I thought we were mutually exclusive

[Anonymous]

I have read most of the replies, and I will definitely be in the minority here. I just don't get the whole "exclusivity talk". For me, if I start dating someone and especially if I sleep with someone, it means I am attracted to them, in love with them, infatuated with them. I just don't get how people can date/sleep with several people at a time?? For me, if I agree to have a relationship with you, automatically means that I am into you, I am not interested in anyone else - no need for any "official" exclusivity talk. So, to respond to OP - that would be a deal breaker for me, and I would also feel hurt and betrayed if something like this happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read most of the replies, and I will definitely be in the minority here. I just don't get the whole "exclusivity talk". For me, if I start dating someone and especially if I sleep with someone, it means I am attracted to them, in love with them, infatuated with them. I just don't get how people can date/sleep with several people at a time?? For me, if I agree to have a relationship with you, automatically means that I am into you, I am not interested in anyone else - no need for any "official" exclusivity talk. So, to respond to OP - that would be a deal breaker for me, and I would also feel hurt and betrayed if something like this happened.

Everyone is different and I think that is why it is important to have "the talk" these days.

Usually for me it is asking "Are you seeing anyone else". I've been asked the same and I always answer honestly. If I'm not seeing anyone else and I don't plan on looking, I'll say: "No. And if I do want to see someone else, I will let you know. I'll be open and honest and would appreciate the same in return.".

[Anonymous]

The fact he introduced you to others as your g/f is exclusive as far as I am concerned. I do think that people should have the "talk" though, to ensure both people are on the same page. People tend to mis-read signs in the dating phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact he introduced you to others as your g/f is exclusive as far as I am concerned. I do think that people should have the "talk" though, to ensure both people are on the same page. People tend to mis-read signs in the dating phase.

This is why you want to have a talk...women (moreso than men) seem to put too much emphasis on things that others may not gleam as much importance. Sex, for instance.

It leads to hurt feelings when both people aren't on the same page. But, from her follow-up post, it seems they were on the same page. And he just called a drunk hook-up because he wanted some action and OP wasn't available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

I want to clarify some things. Yes we did have oral. Around 5 or 6 times.

We didnt date traditionally, I guess you can say. After the second date, we were hanging out 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. I spent weekends at his place. When he introduced me, he introduced me as girlfriend to his friends, immediate family, and extended family.

You are right, we never had an actual talk but most don't nowadays. When you are going on several dates a week, sleeping together in some form, going to family weddings, etc. it's normally safe to say you are in a relationship. We never said the word exclusive but had the talk that we weren't seeing anyone else and we both wanted it that way.

I am very hurt because we did have sex; it happened to be amazing! We really just clicked from the start. He was the one who initiated the conversation about dating others and called me his girlfriend.

His explanation was that he made a bad judgement call because he was drunk. He never turned down the fact that I thought we were exclusive. In fact, I was suppose to meet a friend that is an old-ex when he came into town. That was scheduled way before we even met. When I mentioned those plans he told me he would feel it was cheating for me to have lunch with my ex. He knew what he did was wrong. That is what I have the problem with.

I'm a PP from above, who basically said you should speak to him and look for his willingness to take responsibility for his mistake, etc. The bolded part of your post above clarifies this situation further. He knew what he did was wrong, yet couches it as "bad judgment" and tells you you're making too big of a deal out of it because nothing actually happened. No, big no. Bad response from someone who claims to want a serious and monogamous relationship, and who tells you that a prearranged lunch with your ex (sober, without any intention of sex) would feel like cheating to him. Unless you get a sincere admission of guilt and acknowledgement that you are absolutely within your right to feel angry and distrustful because of this (in a way that leaves you feeling that he "gets it" and is truly remorseful that he really screwed up), you should cut your losses and get out of this short relationship.

I actually think it's dick on his part to want you to cancel a lunch meeting you had arranged with an ex because he thinks it would be cheating. That sounds controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I've never had the "exclusivity talk" with anyone. I suppose our marriage vows covered that. Or maybe I should talk to my husband tonight.

You know, I often wonder about the exclusive talk myself. I am now early 40s and dating and from my personal experience you need to have it to solidify both people are on the same page.

I've only been in two long-term relationships. One lasted 8 years, and the other is my current husband. In both cases, I never wondered whether we were exclusive past the first handful of dates (before which I didn't care). If either had had sex with someone else (or had drunkenly propositioned someone else), I would have considered myself cheated on regardless of whether I was allowed to officially call him out on it. In every other relationship I've had, I probably didn't know whether we were exclusive, but I wasn't about to have "the talk" because the relationships sucked and I didn't want to hem myself in either.

So, while I don't think it's wrong to have the talk at all, I've never been in a position where I was truly wondering "are we, or aren't we?" Based on everything OP said, I think she has every reason to walk and not feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I am still unsure of what to do. I am still feeling pissed off and betrayed. I'm not the type to sleep around and he knew that. I was up front with him about that. He knew what he was getting into and assured me he was fine with waiting. I think I would be less mad if we didnt have sex. I believe intercourse is more intimate than oral ( in my opinion). To know that he almost fucked someone else and then turned around and slept with me is like a slap in the face. I've never been in this situation; its frustrating.

