Good friend not attending wedding
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Anonymous
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A close friend just told me over email that she doesn't think she can attend my wedding because of money. We're having a small wedding in March in a different state from where she lives. Attending would require travel (the costs are modest for flight/hotel, not expensive but not dirt cheap either), but she would not have to take off of work. She said she is thinking about moving to a new apartment rental next year and isn't expecting a high bonus at year end so doesn't think she could swing it. She said she was sorry but would be celebrating in spirit.
I understand that weddings are expensive and traveling to one may not be for everyone, but I am disappointed and a little miffed. We're good friends and have been through a lot of ups and downs in life together, helping each other through bad breakups, bad jobs, touch work situations and the like. We live in different cities, but are in touch quite frequently and have always been on great terms. This is someone I have helped move, someone I've thrown birthday parties for, someone who was the first person to visit me when I had had surgery. A good friend. While I don't know the full grasp of her financial situation, I know she is paid well and doesn't have debt (she's mid-30s, unmarried, no kids, no mortgage, no car, etc.). She takes a lot of vacations and just recently was in Europe for a friend's wedding. She has known about my wedding date/location for 1.5 years so it's not like it crept up on her. And she knows that a few of our mutual single friends are attending and she could, to save money, ask to split a hotel room for the night with one or two of them. I'm not having a shower or a bachelorette, so the wedding is the only "activity" that is planned. I'm not sure how to respond to her news. I of course don't want her to feel guilty and/or feel guilted into going if she doesn't want to go, but I am disappointed and I think I need to tell her that. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I do think that her skipping my wedding may change our friendship a bit. When I look at the list of people we're inviting, she is one I always thought would absolutely be there. When she gets married, I know I will be there for her wedding, and her shower and her bachelorette if she has them. Nothing has changed in our friendship, we still email every couple of weeks and have long hour-long talks every month and see each other when we're in each others' cities, usually a couple times a year. Maybe she's burnt out on weddings (she's been to a few this past year, all of which she traveled for) or travel or maybe she doesn't feel as close as I feel. I'm not sure. But I feel a little hurt. Has anyone been there before? Do I say something or not? |
Anonymous
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You say nothing. You be gracious and kind.
You actually have no idea what's happening in her financial life- you only think you do. Further more, it's not up to you to prioritize how she spends her money and her time. To be honest, you sound very bridezilla-esque at the moment. Be thankful for her friendship and celebrate at some other time. |
Anonymous
| It's not in her budget to go. You can either 1) take her at her word that she can't afford it and offer to pay if it's important to you or 2) recognize that she could afford it if she wanted to prioritize it, but she doesn't and reassess friendship from there. |
Anonymous
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(1) Is there a chance she doesn't think it will last?
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/422980.page (2) You don't get to question how other people spend their money. Period, end of story. (3) Your wedding absolutely WILL change your friendships. With those that don't make the effort/financial outlay to come, with those that do come and act badly, with those that do come and then stand up for you in beautiful and unexpected ways... That's just life. |
Anonymous
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I just got married a few months ago and some of my friends who live in other states could not come. They didn't explain why, but I assume money was a factor for a few of them. Obviously I wish they could have been there, but it wasn't in the cards for them and I just had to move on.
I know it sucks that your friend can't make it but try to think of all the people that will be there and how much fun you'll have either way. Certainly do not say anything to your friend unless you want to offer to pay for her travel. |
Anonymous
Yes. Say something. Say: I'm so sorry you can't come! We will really miss you! |
Anonymous
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I have been there OP. And it definitely changed my friendship with that person unfortunatley.
You really have no gracious/mature approach other than to take her at her word, tell her sincerely how much you will miss her being there, and then go have a fabulous wedding. THere may well be more going on w/ her than you know (I'd bet there is) but there is no way to figure that out, nor does it really matter in the big picture. If she is unable or unwilling to attend your wedding then that's it. Try not to obsess about why, just be as gracious as you can and move on. See what happens over the next year or two with your friendship but prepare yourself for the fact that it already isn't the friendship you thought it was. Sorry. |
Anonymous
| Can you afford to help pay for her plane ticket? If you really want her to be there, offer to pitch in and maybe find her a room she can use at a local friends' house. |
Anonymous
Yes, in fact, you are one to hold a grudge. That's exactly what this is. |
Anonymous
| She has been to a few weddings...may she is depress and tired of attending other peoples' weddings. Especially if it is out of state. She is at a stage in her life where she might be wondering when her turn going to come, and all that may have led her to feel out of sort. Be glad you have a good friend. As the years creep up on you, they become more and more priceless. |
Anonymous
| I think you're being very generous and unfair here. You've acknowledged that she's a good friend, and was even the first person to visit you when you had surgery. Because she is such a good friend, why would you not give her the benefit of the doubt here and believe she'd be there if she could? If this affects your friendship, that is on you, not her. |
Anonymous
That should be very ungenerous and unfair. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Appreciate your input.
I thought about offering to help her pay, but I feel that that may make her feel guilty about deciding not to go. I certainly don't want her to feel guilted into attending if it's not a priority for her and/or go into debt if she can't afford it. It stings because she is someone I'd love to have there, and because, in the same email in which she told me she wasn't going, she enthusiastically filled me in on how awesome her Euro trip was for her friend's wedding last month. I'm truly not trying to be a bridezilla here (or anywhere). We're having a very small, simple wedding. No wedding party, no shower, no bachelorette, we're paying for it ourselves. We're inviting a small group of our closest friends and family, and while I know I should trust that my friend is making a decision not to attend that she feels is right for her, it still hurts that she won't be a part of it. |
Anonymous
Please don't compare what she is able to do now to what she was able to do then. It's entirely possible that she's had some significant unexpected expenses recently, or that she really was counting on that bonus to cover things and now knowing it won't be coming is hurting her budget. |
Anonymous
| Are you getting married in a place as cool as the europe trip? That might have been a vacation as well as going to a wedding. You need to let this go if you want to be this person's friend. |