Unmarried men, at what age is something seriously amiss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your opinion, if a man is I married, but typical background (college, maybe masters or grad school, healthy dating background) no long trips or absences. At what point do you begin to thing it's that either he doesn't want to be married or is not marriage material?

If a man is married I'd say he is married and is marriage material.

Ha! I think a lot of married men are not actually good "marriage material."

[Anonymous]

14

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different men decide to marry at different ages. I wouldn't judge based on age alone.

+1 My best friend married a man last year who just turned 40. She is in her mid-30's. In the past, he decidedly was NOT marriage material. But he grew up a bit and changed. He is responsible, employed, and over the moon about her. Some men, just like some women, take longer to get there. It's not a race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A totally cute, smart, athletic, tall and socially astute single man who is 35 would set off alarm bells, unless he tells me he just got out of 5 year relationship, he was once engaged, etc.

I am more forgiving of:

A man under 5'6"
A total nerd
Someone who immigrated here at an odd developmental stage and they can't quite find a good cultural match

Do you standards hold for women? Or are they just "liberated?"

I know a man who fits your first set of criteria and he is a catch. He just doesn't know it yet. He can't quite figure out what he wants, just like many women. But I am confident that when the right woman comes along, he'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any age - just like women, sometimes relationships don't work out, you just don't meet someone you can see yourself with for the rest of your life, or you think you have found that person but they don't feel that way about you. I would rather a guy be unmarried at any age then find out he married someone just for the sake of getting married.

X10000

x10000+1 to the power of infinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^No particular age.

It isn't the age. It's the personality and character of the guy. I was 37 when I got married in large part because I didn't meet the right person until I was 34. We have been happily married for 11.5. My best friend was 39 when he finally found the right person. He was looking for a long time and found the wrong match a few times, but finally eharmony matched him with the right life partner. Happily going on 7+ years. I have another friend who just got married at 41 because he finally found the right person. Again, a good match.

The high rate of divorce is largely due to some people who have some soft of artificial standard for when they have to be married by and then end up married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Some of us waited for the right person and have not yet become another statistic.

Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Any guy I know who is 40+, straight, and never married-has ISSUES.

We all have issues. Don't kid yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any age - just like women, sometimes relationships don't work out, you just don't meet someone you can see yourself with for the rest of your life, or you think you have found that person but they don't feel that way about you. I would rather a guy be unmarried at any age then find out he married someone just for the sake of getting married.

a mature response....more women should be like you.

[Anonymous]

pp here...29 year old male...I do look for dates these days that have a potential for something to grow into (so no flings), but it is a bit worrying to read this thread because if anything I should be the one not giving the 30+ women crowd a chance and I don't do that.

Hell, I was going out with a woman who was engaged 4 times but not married (in her early 30's)...I didn't hold it against her...so it's sad to hear i'm being judged for not having settled down.

People need to judge others on a case by case basis, and not just write people off en masse before hand. try to understand the past before making a bold judgement against it.

Personally, I think a lot of it has to do with finances.

I'm probably still single because a large part of my twenties were terrible in terms of joblessness/financial stress, that lead to some depression, even though I'm a cultured an educated person.

Simply put, in my social circle of men 25-34, those making over 100k (or medical residents) got married before 31, with most in their mid-late 20's....those making under 100k haven't. The only one that ended up getting married who isn't making six figures married his high school sweetheart.

My anecdotal evidence suggests finances are probably the biggest road block for a decent guy who is willing to get married.

Would like to hear what opinions you ladies have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp here...29 year old male...I do look for dates these days that have a potential for something to grow into (so no flings), but it is a bit worrying to read this thread because if anything I should be the one not giving the 30+ women crowd a chance and I don't do that.

Hell, I was going out with a woman who was engaged 4 times but not married (in her early 30's)...I didn't hold it against her...so it's sad to hear i'm being judged for not having settled down.

