WWYD in this situation? New husband wants a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, wwyd? What do you think I should do?

This is a tough one OP. You agreed to wanting kids, but only if it came naturally. Your age, plus IVF makes it just too risky. You're asking for trouble with regards to having a healthy baby.

Assuming you're current 3 are all healthy, you are very lucky so don't play Russian Roulette. This is the what I'd tell my best friend if she asked me this same question.

If he wants kids "of his own", consider a surrogate or adoption.

Oh for petesake, OP is 38, not 50.

Agreed. And how would a surrogate help? Her uterus is fine. And, IVF babies have no higher risk of complications than any other babies.

Russian roulette LMAO. Go to SG or similar clinic and find out the average age of successful IVF patients. 38 is not old. I saw a lot of older women in the waiting rooms. I was then 35.

What a drama queen! Russian roulette?!! Get some education.
Agree with the above posters. I have been through three IVF cycles and at 41 I was not the oldest at my clinic.

[Anonymous]

I would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormones in your body is such a bullshit excuse. I went through two cycles, it's not bad if you want the end result. Sounds like you don't want the baby so you're making hormones a big deal. Plus 15,000 for your kids is not critical because it's only 5k per child. That will buy them what, one or two courses?

I thought it was wonderful that we lived in an age with this IVF medical help.
He sounds great but you're not willing to suck up one IVF cycle? Tell him one cycle and leave it to fate.

Np here. It is not an excuse - I did ivf and developed breast cancer 2.5 yrs later. As did an acquiantance of mine. I am not sating the treatment were the direct cause of my getting cancer, but I am certain the hormones I took contributed - as apparently does conventional medicine since I was asked a host of questions about fertility treatments by each onco I saw. I hope my story is not common but neither is it unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hormones in your body is such a bullshit excuse. I went through two cycles, it's not bad if you want the end result. Sounds like you don't want the baby so you're making hormones a big deal. Plus 15,000 for your kids is not critical because it's only 5k per child. That will buy them what, one or two courses?

I thought it was wonderful that we lived in an age with this IVF medical help.
He sounds great but you're not willing to suck up one IVF cycle? Tell him one cycle and leave it to fate.

Np here. It is not an excuse - I did ivf and developed breast cancer 2.5 yrs later. As did an acquiantance of mine. I am not sating the treatment were the direct cause of my getting cancer, but I am certain the hormones I took contributed - as apparently does conventional medicine since I was asked a host of questions about fertility treatments by each onco I saw. I hope my story is not common but neither is it unique.

Did you mean that the cancer was discovered 2.5 years later?

I know that sounds pedantic, but cancer typically starts very small and localized and goes unnoticed for years before it reaches a point where it is detectable. Maybe the treatment accelerated the growth, but the cause is usually just genetic.

[Anonymous]

Yikes OP! This one is a toughie.

If your husband currently wants children in a bad way, meaning it is something extremely high on his priority list, I think you should try to for him. After all, as you stated in your posting, you both had agreed going into the marriage that you both wanted an add'l child.

Life just threw a wrench into your plans which is unfortunate.

However, it seems the desire for more children is something that you are willing to compromise on. Is your husband as well?

Finally, have you considered adopting a child?

There are so many options for becoming a parent, even surrogacy may be an option.

I would discuss this more in depth w/your husband.

Whatever you both decide, I wish you both all the luck in the world going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you can tell from my posts that I am very happy and thankful for what we have and don't really feel the need to change anything. But I know he does which is where my indecision comes in.

You are very happy, but is he? Your needs are met by your children, but his are not. Going into this marriage you knew he wanted a child.

Leave the OP alone. She knew; they agreed to try without intervention. He has sperm issue that might require infertility treatment for her. He is obviously a mature person who wants kids, but he's not going to leave the OP over this. It's not about keeping a man happy by giving him a baby.

OP, personally, I would post your question about treatments in the Infertility forum. You're not being insensitive. You'll get more knowledgeable responses than in OT. (Even a guy who didn't know what AMA meant gave you an answer.)

Obviously you were never in OP husband's situation. Her kids are not his kids and its not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you can tell from my posts that I am very happy and thankful for what we have and don't really feel the need to change anything. But I know he does which is where my indecision comes in.

You are very happy, but is he? Your needs are met by your children, but his are not. Going into this marriage you knew he wanted a child.

Leave the OP alone. She knew; they agreed to try without intervention. He has sperm issue that might require infertility treatment for her. He is obviously a mature person who wants kids, but he's not going to leave the OP over this. It's not about keeping a man happy by giving him a baby.

OP, personally, I would post your question about treatments in the Infertility forum. You're not being insensitive. You'll get more knowledgeable responses than in OT. (Even a guy who didn't know what AMA meant gave you an answer.)

