I thought we were mutually exclusive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating 8 weeks and finally you put out? He got tired of waiting and went to his FWB.

Next time dont' wait so much.

We have a winner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also agree with pp. I feel he tried to downplay the situation. His rationale was that nothing happened between them so its all good. He didnt even bring up exclusivity. He knows he is in the wrong and by is why he has called 8 times to apologize and get me to respond.

Calling 8 times is rude, he's trying too hard here to "get you back" and it reads like a game. I'm sorry OP, I would make a clean break now and be glad you only wasted 8 weeks

How is calling 8 times rude? He has called 9 and texted like around 10. How is it a " game"? Can't he be genuinely sorry? I don't believe he is controlling. I wouldn't say he is the most attractive but he happens to be very successful.

Whoa. So you are challenging posters trying to help, defending this guys looks and earnings now. So go back to him, why are you posting here?

[Anonymous]

My husband (who has never cheated on anyone, as far as I know) thinks this is not that big of a deal. You didn't discuss exclusivity and you weren't sleeping together and you hadn't been together that long. Unless there are other red flags, I think this one is up to you and your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not sleep with someone until he has brought up exclusivity.

You don't get laid much.

I get laid quite often, thank you very much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also agree with pp. I feel he tried to downplay the situation. His rationale was that nothing happened between them so its all good. He didnt even bring up exclusivity. He knows he is in the wrong and by is why he has called 8 times to apologize and get me to respond.

Calling 8 times is rude, he's trying too hard here to "get you back" and it reads like a game. I'm sorry OP, I would make a clean break now and be glad you only wasted 8 weeks

How is calling 8 times rude? He has called 9 and texted like around 10. How is it a " game"? Can't he be genuinely sorry? I don't believe he is controlling. I wouldn't say he is the most attractive but he happens to be very successful.

Whoa. So you are challenging posters trying to help, defending this guys looks and earnings now. So go back to him, why are you posting here?

I was asking and answering questions.

[Anonymous]

rather than thinking about you, texting you, trying to continue contact while you were out of town..he took an easy way to get off..with some FWB.


He is sooo not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:rather than thinking about you, texting you, trying to continue contact while you were out of town..he took an easy way to get off..with some FWB.


He is sooo not worth it.

+1. I think that is the part that is troubling because he gave every indication that you were a couple and then backtracked. It's fine if he doesn't want to commit yet but he needed to be honest about it. A few words of dating advice though, you have to be explicit with your questions with guys so there is no room for misunderstanding. My sister and I were just joking how you have to ask questions 2-3 ways. I mean there are guys that are still living with their wives but are allegedly trying to split up and will look you in the eye and say "well you didn't ask if I was living with my wife". As I slap my forehead and wonder how that wasn't covered under if you are seeing anyone. So I explicitly ask are you married/have you been married, do you have any children, are you living with anyone, is there someone that you see/talk to/sleep with of the opposite gender , are we agreeing to both take our profiles down from Internet dating site, if you change your mind will you be honest and let me know ... I don't ask it all the same day but over the course of the first month. Now there will be people that lie but there are some that you can figure out the body language that they are not being honest or if pressed directly they will be honest. Small consolation but you won't feel like the saying "don't piss on me and tell me it's raining" when you get "but you didn't ask..."

Also, it is sometimes easier to make up your mind about a person when you don't see them as often. It's tough to see someone 2-3 times a week and spend weekends together but still just making up your mind about someone for the not unusual 7-8 weeks before becoming exclusive. Someone ends up feeling defacto exclusive. My preference is to take it slower in terms of time and commitment ao in that 2 month period I may have gone out with 2-3 other guys (not sleeping with any) and feel like I can make a decision to be exclusive with just one of them, not lock myself into exclusively dating the first guy that seems decent but maybe we don't have as much in common and miss out on going out on dates with the other guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband (who has never cheated on anyone, as far as I know) thinks this is not that big of a deal. You didn't discuss exclusivity and you weren't sleeping together and you hadn't been together that long. Unless there are other red flags, I think this one is up to you and your gut.

