Good friend not attending wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been there OP. And it definitely changed my friendship with that person unfortunatley.

You really have no gracious/mature approach other than to take her at her word, tell her sincerely how much you will miss her being there, and then go have a fabulous wedding.

THere may well be more going on w/ her than you know (I'd bet there is) but there is no way to figure that out, nor does it really matter in the big picture. If she is unable or unwilling to attend your wedding then that's it. Try not to obsess about why, just be as gracious as you can and move on. See what happens over the next year or two with your friendship but prepare yourself for the fact that it already isn't the friendship you thought it was.

Sorry.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

I cannot FATHOM treating a friend differently or changing the nature of our friendship because she could not come to my wedding. It's 4 hours. You meet up with her a few weeks later for dinner and tell her all about it, show her pictures, give her the wedding day gossip and drama and then move on with life.

I'd be more concerned about a friend being there to support me thru my MARRIAGE than thru my wedding. The wedding is a few hours.

Unreal.

I'm the person you're quoting. There is more to my story than is relevant to OP's question. After my friend said she couldn't attend my wedding (by email) I replied immediately, saying how much I would miss her. I tried to call her about a week later to follow up and she never returned the call. I got a card and a $10 gift certificate from her as a wedding gift and I haven't heard from her since (5 years ago). This was someone with whom I'd been friends for more than a decade, but who was pulling away long before I got married. We were single friends, online dating warriors, coworkers, best gal pals, etc... When she had major surgery I drove 6 hours to spend a few days helping her recuperate. I helped her move. Etc... But when my relationship started getting serious she started pulling away. She didn't want to hear about my boyfriend. She definitely didn't want to hear about an engagement and by the time we were planning the wedding I was well aware that the friendship was in serious trouble.

I was deeply hurt, but not entirely shocked. It's one of the only significant friendships I've had end, certainly the one that ended in the most difficult way. BUt it also wasn't about me.

So my real point to the OP is that you don't know what else may be going on in her life. It may also be that the friendship has been in trouble for a while and OP has missed the signals. Or OPs friendship may survive just fine if she can be gracious about the wedding attendance. I didn't really think OP needed to hear that I never heard from my friend again.

But thanks for being so judgmental about a situation and people about whom you know nothing.

And I wrote the 'judgmental' post. Wasn't trying to judge you, perhaps I misquoted.

I am judging the OP or anyone who holds a grudge for simply not attending your wedding.

Take the long view folks. It's about the marriage, not the wedding day. Get over yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Your wedding day is so busy for the bride and groom. Even for small weddings. You won't have time to notice who's not there -- there will be lots of family and friends there who want your time and attention.

[Anonymous]

Be happy she told you. My maid-of-honor just stood me up on the wedding day, although she stopped communicating about a week before so it was expected by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really have no gracious/mature approach other than to take her at her word, tell her sincerely how much you will miss her being there, and then go have a fabulous wedding.

+1

She just spent a lot more money to go to Europe for a wedding. It's not money. There is more going on in this relationship that we don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be hurt that she brought up her europe/wedding trip in the same email letting you know she couldn't make yours for financial reasons. that would be like a slap to the face.

+1. This is the part I can't get over. The rest of it, yeah, her money, her decisions. But holy hell, the friend should have some frickin manners and not throw it in her face for crying out loud. I'd have a hard time not pointing that out (and I eloped, so I don't give a crap about weddings, but I do give a crap about someone flinging rejection in my face.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP is not a bitch or a bridezilla. She is a normal woman who really wanted her friend to attend her wedding. OP said she was having a small wedding which means she prioritized this friend over others and she is sad to learn her friend doesn't feel the same need to prioritize her.

If she had said that her friend cannot make it to her wedding and she was sad, I would have sympathy. It was the bit about judging what her friend did with her money, intimating that the friend cannot be telling the truth about not being able to afford it, and saying that she would change her friendship over this and questioning whether to say something to her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has been to a few weddings...may she is depress and tired of attending other peoples' weddings. Especially if it is out of state. She is at a stage in her life where she might be wondering when her turn going to come, and all that may have led her to feel out of sort. Be glad you have a good friend. As the years creep up on you, they become more and more priceless.

As a single woman in my late 30s, this was my first thought. It can be very difficult for some people to attend weddings, just
Ike it can be difficult for some people who are struggling with infertility to attend another baby shower.

Be gracious. You have no idea what it us like to walk in her shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why everyone is giving OP a hard time. If a really good friend told me she could not attend my wedding I would be sad. I would probably offer to fly her out with FF miles (so she didn't feel guilty about me spending money) and maybe even pay for the room if I could afford it.

