalled, threw up roadblocks, did not cooperate, reneged on a promise to do IVF until it was no longer feasible.. He thought maybe I would outgrow it and his adult kids were so awesome, it would be enough for me. He was wrong. It destroyed us. And now it is too late for me.

It is such a cruel thing to do to someone you love.

Make your decision quickly and let him know so he can decide to stay or go depending on how important this is to him.

I totally agree with this. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time but keep the deadline serious. I would probably say like 3 months. In three months make your decision and mean it. I think its kinder to let someone go (if he so chooses) then be ambivalent for months/years. I think that can destroy a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you can tell from my posts that I am very happy and thankful for what we have and don't really feel the need to change anything. But I know he does which is where my indecision comes in.

Maybe seeing his relationship with the children deepen over time will free you from this indecision? Some men are able to view their legacy through the children they love and raise. Their commitment and satisfaction aren't determined by biological relationship. Here's hoping your DH is one of these wonderful men!

[Anonymous]

I think the indecision about the treatments in probably because the fertility issues may be on his side, not hers.

She loves him and understands he really would like a biological child of his own.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of natural cycle IVF as a middle of the road option. I don't think there are any hormones; you do get anesthesia for the egg retrieval (an easy minor surgical procedure). Not all clinics offer it, which is probably why your dr. did not mention it. Shady grove does not do it because the success rate is not great, especially compared to regular IVF. But that would be my vote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might be a candidate for a natural cycle IVF. Would you consider that?

Does that mean no hormone injections? I don't know if we'd be candidates because that is not the treatment program the doctor suggested for us.

We dealt with male factor infertility. Don't think natural IVF would be an option. When there is a quality/quantity issue with sperm they inject the sperm into the eggs and you want more eggs available to increase odds of viable embryos.

I wish you well with your decision, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you decide, just be honest with him.

I was in the opposite situation. First marriage for me. Much older husband had three young adults.

My husband agreed to have children. But secretly, he was ambivalent. Although I was very honest with him, he was in denial, loved the idea of having a much younger wife but grossly underestimated how important raising a family was for me. He stalled, threw up roadblocks, did not cooperate, reneged on a promise to do IVF until it was no longer feasible.. He thought maybe I would outgrow it and his adult kids were so awesome, it would be enough for me. He was wrong. It destroyed us. And now it is too late for me.

It is such a cruel thing to do to someone you love.

Make your decision quickly and let him know so he can decide to stay or go depending on how important this is to him.

This is such a sad story