I thought we were mutually exclusive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I write this, I am very hurt. I have ( or was) dating a guy for the past 7-8 weeks. Everything seemed to be okay, or so I thought. We have been doing "normal" couple things; it was great. I have even been a date for a family wedding. I thought we were on an awesome start to a long-lasting relationship. Then the shocker..I am over at his place, using his laptop, and I find a chat message with another woman. The conversation was right there as I opened the computer. Apparently he invited an FWB over to hook up. I also happened to be out of town.

I understand that we are early in the relationship but I am still hurt. He told me it was a bad judgement call and I am making too much of a bid deal out of nothing. We never had any exclusivity talk but we were both under the assumption that no other parties were in the picture. I have met all of his friends and majority of family. He introduced me as his girlfriend.

I am understandably upset and confused. On one hand, we never had any exclusivity talk, but who does these days? On the contrary, I don't know if I can be mad or constitute this as cheating if we aren't in a relationship. I had no reason to place distrust in him until this moment.

This is a vent but I would like opinions and thoughts on this.

OP, given the information you've provided in subsequent posts, the bolded part above is what would bother me the most. A 2am message to the FWB indicates to me he was probably drunk and stupid. A mistake, maybe falling back into his single life patterns, maybe something he was able to justify to himself if exclusivity wasn't 100% clear and he was inebriated and his judgement clouded. Mistakes, even ones that cause hurt, can be forgiven. Dismissing your feelings about it, and telling you you're overreacting, though, is a problem. If he's interested in continuing a long-term relationship, he should own up to his mistake, apologize for hurting you, and work to rebuild trust.

You said that he's trying to get in touch with you but that you're not speaking to him right now. I'd hear him out, and look for his willingness to take responsibility, a sincere apology, and acknowledgement that your feelings and hurt matter and won't be dismissed. If you get those things from the conversation, I think you could try to move forward (and HAVE the conversation about exclusivity and what that means to each of you). If you get more dismissal of your feelings in the conversation, more talk of how you're overreacting, I'd end the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see the quote "When people show you who they are, believe them" all the time on here. I've never fully understood the quote. It's so black and white, and it doesn't allow for the fact that all people mess up.

People make mistakes, but generally they have a default way of dealing with people, with stress, with adversity. Her 'boyfriend' has shown his (he will mislead, he will downplay it when he does something hurtful, he will not speak up about what he needs). She will be well served opening her eyes to this at 8 weeks in instead of pretending it was all a big mistake.

[Anonymous]

F*ck it. It's only been seven weeks. Just look for someone new. This guy isn't ready for an exclusive relationship. Consider yourself lucky, because you found out early.

[Anonymous]

when you are a grown adult and you are dating someone for 8 weeks and the feeling is that you really like each other (wedding, introduction to friends as girlfriend) no talk of exclusivity is necessary in my book. He seems like an ass ESPECIALLY since he downplayed it. I would not continue.

[Anonymous]

What exactly what his explanation when you confronted him? Did he acknowledge that you were exclusive and apologize for cheating? Or did he reference the fact that you hadn't actually had an exclusivity conversation? This feels like a big deal to me in terms of how reasonable your expectations were. From your original post it sounds like there may have been a lot of unspoken assumptions going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might give him another chance--I'd definitely hear him out after I calmed down. I'm guessing he rationalized sleeping with someone else since you weren't sleeping together. Also, 7-8 weeks isn't all that long unless you're spending a ton of time together. At that point, I'd probably had 4-5 dates with my current husband. I stopped seeing other people around date 4.

I missed the part where he told her she was making a big deal out of nothing. That would probably be the nail in the coffin for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when you are a grown adult and you are dating someone for 8 weeks and the feeling is that you really like each other (wedding, introduction to friends as girlfriend) no talk of exclusivity is necessary in my book. He seems like an ass ESPECIALLY since he downplayed it. I would not continue.

Well, OP never really explained the circumstances to the wedding or him calling her his girlfriend.

There would be zero chance in hell I'm going to a family wedding with someone I was dating without having a talk regarding what our relationship status is. Why would you go meet his extended family not knowing exactly where you stand?

And who did he refer to her as his girlfriend to? Was she surprised by this? Did she ask him about that? Again, if we didn't have a talk about our relationship, references to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend are premature. Maybe it was to appease whomever he was speaking to, or impress some family/friends, or to save him from a female he wanted to stop talking to him. Point is, she never bothered to even ask, and he might not have meant it how she did. For all she knew, he could refer to every girl he's banging as his girlfriend when they are out in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:F*ck it. It's only been seven weeks. Just look for someone new. This guy isn't ready for an exclusive relationship. Consider yourself lucky, because you found out early.

.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess that could be where I went wrong? We never had an actual " talk" but around the month mark he asked if I was seeing anyone else and how he didnt want to be anyone but me. We both weren't and that to me was our sign of exclusivity. Later that week he introduced me as his girlfriend. So I never felt rushed because I went not as his date, but his girlfriend.