That said, if she told me she could not come for financial reasons and then proceeded to tell me about a wedding she went to in Europe and her next vacation I would be a bit insulted. It is just a fact. I wouldn't call her out on it but I would definitely take it as a signal that she does not see our friendship as a priority.

OP is not a bitch or a bridezilla. She is a normal woman who really wanted her friend to attend her wedding. OP said she was having a small wedding which means she prioritized this friend over others and she is sad to learn her friend doesn't feel the same need to prioritize her.

15 years ago my best friend got married the day after our other best friend's sister got married, on the other side of the country. Our friend went to her sister's wedding and jumped on an early am flight to be at the other wedding. She came straight from the airport and put on her bridesmaids dress in the basement of the church. When your friendship is a priority you figure something out. When it is not a priority you don't.

So again OP is not a bitch. A bitch would say something catty to the friend but a normal person would vent a bit in a way she knows won't get back to the friend.

Congrats and best of luck with your wedding OP.

You AND the OP need to grow up. Making someone's wedding a priority IN YOUR LIFE is not indicative of a the depth and breadth of a friendship(unless of course you are an adolescent girl). One of my best friends had already planned an island vacation when I got engaged and planned my destination wedding. SHE HAD PLANS and could not come to my wedding without going into debt. This is a woman who had been there when I was happy, sick, sad, found my fiance, lost my job, lost her job, I babysat her kid, sat with her crying over her ex. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF SHE COULD NOT TURN HER LIFE UPSIDE DOWN FOR THE ONE DAY OF MY WEDDING.
You Heffas are past ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wedding day is so busy for the bride and groom. Even for small weddings. You won't have time to notice who's not there -- there will be lots of family and friends there who want your time and attention.

There are some really mean and bitter people so hopefully you have stopped reading OP. But if not this PP makes a very good point.
You are going to have a great time with the invited guests who are able to make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why everyone is giving OP a hard time. If a really good friend told me she could not attend my wedding I would be sad. I would probably offer to fly her out with FF miles (so she didn't feel guilty about me spending money) and maybe even pay for the room if I could afford it.

That said, if she told me she could not come for financial reasons and then proceeded to tell me about a wedding she went to in Europe and her next vacation I would be a bit insulted. It is just a fact. I wouldn't call her out on it but I would definitely take it as a signal that she does not see our friendship as a priority.

OP is not a bitch or a bridezilla. She is a normal woman who really wanted her friend to attend her wedding. OP said she was having a small wedding which means she prioritized this friend over others and she is sad to learn her friend doesn't feel the same need to prioritize her.

15 years ago my best friend got married the day after our other best friend's sister got married, on the other side of the country. Our friend went to her sister's wedding and jumped on an early am flight to be at the other wedding. She came straight from the airport and put on her bridesmaids dress in the basement of the church. When your friendship is a priority you figure something out. When it is not a priority you don't.

So again OP is not a bitch. A bitch would say something catty to the friend but a normal person would vent a bit in a way she knows won't get back to the friend.

Congrats and best of luck with your wedding OP.

You AND the OP need to grow up. Making someone's wedding a priority IN YOUR LIFE is not indicative of a the depth and breadth of a friendship(unless of course you are an adolescent girl). One of my best friends had already planned an island vacation when I got engaged and planned my destination wedding. SHE HAD PLANS and could not come to my wedding without going into debt. This is a woman who had been there when I was happy, sick, sad, found my fiance, lost my job, lost her job, I babysat her kid, sat with her crying over her ex. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF SHE COULD NOT TURN HER LIFE UPSIDE DOWN FOR THE ONE DAY OF MY WEDDING.
You Heffas are past ridiculous!

It is not about the wedding so much as it is about making important people priorities in your life. As I mentioned if my friend couldn't make it I would be sad but you are naive if you think the reason for missing the wedding is not important to the bride.
As you mentioned your friend had a prior commitment. She planned her wedding and THEN you planned your wedding. Life happens. We all get that.

Now I do realize we are only hearing OPs side but as she tells it friend has known about the wedding for 1.5 years. So it is unlikely this next vacation was planned that long ago.
Further the issue is that in one breath the friend is saying she cannot afford the wedding and in the next she is talking about a different trip.
The fact that she would be so blatant about not making OPs wedding a priority is what could impact the friendship. As all of us who have supported OP have pointed out it is not missing the wedding that is the issue, it is the fact that the friends is being CLEAR. OP's wedding is not a priority over her next vacation.

The friend has every right to skip the wedding FOR WHATEVER reason she chooses. That said OP has every right to feel sad and a bit offended that the friend is opting to be do something else. No one is telling her to cut the friend out of her life. No one is telling her to make her friend feel guilty. We are acknowledging her right to feel sad and slighted.

