WWYD in this situation? New husband wants a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you can tell from my posts that I am very happy and thankful for what we have and don't really feel the need to change anything. But I know he does which is where my indecision comes in.

You are very happy, but is he? Your needs are met by your children, but his are not. Going into this marriage you knew he wanted a child.

[Anonymous]

I would do one round, or what you could comfortably afford. I've actually been thinking on this one since I read it earlier and I think that's the best compromise. You are still giving him a chance but not frittering away time and money and your own health and sanity for years on potentially unsuccessful rounds. But one, maybe two, is a good solid effort for the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might be a candidate for a natural cycle IVF. Would you consider that?

Does that mean no hormone injections? I don't know if we'd be candidates because that is not the treatment program the doctor suggested for us.

We dealt with male factor infertility. Don't think natural IVF would be an option. When there is a quality/quantity issue with sperm they inject the sperm into the eggs and you want more eggs available to increase odds of viable embryos.

I wish you well with your decision, OP.

Not true. We had male factor and did natural cycle IVF with ICSI at Dominion. Natural cycle means no stimulating hormones, which are the worst ones. I did take the LH to trigger ovulation, and progesterone pills or suppositories. They extract the 1 egg I naturally produced, did IVF with ICSI, and transferred the embryo back into me. We got excellent embryos each time but they didn't implant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to talk to your husband about this, perhaps with the help of a couples counselor. Whatever agreement you had before, it sounds like your husband may have changed his mind, which is his prerogative. It is also your prerogative to stick with the initial agreement, no one is right or wrong here. You two need to get to a really clear understanding of each other's feelings, and how strongly you feel about them. It's possible that now that he's had this time parenting your children (even in an "uncle" way), he's feeling the pull for his own child that much more. If you say no to IVF, is there a chance he'll leave to find someone else who does want kids? If so, do you feel strongly enough about not doing IVF to give up your marriage? These are things that you need to talk about.

You really need to talk about it soon, though. There's no reason to go through fertility testing if you're not planning to go through fertility treatments, and so by going along with this testing, you've already signaled to him that you're open to fertility treatments. If there answer there is a hard no for you, you need to make that very clear to him.

I think this makes sense OP. You need to have a talk. It will be difficult but be honest.

[Anonymous]

Op I wouldn't do it.
It seems like you both had rational and clear reasoning for not wanting to do IVF (age, health affects on you, 3 kids already, expense) until you both realized it was his fertility issues, and now you are feeling guilty and really emotional for his loss.
I am thinking you both assumed it would be your fertility issues, and that was somehow different in your minds because of your age and 3 healthy children.
This needs to be talked about with your husband, perhaps as in what your original reasons were and why.
There is no way I would go through all those hormones, OP, and I am your age with the toll of 3 kids on my body already.
Your husband knew your age and child situation going into this as well, this is not all on you.

[Anonymous]

This is so hard, OP. I may have missed it - does he want to have a biological child, or would adoption be a possibility?

I don't know much about the risks of hormones, but if it were me, I think I would probably agree to try IVF 1-2 times (or whatever we could comfortably afford). Or adopt. I completely understand his wanting to have and raise a child of his own, and not being able to do that is a huge loss. If he sees you as the reason why he couldn't have a child (because you didn't want to pursue the options available, regardless of your original agreement) he could be resentful and that could hurt your marriage. I'm not trying to make you feel like you would be wrong to make that decision, but I'm trying to think realistically about possibilities. He might also be able to get over it. We can't know that - the two of you would best be able to judge that.

Would you consider going to counseling to talk about it?

[Anonymous]

The thing that sticks out in your OP, to me, is
1. You feel like *you* would be denying him a child, when it's his infertility that would require you to undergo a series of serious medical interventions that you already agreed you wouldn't do

2. Your emphasis on that you REALLY don't want to do IVF

From the other side of this, he married a 38 year old woman with 3 kids. He realized going in that infertility was going to be a very likely issue, just not that it was going to be him. Your kids are going to need a LOT of your time going into the middle and high school years. Fertility treatments take a lot of time and you may not be feeling well, limiting your options to help them. Lots of appts, follows ups, schedules to maintain, etc. Your kids have already been adjusting for just a few months to your new husband, it seems like a lot to ask of all of you at this point.
Which is probably why you agreed to "no IVF" in the first place

[Anonymous]

Is donor sperm an option? It was super important to me to have a child from infancy and to experience every stage. If I had had older step kids, it wouldn't have changed that desire. On the other hand, passing on my genes was never important to me. I ended up adopting a newborn.

