11yo DD furious that we don't allow screens M-Th

[Anonymous]

We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

These all three sound like reasonable rules to me.

[Anonymous]

Well, I wouldn't put her in the front seat - that's a safety issue. But I might negotiate with her on the screen time. Why not have an nice chat with her that acknowledges that she is growing and that the family rules should change as that happens. But explain why you won't shift on some of them - front of car due to safety, and bedtime due to early start (and teens need their rest). So that leaves the screen time. Maybe say she can have a little bit of that M-Th now? It's all a balance isn't it? In this case, the balance between your control of her schedule and her ability to balance her time herself. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think it's strict for an 11 yo. We allow 30 minutes per day during the week for our 10yo.

I can't speak to the bedtime issue. We try to have kids in bed, lights out by 9:00, but it usually ends up being 9:30. However, my kids don't have to get up until 8 (bus comes at 9).

I wouldn't allow an 11yo in the front seat. Our pediatrician has (jokingly) said no front seat until learner's permit. But that's just an indication of how seriously she takes this issue.

[Anonymous]

No screen time at all during the week seems very strict. If she gets her homework done, what's the harm in letting her watch a show or two or play on the computer? You aren't going to develop a love of reading by banning her from the TV.

[Anonymous]

I can report that my 11-year-old DD has similar rules about screen time, bedtime, and sitting in the front seat. In her case, she's not complaining about them (yet). But no, your daughter is not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH asked me to ask around to see what other parents were doing. Maybe we could allow some weekday screens.

The problem with weekday screens is that it turns into a squishy mess of negotiation if I allow a little bit. When it's based on the day of the week, my kids know that, hey, it's Tuesday so don't even ask.

It could turn into, "I'm almost done", "Just 5 more minutes please" and all the other whining and pushback. During the week I don't have the patience for it, need to get the kids fed and in bed.

But considering it. DD so desolate over it lately, she wants to play Starstable with her friends online. If she plays Starstable, she is definitely not reading. Starstable is actually kind of a charming online multiplayer horse game.

[Anonymous]

OP your daughter sounds like a good, responsible kid. I would tell her you hear her complaints and that you want to have a family discussion about it. Hear her out. I agree you should not change on the backseat thing but you can explain that and how it is a safety issue. On the screen time and bedtime, ask her to propose a different rule and to explain why that would be better. Maybe together you can come up with something like, if she gets her homework done she can have 30 minutes of screen time a day. And maybe you can agree on a 9:30 bedtime as long as she gets herself up and ready for school in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No screen time at all during the week seems very strict. If she gets her homework done, what's the harm in letting her watch a show or two or play on the computer? You aren't going to develop a love of reading by banning her from the TV.

PP you have a good point here. I don't want to kill her love of reading or make it into a punishment.

[Anonymous]

OP - To clarify is screen time watching tv and being on the computer or does it also mean phone talking or texting, too? In either case, I assume she would be using a computer in an open access place in your home? What is your rule in terms of a cell phone?

I think you sound like a great Mom and showing some flexibility is the right way to go, but not caving all the way to say daily screen time would seem important. How much depends on keeping it still more for the weekends and also on what she has for homework and outside activities on a given weekday.

[Anonymous]

Ok...first, bed time is probably a little early. Heck, when my DD was 11, sports practices often did not end until 9 (Softball in spring & Basketball in winter).

Screen time, well, kids use it for communications...HW will soon require computer time (Middle school for sure). Too Strict, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

Yes, you're being unreasonably strict about screen-time. As long as she's getting her work done, and whatnot, that's unnecessarily restrictive and abnormal. Most kids these days are texting each other by age 11 now. I assume she's in sixth grade? You are quite literally making her excluded from what has become a very important part of social development for children/tweens of this generation.

My 11 yo also sits in the front seat, but she's tall and heavier than yours (she's about 5'6" and weighs about 103). She does not sit in the front seat for highway driving, however.

The only thing I'm with you on is bedtime. Yours is precisely the same as ours, and ours doesn't push it. We even enforce it generally on the weekend (although we do allow exceptions).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

These all three sound like reasonable rules to me.

Do you have/have you had an 11 yo?

[Anonymous]

15:08 here. While we're relaxed about screen time (we don't really even limit the amount they can have), we do have a rule of no devices after 8 p.m. (no texting, etc). And none in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

I know someone who had a rule that his kid could have unlimited screen time during the week if he made straight As and played a sport (and maybe something else). The kid ended up at Carnegie Mellon AND as a professional gamer!

My DH has noticed that the kids who succeed the most are the ones without screens.

I say stick to your judgment. It only gets worse. Talk to my kid - he's the only 7th grader without a cell phone, supposedly.