He has also stopped reaching out since early this morning. He told me it was the last time he was reaching out without any reaction from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I am still unsure of what to do. I am still feeling pissed off and betrayed. I'm not the type to sleep around and he knew that. I was up front with him about that. He knew what he was getting into and assured me he was fine with waiting. I think I would be less mad if we didnt have sex. I believe intercourse is more intimate than oral ( in my opinion). To know that he almost fucked someone else and then turned around and slept with me is like a slap in the face. I've never been in this situation; its frustrating.

He has also stopped reaching out since early this morning. He told me it was the last time he was reaching out without any reaction from me.

I agree with you- I think all these people saying oral is the same as intercourse are a bunch of prudes, or else just really odd and out of touch with modern dating. I say cut him off. How attractive is he? I have to say, maybe if this guy had the looks of say, Joe Manganiello, then I would consider forgivness. but unless he is some unbelievable catch I would be giving him his walking orders.

[Anonymous]

He cheated on you, pure and simple. He knew the expectation that you were exclusive, and he slept with someone else anyway. He cheated, and not when you'd been together for a while and going through a rough patch and he made a really bad judgment call, but in the beginning when everything is supposed to be at it's easiest/most enthusiastic. Cut him loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also agree with pp. I feel he tried to downplay the situation. His rationale was that nothing happened between them so its all good. He didnt even bring up exclusivity. He knows he is in the wrong and by is why he has called 8 times to apologize and get me to respond.

Calling 8 times is rude, he's trying too hard here to "get you back" and it reads like a game. I'm sorry OP, I would make a clean break now and be glad you only wasted 8 weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also agree with pp. I feel he tried to downplay the situation. His rationale was that nothing happened between them so its all good. He didnt even bring up exclusivity. He knows he is in the wrong and by is why he has called 8 times to apologize and get me to respond.

Calling 8 times is rude, he's trying too hard here to "get you back" and it reads like a game. I'm sorry OP, I would make a clean break now and be glad you only wasted 8 weeks

How is calling 8 times rude? He has called 9 and texted like around 10. How is it a " game"? Can't he be genuinely sorry? I don't believe he is controlling. I wouldn't say he is the most attractive but he happens to be very successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also agree with pp. I feel he tried to downplay the situation. His rationale was that nothing happened between them so its all good. He didnt even bring up exclusivity. He knows he is in the wrong and by is why he has called 8 times to apologize and get me to respond.

Calling 8 times is rude, he's trying too hard here to "get you back" and it reads like a game. I'm sorry OP, I would make a clean break now and be glad you only wasted 8 weeks

How is calling 8 times rude? He has called 9 and texted like around 10. How is it a " game"? Can't he be genuinely sorry? I don't believe he is controlling. I wouldn't say he is the most attractive but he happens to be very successful.

It's rude because you know he's been trying to reach him, it's obvious from your phone/text logs. But instead of letting you get back to him in your own time, when you're ready, he's badgering you and badgering you (seriously, he's reached out a combined total of 19 times so far?). He can't tolerate the idea of you operating on your own schedule, he needs you to respond to him now on his terms. I don't know if I'd quite go tot controlling, but it's not respectful of your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also agree with pp. I feel he tried to downplay the situation. His rationale was that nothing happened between them so its all good. He didnt even bring up exclusivity. He knows he is in the wrong and by is why he has called 8 times to apologize and get me to respond.

Calling 8 times is rude, he's trying too hard here to "get you back" and it reads like a game. I'm sorry OP, I would make a clean break now and be glad you only wasted 8 weeks

How is calling 8 times rude? He has called 9 and texted like around 10. How is it a " game"? Can't he be genuinely sorry? I don't believe he is controlling. I wouldn't say he is the most attractive but he happens to be very successful.

It's rude because you know he's been trying to reach him, it's obvious from your phone/text logs. But instead of letting you get back to him in your own time, when you're ready, he's badgering you and badgering you (seriously, he's reached out a combined total of 19 times so far?). He can't tolerate the idea of you operating on your own schedule, he needs you to respond to him now on his terms. I don't know if I'd quite go tot controlling, but it's not respectful of your boundaries.

I take it back on the controlling part, I just re-read the bit above about him wanting you to cancel lunch with an ex because he feels it would be cheating. Definitely controlling.

OP, it's clear you want to make excuses for his behavior. So either start answering the calls/texts, make up with him, and accept that you'll never really be able to trust that he won't cheat on your again, or stop making excuses and accept the behavior for what it really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I write this, I am very hurt. I have ( or was) dating a guy for the past 7-8 weeks.

You thought you were "mutually exclusive" after two months? Holy shit, slow down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not sleep with someone until he has brought up exclusivity.

You don't get laid much.