11yo DD furious that we don't allow screens M-Th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - To clarify is screen time watching tv and being on the computer or does it also mean phone talking or texting, too? In either case, I assume she would be using a computer in an open access place in your home? What is your rule in terms of a cell phone?

I think you sound like a great Mom and showing some flexibility is the right way to go, but not caving all the way to say daily screen time would seem important. How much depends on keeping it still more for the weekends and also on what she has for homework and outside activities on a given weekday.

Not so sure I am a good mom - I recently let her have an Instagam account and sometimes I have to literally pry her phone from her fingers. Screen time means phone, computer, TV. She doesn't talk on the phone much. Computer use in public area of home. What she wants to do with her screen time is either play video games or watch Dance Moms (will do this for hours).

[Anonymous]

One of the reasons I am thinking about relaxing the screen rule is that after the kids go to bed, WE relax with screens...for hours sometimes! DD's latest report card was one B and the rest As. B was because she missed a quiz when we went out of town (unexcused absence) so really our fault.

[Anonymous]

Front Seat - absolutely not, maybe at age 12 or Jr. High though. Bedtime - I think is fine. My 10 year old DS has to be in bed by 8:30 pm and can read until 9 pm with lights out. He has to be up by 7:30 am and does it most mornings on his own. If you're constantly having to wake her up, then it's not early enough. If she's always up before she needs to, then you can probably push it back some.

Screen time in our house is no computer games/xbox etc. Sunday evening through Thursday evening. He can watch TV if his homework is done, or use the computer for school based projects/homework only. We haven't had to set a limit on TV time right now because he has so many sports, but as he starts to drop them, I can see a time when TV time might have to be limited. I totally get where you're coming from by banning even TV during the week hoping that will make them read, but we tried that, and it pushed DS to NEVER want to read except for he was required to do for school. Once we stopped it, he slowly started adding a book or two in every once in a while without me asking. Basically it's about picking your battles with this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok...first, bed time is probably a little early. Heck, when my DD was 11, sports practices often did not end until 9 (Softball in spring & Basketball in winter).

Screen time, well, kids use it for communications...HW will soon require computer time (Middle school for sure). Too Strict, IMHO.

Recommended sleep for kids this age is "at least 10 hours" a day, according to the CDC. OP's daughter wakes at 6:15. To get 10 hours, she'd have to be in bed, asleep, at 8:15 p.m. That's not going to happen for most kids, but at least with OP's current plan (lights out at 9), she has a chance of getting 9 hours.

(And looking ahead, recommended sleep for teens is 9-10 hours. Not sure any teen actually gets that, though.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - To clarify is screen time watching tv and being on the computer or does it also mean phone talking or texting, too? In either case, I assume she would be using a computer in an open access place in your home? What is your rule in terms of a cell phone?

I think you sound like a great Mom and showing some flexibility is the right way to go, but not caving all the way to say daily screen time would seem important. How much depends on keeping it still more for the weekends and also on what she has for homework and outside activities on a given weekday.

Not so sure I am a good mom - I recently let her have an Instagam account and sometimes I have to literally pry her phone from her fingers. Screen time means phone, computer, TV. She doesn't talk on the phone much. Computer use in public area of home. What she wants to do with her screen time is either play video games or watch Dance Moms (will do this for hours).

It's against the law to let an 11 yo have an Instagram account. You broke federal law there.

[Anonymous]

The screen time is the only rule that seems strict to me.

Our family doesn't have screen time limits as long as all other obligations are being met, including academics, extra-curriculars, physical activity, and family time.

What do you think about offering her a trial period where she can manage her screen time on her own, and you see how she does with balancing everything? Then, you can use the results of the experiment to reevaluate the screen time rules and discuss with her the reasons behind whatever ends up being your ultimate decision.

[Anonymous]

My son is 10. On weekdays, he can have screen time after homework is completed, but only until dinner. After dinner, he has the option to either watch something with us as a family or read/listen to music/take a shower/call a friend/etc. When the weather is warmer and the days are longer, I also make him play outside for 30 minutes before he can use a screen.

Bedtime is at 9PM, lights out by 9:30PM. He sits in the front seat of the car, but he's 5'4"-ish and more than 90 lbs, so he fits. If he didn't fit, he wouldn't be allowed to sit there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok...first, bed time is probably a little early. Heck, when my DD was 11, sports practices often did not end until 9 (Softball in spring & Basketball in winter).

