11yo DD furious that we don't allow screens M-Th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at 11-yo you can allow some.

I never understood the families that restrict it m-th and then allow anything goes on the weekends.

Everything in moderation is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to ANYTHING.

My kids are 7 and 9 and they are very into sports---so between sports and homework there aren't many hours in the evening. This helps tremendously. If they finished homework, read for a bit...and had practice--I let them watch an hour or so (often they only have time for 30min). If it's very close to bedtime-then 'no'. The nights they just have homework/reading and no sports (if we've gotten some physical activity) they can watch some Tv/play a game on the ipad.

I think too strict is almost as bad as too lenient when it comes to kids. That's just my personal opinion.

Also--kids kept on super-duper tight leashes and restrictions tend to go nuts once they are away on their own. They never learned to manage.

I wonder if there's any evidence for this, it's the sort of thing that people throw around. I was raised in a pretty strict home and was friends with kids raised in very strict homes and we all went to college and continued to be pretty disciplined. I know it seems easy to believe that we would have all gone wild, but we just didn't.

[Anonymous]

I think your screen time rules are too strict. I promise you, PROMISE you, that she will start sneaking around and doing stuff behind your back the second she has the ability. My parents had similar rules about screen time growing up and the second I was old enough to be left home alone for prolonged periods (around 11), the TV went on the second they pulled out of the driveway and didn't go off until they came back. And most of it was awful daytime crap: Jerry Springer, People's Court, Maury, just terrible stuff, but that's what was on and I was desperate for TV, so I watched it. She will start doing the same sort of thing soon if she hasn't already. I'm still resentful 20 years later of how out-of-step I felt with my peer group due to all the restrictions and do not have the same draconian rules with my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13yr old JUST was allowed to sit in the front and I hate it.

It is the death seat. I make her put the seat all the way back. It makes me so nervous.

Get a grip. In less than 3 years she'll be DRIVING a car. Assuming you'll allow it.

The issue is the airbags. If you have a newer car with sensors, it is much better. Otherwise it isn't that much safer.

I agree and I'm not advocating for pre-teens sitting in the front seat. My snark was directed at her being so nervous about her 13 year old daughter sitting in the front seat. Seriously, wait until they drive off alone for the first time (among other milestones). It just baffles me that some people don't let their teen watch primetime television or leave a 15 year old alone overnight. Then again, my 14 year old daughter watches The Walking Dead with me so I'm the nutty outlier on the other end of the bell curve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13yr old JUST was allowed to sit in the front and I hate it.

It is the death seat. I make her put the seat all the way back. It makes me so nervous.

Get a grip. In less than 3 years she'll be DRIVING a car. Assuming you'll allow it.

The issue is the airbags. If you have a newer car with sensors, it is much better. Otherwise it isn't that much safer.

I agree and I'm not advocating for pre-teens sitting in the front seat. My snark was directed at her being so nervous about her 13 year old daughter sitting in the front seat. Seriously, wait until they drive off alone for the first time (among other milestones). It just baffles me that some people don't let their teen watch primetime television or leave a 15 year old alone overnight. Then again, my 14 year old daughter watches The Walking Dead with me so I'm the nutty outlier on the other end of the bell curve.

It baffles me hey you would allow at 15 year old to be home overnight. No way. Sitting upfront at 13, fine. 11, not a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at 11-yo you can allow some.

I never understood the families that restrict it m-th and then allow anything goes on the weekends.

Everything in moderation is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to ANYTHING.

My kids are 7 and 9 and they are very into sports---so between sports and homework there aren't many hours in the evening. This helps tremendously. If they finished homework, read for a bit...and had practice--I let them watch an hour or so (often they only have time for 30min). If it's very close to bedtime-then 'no'. The nights they just have homework/reading and no sports (if we've gotten some physical activity) they can watch some Tv/play a game on the ipad.

I think too strict is almost as bad as too lenient when it comes to kids. That's just my personal opinion.

Also--kids kept on super-duper tight leashes and restrictions tend to go nuts once they are away on their own. They never learned to manage.

I wonder if there's any evidence for this, it's the sort of thing that people throw around. I was raised in a pretty strict home and was friends with kids raised in very strict homes and we all went to college and continued to be pretty disciplined. I know it seems easy to believe that we would have all gone wild, but we just didn't.

I have anecdotal evidence from my childhood- Catholic girls with super strict parents who went gonzo the second their parents left town and when they left for college. But you can't cherry pick a couple kids and say one method is better or worse than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the opposite end from most of you. My son is 13 and for the last two years has had no restrictions on screen time. We made a deal that I would take all the restrictions off screen time if he was completely responsible for his own homework, getting up for school on-time, organizing everything for school (including tracking field trip slips, lunch, after school arrangements for activities or get-togethers, etc.).

He rose to the challenge and is getting great grades. I think that learning to manage one's own time and schedule are important precursors to success in college.

I do, however, still make him go to bed at 9:30 pm. He voluntarily gets up at 6am every day.

This is the approach I'm going for, though we're not there yet with the unlimited screen time for my 11yo. But, I try to hear him out and let him take control of his life, so that he is learning to be responsible for homework, etc. But, we did go through a relaxing phase, based on a request from him, so we do allow screen time during the week. In fact, he's on the internet now researching a project.

I'm also trying not be a "do as I say, not as I do" parent. They see us on screens (though not TV) during the week. Sometimes we even watch a funny You Tube video after dinner. My kid also will show us social justice-y videos that he was assigned to watch for class because he thinks they're interesting.

