I thought we were mutually exclusive

[Anonymous]

As I write this, I am very hurt. I have ( or was) dating a guy for the past 7-8 weeks. Everything seemed to be okay, or so I thought. We have been doing "normal" couple things; it was great. I have even been a date for a family wedding. I thought we were on an awesome start to a long-lasting relationship. Then the shocker..I am over at his place, using his laptop, and I find a chat message with another woman. The conversation was right there as I opened the computer. Apparently he invited an FWB over to hook up. I also happened to be out of town.

I understand that we are early in the relationship but I am still hurt. He told me it was a bad judgement call and I am making too much of a bid deal out of nothing. We never had any exclusivity talk but we were both under the assumption that no other parties were in the picture. I have met all of his friends and majority of family. He introduced me as his girlfriend.

I am understandably upset and confused. On one hand, we never had any exclusivity talk, but who does these days? On the contrary, I don't know if I can be mad or constitute this as cheating if we aren't in a relationship. I had no reason to place distrust in him until this moment.

This is a vent but I would like opinions and thoughts on this.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I think this is pretty sneaky and I would definitely be wary of trusting a guy who pulled this. If he is introducing you as his "girlfriend", then yes, there is an expectation of exclusivity. Unless of course, he is cool with his GF hooking up with other dudes. And even if he is, that is the general standard for "Girlfriends", that they are exclusive.

What he did was really shitty.

[Anonymous]

It is dicey since you didn't discuss exclusivity, but if he's introducing you as his girlfriend and he is still with his FWB that's sketchy.

I also don't like that he's trying to minimize it so you feel like you're in the wrong for being upset.

I get a bad feeling about this one. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I do not sleep with someone until he has brought up exclusivity.

If you are not comfortable sleeping with someone who may be sleeping with someone else, you need to have the exclusivity talk first, before you sleep with him.

[Anonymous]

Red flag!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you didn't have the 'technical' exclusive talk, but if he was introducing you to family members at a wedding as his girlfriend, the implication of exclusivity was there. In fact, if I'm being cynical, I might say that he explicitly introduced you using the term 'girlfriend' so you would assume you were exclusive and not ever initiate the technical talk. That way, if/when what did just happen, actually happened, he could say exactly what he just did - that you "weren't exclusive" as an out.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. We have only slept together once. That was Friday night, then I found all this out yesterday morning. We went into this relationship with the " I'm not looking for someone who wants to date around" mantra. He told me in the beginning that he is seeking a serious relationship and is not interested in a woman who is looking to date around. I want the same thing. From then on it was more of a silent exclusivity.

I don't sleep around and that is exactly why I waited. Now I can't help but feel duped, especially since we just had sex. A part of me finds this so shady that he is in contact with other women yet is calling me his girlfriend. It's hurtful and confusing. Right now I am not talking to him but he is trying his best to get me to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. We have only slept together once. That was Friday night, then I found all this out yesterday morning. We went into this relationship with the " I'm not looking for someone who wants to date around" mantra. He told me in the beginning that he is seeking a serious relationship and is not interested in a woman who is looking to date around. I want the same thing. From then on it was more of a silent exclusivity.

I don't sleep around and that is exactly why I waited. Now I can't help but feel duped, especially since we just had sex. A part of me finds this so shady that he is in contact with other women yet is calling me his girlfriend. It's hurtful and confusing. Right now I am not talking to him but he is trying his best to get me to.

I'm sorry OP. This is a tough one. I would say listen to your gut- does it tell you that this was truly a one off, or does it say that this is a pattern? Truthfully, I think it sounds like the former. He doesnt sound like an honest person. But sometimes people do make mistakes. But if it were me, I would be looking out for other clues as to his intention.

[Anonymous]

I also agree with pp. I feel he tried to downplay the situation. His rationale was that nothing happened between them so its all good. He didnt even bring up exclusivity. He knows he is in the wrong and by is why he has called 8 times to apologize and get me to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is dicey since you didn't discuss exclusivity, but if he's introducing you as his girlfriend and he is still with his FWB that's sketchy.

I also don't like that he's trying to minimize it so you feel like you're in the wrong for being upset.

I get a bad feeling about this one. Sorry.

x2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. We have only slept together once. That was Friday night, then I found all this out yesterday morning. We went into this relationship with the " I'm not looking for someone who wants to date around" mantra. He told me in the beginning that he is seeking a serious relationship and is not interested in a woman who is looking to date around. I want the same thing. From then on it was more of a silent exclusivity.

