Good friend not attending wedding

[Anonymous]

I had to skip a good friend's wedding in another state when it fell around the time I was purchasing my first (and still only!) home. They have family support, and I don't think they understood that I really, really couldn't afford it, but they were gracious about it. I had a good job, but the home purchase was wiping everything out. Everything. As someone else said, it's not just the hotel and airfare, it's the other transportation, the dress/shoes/pantyhose, the other meals during the travel, etc. You really don't know someone else's financial situation. Our friendship survived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be hurt that she brought up her europe/wedding trip in the same email letting you know she couldn't make yours for financial reasons. that would be like a slap to the face.

My friend couldn't come to my wedding - every time she lit up on the phone should I have let her know that all of the money she wastes on cigarettes could have been spent on my wedding? No. Everyone has vices, even the poorest among us, and if OP's friend spends what little extra money she has on vacation who cares! It would be quite depressing to use up vacation money and vacation days to feel like a depressed loser at someone else's getaway vacation, especially if you're already in financial hardship and feeling down about life.

[Anonymous]

Seriously OP, it's a freaking wedding!!!, one day, couple of hours of partying. Eat drink, go home and life moves on.. I agree with others, get over yourself. Nobody cares but you, contrary to what you may think. The world doesn't stop just because you are getting married, it's just another wedding, another event blah.

If she can't make it, she can't make it. For the life of me, I can't fathom why people get all bent out of shape about who attends their wedding. sheesh, these are the same people who announce their divorce 5 years after the fact.

Focus on what's important, and that's your impending marriage. A wedding is just a party and you already have attendees.

[Anonymous]

Given how hard you are working to justify your upset with her, I question whether you actually like her or value this friendship all that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been there OP. And it definitely changed my friendship with that person unfortunatley.

You really have no gracious/mature approach other than to take her at her word, tell her sincerely how much you will miss her being there, and then go have a fabulous wedding.

THere may well be more going on w/ her than you know (I'd bet there is) but there is no way to figure that out, nor does it really matter in the big picture. If she is unable or unwilling to attend your wedding then that's it. Try not to obsess about why, just be as gracious as you can and move on. See what happens over the next year or two with your friendship but prepare yourself for the fact that it already isn't the friendship you thought it was.

Sorry.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

I cannot FATHOM treating a friend differently or changing the nature of our friendship because she could not come to my wedding. It's 4 hours. You meet up with her a few weeks later for dinner and tell her all about it, show her pictures, give her the wedding day gossip and drama and then move on with life.

I'd be more concerned about a friend being there to support me thru my MARRIAGE than thru my wedding. The wedding is a few hours.

Unreal.

[Anonymous]

One idea no one has raised -

Is it possible she's upset that she's still single and you're getting married? I had a very close friend who did not react well when I met my now-husband. We had been the two single girls forever and then I wasn't.

Also, I think these responses are pretty harsh. I understand why your feelings are hurt. Mine would be too. She is sending you the message loud and clear that you are not a priority for her. All you can do is take in that information and then act accordingly in the future. In other words, are you prioritizing her too high when she is not doing the same for you. It probably will change the nature of your friendship and I think that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One idea no one has raised -

Is it possible she's upset that she's still single and you're getting married? I had a very close friend who did not react well when I met my now-husband. We had been the two single girls forever and then I wasn't.

Also, I think these responses are pretty harsh. I understand why your feelings are hurt. Mine would be too. She is sending you the message loud and clear that you are not a priority for her. All you can do is take in that information and then act accordingly in the future. In other words, are you prioritizing her too high when she is not doing the same for you. It probably will change the nature of your friendship and I think that's ok.

Have a very good group of gfs from grad school. All of us got married over a 2 yr span except for 2. When one got engaged, the last single gf told me she wasn't that interested in going to the wedding b/c she was tired of going to all these weddings without a date or bf.

I kind of got what she meant, but I have to admit: I judged her a bit for being selfish...be happy for your friend for finding love and happiness. I believe in karma...maybe that will come around to you one day.

[Anonymous]

Wow, some of you guys seem REALLY angry.

I don't often post, but this thread and the replies are kind of out of control. Wanting a friend to come to your wedding does not make someone a bridezilla. She is not saying she will stop being friends with this girl who said she cannot afford to come. She is saying she is hurt, which seems pretty valid. Sure, a wedding is just a few hours of a day, but it is an important event in life.

Also ... whoever said that people who make a big deal about weddings are people who get divorces is a real dick. I don't think OP is being dramatic and I also don't think caring about having a friend go to her wedding makes her more likely to get divorced. I mean seriously?

OP. You have some good advice (and a lot of unhelpful comments too) here. Let her know you are sorry she can't make it and that you will miss her. I'm sorry this happened, but it sounds like from others here, it's not uncommon either. FWIW.

[Anonymous]

I get why you would be upset, but there's really nothing you can say except, "I'm sorry you can't make it." No good will come in confronting her about it. If you think that her justification for being unable to come is not genuine, you can reevaluate your investment in the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, some of you guys seem REALLY angry.