I have never done infertility treatment, but I have plenty of friends who have, either IVF because of infertility, or donor sperm due to lesbianism. The latter sounds so much easier on the woman's body. If he isn't stuck on passing on his genes, it might be something to explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that sticks out in your OP, to me, is
1. You feel like *you* would be denying him a child, when it's his infertility that would require you to undergo a series of serious medical interventions that you already agreed you wouldn't do

2. Your emphasis on that you REALLY don't want to do IVF

From the other side of this, he married a 38 year old woman with 3 kids. He realized going in that infertility was going to be a very likely issue, just not that it was going to be him. Your kids are going to need a LOT of your time going into the middle and high school years. Fertility treatments take a lot of time and you may not be feeling well, limiting your options to help them. Lots of appts, follows ups, schedules to maintain, etc. Your kids have already been adjusting for just a few months to your new husband, it seems like a lot to ask of all of you at this point.
Which is probably why you agreed to "no IVF" in the first place

This is actually the very first thing I thought about too. Your about to enter a phase where your kids need you more than ever. I thought the baby toddler years were tough but they are so simple to compared to whats about to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might be a candidate for a natural cycle IVF. Would you consider that?

This is what I was thinking. I did it, but with kids that old I canbtotally understand not wanting to start over. I know I wouldnt.

[Anonymous]

It's fine to change your mind OP but I'm concerned there could be a health issue with you or the child due in part to the complexity of whatever procedure you might go forth with, and if there were you would be very hard on yourself for a long time for changing your mind.

[Anonymous]

Hormones in your body is such a bullshit excuse. I went through two cycles, it's not bad if you want the end result. Sounds like you don't want the baby so you're making hormones a big deal. Plus 15,000 for your kids is not critical because it's only 5k per child. That will buy them what, one or two courses?

I thought it was wonderful that we lived in an age with this IVF medical help.
He sounds great but you're not willing to suck up one IVF cycle? Tell him one cycle and leave it to fate.

[Anonymous]

i would look at your budget and have a serious conversation before you go down this path. Depending on my finances, I would agree to do it but have an agreement beforehand that we would not spend more than $x and more than x months before giving up. I think since you agreed to try going into the marriage, and it's very important to him, I would make some additional effort - but definitely not pull out all the stops. I think it will be better for your marriage to try for at least a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, wwyd? What do you think I should do?

This is a tough one OP. You agreed to wanting kids, but only if it came naturally. Your age, plus IVF makes it just too risky. You're asking for trouble with regards to having a healthy baby.

Assuming you're current 3 are all healthy, you are very lucky so don't play Russian Roulette. This is the what I'd tell my best friend if she asked me this same question.

If he wants kids "of his own", consider a surrogate or adoption.

Oh for petesake, OP is 38, not 50.

Agreed. And how would a surrogate help? Her uterus is fine. And, IVF babies have no higher risk of complications than any other babies.

Russian roulette LMAO. Go to SG or similar clinic and find out the average age of successful IVF patients. 38 is not old. I saw a lot of older women in the waiting rooms. I was then 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess you can tell from my posts that I am very happy and thankful for what we have and don't really feel the need to change anything. But I know he does which is where my indecision comes in.

You are very happy, but is he? Your needs are met by your children, but his are not. Going into this marriage you knew he wanted a child.

Leave the OP alone. She knew; they agreed to try without intervention. He has sperm issue that might require infertility treatment for her. He is obviously a mature person who wants kids, but he's not going to leave the OP over this. It's not about keeping a man happy by giving him a baby.

OP, personally, I would post your question about treatments in the Infertility forum. You're not being insensitive. You'll get more knowledgeable responses than in OT. (Even a guy who didn't know what AMA meant gave you an answer.)