Good friend not attending wedding

[Anonymous]

I actually am completely on the OP's side. The fact that people are willing to brush it off as no big deal - that OP's close friend knew about her wedding for almost 2 years and then just blew off such an important day for OP - makes me wonder what the other PPs think friendship is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Our location is in a fun, accessible city. Definitely not as cool as Europe, but then again, that would be harder for guests...

I do agree, some financial weight may have fallen on her shoulders more recently that I am not aware of. People choose to spend their money on what they choose to spend it on, and it looks like going to my wedding is not it. I guess it is a little hard to hear when sandwiched between detail on the vacation she just took and the travel she has next on tap.

But who knows, I could have done something to tick her off, but I am not sure what. Our conversations and tone are all the same; the email she sent yesterday was filled all the usual dating life, work, vacation chatter.

You're a bitch.

...WTF?

NO, she is not.

You, however, are completely fucked in the head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One idea no one has raised -

Is it possible she's upset that she's still single and you're getting married? I had a very close friend who did not react well when I met my now-husband. We had been the two single girls forever and then I wasn't.

Also, I think these responses are pretty harsh. I understand why your feelings are hurt. Mine would be too. She is sending you the message loud and clear that you are not a priority for her. All you can do is take in that information and then act accordingly in the future. In other words, are you prioritizing her too high when she is not doing the same for you. It probably will change the nature of your friendship and I think that's ok.

+1

Wow, some of you guys seem REALLY angry.

I don't often post, but this thread and the replies are kind of out of control. Wanting a friend to come to your wedding does not make someone a bridezilla. She is not saying she will stop being friends with this girl who said she cannot afford to come. She is saying she is hurt, which seems pretty valid. Sure, a wedding is just a few hours of a day, but it is an important event in life.

Also ... whoever said that people who make a big deal about weddings are people who get divorces is a real dick. I don't think OP is being dramatic and I also don't think caring about having a friend go to her wedding makes her more likely to get divorced. I mean seriously?

OP. You have some good advice (and a lot of unhelpful comments too) here. Let her know you are sorry she can't make it and that you will miss her. I'm sorry this happened, but it sounds like from others here, it's not uncommon either. FWIW.

Allow me to express my gratitude for your sanity. Are you a unicorn, by any chance?

I am not sure why everyone is giving OP a hard time. If a really good friend told me she could not attend my wedding I would be sad. I would probably offer to fly her out with FF miles (so she didn't feel guilty about me spending money) and maybe even pay for the room if I could afford it.

That said, if she told me she could not come for financial reasons and then proceeded to tell me about a wedding she went to in Europe and her next vacation I would be a bit insulted. It is just a fact. I wouldn't call her out on it but I would definitely take it as a signal that she does not see our friendship as a priority.

OP is not a bitch or a bridezilla. She is a normal woman who really wanted her friend to attend her wedding. OP said she was having a small wedding which means she prioritized this friend over others and she is sad to learn her friend doesn't feel the same need to prioritize her.

+1

Pp again, Personally I would rather spend $1000 to go to Europe than some wedding in Maryland or wherever you are. Get over it!

Wow, you're a real treasure aren't you? I think the source of the venom in the replies OP got have a lot to do with the fact that most of these mean, bitter PPs don't even know how to be friends themselves. Such treasures!

[Anonymous]

All of these mean posts are confusing. Suppose her mother had done the same thing. Would you all still be calling her a bridezilla? It's just one day of her life. It's only a few hours. Her mom has been there for her her whole life, so what if her mom chooses not to be there?

Yes, I know the mom is likely a closer relationship, but some some of these comments are written as if it is unnatural for someone to have any expectation whatsoever when it comes to ones wedding.

There are probably many people who rsvped as unable to make OPs wedding. oP has not said anything about those people. Apparently, OP had a special relationship with this person, or thought she did, and expected either a higher level of effort to get there OR more sensitivity in expressing that she wouldn't be able to be there.

It is useful to point out alternative reasons for the friend to choose other weddings and vacations over OPs event. It is less useful to insist that a person have no expectations or hurt feelings whatsoever about a dear friends choice not to attend. And from the way the friend handled it, it definitely sounded like a choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand why you're hurt. I would be, too. Not because she couldn't afford to come, but because she clearly had a travel budget for weddings, and yours was not the one prioritized. That said, as other people pointed out, there may be something else going on with her that you aren't aware of, and she sounds like she's been a good friend to you historically. If I were you, I'd sit on my feelings for a bit. You may find out with time if something else was really going on that may explain it better, or she may continue to be the good friend she always was, minus this occasion, and you may decide that this one thing (though it's a big one) doesn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things. Or this may be the beginning of a new behaviour pattern for her, in which case, the friendship has likely run its course.

That said - I strenuously disagree with all those who were willing to give the friend a pass because going to weddings when you're single in your 30s is tough, and I am a never-married woman in my mid-30s. How selfish are people who think they cannot celebrate their friend's happiness unless they have experienced that exact same happiness themselves? Would they not attend a party to celebrate a friend's promotion if their career were less successful than theirs? How about the bad times? Not go to the hospital when their friend's loved one was ill, because they had 'issues' with hospitals? This never-married person thinks that having friends is a bit like a marriage - you need to be there through the good times, and the bad, and show up even when it's uncomfortable, and sometimes do things to honour your relationship with the other person, even when you don't really feel like it, if you know it will be important to them. I have friends like these in my life, who didn't drop me when they got married, likely because I am the kind of friend who was genuinely happy for, and showed up to celebrate, their relationships, even while I was single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very close friend told me that my wedding day was the same day some amazing white rafting happens because flood gates are opened. So she ditched me and had an amazing time. I liked that she told me and was honest. For some people weddings are super boring.

