Good friend not attending wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn. I had to lol at the comments about OP being a bridezilla. You twits probably haven't meet any actual bridezillas if you think OP is one. She is upset her very good friend can't come to her wedding and she has a right to be. If I had a friend who said she couldn't go to an important event of mine because of finances when she went to other recent events, I'd feel stung as well.

I don't think people are reacting to the "stung" (which is justified), but rather to OP's saying that basically this will change their friendship. Well, that and being jealous that friend attended another wedding and not HERS, which is now the reason the friendship will change.

No one has the right to dictate, judge, or shame for what someone else does with their time, money, or resources. Seems to me that friend has been a true friend when OP needed (first after surgery, etc). Now she is being called to spend money that she does not want to spend in order to attend a wedding that maybe isn't her thing. It's sweet to "be there in spirit", and decline gracefully if it's the truth.

OP is focusing too much on "her big day" rather than the whole scope of what happens between friends during a lifetime together.

+1m

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A close friend just told me over email that she doesn't think she can attend my wedding because of money. We're having a small wedding in March in a different state from where she lives. Attending would require travel (the costs are modest for flight/hotel, not expensive but not dirt cheap either), but she would not have to take off of work. She said she is thinking about moving to a new apartment rental next year and isn't expecting a high bonus at year end so doesn't think she could swing it. She said she was sorry but would be celebrating in spirit.

I understand that weddings are expensive and traveling to one may not be for everyone, but I am disappointed and a little miffed. We're good friends and have been through a lot of ups and downs in life together, helping each other through bad breakups, bad jobs, touch work situations and the like. We live in different cities, but are in touch quite frequently and have always been on great terms. This is someone I have helped move, someone I've thrown birthday parties for, someone who was the first person to visit me when I had had surgery. A good friend.

While I don't know the full grasp of her financial situation, I know she is paid well and doesn't have debt (she's mid-30s, unmarried, no kids, no mortgage, no car, etc.). She takes a lot of vacations and just recently was in Europe for a friend's wedding. She has known about my wedding date/location for 1.5 years so it's not like it crept up on her. And she knows that a few of our mutual single friends are attending and she could, to save money, ask to split a hotel room for the night with one or two of them. I'm not having a shower or a bachelorette, so the wedding is the only "activity" that is planned.

I'm not sure how to respond to her news. I of course don't want her to feel guilty and/or feel guilted into going if she doesn't want to go, but I am disappointed and I think I need to tell her that. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I do think that her skipping my wedding may change our friendship a bit. When I look at the list of people we're inviting, she is one I always thought would absolutely be there. When she gets married, I know I will be there for her wedding, and her shower and her bachelorette if she has them.

Nothing has changed in our friendship, we still email every couple of weeks and have long hour-long talks every month and see each other when we're in each others' cities, usually a couple times a year. Maybe she's burnt out on weddings (she's been to a few this past year, all of which she traveled for) or travel or maybe she doesn't feel as close as I feel. I'm not sure. But I feel a little hurt.

Has anyone been there before? Do I say something or not?

Three words: Go fuck yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people think everyone else is supposed to care deeply about heir own wedding?

Women are the most selfish creatures on earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I flew to California at my own expense when I was a penniless grad student to be a bridesmaid. When I got married, that same CA friend wouldn't leave her baby (her second, not her first) for 20 minutes with her husband to travel 5 miles to attend my church ceremony. I didn't expect her to come to the reception. Yes, we are no longer friends. The unevenness of the relationship doomed it.

Lucky Her

Eh, she kind of has a point, if she's telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Three words: Go fuck yourself.

Oh dear, what happened to you today? Better get off DCUM before you get reported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people think everyone else is supposed to care deeply about heir own wedding?

Women are the most selfish creatures on earth.

Preach!

[Anonymous]

Op look- I get you are disappointed but let it go. People get waaayyy too worked up over wedding stuff especially involving friends/bridesmaids. It is easy to fall into the trap of "it's all about me and why doesn't everyone else think my Wedding is the most important thing in the world?!" But the truth is they don't.
I think your friend was wrong in telling you about her fabulous trip to Europe while at the same time saying she couldn't afford your wedding. That was wrong of her. But you really don't know her personal financial situation so you cannot make assumptions. She really is probably strapped for cash- and tired if of going to weddings alone. Let it go.

Enjoy your wedding and don't obsess about how this and that is not perfect. It should be about you and your husband-not everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say nothing. You be gracious and kind.

You actually have no idea what's happening in her financial life- you only think you do. Further more, it's not up to you to prioritize how she spends her money and her time.

To be honest, you sound very bridezilla-esque at the moment. Be thankful for her friendship and celebrate at some other time.

Yes, to everything here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I TOTALLY understand why you're hurt. But, try to take a deep breath and put aside the anger and jealousy you're feeling.

Going to Europe is a life experience, even if you're someone that travels, it's not always to the same destinations. If it was a group of people going as well, it makes a trip like that, really, something that's a "must do", especially if your tacking vacation time on.

Travelling on a random weekend to a very small venue wedding in an unnamed state where someone has been time and time before doesn't rate so high up on the life experience chart. Of course, this day rates pretty high up your chart.

I understand the goal is to be there FOR YOU, but the truth is - you will see her but a few moments that day. She's paying for a trip to see you get married, and then has an evening to fill plus I'm assuming the rest of the weekend... I too, would be weighing the cost to benefit ratio, even if you're important to her.

I'm assuming the Europe Wedding was also a good friend, as most people don't invite to destination weddings unless they're close. Try not to make the assumption that that wedding was "more important". It was an experience, and a choice. Personally, I would be sad if a friend missed out on something like that.

