11yo DD furious that we don't allow screens M-Th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

I'm curious- how old are your kids? By middle school, most school-sponsored sports have daily practice with 2-3 games per week. If you go the club route its not uncommon to have 3-4 nights per week. My kids are a freshman and junior, both are good (not great) at sports and aren't anywhere near a highly competitive level. Daughter has gymnastics 4 nights per week plus weekend competitions, son has basketball every week night, either practice or a game. Plus he works every other weekend at a grocery store. Its hectic at times but both have learned to manage their time very well and get most homework done in study hall or weekends. There are some late nights but its a trade off.

One night of sports per week is not common with older kids.

So with everything they do, if their homework is done I don't care how much screen time they have. Both have GPAs over 3.8 so if my son wants to play Destiny for hours on a night off, I gladly let him.

They don't go to school yet and my partner and I are going to homeschool. We are both on the same page on the fact that we won't let sports become a major deal in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

I'm curious- how old are your kids? By middle school, most school-sponsored sports have daily practice with 2-3 games per week. If you go the club route its not uncommon to have 3-4 nights per week. My kids are a freshman and junior, both are good (not great) at sports and aren't anywhere near a highly competitive level. Daughter has gymnastics 4 nights per week plus weekend competitions, son has basketball every week night, either practice or a game. Plus he works every other weekend at a grocery store. Its hectic at times but both have learned to manage their time very well and get most homework done in study hall or weekends. There are some late nights but its a trade off.

One night of sports per week is not common with older kids.

So with everything they do, if their homework is done I don't care how much screen time they have. Both have GPAs over 3.8 so if my son wants to play Destiny for hours on a night off, I gladly let him.

They don't go to school yet and my partner and I are going to homeschool. We are both on the same page on the fact that we won't let sports become a major deal in our family.

Thanks- that puts your opinion in perspective for me. In the next 6-10 years, your opinion may change significantly after you've BTDT. Extra-curricular activities don't necessarily need to be sports, it could be dance, ballet, an instrument, etc. If/when your child starts activities outside the home, it will probably be one day per week. But as they develop a passion for something, one day can turn into two, then three, and then four. For example, kids in the HS band play at home basketball games- typically 2-3 times per week. Its not sports that becomes a "major deal"- its life.

For example, here is my son's experience with basketball. K-3rd grade it was Saturday mornings for an hour, local rec group. 4th grade was a local rec league, one or two practices per week and games on Saturdays. That continued thru 6th grade. 7th and 8th grade was thru the school, practices were (on average) 3 days per week with 1 or 2 games per week, no weekends. Pretty much the same for freshman/JV ball. Now he's a junior, plays varsity, and has practice 3-4 times per week for a couple hours each, 2-3 games per week. He's not particularly good at it- he's a 6 foot hustle/energy guy with no aspiration to play beyond high school. But he loves the game and he's in great physical shape. Several of his best friends are active in the same sports or come to the games and cheer on the team. Its stereotypical HS kind of stuff and while sports isn't "a major deal" it is a time commitment.

Not every kid plays sports, nor should they necessarily do so. But IMO, extra curricular activities are important to a child's emotional and social development. The older they get, the greater the time commitment.

But I find it a little presumptuous to offer your opinion on Older Kids and Teenagers when yours are pre-K. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Well, tough for your daughter. Your house, your rules.
I make stricter rules for my 10 year old. He knows whining about it will only annoy me, and that I'm not pleasant when annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

OP here. I agree with you somewhat. She is required to play/practice this much to be on her team. She does love it. She was one of only two girls on her regular season team who did not do two indoor leagues this winter. We stuck to one indoor league because I felt that 2 was excessive in every way. Now regular season practices are starting up. It's a lot. I feel we have come to a crossroads with soccer where she either has to practice and participate in tournaments a lot or move to rec. She loves her team and teammates. It is costly and I worry about injury. Declining to do 2 indoor leagues this winter reduced her playing time compared to her teammates, so we will see how that plays out this spring.