I agree with him from the perspective that I have dated more than one woman at the same time, but once I sleep with one and it is apparent that we are going to be together on different levels at least in the near term. I stop seeing the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I write this, I am very hurt. I have ( or was) dating a guy for the past 7-8 weeks. Everything seemed to be okay, or so I thought. We have been doing "normal" couple things; it was great. I have even been a date for a family wedding. I thought we were on an awesome start to a long-lasting relationship. Then the shocker..I am over at his place, using his laptop, and I find a chat message with another woman. The conversation was right there as I opened the computer. Apparently he invited an FWB over to hook up. I also happened to be out of town.

I understand that we are early in the relationship but I am still hurt. He told me it was a bad judgement call and I am making too much of a bid deal out of nothing. We never had any exclusivity talk but we were both under the assumption that no other parties were in the picture. I have met all of his friends and majority of family. He introduced me as his girlfriend.

I am understandably upset and confused. On one hand, we never had any exclusivity talk, but who does these days? On the contrary, I don't know if I can be mad or constitute this as cheating if we aren't in a relationship. I had no reason to place distrust in him until this moment.

This is a vent but I would like opinions and thoughts on this.

NP here and I haven't read the other replies yet. Just wanted to say this happened to me…we were in law school, had a few false starts, then finally got together; time passed, I thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend, we had had sex…one night we're in a restaurant and I said something and he responded, "well you don't think we're in a relationship, do you? " blah blah blah…

Look, OP, I'm not one to jump into anything and compared to most people, I've had very few relationships, so please believe me, we were clearly acting like a couple and this was a total surprise.

I broke it off; after a bit, he came back full of apologies and our "relationship" was formally established.

There was a cycle to it: we'd be in a phase, then not move forward in the relationship; I'd break it off, after a delay he'd come back begging or what have you and then we'd move forward in the relationship. Then he'd start taking me for granted, I'd break it off…etc. Every cycle ended with us being more deeply involved.

It was like being in an abusive relationship but without the physical abuse. It was like neglectful abuse. OMG I can still remember one time, maybe our last time, when I had broken up with him and one night he showed up and started sobbing, telling me how he loved me and how "he'd love me even when I was old" blah blah. I went back to him and then…he would be indifferent again.

This culminated in us being broken up and, when the time came, he came to me begging me to tell him if he should take a job in (the city I was going to upon graduation) or NYC. He wanted to know if there was any chance we could be together, if I still loved him, so he could take that into consideration. I didn't want him to blow his career on the prospect of our rocky relationship, so I wouldn't tell him. But I loved him and it was hard to not say anything.

He kept at it, asking me. Finally I broke down. I cried and begged him to come with me to (x city). After he left, some time went by and I didn't see him. I ran into him one day and asked him what he decided. "oh, yeah. I decided to go to New York."

That M-FKR. He had just wanted to break me. He got that, so he moved on.

OP, I don't think this behavior is thought out. I think it operates on a very subconscious level.

So whatever you do, OP, if you get back with him, watch for this pattern. It's very hard to get out of these kinds of relationships, but it's possible and then for the rest of your life, you are so thankful you dodged a bullet. I know he's married now, and even though I've never met his wife, I know she's miserable, because he cannot function in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again...also, how did you feel when he introduced you as his GF to his friends and family just one month out? Did it feel rushed at the time, or surprising, or just right?

Yeah, this actually wigs me out more than his calling a FWB before you guys truly said you were exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again...also, how did you feel when he introduced you as his GF to his friends and family just one month out? Did it feel rushed at the time, or surprising, or just right?

Yeah, this actually wigs me out more than his calling a FWB before you guys truly said you were exclusive.

Man here. The appropriate thing to do is introduce simply as, I would like you to meet....... Obviously if a man is introducing someone to friends and family, they understand there is some kind of chemistry going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I am still unsure of what to do. I am still feeling pissed off and betrayed. I'm not the type to sleep around and he knew that. I was up front with him about that. He knew what he was getting into and assured me he was fine with waiting. I think I would be less mad if we didnt have sex. I believe intercourse is more intimate than oral ( in my opinion). To know that he almost fucked someone else and then turned around and slept with me is like a slap in the face. I've never been in this situation; its frustrating.

