WWYD in this situation? New husband wants a baby

[Anonymous]

I don't want to post this on the infertility board because the mention of my children might seem cruel but I can't explain the situation without mentioning them. Ok I'm about to turn 38 and I am recently remarried. I had three children in my late twenties and early thirties with my first husband. They are now 12, 10, and 8. My new husband would like to have a child with me and I knew that going in. We agreed that we would try but would not seek out infertility treatments (I got pregnant easily with my three but worried about having trouble AMA. I assumed the difficulty, if any popped up, would come from my side). Anyway, it turns out that the problem is with his sperm (not enough and there is a morphology issue as well). Anyway, we were advised to start IVF plus icsi as soon as possible if we are serious. Chance of getting pregnant naturally are slim to none.

I *really* don't want to do IVF. I don't want to put my body through the hormone injections. But this is probably because I already have three children who mean the world to me and, as a consequence, I don't really feel that much of a pull for another. It's a nice to have but not a need to have, kwim? I'm sure it would be a different story if I didn't have any children. I'm sure I would have been devastated by this diagnosis and determined to move heaven and earth to make it happen. My husband falls more along this line of thinking. He doesn't have any biological children of his own and really wants to try. He is very fond of my kids and they get along well but they already have a father whom they are very close to, which is as it should be. Should I try the ivf for him? Is it fair to deny him a child because I don't want to do the hormones? Then there is the money issue. We were quoted about 15k for the procedure. That is a lot of money that could be spent on college funds for my existing kids who I feel more of a responsibility towards.

Anyway, wwyd? What do you think I should do?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand all the acronyms (AMA?) but, anyway, we can't answer this. Sorry. This is your decision.

When in doubt, go with your gut. Your gut is saying no.

(from a guy)

[Anonymous]

AMA = advanced maternal age

[Anonymous]

Your agreement going in was no fertility treatment, and that's what I'd stick with. If you had no children or a strong desire for another my answer might be different. If you ended up with a special needs child would you still be glad you spent all that money for something you didn't really really want in the first place?

[Anonymous]

You knew he wanted a baby when you got married. Now circumstances have changed in your mind but probably not in his. I think therapy is the way through this - couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

OP, you might be a candidate for a natural cycle IVF. Would you consider that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your agreement going in was no fertility treatment, and that's what I'd stick with. If you had no children or a strong desire for another my answer might be different. If you ended up with a special needs child would you still be glad you spent all that money for something you didn't really really want in the first place?

We did agree and he's trying to be fair and honor that but I know this is really bothering him and he'd like to try at least once. I know it makes it worse that the problem comes from "his side" of the equation. I think he feels that it's kind of like rubbing salt in the wound. I wish we could table this for a year or two and reassess then but time is not really on our side here. We've only been married 6 months. I really don't know what to do. My gut says not to do it but I don't want to ruin my marriage over this, you know? And I don't want to deny him something he wants so badly. I feel guilty, like he should have looked for a twenty something girl to have babies with instead of a divorced woman with three children already, kwim? I think he really thought we'd be able to have one baby together and that he'd be satisfied with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might be a candidate for a natural cycle IVF. Would you consider that?

Does that mean no hormone injections? I don't know if we'd be candidates because that is not the treatment program the doctor suggested for us.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it OP. I'm with you: I wouldn't want those extra hormones in my body if I could possibly help it. I would worry about the possibility of cancer, etc. down the line. It's a great option for people who can't otherwise have a child and would be facing lifelong childlessness (in that case I would take the risk). But you already have three children. Why risk it?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, so tough. It would depend for me on how badly DH wanted a child. I would consider reneging on the agreement just because I know how important my kids are to me.

Saying that, kids made my marriage a lot more challenging and we fought more, especially when the kids were little and really needy and no one was getting enough sleep. It sounds to me like you already have a lot of potentially challenging dynamics with 3 kids of your own, a new marriage and your new DH finding his place with your kids.

Was he a bachelor before? How is he settling into a more of a family lifestyle?

[Anonymous]

I would do it once.

[Anonymous]

OP do you even have room in your house and the money to support four children? Four is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do it once.

New poster here. I don't know, I think this leads to a slippery slope, especially as REs will tell you that you should try again because they will change the protocol slightly to improve your chances. Having gone through it myself and seeing others get sucked in, I would say the thinking of "just once" doesn't really happen. More likely that you will try 3-4 times before giving up (or hopefully being successful).

[Anonymous]

We were in this situation. My husband had previous kids, I had none. He could not have any more biological kids so we ended up adopting. He was hesitant but agreed (and now glad he did). I don't think I'd ever be happy in our marriage if he said no. Its very different being a step-parent and a parent. He has income to support his future children as it is your and you ex's responsibility to support your mutual children (and if he helps great). I didn't want those hormones in my body and worried about the future impact on children, which is why we choose to adopt. There is no right answer, but I would have been devastated if we had not tried to adopt (even if we were not successful).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, so tough. It would depend for me on how badly DH wanted a child. I would consider reneging on the agreement just because I know how important my kids are to me.

Saying that, kids made my marriage a lot more challenging and we fought more, especially when the kids were little and really needy and no one was getting enough sleep. It sounds to me like you already have a lot of potentially challenging dynamics with 3 kids of your own, a new marriage and your new DH finding his place with your kids.

Was he a bachelor before? How is he settling into a more of a family lifestyle?

Yes this is his first marriage. He was previously in a very long relationship with a woman who ultimately decided she didn't want kids, which is why they never married and eventually split up. He is *such* a good stepdad to my children. He is truly wonderful with them. He is caring and willing to do pick up/drop offs, make dinner, braid hair, help with homework, etc. etc. but he never over steps with them. He is very respectful of the fact that they have their own father. He's kind of like a really good, involved uncle. They live with us half of the week (Sunday through Wednesday).