She benefits from exercise every day, and can be annoying to be around if she hasn't had movement. So that's a positive of all these practices. I wish I could just "send her out to run around", but there aren't any other kids close to her age playing outside in our neighborhood. I think they are all at sports or music practice.

My hsuband and I plan to allow her more autonomy with weekday screens, have to figure out how to go about it. I don't want her to think that she harrassed us into it and that this is an effective way to get rules changed, so we are going to sit tight for a little while longer. Great advice here, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

To offer a different perspective on this, we require our kids to do some sort of physical activity for at least 45 minutes 2-3 times a week (minimum) and the easiest way they have found to do this is through a sport. I'm not over the top into sports at all, in fact I strongly dislike almost all of them, but I can admit that the physical activity is positive and healthy. I'm not sure one night of exercise a week would be plenty for my kids' health or happiness, since they seem to feel better and have better attitudes when they're pretty active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, tough for your daughter. Your house, your rules.
I make stricter rules for my 10 year old. He knows whining about it will only annoy me, and that I'm not pleasant when annoyed.

Right, but what does that teach your kid? The fact that the person in charge makes rules which must be respected is an important lesson, of course, but what about other aspects?

Like learning why the rules are what they are, so he learns to set reasonable limits for himself.

Or developing autonomy to manage himself without the confines of strict rules.

Or learning negotiation and critical thinking skills -- if my kid has a valid reason for objecting to a rule and can articulate that in a logical and respectful way, I'm willing to at least hear her out and consider whether her points change my thinking about the rule.

Or fostering a respectful but open relationship, not one where the kid keeps quiet to avoid "unpleasantness" from annoyed parents. I get that there are times for a child to just keep his or her mouth shut, but I would want my kid to be able to talk to me if they found something at home completely unfair and grating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, tough for your daughter. Your house, your rules.
I make stricter rules for my 10 year old. He knows whining about it will only annoy me, and that I'm not pleasant when annoyed.

Right, but what does that teach your kid? The fact that the person in charge makes rules which must be respected is an important lesson, of course, but what about other aspects?

Like learning why the rules are what they are, so he learns to set reasonable limits for himself.

Or developing autonomy to manage himself without the confines of strict rules.

Or learning negotiation and critical thinking skills -- if my kid has a valid reason for objecting to a rule and can articulate that in a logical and respectful way, I'm willing to at least hear her out and consider whether her points change my thinking about the rule.

Or fostering a respectful but open relationship, not one where the kid keeps quiet to avoid "unpleasantness" from annoyed parents. I get that there are times for a child to just keep his or her mouth shut, but I would want my kid to be able to talk to me if they found something at home completely unfair and grating.

Yeah- it sounds like PP is more concerned with a kid that obeys rather than one who can function independently.

[Anonymous]

OP, haven't read every response here, but I'm with you.

It's easy to say, in theory, "Screen time after all homework is done on weeknights is just fine," but honestly, if you allow it, she might try to convince you to let her have screen time first "so I can wind down after school" and so on. That's why my own DD (13) would like to try, but she knows that any needed down time after school means a snack while she reads, and then it's on to homework.

Like you, we have no screen time (other than computer time for schoolwork) M-Th.

That means my middle schooler now really looks forward to Fridays. She actually is very into doing at least some homework Friday afternoons (she often has a lot of weekend homework) so that she can treat herself to TV later on Friday evenings. Same with Saturdays; she's glad to get up and do homework in the mornings so she can feel free and relaxed about watching TV or a movie Saturday nights. She looks forward to it all week and plans how she's going to get X and Y done so she can see her favorite shows and not worry about all the homework piling up on Sundays. She's self-regulating it now and is motivated by her Friday and Saturday night screen time reward. We never called it a reward for homework or said she could only watch weekend TV if a certain amount of homework was done -- she came up with that idea herself, knowing she has a lot of homework to get through and not liking to have it hanging over her.

