I thought we were mutually exclusive

[Anonymous]

Maybe you aren't marriage material like you think you are just because you didn't put out for 8 weeks instead of 4 weeks. Maybe the slut who did put out knows better than to marry and have kids with a loser like the one you're getting stuck with.

[Anonymous]

Did he tell you he was going to refer to you as his GF? Or were you just surprised when he introduced you as such?

When my fiance and I first started dating, he let me know he cut off all the other girls he was seeing. I was dating another guy, and it took me a bit longer to cut that guy out. I would've been rather put off if he introduced me as his GF without us talking about that first. (He also invited me to a family wedding 8 hours away, which I declined because I felt it was too soon.)

Anyway, because I can't sleep with 2 people at the same time, when it got to that point I had to choose. So, I let my now fiance know I stopped seeing the other dude. At which point, we talked about not seeing other people and made our relationship "official".

I don't see how you can have an understanding of boundaries without actually having that sort of discussion.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. Until you have had an exclusivity discussion (and yes, even nowadays, you need to have one), assume the other person is still dating others. Despite what it feels like on your end or whether or not you would do the same.

I've been in a similar situation to you, OP. Except I was 40 and the guys were late 40s. Yes, guys...happened to me 2x in my second go-around of dating. Even my current BF who is by far the best guy I've dated, even he has done a couple of things that bothered me. But I had that somewhat uncomfortable conversation with him early on. Nothing crazy, but after we slept together one day, he said, "I don't want to do this with anyone else!" Um, yeah, I assumed the same...but that was a light bulb moment that I was set to fall into the same situation as before. We talked and were exclusive from then on.

More often than not, you are not on the same page unless you have explicitly made your feelings clear, and taken the time to make sure the other person understands what you are trying to convey. In my experience, 8 weeks is not long enough for a single guy to give up all other dating options. I wish it were not so!

When you get to a point in time where you want to be exclusive, do not assume he feels the same...but take some initiative and let him know where you stand. Not an ultimatum, but ask questions and be curious about what he wants specifically. Do not leave gray areas.

[Anonymous]

I guess that could be where I went wrong? We never had an actual " talk" but around the month mark he asked if I was seeing anyone else and how he didnt want to be anyone but me. We both weren't and that to me was our sign of exclusivity. Later that week he introduced me as his girlfriend. So I never felt rushed because I went not as his date, but his girlfriend.

To the slut remark: I am not a southern. I'm from a big city in the Mid-West. I don't wait a certain number of months so I can appear " marriage material" or less promiscuous. I wait because that is my comfort zone. I prefer to build a little and become exclusive before I get in bed with a man.

[Anonymous]

The no sex thing kind of changes things. He called you his girlfriend, which he really shouldn't have done, but he probably didn't take your relationship seriously until you were sleeping together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess that could be where I went wrong? We never had an actual " talk" but around the month mark he asked if I was seeing anyone else and how he didnt want to be anyone but me. We both weren't and that to me was our sign of exclusivity. Later that week he introduced me as his girlfriend. So I never felt rushed because I went not as his date, but his girlfriend.

To the slut remark: I am not a southern. I'm from a big city in the Mid-West. I don't wait a certain number of months so I can appear " marriage material" or less promiscuous. I wait because that is my comfort zone. I prefer to build a little and become exclusive before I get in bed with a man.

I'm the PP at 10:38 and just saw this comment. This guy is not someone you want to build anything with. If he were a decent guy, he would not have led you to believe you were exclusive and then called an fwb. Lack of sex aside, if that was an issue he should've vocalized it instead of going behind your back.
I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage material is no better or no different than a drunk hook up friend with benefits. He didn't actually cheat? He was going to have sex one way or another. You women are in denial about your worth and importance. Are you Southerners, sorority sister types, who think that you are marriage material because you won't put out for an extra month longer than the sluts? Too funny.

+1
Plus I'm not understanding all of the not putting out talk. She was already sucking him off, to put it quite crudely. That's not more intimate than intercourse with a condom??

[Anonymous]

I don't mean to be a jerk. Just correcting you in case you are talking about this in real life:

You thought you were "exclusive," not "mutually exclusive."



Wishing you the best, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage material is no better or no different than a drunk hook up friend with benefits. He didn't actually cheat? He was going to have sex one way or another. You women are in denial about your worth and importance. Are you Southerners, sorority sister types, who think that you are marriage material because you won't put out for an extra month longer than the sluts? Too funny.

+1
Plus I'm not understanding all of the not putting out talk. She was already sucking him off, to put it quite crudely. That's not more intimate than intercourse with a condom??

For real. I don't do a BJ until after we are officially in a relationship. That is WAY more intimate. It's people who have gone through abstinence sex-ed who think that's some sort of loophole for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage material is no better or no different than a drunk hook up friend with benefits. He didn't actually cheat? He was going to have sex one way or another. You women are in denial about your worth and importance. Are you Southerners, sorority sister types, who think that you are marriage material because you won't put out for an extra month longer than the sluts? Too funny.

+1
Plus I'm not understanding all of the not putting out talk. She was already sucking him off, to put it quite crudely. That's not more intimate than intercourse with a condom??

For real. I don't do a BJ until after we are officially in a relationship. That is WAY more intimate. It's people who have gone through abstinence sex-ed who think that's some sort of loophole for sex.

x 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not sleep with someone until he has brought up exclusivity.

If you are not comfortable sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with someone else, you need to have the exclusivity talk first, before you sleep with him.

LOL

Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

I might give him another chance--I'd definitely hear him out after I calmed down. I'm guessing he rationalized sleeping with someone else since you weren't sleeping together. Also, 7-8 weeks isn't all that long unless you're spending a ton of time together. At that point, I'd probably had 4-5 dates with my current husband. I stopped seeing other people around date 4.

[Anonymous]

Considering he introduced you to his friends + his family as his GIRLFRIEND as well as invited you to a family wedding, I would have assumed that I was in an exclusive relationship w/him as well OP.

I do not think you made a big deal out of nothing and I think he is just saying this to you because he has nothing else to say to cover up his hide.

His true colors have emerged now and be thankful they have emerged now after only 8 weeks, some women don't find out their boyfriends are jerks until much later.

Leave this guy now and move on w/your life. If you continue on w/this farce of a relationship, you will only be subjecting yourself to a lifetime of pain, lies and ultimately betrayal.

When someone shows you their true colors, believe them the first time.

[Anonymous]

This guy has zero issues compartmentalizing his sex life. To him, sleepkng with a girl he isn't serious about means little, and he rationalizes it because it does not dilute his feelings for you in his mind. However, YOUR feelings were not considered, especially given that he knows how sex is not casual for you. This lack of consideration when the relationship is new, doesn't bode well. What is he going to do down the line when you have real stressors, history and conflicts? Have some casual sex elsewhere, I predict. Cut and run now, you haven't hit 30 yet. There is still time for something better. Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

I see the quote "When people show you who they are, believe them" all the time on here. I've never fully understood the quote. It's so black and white, and it doesn't allow for the fact that all people mess up.