WWYD in this situation? New husband wants a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, so tough. It would depend for me on how badly DH wanted a child. I would consider reneging on the agreement just because I know how important my kids are to me.

Saying that, kids made my marriage a lot more challenging and we fought more, especially when the kids were little and really needy and no one was getting enough sleep. It sounds to me like you already have a lot of potentially challenging dynamics with 3 kids of your own, a new marriage and your new DH finding his place with your kids.

Was he a bachelor before? How is he settling into a more of a family lifestyle?

Yes this is his first marriage. He was previously in a very long relationship with a woman who ultimately decided she didn't want kids, which is why they never married and eventually split up. He is *such* a good stepdad to my children. He is truly wonderful with them. He is caring and willing to do pick up/drop offs, make dinner, braid hair, help with homework, etc. etc. but he never over steps with them. He is very respectful of the fact that they have their own father. He's kind of like a really good, involved uncle. They live with us half of the week (Sunday through Wednesday).

Will he stay or will he go if you decide not to do it? Regardless of prior agreements, are you willing to lose him over this?

[Anonymous]

You really need to talk to your husband about this, perhaps with the help of a couples counselor. Whatever agreement you had before, it sounds like your husband may have changed his mind, which is his prerogative. It is also your prerogative to stick with the initial agreement, no one is right or wrong here. You two need to get to a really clear understanding of each other's feelings, and how strongly you feel about them. It's possible that now that he's had this time parenting your children (even in an "uncle" way), he's feeling the pull for his own child that much more. If you say no to IVF, is there a chance he'll leave to find someone else who does want kids? If so, do you feel strongly enough about not doing IVF to give up your marriage? These are things that you need to talk about.

You really need to talk about it soon, though. There's no reason to go through fertility testing if you're not planning to go through fertility treatments, and so by going along with this testing, you've already signaled to him that you're open to fertility treatments. If there answer there is a hard no for you, you need to make that very clear to him. It's cruel otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to post this on the infertility board because the mention of my children might seem cruel but I can't explain the situation without mentioning them. Ok I'm about to turn 38 and I am recently remarried. I had three children in my late twenties and early thirties with my first husband. They are now 12, 10, and 8. My new husband would like to have a child with me and I knew that going in. We agreed that we would try but would not seek out infertility treatments (I got pregnant easily with my three but worried about having trouble AMA. I assumed the difficulty, if any popped up, would come from my side). Anyway, it turns out that the problem is with his sperm (not enough and there is a morphology issue as well). Anyway, we were advised to start IVF plus icsi as soon as possible if we are serious. Chance of getting pregnant naturally are slim to none.

I *really* don't want to do IVF. I don't want to put my body through the hormone injections. But this is probably because I already have three children who mean the world to me and, as a consequence, I don't really feel that much of a pull for another. It's a nice to have but not a need to have, kwim? I'm sure it would be a different story if I didn't have any children. I'm sure I would have been devastated by this diagnosis and determined to move heaven and earth to make it happen. My husband falls more along this line of thinking. He doesn't have any biological children of his own and really wants to try. He is very fond of my kids and they get along well but they already have a father whom they are very close to, which is as it should be. Should I try the ivf for him? Is it fair to deny him a child because I don't want to do the hormones? Then there is the money issue. We were quoted about 15k for the procedure. That is a lot of money that could be spent on college funds for my existing kids who I feel more of a responsibility towards.

Anyway, wwyd? What do you think I should do?

This is a tough one OP. You agreed to wanting kids, but only if it came naturally. Your age, plus IVF makes it just too risky. You're asking for trouble with regards to having a healthy baby.

Assuming you're current 3 are all healthy, you are very lucky so don't play Russian Roulette. This is the what I'd tell my best friend if she asked me this same question.

If he wants kids "of his own", consider a surrogate or adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to post this on the infertility board because the mention of my children might seem cruel but I can't explain the situation without mentioning them. Ok I'm about to turn 38 and I am recently remarried. I had three children in my late twenties and early thirties with my first husband. They are now 12, 10, and 8. My new husband would like to have a child with me and I knew that going in. We agreed that we would try but would not seek out infertility treatments (I got pregnant easily with my three but worried about having trouble AMA. I assumed the difficulty, if any popped up, would come from my side). Anyway, it turns out that the problem is with his sperm (not enough and there is a morphology issue as well). Anyway, we were advised to start IVF plus icsi as soon as possible if we are serious. Chance of getting pregnant naturally are slim to none.

I *really* don't want to do IVF. I don't want to put my body through the hormone injections. But this is probably because I already have three children who mean the world to me and, as a consequence, I don't really feel that much of a pull for another. It's a nice to have but not a need to have, kwim? I'm sure it would be a different story if I didn't have any children. I'm sure I would have been devastated by this diagnosis and determined to move heaven and earth to make it happen. My husband falls more along this line of thinking. He doesn't have any biological children of his own and really wants to try. He is very fond of my kids and they get along well but they already have a father whom they are very close to, which is as it should be. Should I try the ivf for him? Is it fair to deny him a child because I don't want to do the hormones? Then there is the money issue. We were quoted about 15k for the procedure. That is a lot of money that could be spent on college funds for my existing kids who I feel more of a responsibility towards.