I don't sleep around and that is exactly why I waited. Now I can't help but feel duped, especially since we just had sex. A part of me finds this so shady that he is in contact with other women yet is calling me his girlfriend. It's hurtful and confusing. Right now I am not talking to him but he is trying his best to get me to.

I'm sorry OP. This is a tough one. I would say listen to your gut- does it tell you that this was truly a one off, or does it say that this is a pattern? Truthfully, I think it sounds like the former. He doesnt sound like an honest person. But sometimes people do make mistakes. But if it were me, I would be looking out for other clues as to his intention.

Truthfully, I have no clue. I never had any doubt in his intentions or him being trustworthy. This has made me see him in a different light. I want to believe it was a one-time mistake but I don't know him well enough to be certain. It sucks because I am the one who is tore up in a knot over this. I didn't peg him for this type of guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. We have only slept together once. That was Friday night, then I found all this out yesterday morning. We went into this relationship with the " I'm not looking for someone who wants to date around" mantra. He told me in the beginning that he is seeking a serious relationship and is not interested in a woman who is looking to date around. I want the same thing. From then on it was more of a silent exclusivity.

I don't sleep around and that is exactly why I waited. Now I can't help but feel duped, especially since we just had sex. A part of me finds this so shady that he is in contact with other women yet is calling me his girlfriend. It's hurtful and confusing. Right now I am not talking to him but he is trying his best to get me to.

I'm sorry OP. This is a tough one. I would say listen to your gut- does it tell you that this was truly a one off, or does it say that this is a pattern? Truthfully, I think it sounds like the former. He doesnt sound like an honest person. But sometimes people do make mistakes. But if it were me, I would be looking out for other clues as to his intention.

Truthfully, I have no clue. I never had any doubt in his intentions or him being trustworthy. This has made me see him in a different light. I want to believe it was a one-time mistake but I don't know him well enough to be certain. It sucks because I am the one who is tore up in a knot over this. I didn't peg him for this type of guy.

Yeah, well I think if this is already happening so early in the relationship then it's a major red flag and I could only imagine what he will do down the road. At the very least it shows really bad decision making, and many would say it shows deliberate deception/cheating. I personally wouldnt want to trust my heart to this person. I think you deserve more, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op when did he hook up with the fwb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. We have only slept together once. That was Friday night, then I found all this out yesterday morning. We went into this relationship with the " I'm not looking for someone who wants to date around" mantra. He told me in the beginning that he is seeking a serious relationship and is not interested in a woman who is looking to date around. I want the same thing. From then on it was more of a silent exclusivity.

I don't sleep around and that is exactly why I waited. Now I can't help but feel duped, especially since we just had sex. A part of me finds this so shady that he is in contact with other women yet is calling me his girlfriend. It's hurtful and confusing. Right now I am not talking to him but he is trying his best to get me to.

Wait - so you slept with him Friday night, and saw the messages to his FWB Saturday morning? How old was the message to his FWB? I understand when you saw it, but when did he actually send it? Was he trying to sleep with her after he slept with you, or was the message from weeks/a month ago, while you were dating but before he called you his girlfriend and had sex with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. We have only slept together once. That was Friday night, then I found all this out yesterday morning. We went into this relationship with the " I'm not looking for someone who wants to date around" mantra. He told me in the beginning that he is seeking a serious relationship and is not interested in a woman who is looking to date around. I want the same thing. From then on it was more of a silent exclusivity.

I don't sleep around and that is exactly why I waited. Now I can't help but feel duped, especially since we just had sex. A part of me finds this so shady that he is in contact with other women yet is calling me his girlfriend. It's hurtful and confusing. Right now I am not talking to him but he is trying his best to get me to.

Wait - so you slept with him Friday night, and saw the messages to his FWB Saturday morning? How old was the message to his FWB? I understand when you saw it, but when did he actually send it? Was he trying to sleep with her after he slept with you, or was the message from weeks/a month ago, while you were dating but before he called you his girlfriend and had sex with you?

The message was sent last weekend. I was out of town visiting a friend. He went out with friends that Saturday night and then sent the message at 2AM. So he sent it last weekend. We got together that Tuesday and I didn't notice anything that was off.