WWYD in this situation? New husband wants a baby

[Anonymous]

OP shouldn't be guilted into IVF and that's exactly what it is. Men get off so easily here its ridiculous. IVF isn't the only option. Try some naturopathic options for him first. A woman with 3 older kids with an agreement that IVF would not be an option should not have to change to prove she loves him enough. It's her body. What is HE doing other than really wanting a kid of his own? If kids were so important to him, why wasn't he married several years ago? This is what we tell women, right? What if 1 time doesn't work...will he resent her if she doesn't try a 2nd time? It's a slippery slope.

OP, if your gut says no, don't make such a permanent decision. Once he gets over his disappointment, he should understand the risks involved for you. He could be great with your kids because they're older and he gets weekends away from parenting regularly. That doesn't mean he will be good with a newborn/infant/toddler at home 7 days a week.

[Anonymous]

On a similar note - I have an acquaintance who had four children who met and married a younger man in what seemed to be a fairytale romance. He loved her kids, but wanted one of their own, too. She really did not want more children, but wanted to make the new husband happy. So in her mid-40s, this woman underwent complicated and stressful IVF with donor egg, pregnancy complications, bed rest, etc. that ended with a beautiful baby girl doted on by everyone in the family.

Fast forward a few years and the DH decided he was not so much into family life - he moved out, they divorced, and gave her primary custody of the daughter he fought so hard to create. Of course she loves her daughter but is now back in the trenches of early childhood with an indifferent co-parent.

I would highly recommend couples counseling to make sure both of you have a chance to really talk through all your feelings and their consequences honestly and thoroughly. It sounds like a very tough decision for both of you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the bump. I was searching another topic and this came up.

What did you decide to do OP?

[Anonymous]

He sounds awesome. I would try once. Imagine if it were you in his shoes?

[Anonymous]

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No.

I wouldn't do it. And, I wouldn't allow anyone to make me feel bad about it.

I have had my children. I'm done. Any upcoming partner will know that my womb is closed for business.

Talk it through, OP. I don't see what else you can do. How much did you discuss this prior to marriage? It seems like you both were resolute in your shared decision not to engage any fertility treatments from the onset. This is a huge issue; one that I would not budge an inch on. What has you re-examining your decision?

This. You agreed to try to conceive naturally, but not to undergo infertility treatments. I would not do it.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else think it is bizarre that the DH in this situation has twice got involved with a woman who doesn't want to have kids with him?

Makes me think that (1) it's a troll (2) the DH does not actually want children but cannot face this so is deliberately choosing women who are unlikely to give him one, then he can blame them for this situation instead of realizing he choose these particular women for this very reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think it is bizarre that the DH in this situation has twice got involved with a woman who doesn't want to have kids with him?

Makes me think that (1) it's a troll (2) the DH does not actually want children but cannot face this so is deliberately choosing women who are unlikely to give him one, then he can blame them for this situation instead of realizing he choose these particular women for this very reason.

You bring up an interesting point. But, I'm giving him the benefit of doubt and maybe he really does want kids. ALot of people get into relationships when young 20s or whatever and either don't discuss the important things at all or assume their partner will change their mind down the road. Maybe he thought he had a sure thing with someone who had already chosen to have kids. I can't say. I do hope OP and her husband were able to resolve things someway.

[Anonymous]

I was AMA (37) when DH & I got married and we wanted to be parents so much. We discovered that he had the fertility issue. Extremely low count, morphology & motility issues. So then we were in similar shoes to the OP - if there was going to be a baby, it was going to be via IVF + ICSI. It was covered by our insurance (3 attempts per live birth), so thankfully it wasn't a significant cost for us.

It ended up taking a couple of tries, and it was pretty grueling. I got used to giving myself the shots, but the day-of calls to say whether or not I had to come in for an appointment, etc was hard to do, especially while trying to keep it private. And the hormones totally made me feel jacked up and anxious for a good deal of the time, like being inexplicably on the verge of a panic attack for days at a time.

It had a happy ending for us - healthy child that is the light of our lives. If I had to do it all over again, if it meant getting her at the end of it all I'd do it, but in reality it really did take me a long time to get over the resentment toward DH of having had to put myself through all that to get a baby. Totally irrational, but also totally honest. We've got all the equipment for it, so for better or worse it falls on our shoulders to do it.

If you or others are thinking this through, I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have some kind of self care in place because the sheer joy of getting a baby via IVF - no matter how desperately it was wanted - doesn't necessarily take care of the bad parts. It can really suck, even if it goes the way you want it to.

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't want someone in OP's shoes to enter into IVF without her DH *really* getting how hard it's going to be and having a good plan that they agree on for how to navigate it and for him to be as supportive as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your agreement going in was no fertility treatment, and that's what I'd stick with.

this.