Spendthrift DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like the perfect wife. Seriously. If you ever dump his ass, let me know. I don't need much of an allowance.

OP here, thank you. Some people here are making me out to be the worst wife, but is it so bad that I want to help my family build wealth? Most men complain about their wives' spending. All I can think about is how to help him get ahead at work, save money, and enjoy a stress-free life.

Wow are you ever controlling! You also seem obsessed with money.

Not the OP, but if you ever lived with not knowing where the money was going to come from to pay for food, then you have no idea. Maybe she is obsessed with money, but better safe than sorry. Some of us are smart enough to know that food stamps and welfare or being forced to sell assets to pay for food is not a good way to live.

OP here, you know, just reading what you wrote brings tears to my eyes. I was always worried about money as a child and where we were, there was no welfare. We never had much and my parents did not shield me from that. I had never had brand new clothes until I moved to the US in my teens. Many Americans live on the brink, but have not experienced what life is like when one has truly fallen to the bottom. Having come from the bottom, I will not go back if I can help it. I cannot control the future, but I can control my actions.

But you can't control the actions of another person. That's the problem.

+1. As long as he's working and not spending your money, I don't see the issue. While frugal, I spend a little more money on our house than DH would. Our understanding is that if I make money, I can spend it too. Don't be so stingy.

I don't think you need to give money to inlaws though! I would draw the line there.

OP here, my money is his money and his money is my money. It is all family money and it goes into one pot.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest that you both read 'money drunk, money sober.' It would help you understand each other, and may help you find a path towards harmony. Reading helped me kick a CC habit, and also to understand my extremely (unduly) frugal BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like the perfect wife. Seriously. If you ever dump his ass, let me know. I don't need much of an allowance.

OP here, thank you. Some people here are making me out to be the worst wife, but is it so bad that I want to help my family build wealth? Most men complain about their wives' spending. All I can think about is how to help him get ahead at work, save money, and enjoy a stress-free life.

Wow are you ever controlling! You also seem obsessed with money.

Not the OP, but if you ever lived with not knowing where the money was going to come from to pay for food, then you have no idea. Maybe she is obsessed with money, but better safe than sorry. Some of us are smart enough to know that food stamps and welfare or being forced to sell assets to pay for food is not a good way to live.

OP here, you know, just reading what you wrote brings tears to my eyes. I was always worried about money as a child and where we were, there was no welfare. We never had much and my parents did not shield me from that. I had never had brand new clothes until I moved to the US in my teens. Many Americans live on the brink, but have not experienced what life is like when one has truly fallen to the bottom. Having come from the bottom, I will not go back if I can help it. I cannot control the future, but I can control my actions.

But you can't control the actions of another person. That's the problem.

+1. As long as he's working and not spending your money, I don't see the issue. While frugal, I spend a little more money on our house than DH would. Our understanding is that if I make money, I can spend it too. Don't be so stingy.

I don't think you need to give money to inlaws though! I would draw the line there.

OP here, my money is his money and his money is my money. It is all family money and it goes into one pot.

In your original post you said "I am resentful of my money being wasted"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like the perfect wife. Seriously. If you ever dump his ass, let me know. I don't need much of an allowance.

OP here, thank you. Some people here are making me out to be the worst wife, but is it so bad that I want to help my family build wealth? Most men complain about their wives' spending. All I can think about is how to help him get ahead at work, save money, and enjoy a stress-free life.

Wow are you ever controlling! You also seem obsessed with money.

Not the OP, but if you ever lived with not knowing where the money was going to come from to pay for food, then you have no idea. Maybe she is obsessed with money, but better safe than sorry. Some of us are smart enough to know that food stamps and welfare or being forced to sell assets to pay for food is not a good way to live.