I don't often post, but this thread and the replies are kind of out of control. Wanting a friend to come to your wedding does not make someone a bridezilla. She is not saying she will stop being friends with this girl who said she cannot afford to come. She is saying she is hurt, which seems pretty valid. Sure, a wedding is just a few hours of a day, but it is an important event in life.

Also ... whoever said that people who make a big deal about weddings are people who get divorces is a real dick. I don't think OP is being dramatic and I also don't think caring about having a friend go to her wedding makes her more likely to get divorced. I mean seriously?

OP. You have some good advice (and a lot of unhelpful comments too) here. Let her know you are sorry she can't make it and that you will miss her. I'm sorry this happened, but it sounds like from others here, it's not uncommon either. FWIW.

From the original post: I do think that her skipping my wedding may change our friendship a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, some of you guys seem REALLY angry.

I don't often post, but this thread and the replies are kind of out of control. Wanting a friend to come to your wedding does not make someone a bridezilla. She is not saying she will stop being friends with this girl who said she cannot afford to come. She is saying she is hurt, which seems pretty valid. Sure, a wedding is just a few hours of a day, but it is an important event in life.

Also ... whoever said that people who make a big deal about weddings are people who get divorces is a real dick. I don't think OP is being dramatic and I also don't think caring about having a friend go to her wedding makes her more likely to get divorced. I mean seriously?

OP. You have some good advice (and a lot of unhelpful comments too) here. Let her know you are sorry she can't make it and that you will miss her. I'm sorry this happened, but it sounds like from others here, it's not uncommon either. FWIW.

From the original post: I do think that her skipping my wedding may change our friendship a bit.

Mm, not exactly saying the same thing, but thx for playing!

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why everyone is giving OP a hard time. If a really good friend told me she could not attend my wedding I would be sad. I would probably offer to fly her out with FF miles (so she didn't feel guilty about me spending money) and maybe even pay for the room if I could afford it.

That said, if she told me she could not come for financial reasons and then proceeded to tell me about a wedding she went to in Europe and her next vacation I would be a bit insulted. It is just a fact. I wouldn't call her out on it but I would definitely take it as a signal that she does not see our friendship as a priority.

OP is not a bitch or a bridezilla. She is a normal woman who really wanted her friend to attend her wedding. OP said she was having a small wedding which means she prioritized this friend over others and she is sad to learn her friend doesn't feel the same need to prioritize her.

15 years ago my best friend got married the day after our other best friend's sister got married, on the other side of the country. Our friend went to her sister's wedding and jumped on an early am flight to be at the other wedding. She came straight from the airport and put on her bridesmaids dress in the basement of the church. When your friendship is a priority you figure something out. When it is not a priority you don't.

So again OP is not a bitch. A bitch would say something catty to the friend but a normal person would vent a bit in a way she knows won't get back to the friend.

Congrats and best of luck with your wedding OP.

[Anonymous]

Americans are so weird about weddings. It's all about the day. You aren't the centre of the universe, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been there OP. And it definitely changed my friendship with that person unfortunatley.

You really have no gracious/mature approach other than to take her at her word, tell her sincerely how much you will miss her being there, and then go have a fabulous wedding.

THere may well be more going on w/ her than you know (I'd bet there is) but there is no way to figure that out, nor does it really matter in the big picture. If she is unable or unwilling to attend your wedding then that's it. Try not to obsess about why, just be as gracious as you can and move on. See what happens over the next year or two with your friendship but prepare yourself for the fact that it already isn't the friendship you thought it was.

Sorry.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

I cannot FATHOM treating a friend differently or changing the nature of our friendship because she could not come to my wedding. It's 4 hours. You meet up with her a few weeks later for dinner and tell her all about it, show her pictures, give her the wedding day gossip and drama and then move on with life.

I'd be more concerned about a friend being there to support me thru my MARRIAGE than thru my wedding. The wedding is a few hours.

Unreal.

I'm the person you're quoting. There is more to my story than is relevant to OP's question. After my friend said she couldn't attend my wedding (by email) I replied immediately, saying how much I would miss her. I tried to call her about a week later to follow up and she never returned the call. I got a card and a $10 gift certificate from her as a wedding gift and I haven't heard from her since (5 years ago). This was someone with whom I'd been friends for more than a decade, but who was pulling away long before I got married. We were single friends, online dating warriors, coworkers, best gal pals, etc... When she had major surgery I drove 6 hours to spend a few days helping her recuperate. I helped her move. Etc... But when my relationship started getting serious she started pulling away. She didn't want to hear about my boyfriend. She definitely didn't want to hear about an engagement and by the time we were planning the wedding I was well aware that the friendship was in serious trouble.

I was deeply hurt, but not entirely shocked. It's one of the only significant friendships I've had end, certainly the one that ended in the most difficult way. BUt it also wasn't about me.

So my real point to the OP is that you don't know what else may be going on in her life. It may also be that the friendship has been in trouble for a while and OP has missed the signals. Or OPs friendship may survive just fine if she can be gracious about the wedding attendance. I didn't really think OP needed to hear that I never heard from my friend again.

But thanks for being so judgmental about a situation and people about whom you know nothing.

[Anonymous]

Pp again, Personally I would rather spend $1000 to go to Europe than some wedding in Maryland or wherever you are. Get over it!