Kids who have school plus an activity on any weeknights just don't need screen time. I know a lot of parents say a little is fine after homework is done. But for us, our daughter would find it just a distraction to anticipate it through her homework time. Plus, she has a four-days-a-week activity that has her out as late as 7 or 8:30 some weeknights, so really there is just not time for even a half-hour of TV M-Th nights, unless she stayed up later to have it -- and that is not going to happen.

Front seat of the car? At 11? No. Not negotiable. My kid is in the front mostly but she is the size of an adult now.

Don't let her complaints about what other kids do, or her desire to have you canvass other parents' rules, make you cave. I would not ask other parents about their bedtime or car or screen time rules. Our house runs the way that works for us, and others' rules are not relevant. Do listen to her if she can present some reasoned discussion in favor of, say, extending TV watching to Sunday (we used to not have TV on Sunday nights for her as that is a school night, but now that she's older, it's OK if all work is done and it's something fairly short; she made the argument and we listened.)

Interestingly, though I have not canvassed them specifically about it, many of her friends' parents also don't allow weeknight screen time or are very limited about it. Stick to your choices, OP. You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, tough for your daughter. Your house, your rules.
I make stricter rules for my 10 year old. He knows whining about it will only annoy me, and that I'm not pleasant when annoyed.

Right, but what does that teach your kid? The fact that the person in charge makes rules which must be respected is an important lesson, of course, but what about other aspects?

Like learning why the rules are what they are, so he learns to set reasonable limits for himself.

Or developing autonomy to manage himself without the confines of strict rules.

Or learning negotiation and critical thinking skills -- if my kid has a valid reason for objecting to a rule and can articulate that in a logical and respectful way, I'm willing to at least hear her out and consider whether her points change my thinking about the rule.

Or fostering a respectful but open relationship, not one where the kid keeps quiet to avoid "unpleasantness" from annoyed parents. I get that there are times for a child to just keep his or her mouth shut, but I would want my kid to be able to talk to me if they found something at home completely unfair and grating.

Yeah- it sounds like PP is more concerned with a kid that obeys rather than one who can function independently.

PP you quoted here.

Right, and I get that -- obedience is a good quality in a child, and at times a necessary thing in the adult world even. I do require obedience from my kids in the moment as well, but the difference is that I am open to discussion later. Doesn't mean I will change my mind, but we can at least talk about any family rules, and most of them I will be willing to consider possible arguments for changing or reconsidering the rule if a valid reason is presented. Very few things are truly completely non-negotiable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

I'm curious- how old are your kids? By middle school, most school-sponsored sports have daily practice with 2-3 games per week. If you go the club route its not uncommon to have 3-4 nights per week. My kids are a freshman and junior, both are good (not great) at sports and aren't anywhere near a highly competitive level. Daughter has gymnastics 4 nights per week plus weekend competitions, son has basketball every week night, either practice or a game. Plus he works every other weekend at a grocery store. Its hectic at times but both have learned to manage their time very well and get most homework done in study hall or weekends. There are some late nights but its a trade off.

One night of sports per week is not common with older kids.

So with everything they do, if their homework is done I don't care how much screen time they have. Both have GPAs over 3.8 so if my son wants to play Destiny for hours on a night off, I gladly let him.

They don't go to school yet and my partner and I are going to homeschool. We are both on the same page on the fact that we won't let sports become a major deal in our family.

No you can't really know if a) you will actually really homeschool. so many factors influence that and you need to wait until your kids are actually school age - grade 1 and above. I have no issues with homeschooling but honestly people like you are so silly talking about homeschooling when your kids are even school age and b) you can't control whether or not your kid enjoys a sport and wants to play it nor can you say how you will feel about it when you are watching your kid play that sport.