Anyway, wwyd? What do you think I should do?

This is a tough one OP. You agreed to wanting kids, but only if it came naturally. Your age, plus IVF makes it just too risky. You're asking for trouble with regards to having a healthy baby.

Assuming you're current 3 are all healthy, you are very lucky so don't play Russian Roulette. This is the what I'd tell my best friend if she asked me this same question.

If he wants kids "of his own", consider a surrogate or adoption.

Oh for petesake, OP is 38, not 50.

[Anonymous]

A surrogate is not a bad thought. Although very pricey.

[Anonymous]

Anyway, wwyd? What do you think I should do?

This is a tough one OP. You agreed to wanting kids, but only if it came naturally. Your age, plus IVF makes it just too risky. You're asking for trouble with regards to having a healthy baby.

Assuming you're current 3 are all healthy, you are very lucky so don't play Russian Roulette. This is the what I'd tell my best friend if she asked me this same question.

If he wants kids "of his own", consider a surrogate or adoption.

Oh for petesake, OP is 38, not 50.

Agreed. And how would a surrogate help? Her uterus is fine. And, IVF babies have no higher risk of complications than any other babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A surrogate is not a bad thought. Although very pricey.

Do you people not understand what a surrogate is? It's still her egg and his sperm. She doesn't need another woman to carry the baby for her.

[Anonymous]

I would try it once, as a gift of love. It sounds very important to your dh.
I underwent years of fertility struggles to have my children. I am so grateful my spouse stuck it out with me.

And I don't really get your concern about the hormones - especially for one attempt. It is not the most pleasant thing in the world, but not the worst either - and it's temporary.

[Anonymous]

Get a consult at Dominion in Arlington about their natural IVF cycle. You wouldn't stim but you would retrieve what egg(s) you naturally produce.

For your dh, look at having him take Fertilaid for men. It's basically vitamins to improve male fertility. Switch to boxers, no briefs. No cell phone in his front pocket. No laptop on his lap. Does he bicycle? Cut that out if he does. Is he on any meds at all? Things that seem unrelated can impact male sperm count. Basically he should do everything he can to improve his numbers, whether you pursue some form of IVF or not.

[Anonymous]

Infant adoption maybe? Or is that he wants to pass on his DNA.

I was also in the same situation, only it was my husband who had kids (I had none). We decided we'd try for a year and if it happened, it happened. If not, no infertility treatment. The difference was I could go either way as far as having kids.

I think if my spouse passionately wanted a child, I'd try. But I realize that's a very personal, individual decision. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A surrogate is not a bad thought. Although very pricey.

Do you people not understand what a surrogate is? It's still her egg and his sperm. She doesn't need another woman to carry the baby for her.

Actually you do not understand what a surrogate is either.

Surrogate= surrogate's egg + DH sperm= no genetic or biological connection to DW

Gestational carrier = DW's egg + DH's sperm to make an embryo that is then transferred into the uterus of a gestational carrier, which hopefully implants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a consult at Dominion in Arlington about their natural IVF cycle. You wouldn't stim but you would retrieve what egg(s) you naturally produce.

For your dh, look at having him take Fertilaid for men. It's basically vitamins to improve male fertility. Switch to boxers, no briefs. No cell phone in his front pocket. No laptop on his lap. Does he bicycle? Cut that out if he does. Is he on any meds at all? Things that seem unrelated can impact male sperm count. Basically he should do everything he can to improve his numbers, whether you pursue some form of IVF or not.

This. NCIVF is a nice happy-medium that is low-invasive and more affordable than traditional IVF. Since this is not your first child, you have a much better chance than other 38yo FTMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A surrogate is not a bad thought. Although very pricey.

Do you people not understand what a surrogate is? It's still her egg and his sperm. She doesn't need another woman to carry the baby for her.

Actually you do not understand what a surrogate is either.

Surrogate= surrogate's egg + DH sperm= no genetic or biological connection to DW

Gestational carrier = DW's egg + DH's sperm to make an embryo that is then transferred into the uterus of a gestational carrier, which hopefully implants.

Traditional surrogacy is pretty rare these days. Most people mean gestational carrier when they reference a surrogate.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest solo counseling for DH and then a couple sessions for you and him.

You certainly can say no. I think you have been more than fair in agreeing to try with three kids already. But do acknowledge his loss and disappointment in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might be a candidate for a natural cycle IVF. Would you consider that?

Does that mean no hormone injections? I don't know if we'd be candidates because that is not the treatment program the doctor suggested for us.

Not all clinics offer it. That's most likely why your RE did not suggest it.