I'm a wedding hater myself. However I don't mind funerals ... Hmm

Op offer to pay for her flight and hotel if you really want her to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be hurt that she brought up her europe/wedding trip in the same email letting you know she couldn't make yours for financial reasons. that would be like a slap to the face.

+1 I would not appreciate this either. She may be losing her job and wondering what is next. Or she may not like your new DH or your family friends or whatever. Marriage does change friendships. While you must be gracious about her non attendance, I would wonder if we were really all that close after all.

[Anonymous]

OP People are being unnecessarily mean and judgmental. (Its DCUM!) For someone to on one hand decline your wedding and in the same call describe a "better" wedding in Europe sends a signal. I would be very hurt also. Of course you can't say anything, but it would make me wonder how strong the relationship really was. You are not a bridezilla or a bad friend -- she was just tactless and hurt your feelings. It also could be that she is facing SERIOUS financial trouble and just babbling on about her last vacation (which turned out to be ill advised) But really if she was a close friend that will come out. I would question the depth of this friendship -- and yes that would make me sad. Sorry. Enjoy your wedding and new life.

[Anonymous]

OP, obviously your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. But the only response is "I'm so sorry to hear that, you will be missed!"

The only thing that really matters on your wedding day is you and your DH. The rest is all gravy.

And honestly, your friend knows how these things go. She would fly across the country for a trip she can't really afford, and end up spending about 5 actual minutes with you on your wedding day, because you will be pulled in about 20 different directions at once.

This feels like a big deal now, but it won't even be a blip on your radar on your wedding day.

[Anonymous]

Going to weddings without a date gets really old fast. It's awkward and can be painful too, depending on the person. But I would offer to pay and still give her a way out if she just doesn't want to do another wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going to weddings without a date gets really old fast. It's awkward and can be painful too, depending on the person. But I would offer to pay and still give her a way out if she just doesn't want to do another wedding.

I was very happy being single and did so many things on my own, including a weekend in London when I was 22. BUT out of town weddings suck. You have to have a SO to bring someone unless you find a guy desperate enough to spend 1k on a wedding and hotel room for people he doesn't know. The entire event is incredibly awkward and depending on the venue, you'll end up having to get yourself home in an unfamiliar town. Someimes that isn't even safe. If you have an out of town wedding you have to realize this is a better set up for couples unless you're getting married young with a caravan of single friends who all know each other. I'm married now with a high HHI so it is no longer a problem but I remember having a hard time with this in my 20s.

Also I remember being invited to out of town weddings for friends that didn't make a lot of effort to hang out with me. Didn't motivate me to make such a sacrifice to attend a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand why you're hurt. I would be, too. Not because she couldn't afford to come, but because she clearly had a travel budget for weddings, and yours was not the one prioritized. That said, as other people pointed out, there may be something else going on with her that you aren't aware of, and she sounds like she's been a good friend to you historically. If I were you, I'd sit on my feelings for a bit. You may find out with time if something else was really going on that may explain it better, or she may continue to be the good friend she always was, minus this occasion, and you may decide that this one thing (though it's a big one) doesn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things. Or this may be the beginning of a new behaviour pattern for her, in which case, the friendship has likely run its course.

That said - I strenuously disagree with all those who were willing to give the friend a pass because going to weddings when you're single in your 30s is tough, and I am a never-married woman in my mid-30s. How selfish are people who think they cannot celebrate their friend's happiness unless they have experienced that exact same happiness themselves? Would they not attend a party to celebrate a friend's promotion if their career were less successful than theirs? How about the bad times? Not go to the hospital when their friend's loved one was ill, because they had 'issues' with hospitals? This never-married person thinks that having friends is a bit like a marriage - you need to be there through the good times, and the bad, and show up even when it's uncomfortable, and sometimes do things to honour your relationship with the other person, even when you don't really feel like it, if you know it will be important to them. I have friends like these in my life, who didn't drop me when they got married, likely because I am the kind of friend who was genuinely happy for, and showed up to celebrate, their relationships, even while I was single.

Spot on. I am doing the slow clap right now that you can't see. I also understand that there could be things going on that OP doesn't know about and I get that. However, I think part of being a close friend is I am willing to let that person know some of the not great parts of my life. That I have that trust that they will be able to make me feel better about sharing that information rather than worse. If for some reason I just couldn't/wouldn't talk about it, I would want that person to understand that I value the friendship but I just have to work thru things on my own and please be patient.

If I really couldn't make my best friend's wedding I would want to make sure she knew how much I really wanted to share that day with her and it would start with a phone call. All OP can do is wait and see what happens over time.

[Anonymous]

You are clearly not as close as you thought and maybe she was just using you those times you helped her? Anyway, talking once a month and emailing once in a while does not a friendship make. People grow apart OP and is it possible you've been a little overbearing with the wedding crap for the last 1.5 yrs? Maybe she's burnt out on the friendship...

[Anonymous]

Team op here. I completely understand. You are venting your hurt. I would let friend know I was disappointed and it would put some ice on my relationship. There could be extenuating circumstances but she has clearly let you know where you stand in her life.