If it's important to you to have her there, be gracious and offer to foot the bill, or at least part of it. Could be that Europe ended up being more expensive than she thought, or when she went to book flights for your event it was more that she thought. Could be that with timing, her credit card will be maxed out at a time she will have her credit checked for her new appt. and she doesn't want that. Could be, even though she's excited, she's already overextended herself on two trips. She did explain that her pay had recently changed. Sometimes until the bills appear, people really fail to crunch the numbers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close friend just told me over email that she doesn't think she can attend my wedding because of money. We're having a small wedding in March in a different state from where she lives. Attending would require travel (the costs are modest for flight/hotel, not expensive but not dirt cheap either), but she would not have to take off of work. She said she is thinking about moving to a new apartment rental next year and isn't expecting a high bonus at year end so doesn't think she could swing it. She said she was sorry but would be celebrating in spirit.

I understand that weddings are expensive and traveling to one may not be for everyone, but I am disappointed and a little miffed. We're good friends and have been through a lot of ups and downs in life together, helping each other through bad breakups, bad jobs, touch work situations and the like. We live in different cities, but are in touch quite frequently and have always been on great terms. This is someone I have helped move, someone I've thrown birthday parties for, someone who was the first person to visit me when I had had surgery. A good friend.

While I don't know the full grasp of her financial situation, I know she is paid well and doesn't have debt (she's mid-30s, unmarried, no kids, no mortgage, no car, etc.). She takes a lot of vacations and just recently was in Europe for a friend's wedding. She has known about my wedding date/location for 1.5 years so it's not like it crept up on her. And she knows that a few of our mutual single friends are attending and she could, to save money, ask to split a hotel room for the night with one or two of them. I'm not having a shower or a bachelorette, so the wedding is the only "activity" that is planned.

I'm not sure how to respond to her news. I of course don't want her to feel guilty and/or feel guilted into going if she doesn't want to go, but I am disappointed and I think I need to tell her that. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I do think that her skipping my wedding may change our friendship a bit. When I look at the list of people we're inviting, she is one I always thought would absolutely be there. When she gets married, I know I will be there for her wedding, and her shower and her bachelorette if she has them.

Nothing has changed in our friendship, we still email every couple of weeks and have long hour-long talks every month and see each other when we're in each others' cities, usually a couple times a year. Maybe she's burnt out on weddings (she's been to a few this past year, all of which she traveled for) or travel or maybe she doesn't feel as close as I feel. I'm not sure. But I feel a little hurt.

Has anyone been there before? Do I say something or not?

Three words: Go fuck yourself.

Sounds like someone has no friends' weddings to go to...

[Anonymous]

"I'm so disappointed to hear that. We will miss you!

If anything changes, please let me know!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I TOTALLY understand why you're hurt. But, try to take a deep breath and put aside the anger and jealousy you're feeling.

Going to Europe is a life experience, even if you're someone that travels, it's not always to the same destinations. If it was a group of people going as well, it makes a trip like that, really, something that's a "must do", especially if your tacking vacation time on.

Travelling on a random weekend to a very small venue wedding in an unnamed state where someone has been time and time before doesn't rate so high up on the life experience chart. Of course, this day rates pretty high up your chart.

I understand the goal is to be there FOR YOU, but the truth is - you will see her but a few moments that day. She's paying for a trip to see you get married, and then has an evening to fill plus I'm assuming the rest of the weekend... I too, would be weighing the cost to benefit ratio, even if you're important to her.

I'm assuming the Europe Wedding was also a good friend, as most people don't invite to destination weddings unless they're close. Try not to make the assumption that that wedding was "more important". It was an experience, and a choice. Personally, I would be sad if a friend missed out on something like that.

If it's important to you to have her there, be gracious and offer to foot the bill, or at least part of it. Could be that Europe ended up being more expensive than she thought, or when she went to book flights for your event it was more that she thought. Could be that with timing, her credit card will be maxed out at a time she will have her credit checked for her new appt. and she doesn't want that. Could be, even though she's excited, she's already overextended herself on two trips. She did explain that her pay had recently changed. Sometimes until the bills appear, people really fail to crunch the numbers.

This is well stated, especially the cost benefit part. There are many factors in this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry OP. She can come to your next wedding.

Dafuq? The absolute vitriol is not equal to the situation. Some angry ass people here. Get laid bitches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be hurt that she brought up her europe/wedding trip in the same email letting you know she couldn't make yours for financial reasons. that would be like a slap to the face.

I find this interesting, too. It seems self absorbed of your friend to write both of those in the same email. She shouldn't have mentioned the Europe wedding at all. I'm a little surprised by the previous replies. Does everyone just take things at face value? Just because she said it's for financial reasons doesn't mean that is the real reason. Perhaps she doesn't feel as close to you as when you were younger? But you both talk and email so frequently, why don't you just ask if there is another reason, or just drop it, but it will change your friendship. If it were me,I would start to distance myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be hurt that she brought up her europe/wedding trip in the same email letting you know she couldn't make yours for financial reasons. that would be like a slap to the face.

I find this interesting, too. It seems self absorbed of your friend to write both of those in the same email. She shouldn't have mentioned the Europe wedding at all. I'm a little surprised by the previous replies. Does everyone just take things at face value? Just because she said it's for financial reasons doesn't mean that is the real reason. Perhaps she doesn't feel as close to you as when you were younger? But you both talk and email so frequently, why don't you just ask if there is another reason, or just drop it, but it will change your friendship. If it were me,I would start to distance myself.

Because your friend cannot attend your wedding you would distance yourself???Seriously???
Some of you women are truly self-absorbed.