Screen time, well, kids use it for communications...HW will soon require computer time (Middle school for sure). Too Strict, IMHO.

Recommended sleep for kids this age is "at least 10 hours" a day, according to the CDC. OP's daughter wakes at 6:15. To get 10 hours, she'd have to be in bed, asleep, at 8:15 p.m. That's not going to happen for most kids, but at least with OP's current plan (lights out at 9), she has a chance of getting 9 hours.

(And looking ahead, recommended sleep for teens is 9-10 hours. Not sure any teen actually gets that, though.)

Wow, my teens (in high school now) are lucky to get 6.

[Anonymous]

My DS was around 11 or 12 when he started complaining about some of the similar rules we had. I think this is part of the normal development of the tween/teen. I think only you can decide how rigid to be on your rules. What we did was give a little in a few areas my son cared about while holding the line on things we considered more important. This did improve things at home; DS felt more respected and trusted and stopped arguing with us about some of the other house rules.

[Anonymous]

Excessive, especially if she's in Junior High. If she's meeting your expectations, I'd loosen the reigns a bit.

Fight the fights worth fighting...this isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

We had similar rules. My older DC if given an inch on screens would take a mile. Their was no negotiating on that, well there was, but it turned into a policing nightmare. Younger DC saw this, negotiated as well - but was a completely different child and actually complied. I don't think you are overly strict, but you know your child.

[Anonymous]

We have always had this rule during the school year. Lately she is really upset about it. She says she just "wants to be normal". She says she is the only one. She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems. She plays soccer 3 nights a week. She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal. She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too. She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime. She says this is also crazy. She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read. She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time. I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat. I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still. She weighs 80 pounds.

I have older kids. Our oldest just graduated from college. We have three in college. And a 16 year old at home. Your house, your rules. Period. If those are your rules, then she'll have to learn to live with them.

However, you did ask for opinions.....

As long as my kids did their homework, kept their grades up, and participated regularly in at least one extra-curricular activity, we didn't limit screen time. We didn't have to - It was a self-correcting problem. There just is not a whole lot of time leftover. When my kids were middle school aged and younger, we had a "no technology one hour before bedtime rule". That's usually when they read. I'm not sure why you are choosing this as a hill to die on. It sounds like she is doing what she is supposed to do.

By 11 I allowed my kids to ride in the front seat occasionally. I put the seat as far back as possible. I only allowed it if we were going a short distance in minimal traffic and perfect weather.

8:45 seems a little early. She might feel better if it were in bed by 9 lights out by 9:30. Just the sound of 8 -anything sounds early. Maybe a compromise might help her feel a little more grown up?

She's not going to read more just because you limit screen time. My college junior read so much at that age that we actually had to take away books because she would read to the exclusion of everything else. My kids had unlimited access to television and computers assuming all of their work was done. My college freshman never liked to read. She somehow managed to write papers on books she never read. Some kids just love reading and others don't.

What your daughter is really asking for is a little more control over her schedule and a little more independence. So compromise with her. Don't give in, but ask for her input and give her a little more freedom. I'll bet you'll be surprised by how well she steps up to new responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

This all sounds normal to me.

[Anonymous]

I think at 11-yo you can allow some.

I never understood the families that restrict it m-th and then allow anything goes on the weekends.

Everything in moderation is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to ANYTHING.

My kids are 7 and 9 and they are very into sports---so between sports and homework there aren't many hours in the evening. This helps tremendously. If they finished homework, read for a bit...and had practice--I let them watch an hour or so (often they only have time for 30min). If it's very close to bedtime-then 'no'. The nights they just have homework/reading and no sports (if we've gotten some physical activity) they can watch some Tv/play a game on the ipad.

I think too strict is almost as bad as too lenient when it comes to kids. That's just my personal opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think at 11-yo you can allow some.

I never understood the families that restrict it m-th and then allow anything goes on the weekends.

Everything in moderation is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to ANYTHING.

My kids are 7 and 9 and they are very into sports---so between sports and homework there aren't many hours in the evening. This helps tremendously. If they finished homework, read for a bit...and had practice--I let them watch an hour or so (often they only have time for 30min). If it's very close to bedtime-then 'no'. The nights they just have homework/reading and no sports (if we've gotten some physical activity) they can watch some Tv/play a game on the ipad.

I think too strict is almost as bad as too lenient when it comes to kids. That's just my personal opinion.

Also--kids kept on super-duper tight leashes and restrictions tend to go nuts once they are away on their own. They never learned to manage.