Lastly I think the friend should have delivered the news not attending the wedding in one call and saved her good news for another phone call. It was already a tough pill to swallow, why make it harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure why everyone is giving OP a hard time. If a really good friend told me she could not attend my wedding I would be sad. I would probably offer to fly her out with FF miles (so she didn't feel guilty about me spending money) and maybe even pay for the room if I could afford it.

That said, if she told me she could not come for financial reasons and then proceeded to tell me about a wedding she went to in Europe and her next vacation I would be a bit insulted. It is just a fact. I wouldn't call her out on it but I would definitely take it as a signal that she does not see our friendship as a priority.

OP is not a bitch or a bridezilla. She is a normal woman who really wanted her friend to attend her wedding. OP said she was having a small wedding which means she prioritized this friend over others and she is sad to learn her friend doesn't feel the same need to prioritize her.

15 years ago my best friend got married the day after our other best friend's sister got married, on the other side of the country. Our friend went to her sister's wedding and jumped on an early am flight to be at the other wedding. She came straight from the airport and put on her bridesmaids dress in the basement of the church. When your friendship is a priority you figure something out. When it is not a priority you don't.

So again OP is not a bitch. A bitch would say something catty to the friend but a normal person would vent a bit in a way she knows won't get back to the friend.

Congrats and best of luck with your wedding OP.

You AND the OP need to grow up. Making someone's wedding a priority IN YOUR LIFE is not indicative of a the depth and breadth of a friendship(unless of course you are an adolescent girl). One of my best friends had already planned an island vacation when I got engaged and planned my destination wedding. SHE HAD PLANS and could not come to my wedding without going into debt. This is a woman who had been there when I was happy, sick, sad, found my fiance, lost my job, lost her job, I babysat her kid, sat with her crying over her ex. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF SHE COULD NOT TURN HER LIFE UPSIDE DOWN FOR THE ONE DAY OF MY WEDDING.
You Heffas are past ridiculous!

It is not about the wedding so much as it is about making important people priorities in your life. As I mentioned if my friend couldn't make it I would be sad but you are naive if you think the reason for missing the wedding is not important to the bride.
As you mentioned your friend had a prior commitment. She planned her wedding and THEN you planned your wedding. Life happens. We all get that.

Now I do realize we are only hearing OPs side but as she tells it friend has known about the wedding for 1.5 years. So it is unlikely this next vacation was planned that long ago.
Further the issue is that in one breath the friend is saying she cannot afford the wedding and in the next she is talking about a different trip.
The fact that she would be so blatant about not making OPs wedding a priority is what could impact the friendship. As all of us who have supported OP have pointed out it is not missing the wedding that is the issue, it is the fact that the friends is being CLEAR. OP's wedding is not a priority over her next vacation.

The friend has every right to skip the wedding FOR WHATEVER reason she chooses. That said OP has every right to feel sad and a bit offended that the friend is opting to be do something else. No one is telling her to cut the friend out of her life. No one is telling her to make her friend feel guilty. We are acknowledging her right to feel sad and slighted.

Lastly I think the friend should have delivered the news not attending the wedding in one call and saved her good news for another phone call. It was already a tough pill to swallow, why make it harder.

1) The European vacation already happened

2) Even if I planned my wedding 3 yrs ago, I would not begrudge my friend a trip to Europe over my wedding(unless she was in the wedding party)

3) My wedding/your wedding is only a priority to YOU AND THE GROOM

4) Friends love and celebrate you, but do not have to make that occassion a priority in their life

[Anonymous]

I flew to California at my own expense when I was a penniless grad student to be a bridesmaid. When I got married, that same CA friend wouldn't leave her baby (her second, not her first) for 20 minutes with her husband to travel 5 miles to attend my church ceremony. I didn't expect her to come to the reception. Yes, we are no longer friends. The unevenness of the relationship doomed it.

[Anonymous]

What is a heffa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I flew to California at my own expense when I was a penniless grad student to be a bridesmaid. When I got married, that same CA friend wouldn't leave her baby (her second, not her first) for 20 minutes with her husband to travel 5 miles to attend my church ceremony. I didn't expect her to come to the reception. Yes, we are no longer friends. The unevenness of the relationship doomed it.

Lucky Her

[Anonymous]

Damn. I had to lol at the comments about OP being a bridezilla. You twits probably haven't meet any actual bridezillas if you think OP is one. She is upset her very good friend can't come to her wedding and she has a right to be. If I had a friend who said she couldn't go to an important event of mine because of finances when she went to other recent events, I'd feel stung as well.