OP here, you know, just reading what you wrote brings tears to my eyes. I was always worried about money as a child and where we were, there was no welfare. We never had much and my parents did not shield me from that. I had never had brand new clothes until I moved to the US in my teens. Many Americans live on the brink, but have not experienced what life is like when one has truly fallen to the bottom. Having come from the bottom, I will not go back if I can help it. I cannot control the future, but I can control my actions.

Yup, we may be from different places, but my mom never shielded my brother and me. She made almost all of my clothes or they came from goodwill or K-mart if we needed new. She grew up in the depression, so when it came time to knuckle under, she could, not that she wanted to. She had no choice after my dad died. Dad had his own business, with debt and my mom discovered an employee had been embezzling funds from my dad. I think mom may have had 20 bucks to work with. She did it. And I am still very grateful she did.

I married a spendthrift, but only after we max retirement. I am trying to get him to stop splurging on crap we don't need. We are drowning in stuff.

OP here, how do you manage what I imagine must be your irritation at his spending habits?

Well, at this point, since the career changes, we actually spend down a great deal of savings because of an unexpected 2nd child and the desire to pay a nanny for the first few years of care. We are now looking at what we really bring in each month, and trying to make sure we are break even or saving. I am the one who has been using a spending tracker since the beginning of the year. I needed it to show DH the bleeding.

We also now review everything he walks in with from Costco, and I look at every receipt. If it is a purchase I am not convinced we need, we talk about it. He's been making a few runs back to Costco to take crap back. Like the outfits he found for DD at Sam's Club. I know full well she won't wear them. So, I explained why. They haven't been returned yet, but they are going back. We do spend on thing, like a new tv or camp for my daughter. We had to talk through where the money was coming from and if we are going to be positive or negative that month or overall.

I guess the key is we are transparent about where we spend money. Neither of us is draconian. He also asks before he goes to the dollar store or any other store where he can't take things back. I ask before I get my nails done.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to separate your finances.

[Anonymous]

I don't get all the disdain for OP. It sounds like her husband appreciates what she does for the family, but has trouble staying with the program.

But as for the program, OP, you need to find some common ground. Like set clear savings goals, regular evaluations of your retirements, etc, but don't make it a daily battle. Don't meet the monthly goal and then try to save some more. Don't incessantly harp on how much things cost. If giving your H a set amount of money to blow through every week or month without reservation helps, then do that. Just make sure to set goals that you both agree on.

Also take a good look at yourself. It sounds like you have your stuff together, but some people can never get over an impoverished childhood. My stepmother was a wartime refugee and she hoards canned goods and slips rolls into her purse at buffets. She can't help herself. My best friend also worries continually about money and would freak out when contractors came over to start home improvements that she and her husband had already agreed on and budgeted for. Both of those women could have benefitted from some counseling (one did get counseling and medication and it helped a lot.)

GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the disdain for OP. It sounds like her husband appreciates what she does for the family, but has trouble staying with the program.

But as for the program, OP, you need to find some common ground. Like set clear savings goals, regular evaluations of your retirements, etc, but don't make it a daily battle. Don't meet the monthly goal and then try to save some more. Don't incessantly harp on how much things cost. If giving your H a set amount of money to blow through every week or month without reservation helps, then do that. Just make sure to set goals that you both agree on.

Also take a good look at yourself. It sounds like you have your stuff together, but some people can never get over an impoverished childhood. My stepmother was a wartime refugee and she hoards canned goods and slips rolls into her purse at buffets. She can't help herself. My best friend also worries continually about money and would freak out when contractors came over to start home improvements that she and her husband had already agreed on and budgeted for. Both of those women could have benefitted from some counseling (one did get counseling and medication and it helped a lot.)

GL

Because she said her husband is "a bit of a fool" stupid with money, she has to retrain him etc. People are reactive to the judgment in her statements and her desire to control another person. Maybe it hits too close to some, right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like the perfect wife. Seriously. If you ever dump his ass, let me know. I don't need much of an allowance.