I do let him ride in the front seat because at 5'3" and 100+lbs he is bigger than his pediatrician.

I don't have a lights out time because sometimes we play board games after dinner, or something comes up. Though we try to have the kids in bed by 9. He will often be reading a good book and will stay up to read. I love doing that myself, so it's hard for me to tell him to stop. Though I would if he didn't get up on his own in the morning, or with a single wake up call.

GL OP!

[Anonymous]

OP here, this has been great advice from you who have BTDT. I will discuss with husband and have a chat with DD about some changes.

Thanks to the pp who recommended trading reading for screentime.

I'm in health research so read many studies about childhood injury, effects of screen time on sleep and other things, and importance of getting enough sleep. Getting enough sleep is associated with higher test scores, fewer accidents, normal weight. My DD wants a 10pm bedtime.

I am also sensitive to making her into a freak. My parents had no problem embarrassing me or making me the out of it kid. I try not to do that to my kids, within reason.

My kid is the type to push the limits on everything so I will have to go carefully.

DD asked for a Macbook Air for Christmas, was disappointed not to get it. I would not buy a 1k machine for an 11 year old and we don't spend that much on Christmas anyway. Her best friend got one for Christmas and yesterday spilled a coke on it and now it's sitting in a bag of rice.

[Anonymous]

I would give her a minute of screen time for every minute of exercise she gets not counting her soccer practices. This assumes her grades are good.

[Anonymous]

I think no screens is just silly. I would let her watch tv or whatever she wants from 8-9 pm every night .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

These all three sound like reasonable rules to me.

Do you have/have you had an 11 yo?

Not the PP, but our 11 yo DD is only allowed screen time during week to communicate with friends and teachers, has lights out @ 9 even though she sleeps an extra 30 mins than OP's daughter, and still must sit in back even though their friends' younger sibs are sitting in front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, this has been great advice from you who have BTDT. I will discuss with husband and have a chat with DD about some changes.

Thanks to the pp who recommended trading reading for screentime.

I'm in health research so read many studies about childhood injury, effects of screen time on sleep and other things, and importance of getting enough sleep. Getting enough sleep is associated with higher test scores, fewer accidents, normal weight. My DD wants a 10pm bedtime.

I am also sensitive to making her into a freak. My parents had no problem embarrassing me or making me the out of it kid. I try not to do that to my kids, within reason.

My kid is the type to push the limits on everything so I will have to go carefully.

DD asked for a Macbook Air for Christmas, was disappointed not to get it. I would not buy a 1k machine for an 11 year old and we don't spend that much on Christmas anyway. Her best friend got one for Christmas and yesterday spilled a coke on it and now it's sitting in a bag of rice.

OP, my DCs have to share a Chromebook and they know they would be grounded forever if any liquid was even near my Macbook Air.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, this has been great advice from you who have BTDT. I will discuss with husband and have a chat with DD about some changes.

Thanks to the pp who recommended trading reading for screentime.

I'm in health research so read many studies about childhood injury, effects of screen time on sleep and other things, and importance of getting enough sleep. Getting enough sleep is associated with higher test scores, fewer accidents, normal weight. My DD wants a 10pm bedtime.

I am also sensitive to making her into a freak. My parents had no problem embarrassing me or making me the out of it kid. I try not to do that to my kids, within reason.

My kid is the type to push the limits on everything so I will have to go carefully.

DD asked for a Macbook Air for Christmas, was disappointed not to get it. I would not buy a 1k machine for an 11 year old and we don't spend that much on Christmas anyway. Her best friend got one for Christmas and yesterday spilled a coke on it and now it's sitting in a bag of rice.

A few random thoughts:

--Could she get up later in the a.m.? Even 15 min?

--If you let her be in bed by 9 and read till 10, she might fall asleep half the time anyhow. I agree with you on sleep, but if she is stressed and mad at bedtime, I don't suspect that is restful sleep. My son reads with a headlamp, so he doesn't even have to roll over to turn off the light. You do say that you would like her to read more.

--You should read up on trading screen time for reading, and how it affects intrinsic motivation.

--Allowing your child to make requests that you actually consider and then giving in to some can really foster a good relationship, so I think it's good that you posted the question here and are going to continue the conversation. I think you can still have high expectations by being a bit looser. Also, it's good for them to fail and for you teach consequences. So, she might be able to stay up later but if she can't wake up on her own then she loses the privilege. I mean she'll have to do that in the future to get to work on time.

[Anonymous]

Balance is important. I would increase bedtime by 15-20 minutes as a compromise and since reading is important it is a condition of weekday TV. I would not get an 11 a new Mac but I would give her an old one if she needs it and upgrade us. Same with iPads. Accidents happen with electronics. Always get a warranty. But, don't punish her for her friends or others mistakes.

[Anonymous]

where do you all get so much time in the day?

I have an 11 yo DD and we have all the same rules.

We used to have lights out at 10 (a year ago), but she was tired all the time. We inched it down little by little and now it is 9:00 PM and she wakes up so much happier in the mornings.

Def. no screen time during the week. With homework and snack and some outdoor playtime and music practice, there just wouldn't be time for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

OP I can relate to this. It was at about that age that my reading slowed down because of competing interests, and looking back, I wish it hadn't. There seem to be many more competing interests now than there were when we were all growing up.