Never, ever make such definite statements about what you will do one day. They will come back to bite you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

I'm curious- how old are your kids? By middle school, most school-sponsored sports have daily practice with 2-3 games per week. If you go the club route its not uncommon to have 3-4 nights per week. My kids are a freshman and junior, both are good (not great) at sports and aren't anywhere near a highly competitive level. Daughter has gymnastics 4 nights per week plus weekend competitions, son has basketball every week night, either practice or a game. Plus he works every other weekend at a grocery store. Its hectic at times but both have learned to manage their time very well and get most homework done in study hall or weekends. There are some late nights but its a trade off.

One night of sports per week is not common with older kids.

So with everything they do, if their homework is done I don't care how much screen time they have. Both have GPAs over 3.8 so if my son wants to play Destiny for hours on a night off, I gladly let him.

They don't go to school yet and my partner and I are going to homeschool. We are both on the same page on the fact that we won't let sports become a major deal in our family.

No you can't really know if a) you will actually really homeschool. so many factors influence that and you need to wait until your kids are actually school age - grade 1 and above. I have no issues with homeschooling but honestly people like you are so silly talking about homeschooling when your kids are even school age and b) you can't control whether or not your kid enjoys a sport and wants to play it nor can you say how you will feel about it when you are watching your kid play that sport.

Never, ever make such definite statements about what you will do one day. They will come back to bite you.

Rigidity in parental thinking is a recipe for disaster. Whether it's about homeschooling, sports, or screen time.

Raise the child you have, not the child you want. The end.

[Anonymous]

We have very similar rules for our 11 year old. Unfortunately the screen time rule (no screen time M-Th except a very quick daily check of Clash of Clans) was made necessary because of how incredibly difficult it is to get him off any screens (he's ADHD). He's an excellent reader and very smart but would be on his ipod touch or play video games or watch youtube non-stop from the time he gets home from school until bed-time. We've told him as he gets older and shows us cooperative behavior (getting off screens immediately when he's asked without meltdown) then we can start to relax rules. We had so many fewer difficult situations once we instigated the no screen during the week rule.

And the 9:00 bedtime is necessary because if he doesn't get enough sleep he is a beast the next day.

I think rules like these should really depend on the kid. If I had a mild, obedient child who would voluntarily put down electronics to do homework or practice piano or do chores or go play outside, and who went to bed and fell asleep easily, then strict rules wouldn't be necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, tough for your daughter. Your house, your rules.
I make stricter rules for my 10 year old. He knows whining about it will only annoy me, and that I'm not pleasant when annoyed.

Right, but what does that teach your kid? The fact that the person in charge makes rules which must be respected is an important lesson, of course, but what about other aspects?

Like learning why the rules are what they are, so he learns to set reasonable limits for himself.

Or developing autonomy to manage himself without the confines of strict rules.

Or learning negotiation and critical thinking skills -- if my kid has a valid reason for objecting to a rule and can articulate that in a logical and respectful way, I'm willing to at least hear her out and consider whether her points change my thinking about the rule.

Or fostering a respectful but open relationship, not one where the kid keeps quiet to avoid "unpleasantness" from annoyed parents. I get that there are times for a child to just keep his or her mouth shut, but I would want my kid to be able to talk to me if they found something at home completely unfair and grating.

Yeah- it sounds like PP is more concerned with a kid that obeys rather than one who can function independently.

Don't be silly, of course my children trust and confide in me. However whining, begging or demanding is not tolerated in my house.
I encourage them to present more persuasive and rational arguments, and those have won my 10 year old son the right, in theory, to play video games during the week. But only if he finishes his homework, his music, his chores, his native language homework, etc.
He was the one who proposed this arrangement!
By the time he's finished, he needs to relax and often prefers reading or playing with his sister. The secret is that I don't prohibit anything he wants to do, because that would breed resentment. I just make the prize hard to achieve, and that is my right as a parent. Sometimes on weekends he plays Minecraft with DH and DD, but then again, only after his work is done. I actually think it's a great game.