To the slut remark: I am not a southern. I'm from a big city in the Mid-West. I don't wait a certain number of months so I can appear " marriage material" or less promiscuous. I wait because that is my comfort zone. I prefer to build a little and become exclusive before I get in bed with a man.

Please. You had your mouths on each others' genitals. Anal, oral, vaginal--it's all sex.

You're young. Don't waste your cute years on a 30-something year old man who is just playing the odds.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I've never had the "exclusivity talk" with anyone. I suppose our marriage vows covered that. Or maybe I should talk to my husband tonight.

[Anonymous]

Op here again.

I want to clarify some things. Yes we did have oral. Around 5 or 6 times.

We didnt date traditionally, I guess you can say. After the second date, we were hanging out 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. I spent weekends at his place. When he introduced me, he introduced me as girlfriend to his friends, immediate family, and extended family.

You are right, we never had an actual talk but most don't nowadays. When you are going on several dates a week, sleeping together in some form, going to family weddings, etc. it's normally safe to say you are in a relationship. We never said the word exclusive but had the talk that we weren't seeing anyone else and we both wanted it that way.

I am very hurt because we did have sex; it happened to be amazing! We really just clicked from the start. He was the one who initiated the conversation about dating others and called me his girlfriend.

His explanation was that he made a bad judgement call because he was drunk. He never turned down the fact that I thought we were exclusive. In fact, I was suppose to meet a friend that is an old-ex when he came into town. That was scheduled way before we even met. When I mentioned those plans he told me he would feel it was cheating for me to have lunch with my ex. He knew what he did was wrong. That is what I have the problem with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I've never had the "exclusivity talk" with anyone. I suppose our marriage vows covered that. Or maybe I should talk to my husband tonight.

You know, I often wonder about the exclusive talk myself. I am now early 40s and dating and from my personal experience you need to have it to solidify both people are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

I want to clarify some things. Yes we did have oral. Around 5 or 6 times.

We didnt date traditionally, I guess you can say. After the second date, we were hanging out 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. I spent weekends at his place. When he introduced me, he introduced me as girlfriend to his friends, immediate family, and extended family.

You are right, we never had an actual talk but most don't nowadays. When you are going on several dates a week, sleeping together in some form, going to family weddings, etc. it's normally safe to say you are in a relationship. We never said the word exclusive but had the talk that we weren't seeing anyone else and we both wanted it that way.

I am very hurt because we did have sex; it happened to be amazing! We really just clicked from the start. He was the one who initiated the conversation about dating others and called me his girlfriend.

His explanation was that he made a bad judgement call because he was drunk. He never turned down the fact that I thought we were exclusive. In fact, I was suppose to meet a friend that is an old-ex when he came into town. That was scheduled way before we even met. When I mentioned those plans he told me he would feel it was cheating for me to have lunch with my ex. He knew what he did was wrong. That is what I have the problem with.

If you had the talk that you weren't seeing anyone else it can be assumed that you are exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Well from you clarification post...why would you even question your exclusivity, if he never denied it?

Your issue should be can you get past his booty call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

I want to clarify some things. Yes we did have oral. Around 5 or 6 times.

We didnt date traditionally, I guess you can say. After the second date, we were hanging out 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. I spent weekends at his place. When he introduced me, he introduced me as girlfriend to his friends, immediate family, and extended family.

You are right, we never had an actual talk but most don't nowadays. When you are going on several dates a week, sleeping together in some form, going to family weddings, etc. it's normally safe to say you are in a relationship. We never said the word exclusive but had the talk that we weren't seeing anyone else and we both wanted it that way.

I am very hurt because we did have sex; it happened to be amazing! We really just clicked from the start. He was the one who initiated the conversation about dating others and called me his girlfriend.

His explanation was that he made a bad judgement call because he was drunk. He never turned down the fact that I thought we were exclusive. In fact, I was suppose to meet a friend that is an old-ex when he came into town. That was scheduled way before we even met. When I mentioned those plans he told me he would feel it was cheating for me to have lunch with my ex. He knew what he did was wrong. That is what I have the problem with.

I'm a PP from above, who basically said you should speak to him and look for his willingness to take responsibility for his mistake, etc. The bolded part of your post above clarifies this situation further. He knew what he did was wrong, yet couches it as "bad judgment" and tells you you're making too big of a deal out of it because nothing actually happened. No, big no. Bad response from someone who claims to want a serious and monogamous relationship, and who tells you that a prearranged lunch with your ex (sober, without any intention of sex) would feel like cheating to him. Unless you get a sincere admission of guilt and acknowledgement that you are absolutely within your right to feel angry and distrustful because of this (in a way that leaves you feeling that he "gets it" and is truly remorseful that he really screwed up), you should cut your losses and get out of this short relationship.