Good friend not attending wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn. I had to lol at the comments about OP being a bridezilla. You twits probably haven't meet any actual bridezillas if you think OP is one. She is upset her very good friend can't come to her wedding and she has a right to be. If I had a friend who said she couldn't go to an important event of mine because of finances when she went to other recent events, I'd feel stung as well.

I don't think people are reacting to the "stung" (which is justified), but rather to OP's saying that basically this will change their friendship. Well, that and being jealous that friend attended another wedding and not HERS, which is now the reason the friendship will change.

No one has the right to dictate, judge, or shame for what someone else does with their time, money, or resources. Seems to me that friend has been a true friend when OP needed (first after surgery, etc). Now she is being called to spend money that she does not want to spend in order to attend a wedding that maybe isn't her thing. It's sweet to "be there in spirit", and decline gracefully if it's the truth.

OP is focusing too much on "her big day" rather than the whole scope of what happens between friends during a lifetime together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn. I had to lol at the comments about OP being a bridezilla. You twits probably haven't meet any actual bridezillas if you think OP is one. She is upset her very good friend can't come to her wedding and she has a right to be. If I had a friend who said she couldn't go to an important event of mine because of finances when she went to other recent events, I'd feel stung as well.

I don't think people are reacting to the "stung" (which is justified), but rather to OP's saying that basically this will change their friendship. Well, that and being jealous that friend attended another wedding and not HERS, which is now the reason the friendship will change.

No one has the right to dictate, judge, or shame for what someone else does with their time, money, or resources. Seems to me that friend has been a true friend when OP needed (first after surgery, etc). Now she is being called to spend money that she does not want to spend in order to attend a wedding that maybe isn't her thing. It's sweet to "be there in spirit", and decline gracefully if it's the truth.

OP is focusing too much on "her big day" rather than the whole scope of what happens between friends during a lifetime together.

Yes, it is just one day in a whooooooollllllee lifetime of days friends can do friend things and support one another in friend ways. But, arguably, it is a pretty damn important day.

I totally get that weddings are $$$ and it sucks if you go to a lot and are single or feel awkward or whatev. I think where OP is feeling some hurt is that her friend is going to all these other weddings (and telling her about them, like the euro trip) and then drops it that she cant go to hers. I get that feels kind of hurtful. It doesn't quite fit the mold of "friend is sad and doesn't want to go to weddings" or "friend cant afford to go to weddings" since she is doing (and telling her) about all the ones she is going to + spending money on.

[Anonymous]

What gets me is that the friend knew the date and location of the wedding for over a year but now says she can't go. I absolutely understand that finances play a huge part as I get invited to 5+ weddings a year but only go out of town if it's someone close because of finances, but this seems like the friend just threw this at the OP. Of course it's only one day obviously, but it's not an insignificant one.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone for your comments, especially those framed in an constructive way. I appreciate hearing some different views about this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been there OP. And it definitely changed my friendship with that person unfortunatley.

You really have no gracious/mature approach other than to take her at her word, tell her sincerely how much you will miss her being there, and then go have a fabulous wedding.

THere may well be more going on w/ her than you know (I'd bet there is) but there is no way to figure that out, nor does it really matter in the big picture. If she is unable or unwilling to attend your wedding then that's it. Try not to obsess about why, just be as gracious as you can and move on. See what happens over the next year or two with your friendship but prepare yourself for the fact that it already isn't the friendship you thought it was.

Sorry.

Good advice.

I'm not saying this is the case here, but sometimes you find out that some people will find excuses not to be places where they won't be the center of attention, or which they aren't convinced will enhance their social standing. These people can appear to be your friends, and have positive qualities, but certain tendencies do reveal themselves more noticeably in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- GROW UP
Seriously -- GROW UP!!
If this woman has been a dear friend, been there for you through ups and downs and says she cannot attend (for whatever reason) -- let it go. Yes you are disappointed, but life is wayyyyyy loonger than your wedding day.
I had close friends who could not attend my wedding, i wished they had been there, but they were there for me for LIFE, that one day did not erase everything else.
Oh and by the way, GROW UP!

Harsh. You sound like a pill.

[Anonymous]

I could never imagine being upset at a friend who, for whatever reason, was unable to attend my wedding. It was one day of my life. I hardly had time for any individual friend. I value their friendship as they have seen me through thick and thin and are always there for me even if only by phone or email. I think it extremely selfish to EXPECT anyone to come to your wedding. In one year I bet that you will be unable to accurately list your wedding guests who did attend. If you let this affect your friendship then you are not really her friend.

[Anonymous]

I would be miffed as well, considering she spent a lot more to go to someone else's wedding and knew of yours beforehand. You would think she could have told you some details of her financial situation if it were really that bad. However I would not say anything, since what good would it do? Try to accept it and let it go.

[Anonymous]

NP here and haven't read all replies here but just wanted to say another thing is she's mid-30s, single, no kids…just pointing out (as someone who got married late) that it's tough to keep going to other people's weddings when you are alone. Not that a friend doesn't do it, but it's like spending a lot of time, energy, and money on something that underscores that you are alone and heightens fears that you may be alone for the rest of your life.

If she's been to a few recently, it starts to rub like salt in a wound.

So this, combined with other things, may be in play here as well.

And since marriage DOES change a friendship, it is also like going to a port to wave a good friend goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really have no gracious/mature approach other than to take her at her word, tell her sincerely how much you will miss her being there, and then go have a fabulous wedding.

+1

She just spent a lot more money to go to Europe for a wedding. It's not money. There is more going on in this relationship that we don't know.

This. No way she could cancel on the basis of money and then talk about her other fancy trips in the same message if she wasn't making a point. If I blew a bunch of money on an earlier trip and then truly couldn't afford a dear friend's wedding, there is no way I would bring it up in that same email unless it was to explain or apologize refusely for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be gracious. You have no idea what it us like to walk in her shoes.

+1 Wise.

[Anonymous]

I had a wedding where not a single one of my friends lived (Vegas!), and I went into it from the very beginning assuming that no one would come that far for a wedding. Every person who did come was then a true gift. I would have to think real hard to remember the people who didn't come.

If you're going to have a wedding where people have to travel, you just have to expect that not everyone can make it. And that, as others have said, your day is just not really that important to them in the grand scheme

Also, as others have said as well, if she is single and having to go to lots of weddings, I can totally see her deciding that she's just kind of done with it.

It's one day. And I know plenty of people (including myself) who had friends they never saw again after their wedding.

Be gracious, be sad that your friend won't be there, but don't hold it against her. Even in the back of your mind while you're pretending you're not.

[Anonymous]

OP, the thing that struck me about your list was the inventory of who did what for whom. I don't care for people like that-- who have a tally sheet.

That said, I think your friend was tactless to mention the other trips in the email.

In a similar situation we paid to fly out a friend even though we were strapped financially, too.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry OP. She can come to your next wedding.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would feel just like you do. Good friends go to each other's weddings if at all possible.

You are hardly a "Bridezilla."