I see more and more parents giving in to their kids out of guilt that they're not child-centric enough and then feeling confused about where to draw the line. That's not teaching kids to be responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.They don't go to school yet and my partner and I are going to homeschool. We are both on the same page on the fact that we won't let sports become a major deal in our family.

No you can't really know if a) you will actually really homeschool. so many factors influence that and you need to wait until your kids are actually school age - grade 1 and above. I have no issues with homeschooling but honestly people like you are so silly talking about homeschooling when your kids are even school age and b) you can't control whether or not your kid enjoys a sport and wants to play it nor can you say how you will feel about it when you are watching your kid play that sport.

Never, ever make such definite statements about what you will do one day. They will come back to bite you.

Rigidity in parental thinking is a recipe for disaster. Whether it's about homeschooling, sports, or screen time.

Raise the child you have, not the child you want. The end.

lol- I was trying to be much more diplomatic with my response to that PP. We don't even know what kind of "screen time" will exist in 10 years, let alone what rules should be in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

I'm curious- how old are your kids? By middle school, most school-sponsored sports have daily practice with 2-3 games per week. If you go the club route its not uncommon to have 3-4 nights per week. My kids are a freshman and junior, both are good (not great) at sports and aren't anywhere near a highly competitive level. Daughter has gymnastics 4 nights per week plus weekend competitions, son has basketball every week night, either practice or a game. Plus he works every other weekend at a grocery store. Its hectic at times but both have learned to manage their time very well and get most homework done in study hall or weekends. There are some late nights but its a trade off.

One night of sports per week is not common with older kids.

So with everything they do, if their homework is done I don't care how much screen time they have. Both have GPAs over 3.8 so if my son wants to play Destiny for hours on a night off, I gladly let him.

They don't go to school yet and my partner and I are going to homeschool. We are both on the same page on the fact that we won't let sports become a major deal in our family.

Thanks- that puts your opinion in perspective for me. In the next 6-10 years, your opinion may change significantly after you've BTDT. Extra-curricular activities don't necessarily need to be sports, it could be dance, ballet, an instrument, etc. If/when your child starts activities outside the home, it will probably be one day per week. But as they develop a passion for something, one day can turn into two, then three, and then four. For example, kids in the HS band play at home basketball games- typically 2-3 times per week. Its not sports that becomes a "major deal"- its life.

For example, here is my son's experience with basketball. K-3rd grade it was Saturday mornings for an hour, local rec group. 4th grade was a local rec league, one or two practices per week and games on Saturdays. That continued thru 6th grade. 7th and 8th grade was thru the school, practices were (on average) 3 days per week with 1 or 2 games per week, no weekends. Pretty much the same for freshman/JV ball. Now he's a junior, plays varsity, and has practice 3-4 times per week for a couple hours each, 2-3 games per week. He's not particularly good at it- he's a 6 foot hustle/energy guy with no aspiration to play beyond high school. But he loves the game and he's in great physical shape. Several of his best friends are active in the same sports or come to the games and cheer on the team. Its stereotypical HS kind of stuff and while sports isn't "a major deal" it is a time commitment.

Not every kid plays sports, nor should they necessarily do so. But IMO, extra curricular activities are important to a child's emotional and social development. The older they get, the greater the time commitment.

But I find it a little presumptuous to offer your opinion on Older Kids and Teenagers when yours are pre-K. Just my two cents.

We require it daily for our boys (the exercise requirement)---though we don't really have to tell them. I just stay after school and they play hard for an hour or more--football, basketball, soccer, etc with classmates. They have soccer practice 3 nights per week. Weekends we go up to HS track/field as a family--play 2v2 --parents vs kids or head to a park for pick up games (one that always has classmates/kids).

Dh and I exercise 5-6 days per week. To me this habit is equivalent to brushing your teeth. Our boys see it as normal.

Screen time issues--just use moderation and common sense not excess restrictions.