People need to judge others on a case by case basis, and not just write people off en masse before hand. try to understand the past before making a bold judgement against it.

Personally, I think a lot of it has to do with finances.

I'm probably still single because a large part of my twenties were terrible in terms of joblessness/financial stress, that lead to some depression, even though I'm a cultured an educated person.

Simply put, in my social circle of men 25-34, those making over 100k (or medical residents) got married before 31, with most in their mid-late 20's....those making under 100k haven't. The only one that ended up getting married who isn't making six figures married his high school sweetheart.

My anecdotal evidence suggests finances are probably the biggest road block for a decent guy who is willing to get married.

Would like to hear what opinions you ladies have.

I think that most guys feel that finances are a roadblock, but that if you wait until you are "rich enough" that figure will keep going up as you get older and your peers make more money, and you will keep waiting. The bottom line is that, in general, when you meet the right person you know it. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a guy but I do not think the answer to this question is gender-specific. Anyone who makes it past 35, IMHO, without any successful, stable, long-term relationships, it's not just dumb luck. In other words, there is a reason, whether deliberate or not on their part.

That's re-stating this as a negative, but what it amounts so is: either they really just don't want to be paired off or they have issues; the majority are sad cases who do think they want to be paired off but have issues which lead them to behave as if they don't really want a relationship and they sabotage themselves.

This is equally true for men and women and is mostly because they have big trust issues, generally due to coming from dysfunctional families of origin, though not always.

I think this pattern is revealed in people who tend to chase unavailable people, and who have a string of <24 month relationships ('cause that's generally fish-or-cut-bait time). If someone makes it past 35 and they're still having a series of dating relationships more appropriate for 17-25 year olds, then they're stuck.

And before the "single and happy by choiice" crowds shows up pitchforks, I never said you couldn't be that way, but you also aren't really out seeking dates and relationships with people, are you? This question really revolves around people who say they want to be in an LTR (of which marriage is one form), but never have been past age 35.

I was married pretty young and stayed married for 16 years; I found myself dating again in my late 30s, and because I'd had the joyous (sarcasm) experience of being stepfather to a kid who wasn't mine (see poster above, who is exactly right about all the downside, none of the upside), I wound up dating a lot of never-marrieds (kid-free), in this target age range. There was a reason, every time. Very "picky" and not wanting to "settle" was the general excuse, but what that really is, is looking for a reason to reject someone so you don't have to face up to a fear of committing. Men and women do this.

The best, who are in short supply, were other 30-somethings, divorced (yay! You actually have a clue about what it means to be married!) and childless (no, I will not be raising someone else's kid again).

You know, for some of us who married later than these arbitrary numbers you guys are picking, it wasn't dumb luck. It was the smarts to hold out for someone we actually wanted to be with.

I did have long term relationships before I got married (at 37; hardly ancient - and we didn't want kids, so there was no ticking clock). So did my now-husband. But we were both smart enough not to settle down with the person we happened to be with at the age that folks are suggesting is a kind of drop dead date. I think we weren't either lucky enough to find the person we'd live happily with very young, or stupid enough to marry the person we wouldn't be happy with very young.

[Anonymous]

29yo male, nobody is judging you. You're completely normal. Years from now, we will.

[Anonymous]

My husband was 40 when we married and he's pretty amazing in my opinion. He started his own business in his 30's and had one serious relationship but not a lot of time. It's not always due to "issues".

[Anonymous]

40

[Anonymous]

No age. Perhaps he hasn't found the "one" yet or maybe he is not interested in settling down. I know after going through a bad marriage I am more reluctant to engage - no pun intended - with someone as a long-term partner. I am 47 now. My current girlfriend is 44. We have both raised our kids - they are in or either graduated from college so we don't have one or the other of us really wanting to do that again. We are just happy in each other's company. Maybe we will tie the knot, maybe we won't. Sorry ladies, but there is something wrong with you if you think there is a certain age by which a man should be looking at you as marriage material.