OP here, thank you. Some people here are making me out to be the worst wife, but is it so bad that I want to help my family build wealth? Most men complain about their wives' spending. All I can think about is how to help him get ahead at work, save money, and enjoy a stress-free life.

Wow are you ever controlling! You also seem obsessed with money.

Not the OP, but if you ever lived with not knowing where the money was going to come from to pay for food, then you have no idea. Maybe she is obsessed with money, but better safe than sorry. Some of us are smart enough to know that food stamps and welfare or being forced to sell assets to pay for food is not a good way to live.

OP here, you know, just reading what you wrote brings tears to my eyes. I was always worried about money as a child and where we were, there was no welfare. We never had much and my parents did not shield me from that. I had never had brand new clothes until I moved to the US in my teens. Many Americans live on the brink, but have not experienced what life is like when one has truly fallen to the bottom. Having come from the bottom, I will not go back if I can help it. I cannot control the future, but I can control my actions.

But you can't control the actions of another person. That's the problem.

+1. As long as he's working and not spending your money, I don't see the issue. While frugal, I spend a little more money on our house than DH would. Our understanding is that if I make money, I can spend it too. Don't be so stingy.

I don't think you need to give money to inlaws though! I would draw the line there.

OP here, my money is his money and his money is my money. It is all family money and it goes into one pot.

In your original post you said "I am resentful of my money being wasted"

YES! OP you're thinking ALL of the money is yours. Yes, DH and I do have one bank account, but we both contribute and choose to spend time/money/energy on different things. I work and make money, thus I get to spend money too. So does your DH. You only get 50% control.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a very impressive person who's going to accomplish a lot. Your description of your husband is troubling. Although you may love him now, and he may reciprocate, that's not going to endure if you continue to view him the way you describe here in this thread.

[Anonymous]

You are the rock in that relationship. I have to warn you though that even if you save for years during your marriage and your DH spends - if you divorce - it won't matter who scrimped and saved - he'll get half.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's OP's tone that maybe not what she I tends but it does sound like OP has a lot of contempt for her DH and his "foolishness". Doubt this marriage will last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's OP's tone that maybe not what she I tends but it does sound like OP has a lot of contempt for her DH and his "foolishness". Doubt this marriage will last.

I agree this marriage is doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's OP's tone that maybe not what she I tends but it does sound like OP has a lot of contempt for her DH and his "foolishness". Doubt this marriage will last.

And his friends and family

[Anonymous]

Who is the moneymaker in the family? Do you make more than him or vice versa?

[Anonymous]

OP if you are still there, I will share with you how I got my DH on board. I'm the frugal one, he's more spendy. I tried all sorts of angles to get him on board and it was only when we started to talk about what we both wanted for the future that the light bulb went on. When I mean by this is a deep, caring, really listening conversation, maybe over dinner and bottle of wine (somewhere he enjoys and feels relaxed and not 'attacked' because the money conversation is an emotion-laden one) where you both share your dreams for the future.

The key is to suspend judgement and really listen and ask questions. If you find yourself about to be critical, pull back and reframe your comment as an interested question. Or shut up and let him talk. Deeply understand what lights him up and why. And share your dreams. Paint the picture vividly, show your passion, build on each others dreams and find your commonalities. This is a supportive, fun conversation.

Our common ground ended up being a early retirement where we can travel and indulge in our hobbies. Once we committed to that we worked out how we get there. We agreed on savings, investments and spending. This took a couple of conversations because he needed to marinate on some of the change required. We ended up going through our household budget & setting realistic limits together. We did this at a high level because we are not detailed people, but it's worked for us. We agreed on both of us having an allowance each as others have suggested. It is an agreed amount each month that we can spend on anything we want. If he wants to blow it on beer and sports, cool with me. But once it's maxed, it's maxed until next month. As our savings/investments are on track, it eliminates the disagreements when he does completely spend his allowance. I expect it to be spent. So no questions asked.

TL;DR Start with the 'why' then discuss the 'how', it's far more motivating. Good luck.