11yo DD furious that we don't allow screens M-Th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:where do you all get so much time in the day?

I have an 11 yo DD and we have all the same rules.

We used to have lights out at 10 (a year ago), but she was tired all the time. We inched it down little by little and now it is 9:00 PM and she wakes up so much happier in the mornings.

Def. no screen time during the week. With homework and snack and some outdoor playtime and music practice, there just wouldn't be time for it!

My kid (11 years old, 5th grade) rarely has more than 30 minutes of homework, if that.

Snack time is in the car on the way home, or between school and her after school activities.

She does an activity immediately after school 3x a week; 2 days of that is a sport so that covers physical activity.

We don't do an instrument but we do supplemental academics that take up to half an hour per day.

Bedtime is between 9 and 9:30.

On her busiest day, she's home by 5:15, homework including supplemental stuff is done NLT 6:15, dinner is generally from around 6:30 to around 7 or 7:15, chores take no more than 30 minutes, and she's left with 90 minutes to 2 hours of free time. Any free time she gets, she can spend doing whatever activity she wants, including screen time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:where do you all get so much time in the day?

I have an 11 yo DD and we have all the same rules.

We used to have lights out at 10 (a year ago), but she was tired all the time. We inched it down little by little and now it is 9:00 PM and she wakes up so much happier in the mornings.

Def. no screen time during the week. With homework and snack and some outdoor playtime and music practice, there just wouldn't be time for it!

+1

We just tried screen time during the week with DD and it was a fail. There was just too much to get done after getting home that if the screens come out, the inevitable " just a few more minutes" starts and it goes downhill.
We also expect that there is some studying beyond the easy homework that is brought home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in the city and don't have a car so have no idea about front or back seats.

My 11 yr old is supposed to be in bed by 9 and lights out by 9:30 but that never happens and i consider it a success if she's in bed by 10.

She watches a shit-ton of tv, has Pinterest, Instagram and an iPod touch. She gets straight A's, was on varsity volleyball, is now in track, and ice skates and has friends.

How does your 11yr old have an Instagram account. You have to be at least 13yr old to have an account.

Also, how is an 11yr old on varsity volleyball?

NP - Some middle schools have JV/Varsity sections too. It's just away to section off the better players without dividing by age.

Also, Gmail doesn't allow account if you are under 13. I made my kids accounts, and put in a different birth year. Very easy, and the internet police didn't knock down my door. I'm the parent, I set the rules.

Whoa, you are the parent you set the rules??? No - gmail and Instagram set the rules. You disobeyed them AND you are teaching your kids that rules don't apply to you and can be changed to your liking.

And by the way, if someone reported your 11yr old on Instagram (a friend, enemy, family member etc..) they would delete her account on the spot. Happens all the time. She just hasn't gotten caught breaking the rules her mom doesn't like to follow.

Kudos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:where do you all get so much time in the day?

I have an 11 yo DD and we have all the same rules.

We used to have lights out at 10 (a year ago), but she was tired all the time. We inched it down little by little and now it is 9:00 PM and she wakes up so much happier in the mornings.

Def. no screen time during the week. With homework and snack and some outdoor playtime and music practice, there just wouldn't be time for it!

My kid (11 years old, 5th grade) rarely has more than 30 minutes of homework, if that.

Snack time is in the car on the way home, or between school and her after school activities.

She does an activity immediately after school 3x a week; 2 days of that is a sport so that covers physical activity.

We don't do an instrument but we do supplemental academics that take up to half an hour per day.

Bedtime is between 9 and 9:30.

On her busiest day, she's home by 5:15, homework including supplemental stuff is done NLT 6:15, dinner is generally from around 6:30 to around 7 or 7:15, chores take no more than 30 minutes, and she's left with 90 minutes to 2 hours of free time. Any free time she gets, she can spend doing whatever activity she wants, including screen time.

My DD does other activities at least 4 nights a week so no way would have hours of leisure in the evening. It's the same with her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13yr old JUST was allowed to sit in the front and I hate it.