He has also stopped reaching out since early this morning. He told me it was the last time he was reaching out without any reaction from me.

I agree with you- I think all these people saying oral is the same as intercourse are a bunch of prudes, or else just really odd and out of touch with modern dating. I say cut him off. How attractive is he? I have to say, maybe if this guy had the looks of say, Joe Manganiello, then I would consider forgivness. but unless he is some unbelievable catch I would be giving him his walking orders.

As one of the PP's I didn't say oral was the same, I said it was more intimate to put a naked penis (and typically, semen) in your mouth than a condom covered penis in your vagina. Not a prude at all, just saying I don't get why not having sex is considered 'making him wait' when he is already getting BJ's. Quite familiar with modern dating thanks- when I want to have sex, I just do.
But it doesn't matter how I see it because OP sees it differently which is her prerogative and I respect that.

OP you should feel pissed and betrayed because he betrayed you. I hope you move on and don't give him another chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:rather than thinking about you, texting you, trying to continue contact while you were out of town..he took an easy way to get off..with some FWB.


He is sooo not worth it.

+1. I think that is the part that is troubling because he gave every indication that you were a couple and then backtracked. It's fine if he doesn't want to commit yet but he needed to be honest about it. A few words of dating advice though, you have to be explicit with your questions with guys so there is no room for misunderstanding. My sister and I were just joking how you have to ask questions 2-3 ways. I mean there are guys that are still living with their wives but are allegedly trying to split up and will look you in the eye and say "well you didn't ask if I was living with my wife". As I slap my forehead and wonder how that wasn't covered under if you are seeing anyone. So I explicitly ask are you married/have you been married, do you have any children, are you living with anyone, is there someone that you see/talk to/sleep with of the opposite gender , are we agreeing to both take our profiles down from Internet dating site, if you change your mind will you be honest and let me know ... I don't ask it all the same day but over the course of the first month. Now there will be people that lie but there are some that you can figure out the body language that they are not being honest or if pressed directly they will be honest. Small consolation but you won't feel like the saying "don't piss on me and tell me it's raining" when you get "but you didn't ask..."

Also, it is sometimes easier to make up your mind about a person when you don't see them as often. It's tough to see someone 2-3 times a week and spend weekends together but still just making up your mind about someone for the not unusual 7-8 weeks before becoming exclusive. Someone ends up feeling defacto exclusive. My preference is to take it slower in terms of time and commitment ao in that 2 month period I may have gone out with 2-3 other guys (not sleeping with any) and feel like I can make a decision to be exclusive with just one of them, not lock myself into exclusively dating the first guy that seems decent but maybe we don't have as much in common and miss out on going out on dates with the other guys.

This is an excellent post with great advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, you got played. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

I want to clarify some things. Yes we did have oral. Around 5 or 6 times.

We didnt date traditionally, I guess you can say. After the second date, we were hanging out 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. I spent weekends at his place. When he introduced me, he introduced me as girlfriend to his friends, immediate family, and extended family.

You are right, we never had an actual talk but most don't nowadays. When you are going on several dates a week, sleeping together in some form, going to family weddings, etc. it's normally safe to say you are in a relationship. We never said the word exclusive but had the talk that we weren't seeing anyone else and we both wanted it that way.

I am very hurt because we did have sex; it happened to be amazing! We really just clicked from the start. He was the one who initiated the conversation about dating others and called me his girlfriend.

His explanation was that he made a bad judgement call because he was drunk. He never turned down the fact that I thought we were exclusive. In fact, I was suppose to meet a friend that is an old-ex when he came into town. That was scheduled way before we even met. When I mentioned those plans he told me he would feel it was cheating for me to have lunch with my ex. He knew what he did was wrong. That is what I have the problem with.

He is a cheater. You need to break up. You talked about not seeing anyone else, that was the exclusive talk. And he introduced you as his gf. You will find someone else, don't listen to his excuses.