Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

I realize this is not helpful, but I am so jealous. DH has been looking for a position in San Diego for a long time, and it just hasn't happened. I'd move there in a heart beat. My happiness levels are directly correlated to sunshine, and the fact that it's 80* in so cal this week has my heart missing the west coast!

Your kids are young, they won't be flustered by the move if you shape them properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised to hear so many people think a 10% raise is enough to uproot a family and move across the country away from close family.

YOUR family, OP. What about your DH's? Hey, you married a man from across the country. You had to have known this would come up eventually.

Here's what I don't get.....it shouldn't be HIS family and YOUR family. They are all your family. That's how marriage works. DH's parents are your vhildren's family, and you need to accept that too. Unless you all live in the same area, there's always going to have to be some effort put in to see parts of your family. I get your feelings, OP. but the fact that you keep stressing YOUR family tells me you haven't matured into the idea of what marriage and family are about long term. Maybe you two need to find a city in flyover country where you are halfway between the two families so you can stop arguing over who's family is more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to everyone who has responded. I've read them all and you've given me more to think about. This is a huge decision. I worry if we decide not to go (be use I don't want to) he will resent me, and if we do go, I could resent him. I wish there was an easy clear decision but there just isn't. San Diego is very expensive. We go out there every year so I've seen out of living is higher than here.

Sometimes you have to live life a little and be open to new adventures.San Diego is a much better place to live than DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is not totally out of the blue. We've been here for 9 years and he has always said he'd love to move back to San Diego but I always kind if ignored it thinking he's a govt contractor and the work is generally here. I know I was wrong to ignore it but I have worked hard to build us a life here and I think it's a great life.

But it is not just about you, he has a family and dreams as well.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I'd move to CA. I am a SAHM, DH would be off at work all day every day and I wouldn't know anyone. It has taken me a long time to build up a group of friends here in DC, and I want to be closer to my family. I don't get along as well with my in laws, and they're not very good with the kids. Not interested in being involved grandparents. If your DH has been laid off, or was miserable at his job and couldn't find another one, then you'd have to think harder about it. Uprooting away from your family and friends just for a litt more money is not at all worth it. His parents can come visit you.

I think Hax or Dear Prudence took a question about this and the answer was the SAH parent gets veto power because it would be horribly isolating to be home without the support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is not totally out of the blue. We've been here for 9 years and he has always said he'd love to move back to San Diego but I always kind if ignored it thinking he's a govt contractor and the work is generally here. I know I was wrong to ignore it but I have worked hard to build us a life here and I think it's a great life.

Herein lies the problem. For your entire marriage he has mentioned moving to CA. Instead of you discussing it the first few times he mentioned it, you ignored it, wow that was real mature. I would've taken your silence as agreement! Now that its doable you are acting like a child.

I get not wanting to move, my husband wants to move too. But as soon as he brings up a place that doesn't work for me, I let him know. However, you can't relegate him to an entire career in one city because ALL of your family is there, how selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just her parents. It's her children aunts and uncles and cousins (it sounds like.) That's worth a lot.

+1

And being a SAHM mom, that is her support network. ILs don't weigh the same in that calculus.

Support network for SAHM? Seriously, you don't think families with both parents working wouldn't need more family support?

She gets to spend her whole day with her kids wherever they live, no morning rush or career family juggle or guilt, and they can use the 10% raise to hire a weekly babysitter which would probably give her a lot more support than a busy uncle or aunt.

Her DH is taking on the responsibility and stress to be the breadwinner, and she should support him 100%!

Instead she is hanging in to apron strings and clearly has hang ups with her MIL.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP. I would not leave family just for 10%. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP. I would not leave family just for 10%. No way.

It's not just the 10%. I'm sure the DH is interested in returning to the more low-key SoCal lifestyle and being near his family.

OP just seems intent on staying where she is comfortable, and any other perspective or concern for DH career is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is not totally out of the blue. We've been here for 9 years and he has always said he'd love to move back to San Diego but I always kind if ignored it thinking he's a govt contractor and the work is generally here. I know I was wrong to ignore it but I have worked hard to build us a life here and I think it's a great life.

Herein lies the problem. For your entire marriage he has mentioned moving to CA. Instead of you discussing it the first few times he mentioned it, you ignored it, wow that was real mature. I would've taken your silence as agreement! Now that its doable you are acting like a child.

I get not wanting to move, my husband wants to move too. But as soon as he brings up a place that doesn't work for me, I let him know. However, you can't relegate him to an entire career in one city because ALL of your family is there, how selfish.

I thought about this and just as OP knew DH was a southern Cal person, he knew that OP is close to her family. I think you can be close to your family and want to be able to see your family easily and still maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse. I see so many people in MoCo with parents and siblings nearby.

Does DH have siblings or lots of friends in Southern Cal?

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM and my support networks are shifting all of the time. They changed when my kids entered school and again when we moved to another city. Now they are shifting again as my kids enter high school and I'm not as involved in their schools.

Also, by definition MIL are annoying but they are family.

I'd carefully consider moving -- but then again we move with the job. DH moved with me to Washington and I moved with him to another city after I became a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised to hear so many people think a 10% raise is enough to uproot a family and move across the country away from close family.

YOUR family, OP. What about your DH's? Hey, you married a man from across the country. You had to have known this would come up eventually.

Here's what I don't get.....it shouldn't be HIS family and YOUR family. They are all your family. That's how marriage works. DH's parents are your vhildren's family, and you need to accept that too. Unless you all live in the same area, there's always going to have to be some effort put in to see parts of your family. I get your feelings, OP. but the fact that you keep stressing YOUR family tells me you haven't matured into the idea of what marriage and family are about long term. Maybe you two need to find a city in flyover country where you are halfway between the two families so you can stop arguing over who's family is more important.

Oh, please. My ILs are family, sure, but I would never, ever, be as happy to live near them as I would be to live near my parents.

A 10% raise to move to a high cost of living area and leave being aunt, uncle, cousin and grandparents and established social network for cold ILs who can afford to travel? No. I would oppose such a move.

The only thing that matters is how much DH and DW want it or how much it would make them miserable. I think either spouse has veto power for this kind of move.

[Anonymous]

If she is a SAHM, she needs to STFU and follow her husband/follow the money.

This OP really boils down being change-averse and not wanting to leave her mommy. But she's not married to her mommy, she's married to her husband.

She's just a SAHM. She can literally do that anywhere. He's the one earning, and his career/job satisfaction matter more to the family fisc.

[Anonymous]

OP, if he's been talking about wanting to move to CA for years, you have to sit down and really discuss it. I'm a SAHM and while

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if he's been talking about wanting to move to CA for years, you have to sit down and really discuss it. I'm a SAHM and while

Hit submit too soon! And while I wouldn't love to move cross country with two kids, I'd have a really hard time saying no to a great job offer for my husband. What happens if he turns this down? In some companies, that can set a person on a track with less chance for advancement.

For what it's worth, I live across the country/in a different country than my side of the family. Would I like to see my side more? Sure, but my inlaws love our kids and our kids love them too. There are also plenty of kids grow up without any family nearby.