It is the death seat. I make her put the seat all the way back. It makes me so nervous.

Get a grip. In less than 3 years she'll be DRIVING a car. Assuming you'll allow it.

The issue is the airbags. If you have a newer car with sensors, it is much better. Otherwise it isn't that much safer.

I agree and I'm not advocating for pre-teens sitting in the front seat. My snark was directed at her being so nervous about her 13 year old daughter sitting in the front seat. Seriously, wait until they drive off alone for the first time (among other milestones). It just baffles me that some people don't let their teen watch primetime television or leave a 15 year old alone overnight. Then again, my 14 year old daughter watches The Walking Dead with me so I'm the nutty outlier on the other end of the bell curve.

I am the PP that is so nervous. Should I mention I had a friend in elementary school that was killed sitting in the passenger seat at the age of 9. Her mother went on to be very proactive about wearing seat belts, is a car seat technician and is still on a panel to have the APA's recommendation of no less than a 13yr old in a front seat of a car become a law in states. Yes, it has to do with airbags but even before airbags, it has always been the deadliest seat in a car. My 13yr old weighs 85lbs. I didn't not allow it, I just said it is nervous seeing her up there. Thinking of my friend and the regret her mom has. Everyone wants their child to be safe. I am not a helicopter but this is just near to my heart. I see 50lb 8yr olds, not only without a booster but in a front seat of a car. It is just such an easy thing to do - keeping kids safe in cars. If your car gets struck, your hit a guardrail, you flip etc... you just want your child safe. It is a no brainer for me.

And yes, I will be very nervous when she drives off on her own for the first time. I haven't met a mother that isn't. But that is over 3.5yrs away. 3yrs ago she was 10 and I would have never let her in the front seat. So age does make a difference and time changes many things. Have a nice night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

I have older kids. Our oldest just graduated from college. We have three in college. And a 16 year old at home. Your house, your rules. Period. If those are your rules, then she'll have to learn to live with them.

However, you did ask for opinions.....

As long as my kids did their homework, kept their grades up, and participated regularly in at least one extra-curricular activity, we didn't limit screen time. We didn't have to - It was a self-correcting problem. There just is not a whole lot of time leftover. When my kids were middle school aged and younger, we had a "no technology one hour before bedtime rule". That's usually when they read. I'm not sure why you are choosing this as a hill to die on. It sounds like she is doing what she is supposed to do.

By 11 I allowed my kids to ride in the front seat occasionally. I put the seat as far back as possible. I only allowed it if we were going a short distance in minimal traffic and perfect weather.

8:45 seems a little early. She might feel better if it were in bed by 9 lights out by 9:30. Just the sound of 8 -anything sounds early. Maybe a compromise might help her feel a little more grown up?

She's not going to read more just because you limit screen time. My college junior read so much at that age that we actually had to take away books because she would read to the exclusion of everything else. My kids had unlimited access to television and computers assuming all of their work was done. My college freshman never liked to read. She somehow managed to write papers on books she never read. Some kids just love reading and others don't.

What your daughter is really asking for is a little more control over her schedule and a little more independence. So compromise with her. Don't give in, but ask for her input and give her a little more freedom. I'll bet you'll be surprised by how well she steps up to new responsibilities.

That more succinctly sums up what I was going to say.

[Anonymous]

DD, now 12, has never had an recreational screen time during the week either. For one thing, there is no time! For another, at 11 they still cannot judge/balance their own time. By the time she is in high school, we will drop this rule and let her self-regulate.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a problem with my kids watching the tv.. It's the iPad I can't stand. So I usually keep it hidden so the kids can't find it then they find other things to do.
9:00 bed time sounds appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.


Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

I don't know if excessively strict is the right way to look at this. But, it seems like you have rules for the sake of rules. As your kids grow up, you have to re-evaluate when something is no longer necessary and/or no longer works. In this case, it seems to me that your goal of no screen time (ie, reading) isn't working so why would you arbitrarily stick to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.


Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

I don't know if excessively strict is the right way to look at this. But, it seems like you have rules for the sake of rules. As your kids grow up, you have to re-evaluate when something is no longer necessary and/or no longer works. In this case, it seems to me that your goal of no screen time (ie, reading) isn't working so why would you arbitrarily stick to it?

Yes, this. Also, all my middle school's kid work is done on a Google Chrome. So if I made this arbitrary rule of "no screens" then he'd never get his homework done.

[Anonymous]

I'm excluding homework because writing a paper I don't characterize as "screen time".

When I mention "screen time" below, it is only for leisure.

My 8 year old son can earn up to 30 minutes of screen time per day for good behavior/instrument practice- which he can only use in the car when I am driving him to school the following morning. He has a 30 minute commute in the morning. He attends a private school. In the car, he is also required to do a few things before he gets screen time (math, geography, spelling) etc. Any screen time, he doesn't use during the week is rolled over into the weekend.

My 11 year old daughter who is a 6th grader could care less about screen time most of the time so it isn't even something we discuss.

On the weekends, I'm still fairly strict with screen time. My son generally spends about 1-1.5 on the pad during the weekend. They both generally watch some TV on Friday with my husband until I get home (maybe an hour or so). Saturday's they usually don't watch anything unless they have been particularly good/we don't have a lot of extra obligations. Sunday's they are not allowed to watch TV.

FWIW- My kids are very strong students. My expectation for my older one is that she will always get straight A's in the highest level classes offered. My younger one is expected to get A grades on tests. Unfortunately, the grading system for my younger one is meaningless- similar to MCPS where "ES" are magical unicorns.

I think when you are asking anonymously for advice on screen time, I think you would want it from parents who have similar values to yours or least understand their perspective in terms of child rearing first. I'm not sure how my values stack up against yours.

Since your daughter craves screen time and is a strong student, I would probably figure a way to allow a nominal amount each day. You could structure it as I'll let you have screen time on the way to practice IF you do XYZ. If XYZ is not accomplished, screen time is lost.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.

I'm curious- how old are your kids? By middle school, most school-sponsored sports have daily practice with 2-3 games per week. If you go the club route its not uncommon to have 3-4 nights per week. My kids are a freshman and junior, both are good (not great) at sports and aren't anywhere near a highly competitive level. Daughter has gymnastics 4 nights per week plus weekend competitions, son has basketball every week night, either practice or a game. Plus he works every other weekend at a grocery store. Its hectic at times but both have learned to manage their time very well and get most homework done in study hall or weekends. There are some late nights but its a trade off.

One night of sports per week is not common with older kids.

So with everything they do, if their homework is done I don't care how much screen time they have. Both have GPAs over 3.8 so if my son wants to play Destiny for hours on a night off, I gladly let him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's strict for an 11 yo. We allow 30 minutes per day during the week for our 10yo.

I can't speak to the bedtime issue. We try to have kids in bed, lights out by 9:00, but it usually ends up being 9:30. However, my kids don't have to get up until 8 (bus comes at 9).

I wouldn't allow an 11yo in the front seat. Our pediatrician has (jokingly) said no front seat until learner's permit. But that's just an indication of how seriously she takes this issue.

LOL. And then kids won't know directions or how to get around. I'm a petite person and couldn't even get to the grocery store when I started driving.

[Anonymous]

Your rules are very strict, imo. No screens is not really reasonable if she is excelling in the other areas of her life. Which it sounds like she is. Why not say you get screens after you read for 30 min. instead? Then you're getting what you want. The kids who succeed have no screens thing is total BS. There is nothing to support that. A generation of kids were parked in front of the TV and have gone on to succeed.

You can "stick to your judgment" all you want. But, you're not going to change a kid who doesn't buy into your values. This was my parents. They kept me on a strict, strict leash. I had the earliest curfews, had the least freedom of all my friends despite being honor roll, in activities, and working. I always, always resented it. Why was I doing all this only to not be trusted?

I urge you to have some flexibility in your standards. And to talk to her about your decisions, rather than just dictating from on high. That may work with some kids. But not all. It didn't work with me at all.