Good friend not attending wedding

[Anonymous]

Why I didn't go to my dear friends wedding:
Got infertility diagnosis. Started hoarding money like mad to pay for inevitable treatments . Put all other extraneous expenses aside. Took one last planned and pre paid for trip to Europe as a last hurrah before the savings and then treatments began.
My friend knew absolutely none of this and was kind gracious and understanding when I said I couldn't go. She was also classy enough to make a big fuss about the handmade gift I gave her and display them prominently in her million dollar home for years to come.
THat my friends is a classy lady and a true friend . OP, check yourself

[Anonymous]

You know, if you do not say anything to her and decide to keep this inside...All that will do is end up building up inside you over the years until one day you will simply boil over in anger and let her have it! In the meantime, you will become more bitter toward her and resent her over + over.

Do not let this happen to you. You both deserve much better.

I would address this issue sooner rather than later.

When you decide to bring it up, make sure you choose your words AND tone carefully because if she gets the feeling that you are accusing her of anything, then you risk offending her and thus losing a great friendship as well.

Simply and diplomatically let her know she means a lot to you as a friend and that her presence at your wedding means a lot more than anyone else. Perhaps ask her if there are any ways she can compromise anything in her finances between now and next March to try to be there for you. Suggest your idea of perhaps splitting some of the hotel expenses w/mutual friends. She may not have thought of that. When speaking to her about this, you will get a much better picture of if she really is in bad financial straits or is just trying to bow out gracefully.

If it is the latter like you partially suspect, then you may want to tactfully dig a little deeper to see what may be the real reason she is holding back.

You may not get the answer you are looking for and that is fine. But it is worth trying to get because like I stated before, if you do not address this now, you will subject yourself to years possibly, of bitterness which could erode this friendship anyway.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the reasons she isn't in debt is that she doesn't spend money she doesn't have, and set limits in things like going to out of state weddings.

And what does the fact that she doesn't have kids have to do with it?

[Anonymous]

Here's what happens when you're single are your friend gets married:

Ninety percent of the time the friend dumps you. You see her maybe once a year. So maybe your friend is tired of oaying hundreds or thousands of dollars for weddings as a good bye gesture for friends who diss her bc they are now married and she is not.

[Anonymous]

It would make me sad too, OP. Especially the part about going to Europe instead.

But I would be sad but get over it and give her the benefit of the doubt. Mid 30s single women can get really sick of weddings as PP have suggested. Maybe she is madly in love with your fiance. Maybe her Mom gave her the $$$ for the Europe trip but now is mad at her and cut her off. Maybe she is madly in love with you!

I used to get upset with a friend b.c she could never afford to do stuff with me. Turns out her then H was a controlling asshole who never let her have any money of her own. You just never know sometimes what is really going on.

Try to forgive her and see how things go after the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Something very similar happened to me when I got married last May. I was annoyed about it for a little bit until another friend asked me if I was really willing to throw away a friendship of many years over this. And when I thought about it, I realized throughout the years of our friendship we'd both done things that hurt the other one and we remained friends. I got over it and I'm so glad I did. Looking back now I'm a little embarrassed by how upset I was over it.

[Anonymous]

I find it outrageous that anyone would feel entitled to have any opinion at all on whether others have money, and what they should spend it on.

[Anonymous]

Nobody has any right to be upset that somebody won't travel to their wedding. Sorry, OP, but it's often a huge financial, time, career, family, or other kind of burden on people. I'm sure she's very happy for you, but it's time to let it go.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I get where you're coming from.

I think how you feel about this will evolve as you see how your friend interacts with you. Even if your wedding is difficult for her for some reason (finances, emotions b/c she is single, whatever), does she remain a good friend? Does she continue to reach out to you over time and emphasize, on her end, that nothing has changed? If so I suspect you will be able to relatively easily move past the hurt you're feeling now. You sound like a good person with a good head on your shoulders.

Now, if you continue to be the friend you've always been to her, and her behavior is not the same, you will know there's more going on than just difficulty affording your wedding (which frankly I suspect there is).

I would try to be gracious right now and see where it takes you.

I had a semi-similar experience--one of my very best friends called a day before my wedding to say she couldn't make it. She told me she was sick. I was super-sympathetic, told her to feel better soon and we'd catch up later. I NEVER heard from her again. I sent emails, called, nothing. My only sibling died a few years later and when I wrote to let her know she never responded. She posts regularly on Facebook so at least is still alive and has a job and friends. Obviously there was more at work but I never found out what. The experience taught me that often you just don't know what's going on with people and all you can do is be the best person you can be to others. Some things are not in your control.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding! Trust me, on the day you will almost certainly focus just on those who are there, not on those who aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what happens when you're single are your friend gets married:

Ninety percent of the time the friend dumps you. You see her maybe once a year. So maybe your friend is tired of oaying hundreds or thousands of dollars for weddings as a good bye gesture for friends who diss her bc they are now married and she is not.

+1

Yes. As a single person (soon to turn 39, still single, have given up at this point), I decided I just wasn't going to waste my money on people who will never talk to me again, and sure as hell aren't going to buy me a birthday present (or even remember my birthday). When you're single, and you have spent tens of thousands of dollars over the last 15+ years on travel/ gifts/ dresses for other people's weddings/ bridal showers/ bachelorette parties/ baby showers, and most of those people don't even talk to you a year later... well, it's just not worth it. OP, your friend probably doesn't care if you're pissed off, because chances are you weren't going to stay friends anyway.

[Anonymous]

Offer to pay. How bout "we really want you to be there. If I pay for your flight can you swing splitting a room with so and so?" That shows your commitment to your friendship. Forget guilt on anyone's part. Just do whatyoucan now to achieve your goal and if it doesn't work out that's ok too but you'll be glad you didn't let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do I say something or not?

Yes. Say something. Say: I'm so sorry you can't come! We will really miss you!

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer to pay. How bout "we really want you to be there. If I pay for your flight can you swing splitting a room with so and so?" That shows your commitment to your friendship. Forget guilt on anyone's part. Just do whatyoucan now to achieve your goal and if it doesn't work out that's ok too but you'll be glad you didn't let it go.

+1.
And also, something else. I had a friend getting married, but she had a guy friend who was harassing me. She did not know this (no one did because I was young and thought I could handle it alone if I just kept my mouth shut. Stupid, but that's another story). He was going to be there and I didn't want to potentially mess up her day if there was any scene (the guy loved to make scenes).

So that sounds like a bizarre and unique situation, but what I'm getting at is there are situations going on in people's lives that you don't know about.

But mostly, I think it may be the time/energy/$/mental energy as a single person that she'd have to spend to go, when she doesn't even get you to herself--no one-on-one time. It's rough. I like this suggestion above because it lessens the $ and some of the mental costs.

[Anonymous]

A very close friend told me that my wedding day was the same day some amazing white rafting happens because flood gates are opened. So she ditched me and had an amazing time. I liked that she told me and was honest. For some people weddings are super boring.

[Anonymous]

i went through a severe bout of depression in my twenties -- and unfortunately, 3 of my best friends from college decided to get married that same year! I didn't go to any of them. I made up lame excuses, but really, mentally, I was in no condition to attend. I'm sorry I caused pain, but I really had no choice. Sometimes you just don't know what you're friend might be going through, especially if she no longer lives near you.