Obviously you were never in OP husband's situation. Her kids are not his kids and its not the same thing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try it once, as a gift of love. It sounds very important to your dh.
I underwent years of fertility struggles to have my children. I am so grateful my spouse stuck it out with me.

And I don't really get your concern about the hormones - especially for one attempt. It is not the most pleasant thing in the world, but not the worst either - and it's temporary.

I agree with this. Technically since you agreed to no fertility treatments, you could say tough luck, no kids for him. But he sounds like a great guy who would make an amazing father and you are open to another child and knew how badly he wants to be a dad. If I were you, I would absolutely try. Seeing my husband rock our baby girl, how much he delights in our toddler son...I just can't imagine denying him that.

[Anonymous]

Hell no to hormones. You have 3 other children to live for and you had an agreement. I agree with others about considering adoption or surrogacy. You would be highly resentful if there were complications or a cancer scare after this. That risk is meant for people without kids altogether. Sounds unfair to your current children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no to hormones. You have 3 other children to live for and you had an agreement. I agree with others about considering adoption or surrogacy. You would be highly resentful if there were complications or a cancer scare after this. That risk is meant for people without kids altogether. Sounds unfair to your current children.

How is it unfair to her kids? Lots of things are unfair in her choices. She married a man with no kids who wants kids. At least give it her best effort so if it doesn't happen they did try. Or, she should have never married him knowing having kids/family is important to him.

[Anonymous]

I would try. The hormones excuse is just that. But you have to want this,OP. And those suggesting surrogacy have said nothing about the cost. It is sky high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your agreement going in was no fertility treatment, and that's what I'd stick with. If you had no children or a strong desire for another my answer might be different. If you ended up with a special needs child would you still be glad you spent all that money for something you didn't really really want in the first place?

This. You already agreed no fertility treatments. You have zero obligation to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to post this on the infertility board because the mention of my children might seem cruel but I can't explain the situation without mentioning them. Ok I'm about to turn 38 and I am recently remarried. I had three children in my late twenties and early thirties with my first husband. They are now 12, 10, and 8. My new husband would like to have a child with me and I knew that going in. We agreed that we would try but would not seek out infertility treatments (I got pregnant easily with my three but worried about having trouble AMA. I assumed the difficulty, if any popped up, would come from my side). Anyway, it turns out that the problem is with his sperm (not enough and there is a morphology issue as well). Anyway, we were advised to start IVF plus icsi as soon as possible if we are serious. Chance of getting pregnant naturally are slim to none.

I *really* don't want to do IVF. I don't want to put my body through the hormone injections. But this is probably because I already have three children who mean the world to me and, as a consequence, I don't really feel that much of a pull for another. It's a nice to have but not a need to have, kwim? I'm sure it would be a different story if I didn't have any children. I'm sure I would have been devastated by this diagnosis and determined to move heaven and earth to make it happen. My husband falls more along this line of thinking. He doesn't have any biological children of his own and really wants to try. He is very fond of my kids and they get along well but they already have a father whom they are very close to, which is as it should be. Should I try the ivf for him? Is it fair to deny him a child because I don't want to do the hormones? Then there is the money issue. We were quoted about 15k for the procedure. That is a lot of money that could be spent on college funds for my existing kids who I feel more of a responsibility towards.

Anyway, wwyd? What do you think I should do?

This is a tough one OP. You agreed to wanting kids, but only if it came naturally. Your age, plus IVF makes it just too risky. You're asking for trouble with regards to having a healthy baby.

Assuming you're current 3 are all healthy, you are very lucky so don't play Russian Roulette. This is the what I'd tell my best friend if she asked me this same question.

If he wants kids "of his own", consider a surrogate or adoption.

38 may be AMA but that is different from saying its too risky to have a healthy baby. Yes, some risks go up, but OP has already had 3 healthy children. Her risks are different from the overall populational risks of a 38 yo. You are being a little Henny Penny here.

Given what OP has said about the cost of IVF vs cost of college, it's crazy to consider surrogacy instead of doing IVF herself.

signed a mom who had a healthy 2nd child at 38 like many other 38 yo women do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no to hormones. You have 3 other children to live for and you had an agreement. I agree with others about considering adoption or surrogacy. You would be highly resentful if there were complications or a cancer scare after this. That risk is meant for people without kids altogether. Sounds unfair to your current children.

Surrogacy with donor eggs? It will cost north of $100,000. Adoption ain't cheap either. OP is already concerned about the $15,000 cost of an IVF cycle.

[Anonymous]

OP, as I read your posts, you don't sound like you want another child. (He wants to have a child with me. Not: We want to have a child together.) Why would you even say you wouldn't pursue fertility treatments as part of the agreement? The thing is either decision moving forward could damage your marriage. IVF treatments, you're resentful. None, he's resentful. Maybe counseling? Second marriages often fail.

Good luck.